L12: THE FINALE ... of Cube2Cube [LIVE ft. Special Guests!]

As the crew zooms through hyperspace toward their final showdown on Mufalata Secundus, Bargie and C-53 realize they’ve left something unfinished. Nermut calls the shots. Pleck breaks down. AJ sells sacs and milk. (Stay tuned for the OTHER finale, hitting this feed sometime soon.)

• Recorded

  Recorded live at the Bell House in Brooklyn, NY on April 10, 2022.

• TIMELINE

  Set between Zyxx episodes 517 & 518

• Episode Transcript

  [audience cheering] 

  ALDEN: Hi everybody, welcome, thanks so much for coming to the show! 

  [audience cheering] 

  ALDEN: It's so great to see everybody here, what a great crowd. This is it! Yeah! Sort of, I mean, you know, it's not it, it, but it's it for now, for live shows for now. We have a lot of fun surprises in store for you. Thanks for making it out. We are in our fifth and final season. The finale is in process. It's very good and very poignant. 

  [audience awwing]

  ALDEN: Both from the characters' perspectives and our own, and we are so glad we got to do another show here at the Bell House. Now, because in the show, we are nearing our last episode and it sort of wouldn't fit for us to put an episode in, in this timeline, so we're gonna set this between episodes 517 and 518. So what we normally would do would be to ask someone who has a particularly good Jeremy Crutchley impression to read our new crawl for us, but somebody actually already volunteered to do that, so we're gonna bring them out now. Come on out. It's Jeremy Crutchley, ladies and-!

  [audience cheers for a while] 

  ALDEN: Yeah, you gotta get the real thing. Fun fact, this is the first time we've ever met him in person, so this is just as exciting for us! All right, so Jeremy, whenever you're ready, you and Shane can take it away. 

  JEREMY: Thank you. [music] The end of the space road is on the horizon. The ass end. Ah, the intrepid crew of the Bargerean Jade, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter! [audience cheering] C-53! [audience cheering] Dar! [audience cheering] AJ-2884! [audience cheering] Nermut Bundaloy! [audience cheering] And Justin Ballwheat. [audience cheering] They blast towards their destinies, full of hope, fear, and the nagging suspicion that they've sort of left a lot of loose ends dangling about. As their inevitable confrontation with their wack arch enemy, Kor Balevore! [audience boos] Draws closer and closer….. [leans into mic] and closer. [audience laughing] The crew has brief respite in hyperspace as they confront the reality that their stories and perhaps… their lives are finally drawing to a close. [tearing up] Really, I think they should be phoning their mums. [audience laughing] Or something, something, whatever. It's not up to me! [audience laughing] I'll be okay, I'll be okay. Now with mere hours left before it all comes to an end, our heroes! [audience cheering] Must take stock of their lives, their friendships, their to-do lists, before it is all too late on their nearly finished… MMMMMMMMMMM-MMMM-MISSION! TOOOO! ZYYYYYYYYXX! 

  [audience cheers, intro music plays]

  PLECK: Wow. 

  AJ: Wow what? 

  PLECK: I was just thinking, you know, it's sort of the end, you know, as I'm looking out the window and seeing all the-- 

  AJ: End of what? 

  PLECK: The what? 

  AJ: What's the end of? 

  PLECK: The end of our journey. We're almost to Mufalata Secundus. We're about to confront Kor Balevore. 

  AJ: Yeah, but we're gonna do something after that, right? 

  [audience laughing] 

  PLECK: Not for a while, probably. 

  AJ: Really, we're just gonna like stop doing-- 

  PLECK: Well, I mean, chances are good we're gonna die, AJ, but even if we don't, I think we deserve a break, right? 

  BARGIE: Wait, what? 

  PLECK: What, what, Bargie, what is it? 

  BARGIE: Pleck, did you say… die? 

  PLECK: Yeah, I mean, I don't wanna scare you guys, but like this is a big deal. We're about to confront somebody who has been preparing to defeat us for years. 

  NERMUT: Check, check. 

  DAR: Why are we all talking into microphones right now? 

  PLECK: Yeah, actually, that's sort of a good question, Dar. 

  BARGIE: All right, everyone calm down, okay? 

  PLECK: Yeah, Bargie, listen, I know you and C-53 have been rushing around the ship, sort of like setting stuff up, and I kinda tried to ignore it, but there's a lot going on. 

  AJ: Yeah, we're all on mic. Also, seriously, we're not doing anything after we-- 

  PLECK: We'll do something, we're gonna hang out, obviously. I just don't wanna make any promises. 

  AJ: I mean, if we're not going on a mission, are we gonna really hang out? Or are we just gonna say we're going to? 

  PLECK: I mean, that's a good question. 

  SOUND GUY: Check, check.

  BARGIE: Don't worry about it, I have a sound guy coming in right now. He's setting up the mics, he's fixing it up. 

  C-53: Ah, it's got a switch. 

  PLECK: C-53. C-53. 

  C-53: You know, I'm still getting used to this K’hekk body. It's got some weird stuff. 

  PLECK: Don’t do that-

  C-53: No, it does! 

  PLECK: You know, C-53, you're the one of us who should be, that should be your first move, looking for the switch. 

  C-53: Well, fair enough. 

  AJ: So, what are the mics for? 

  C-53: Well, Bargie and I realized, you know, we haven't done a proper finale for Cube2Cube. 

  AJ: Wait, what's Cube2Cube? 

  PLECK: Now, AJ, you know what Cube2Cube is.

  C-53: AJ, that oughta…

  DAR: No, no, no, I like that question. I feel like someone should answer that question for everybody present. 

  AJ: Wait, is this the podcast where you guys do drugs? 

  BARGIE: It's about more than that. It's about pop culture.

  C-53: Pop culture. 

  BARGIE: It's about, um. 

  C-53: You know, previous episodes of the podcast. 

  BARGIE: Right, right, right. Some may call it a very irritating experience. 

  AJ: So, you guys are doing, like, a finale? 

  C-53: Yeah. 

  AJ: Why? 

  C-53: Well, AJ, you just said we might all die, so. 

  AJ: Right, but like, it's a podcast. It doesn't need a finale. 

  PLECK: Yeah, that's a pretty good point. 

  C-53: That's a good-

  [mic feedback]

  BARGIE: Hot mic! Hot mic!

  NERMUT: Whoa, AJ, the sound guy did not like that comment. Yeah. 

  BARGIE: Hot mic. 

  C-53: Hey, AJ, don't tempt the board op, you know? They're gonna-

  AJ: I'm just saying, it's like, it's a podcast. Just don't put it out anymore. 

  PLECK: Well, I guess my question, though, is Bargie, C-53, like, usually you guys just do it. You know, C-53's got a mic. Bargie's recording internally. What's all the mics about? Like, why are you doing it like this? 

  BARGIE: When you do a finale, Pleckthaniel, you'll put out all the stops. You'll make it a show. You'll bring in a live audience. 

  [audience cheering] 

  PLECK: Wait, there’s- Who are these? Bargie, where did all these people come from? 

  NERMUT: Yeah, we're in hyperspace. 

  PLECK: How did people get aboard the ship? 

  AJ: Also, it's a podcast. Why does it have to be live? The whole point of it is that it's not live. 

  PLECK: Yeah, it's also, there's no visual element to it. Why are people gonna come sit in a room while we just all talk in a microphone? 

  AJ: That's insane!

  C-53: Well, I don't know. We put out the call on the previous episode of the podcast, and this is how many people showed up. 

  PLECK: That's pretty good. 

  C-53: That's not bad. 

  PLECK: Well, I guess, you know, the other question I have is, like, you guys don't have any hyper proton fuel. What's the plan? Are you guys just gonna do it normal? 

  C-53: Yeah, sure. 

  BARGIE: Yeah. 

  AJ: You never needed it. You never needed drugs to be cool. 

  PLECK: All right, well, I guess we have a few hours until we get to Mufalata Secundus, so we- 

  BARGIE: And Nermut is our director!

  NERMUT: Hello, I've got a clipboard here. Okay, so everyone, you should check your email because you've got the rundown of the day, and we've got talent listed in descending order of importance. 

  C-53: Ascending order. 

  NERMUT:  Descending. I'm the director. 

  C-53: Okay. 

  AJ: Talent, it's a podcast, I mean, right? 

  PLECK: AJ, relax. I can see your shit-eating grin through your helmet. [audience laughs] Nermut, you say descending order of importance? Why are there three empty spaces before my name at the bottom? 

  NERMUT: Several of the guests were not able to make it. 

  PLECK: So at least I should, so that-- 

  NERMUT: They're still more important than you. 

  PLECK: Their absence is still, okay, all right. It says sound op, what does that do? What's sound op? 

  NERMUT: Yeah, so you, here's a soundboard for you. It's a simple keypad, easy. So you're just gonna fire the sound cues during the show. 

  PLECK: Um. None of these are labeled. 

  NERMUT: Yeah, Pleck, they all each make a separate sound. 

  PLECK: No, I know that, but how do I know which sound each one makes? 

  AJ: It's a podcast, just wing it. Nobody's gonna give a shit, don't worry about it. 

  PLECK: I can see your eyes scrunching up again through your helmet like you're saying, “I just said something funny.” Can I just say something? If we've got real people here watching a real show for the end of Cube2Cube, we can't be self-indulgent and spend an hour and a half jucking around before we get to the show. Can we get started? 

  AJ: Okay, yeah, sure. 

  C-53: Some would say that is the show. 

  PLECK: Okay, I'm just gonna hit one of these buttons. 

  SOUNDBOARD: Bah bah dah dah bah, bah dah bah bah dah bah, bah dah bah dah bah dah bah, Cube2Cube!

  C-53: All right. Oh, that's a good one, yeah. 

  BARGIE: All right, all right. 

  C-53: Hey, all right, welcome to the final episode of Cube2Cube. 

  BARGIE: Yeah, no more!

  [audience cheering] 

  BARGIE: That's right, it's over after this. Ceef, no more, finito, it's done-zo. 

  C-53: That's right, the Squid, this is, well, this is the end of a long road.

  NERMUT: Everyone nod if you can hear me in your headsets. Oh, great. 

  [audience laughing] 

  C-53: Seems like we could have done that before we started recording. 

  BARGIE: Now, as you know, Cube2Cube is a podcast about so many things. 

  C-53: That's right. 

  BARGIE: Movies, memories, hyper proton fuel. 

  C-53: I mean, probably first and foremost, yeah. 

  BARGIE: And solid and gaseous members of our society. 

  C-53: Yes, very true. 

  BARGIE: And today, for our final episode, we will be taking a moment to honor each and every one. 

  C-53: Every member of our society is gonna be honored on today's episode. 

  BARGIE: All right, let's just name names. Let's just name names. 

  C-53: Oh, sure. Um, uh, Korg. 

  BARGIE: Ferris Helfer. 

  C-53: Tabulon Five. 

  BARGIE: Happen Tokentisk. 

  C-53: Uh, Tibble-o Jim-bay. 

  BARGIE: Bill. 

  AJ: Papa. 

  BARGIE: Bill. 

  PLECK: Yeah, yeah, what is it, AJ? 

  AJ: So this is the podcast? 

  PLECK: Yeah. 

  [audience laughing] 

  PLECK: Yeah, I'm just glad they have a creative outlet, you know? 

  AJ: Yeah, sure, no, it's super important. 

  BARGIE: Now, as you know, back in the day, C and I used to be talking mile a minute. 

  C-53: That's right. 

  BARGIE: We used to be insane. We would have hyper proton fuel from top to bottom of our sentient beings, but not today. We decided to slow it down [dramatic music plays] and also talk about murder. 

  C-53: Yeah, Pleck. [audience laughing] Okay, that's fine. This is back when we were more of a true crime podcast. Yeah, we can work that in, sure. We're going to murder someone soon. 

  PLECK: What? 

  DAR: I have suggestions. 

  C-53: Oh yeah, we'd love to hear 'em. Dar, how do you think we should kill Kor Balevore? 

  DAR: Oh, oh, suggestions for killing Kor Balevore. 

  C-53: Yeah, that's who we're on the way to go kill, I assume. 

  PLECK: You know, I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it [AJ locks and loads] okay, it's gonna be a while. We don't have to lock and load, AJ.

  C-53: Yeah, AJ…

  DAR: You know, Kor's kind of like a misunderstood guy. 

  C-53: What about him have we misunderstood? 

  DAR: It's just that maybe he's felt a little vengeful for past wrongdoings. You know, that could really drive a sentient crazy. 

  BARGIE: C, C, I found hyper proton fuel. 

  C-53: Yes, yes. 

  BARGIE: Let's get it! 

  C-53: Let's do it. 

  BARGIE: [screaming] Time for housekeeping, motherjuckers! 

  SOUNDBOARD: House, keeping, house house keeping!

  C-53: Ooh, it's time for some housekeeping. Housekeeping. Barge, what do you got going on? 

  BARGIE: Tonight we're gonna talk about the things that we didn't talk about in the other parts of the show. What are five nouns we forgot to mention in all 1,000 episodes of our trivia show? 

  C-53: Never talked about bananas. 

  BARGIE: You did it. 

  C-53: They never talked about playgrounds. 

  BARGIE: Never did. 

  C-53: Never talked about going on a luxury cruise with your parents. 

  BARGIE: Never did. You almost did, but I said don't you dare, don't you dare!

  C-53: Yeah, and I didn't do it, but we're bringing it up now. We didn't talk about fashionable headbands not making a comeback. And then that fifth thing we didn't talk about was water, which is weird!

  AJ: So this is a segment? 

  SOUNDBOARD: Five, five, this is number five!

  C-53: Yep, it's a segment, brother. Watch out. 

  AJ: So, oh, listen. Hey, audience, like, say no to drugs. 

  C-53: Boo. Nerd!

  BARGIE: Booo!

  [audience boos]

  AJ: And I'm not saying that just because I can't process most drugs. 

  C-53: Ooh, yeah, let's get into it. Let's dive deep with AJ. 

  BARGIE: It's called the AJ Minute. 

  C-53: All right, AJ Minute, let's kick it off. 

  AJ: Wha..?

  SOUNDBOARD: ♪ You never know what he's gonna say ♪ ♪ Why don't we throw it over to you, AJ ♪ 

  C-53: AJ Minute, take it. 

  NERMUT: AJ, go. 

  C-53: Take it. 

  NERMUT: AJ, 58 seconds, 57. 

  AJ: I don't do drugs because I lack a gland that can process them because it was too expensive for the cloners to make, and so they just left it out. I don't have the enzymes to break down a drug.

  SOUNDBOARD: ♪ Well, that's what was on his mind today ♪ ♪ That's all we got from our friend AJ ♪ 

  C-53: That's a great jingle. It's terrific. 

  NERMUT: Everyone, AJ has moved up a slot on the talent list. The audience is loving the segment. 

  C-53: Hey, nice job, AJ, you're up. 

  AJ: Uh, what? 

  BARGIE: Now, the theme of today's episode is accepting the inevitable end, and also it's time for some voicemails!

  PLECK: Whoa, voicemails. 

  C-53: That's right. Can we get that playback? 

  PLECK: UH. Maybe. 

  SOUNDBOARD: PpppppPPPppPPPppPop! Pop culture!

  C-53: Wrong. Not it! 

  PLECK: Sorry, I don't have any labels on these. 

  C-53: Pleck, are you gonna do your job or are you gonna pretend? 

  PLECK: But I, okay, well, we know that one's pop culture. 

  C-53: Okay, yeah. 

  SOUNDBOARD: ♪ House, keeping, house, house, keeping ♪ 

  C-53: No. 

  BARGIE: This was a terrible idea. 

  C-53: 0 for 2, buddy!

  PLECK: Guys, listen, there's an audience-- 

  C-53: I'm giving you one more chance. 

  SOUNDBOARD: Voicemails. We’re sorry! 

  C-53: Yeah!

  [audience applauds] 

  PLECK: All right. Okay. 

  C-53: Pleck, you're back in the show. 

  PLECK: Thank you. All right.

  C-53: Barge, do we have any good voicemails? 

  BARGIE: We have a bunch of new voicemails. I don't know who they are yet until they show up. 

  PLECK: Oh, wow, okay. 

  BARGIE: Any guests at any moment now. 

  C-53: Yep, can just come out. 

  DAR: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [audience applauds] 

  C-53: And leave some sort of voicemail that Barge has queued up for the show. Here it is. 

  BERT: Hello, this is Bert Brock. 

  PLECK: Bert Brock? I don't know Bert Brock. 

  BERT: Bert Brock, I was wondering if you'd ever come back. Now that you're gone, would you come back? Because a lot of people have asked me if I'd come back. And I'm wondering, is there a future beyond this, the end? And also, did Pleck ever juck? 

  C-53: Well, to answer the second question first, no. 

  PLECK: No, the answer's no. That voicemail. 

  NERMUT: Wow. 

  [audience applauds] 

  PLECK: I feel like that voicemail, for the first three quarters of it, I was like, this guy's calling into the wrong podcast. And then it got real specific at the end. 

  C-53: Uh-huh, yeah, yeah. Pretty weird, Barge, what do you think? 

  BARGIE: I think you just accept what's coming to you and you never look back and you never do things twice. And you know, you have no regrets is what I say. 

  PLECK: Wow, that's good advice, Bargie. 

  BARGIE: And then you get jucked up. 

  C-53: And then you get jucked up, baby!

  PLECK: Okay. All right. 

  C-53: Do we got another voicemail? 

  BARGIE:  We sure do, coming up. 

  C-53: Oh, already, okay, yeah, already. 

  SOUNDBOARD: Voicemails. We're sorry. 

  BIG SHIP: Hi, I couldn't tell if it beeped, so I'm just gonna start my voicemail now. Hi, I am a ship. 

  BARGIE: Okay. 

  BIG SHIP: Big fan, Bargie. Really big, I'm a really big ship. And I was wondering how you keep passengers off of you, how you just stand up for yourself and say, "No, you cannot board." Also, did Pleck ever… you know what, I don't even wanna think about it. 

  [audience laughing] 

  C-53: To answer your second question first, no. 

  BARGIE: Yeah. And honestly, for the second one, I want you to answer it, C. 

  C-53: Barge, this is a great honor. 

  BARGIE: You’re always in part of me, so I just wanna know. Pew pew!

  C-53: Okay. 

  BARGIE: Do you feel the same way that I do? 

  C-53: How does Barge keep passengers off her? Well, a lot of times you take off with the back door open. 

  BARGIE: Yeah, I do that. 

  C-53: It's hard to hang on. 

  BARGIE: Yeah. 

  C-53: You know, I've got these K’hekk claws and before I had clamp hands, you know, and sometimes people just don't have the grip. 

  AJ: Hey, Nermut? 

  NERMUT: Yeah. 

  AJ: Is this going well to you? 

  NERMUT: Oh yeah. 

  AJ: It is? 

  NERMUT: This is by far the best episode of Cube2Cube. 

  AJ: Wow. 

  NERMUT: Also, craft services just got here about two hours late. It's gonna be awkward, but we can kinda individually go eat. Anyway, uh. 

  PLECK: Nermut, Nermut. Your whole thing is organization. It really feels like you're flying by the seat of your pants right now. 

  NERMUT: My pants were eaten by rats. 

  PLECK: I know. You gotta get more pants, bud. 

  NERMUT: Yeah. 

  C-53: Yeah. 

  PLECK: All right, I'm gonna press another one of these buttons. 

  C-53: Okay. 

  SOUNDBOARD: [music]

  PLECK: Oh, Nermut. One of these buttons plays "Speeder Ride?" 

  C-53: Nermut, you loaded your own single onto the soundboard? 

  NERMUT: That's Bermut's single. 

  PLECK: How do I turn this off?

  SOUNDBOARD:  ♪ House, keeping, house house keeping ♪ 

  PLECK: Okay. 

  C-53: Pleck, you're about to lose that board op job. 

  PLECK: [upset] I literally, Nermut just handed this to me like 10 minutes ago. 

  NERMUT: Should we have the professional sound person we hired do it? 

  SOUND GUY: I could like take over for you. 

  PLECK: Oh, sure. 

  C-53: I think that would be for the best. 

  SOUND GUY: Cool, thanks. I mean. 

  PLECK: I don't know why you guys asked me to do it in the first place. 

  [audience cheering] 

  C-53: Sorry for trying to involve you, Pleck. 

  NERMUT: Also, just a warning that we are about to start recording. 

  PLECK: [angrily] Nermut! 

  C-53: Wait, wait, Nermut, Nermut! 

  NERMUT: Yeah. 

  C-53: Are you telling me we just missed all that gold? All those fantastic-

  NERMUT: My pol- If you record the first bit, you're gonna start, you're just gonna ramp up, start on the top of the 30,000 foot flight, baby. 

  DAR: We're only at 30,000 feet? 

  C-53: We should be flying much higher. 

  AJ: Hey, here's a question. 

  PLECK: Yeah. 

  AJ: If we're all going to die, is this how we wanna spend… kind of some of our last moments? 

  PLECK: Yeah, I mean, actually, AJ really brings up a good point. 

  BARGIE: This is a new segment we're calling Confessions. 

  C-53: Ooh, I like it, Barge. 

  PLECK: All right.

  C-53: AJ, what do you got? Is this how you wanna be spending your final moments? 

  AJ: I don't get the whole podcast thing. I'm sort of like, what's a podcast? That's, I guess, what I'm asking. 

  C-53: Well, the term podcast originally came from, you know, the planet Clelululax, and people would be birthed into those pods, and they would have to cast out an embryonic tendril into the brain of a nearby mammal, and then broadcast their thoughts into that brain so it would tear open the pod and release them. 

  BARGIE: And sometimes you get ad sponsorship. 

  C-53: Yeah, also, that was part of it, yeah. 

  AJ: Oh!

  DAR: Oh, speaking of, I think we have an ad right now. AJ, maybe you should read it. 

  AJ: Okay. Wow, when I'm flying through space and I wanna keep things cool, nothing's better than a Koolpak Cold Sac. I know that we do a lot of these sorts of things, but this is something I actually use... Yeah, so type in the code C2C and get 20% off a pack. 

  DAR: Look at how well you read all that. 

  AJ: So now they think that I actually use this? 

  C-53: Yeah, that's-- 

  AJ: Is that 'cause I said it on a podcast? 

  C-53: Everyone believes it 100%. 

  AJ: Okay. 

  BARGIE: Well, this is the part of the podcast where I say the stakes just got a little higher because my hull will not close, officially, and we're starting to lose stuff. So I say we forge along of this podcast. 

  NERMUT: The studio audience is much smaller! 

  [individual audience members yelp]

  C-53: Yeah, we-- 

  NERMUT: We're losing audience members! 

  C-53: Oh, I guarantee we're losing audience members. [laughing] 

  BARGIE: Yup. 

  AJ: Yeah, I could've told you that.

  C-53: Well, Barge, you know, since it's the finale, I think we oughta take some calls from listeners. 

  PLECK: Oh, okay, sure, yeah. 

  C-53: Yeah, do we have anyone on the soundboard? 

  NERMUT: Incoming call. 

  C-53: Okay, great. 

  [communicator beeps]

  C-53: Hey, you're on with Ceef and the Squid. What's your question, caller? 

  BARGIE: What do you want? 

  DROID: Wow, I read it through? 

  C-53: Yes, you did. 

  NERMUT: You're our first and only caller. 

  DROID: Wow, okay, big, big fan. And Bargie, I have seen all of your holos, and I read all of the gossip columns about you, and I know everything about your love life. 

  BARGIE: Fantastic. 

  DROID: So my question is, if I'm a droid, and I'm in love with a Tellurian, how much negging is too much negging? 

  [audience laughing] 

  BARGIE: Well, why don't we go to a clip to my last date? 

  [clip plays]

  DATE: Uh, Bargie…

  BARGIE: What's wrong with your face? 

  DATE: Uhhh…

  [clip ends]

  BARGIE: We dated for 19 months. 

  PLECK: Wow!

  C-53: That's a long relationship! 

  DROID: That was really helpful, thank you. 

  C-53: Not sure how, but I'm glad you got some closure, caller!

  DROID: Yeah, thank you so much, big fan. 

  PLECK: Okay. Hey, wow. 

  C-53: Director, do we have any other callers inbound? 

  NERMUT: We do, we have another call coming in. 

  C-53: Great, it's happening. Caller, you're on with Ceef and the Squid. What is your question? 

  ERIC: Uh, hi, Ceef and the Squid. My name is Eric Seven. 

  C-53: Hello, Eric. Seven. 

  ERIC: [creepily] And I just wanted to ask, what is your morning skincare routine like? 

  BARGIE: Wow.

  C-53: Ooh. 

  AJ: What the juck? [audience laughing] 

  PLECK: Sorry, is that a question for the bug or for the ship? 

  ERIC: That's a question for the ship. I'm looking to know what your morning skincare routine is for your middle exterior chassis, your bow, your stern, your port, and your starboard. 

  BARGIE: Well, funny you asked, because it's our latest ad sponsor! AJ, take it away. 

  [audience laughing] 

  AJ: Hey, everybody, it's me, Bargie. [audience laughing] When I get started in the morning, you wanna know how I get my glow? Well, that's easy. ShipShyne 9000. It's an exfoliant and industrial strength metal cleaner. Just a dab on my whole, or my bow, or my stern, or my port, or aft even? Sometimes on the radar dish. Code is C2C. 

  ERIC: Mmhmm….

  BARGIE: This is Bargie, and I approve of this ad. 

  [audience laughing] 

  C-53: Thank you, caller. 

  ERIC: Thank you, first time, long time. 

  PLECK: That was really confusing. 

  NERMUT: Yeah, you put the story of the podcast into the ads. 

  PLECK: Yeah, no, I get that part. 

  C-53: I’m told advertisers "hate it." 

  NERMUT: Yeah, advertisers hate it. 

  PLECK: Yeah, we haven't had any ads in a while. I wonder if that's-- 

  NERMUT: Yeah, probably unrelated. 

  PLECK: Okay. 

  BARGIE: But I think this relates to our new segment, that we will create a new song for called Pleck’s Breakdown. 

  BARGIE AND C-53: [singing] PleeeEEEEEeck’s Breakdown!

  NERMUT: I like this new sound guy. 

  AJ: Yeah, the stowaway’s on point! 

  C-53: Yeah, this guy can follow me. 

  PLECK: Okay. Now, when you say Pleck’s Breakdown, do you want me to have a breakdown, or break something down? 

  BARGIE: Just keep talking the way you are. 

  C-53: Whatever you wanna do, buddy. 

  PLECK: Okay. 

  C-53: They both qualify. 

  PLECK: Okay, Pleck Decksetter here. Thanks for listening to the show. Hope you're enjoying the finale. I just wanna say a couple things. One, if my parents are listening to this, I would like to apologize for not calling you as I head to what probably will be, uh, my last adventure. 

  BARGIE: Sorry to interrupt. Please tie it into murder as well. 

  [audience laughing] 

  PLECK: This is the- The murder song? You don’t have another song? You gotta play the murder song?!

  C-53: Now that's a breakdown. 

  PLECK: Okay. 

  AJ: I hope he has tissues.

  PLECK: What? 

  AJ: Do you have tissues with you, Papa, in case you cry? 

  PLECK: Oh yeah, no, no, I don't need that. 

  NERMUT: Pleck, this segment is testing amazingly with our live focus groups. 

  PLECK: I refuse to believe that. 

  NERMUT: Go deep, go deep, go deep. Keep going!

  PLECK: I just wanna say, you know, I think this is probably as good a time as any. We're headed towards our destinies. Some of us have prophecies, some of us don't, but I think we can all agree- 

  C-53: Oh, humble brag. 

  BARGIE: Wait, what? 

  [audience laughing] 

  PLECK: No, I mean, we're all in it together is what I'm saying. You know, at the-- 

  NERMUT: Raise your hand if you have a prophecy. 

  C-53: Oh, okay. 

  PLECK: Okay, well, no, I mean, it's all-- Oh, wow, the sound guy? 

  NERMUT: Oh, the sound guy has a prophecy? 

  BARGIE: Wow! 

  C-53: Wait, wait, hold on, sound guy, what's your prophecy? 

  [audience laughing] 

  SOUND GUY: It had something to do with a worm. I don't totally remember what the thing was. But I think I like beat a worm or something? 

  C-53: Yeah, we-- 

  DAR: I bet you that will all come to light very soon. 

  PLECK: Hold on a second. You know enough about a prophecy about you to know it's about a worm and that's it? 

  SOUND GUY: I mean-- 

  C-53: [angrily] Oh, sorry, has your prophecy always been crystal clear, Pleck? 

  [audience laughing] 

  SOUND GUY: I think it's like a good one, though. 

  NERMUT: Okay, yeah. 

  C-53: Probably, I hope so. 

  PLECK: Good luck, man, keep us posted. 

  AJ: Hey, Nermut. 

  NERMUT: Yeah? 

  AJ: Do you still think this is going well? 

  NERMUT: AJ, I haven't actually started recording yet. 

  PLECK: [shouting] Nermut! 

  C-53: Nermut!

  NERMUT:  I think I'm gonna record some-- Yeah? 

  C-53: We haven't recorded any of this? 

  NERMUT: No, but it's getting, once it's-- oo! We’re gonna..

  C-53: All right, Nermut, I need you to turn the recorder on right now. 

  NERMUT: Fine. 

  C-53: And I want a caller. 

  NERMUT: Okay. 

  [communicator beeps]

  C-53: You're on with Ceef and the Squid. What is your question? 

  JAKK: Hey, this is Jakk. 

  PLECK: Oh! Oh, Jakk! 

  JAKK: The father of Shai’An, the very handsome Piano Ball. 

  C-53: Oh, d’oh boy.

  JAKK: Listen, things have been weird since you left. A bunch of kids built a big golf course. 

  C-53: Oh no. 

  JAKK: And pushed our Piano Ball into one of the holes. 

  C-53: Ah. 

  JAKK: And we can't get out, so we need a lot of people to sing a big chord so we can grow legs to get out of the golf hole.  

  C-53: Wait, whoa, this is a tough voicemail to get when we're on the way somewhere else! 

  JAKK: Yeah. 

  PLECK: And in a different galaxy. 

  C-53: Yeah. 

  NERMUT: But we have a couple hundred people here who could maybe all sing this chord together. 

  C-53: Oh, that's a good point. 

  JAKK: Also, if the chord is bad, we'll explode and die forever! 

  PLECK: Oh no! 

  BARGIE: Oh, wow. Oh, stakes!

  JAKK: Yeah, so it's really up to you what chord you wanna do. 

  AJ: Oh, okay. 

  JAKK: Yeah, yeah, any, as long as it's a good chord. 

  NERMUT: Uh, I think AJ should kick it off, right? 

  AJ: Why me? Oh yeah, 'cause I was in CLINTSync, that's right. I do have a history in the biz. Okay, so, all right, we gotta get 'em out of this golf hole. Okay, so let's start, audience, with, some of you go, "Baaaaa." 

  AUDIENCE: [singing] Baaaaaaa!

  AJ: There you go, good, good. And then some of you go, "Aaaaaa." 

  AUDIENCE: [singing] Aaaaaaaaa!

  AJ: And some of you go, "Eeeeeeeee."

  AUDIENCE: [singing slightly off pitch] Eeeeeeeeee!

  PLECK: AJ, I don't think your military grade pitch corrector is working.

  C-53: It’s getting a little sour!

  AJ: Okay, that's good. 

  JAKK: Euuguuuuhghhhhhhh!

  CREW: Oh no! Oh no!

  PLECK: What have we done! What have we done!

  JAKK: [pained] AGHHHHHHHHHhhh!

  C-53: Oh no!

  JAKK: [happily] It worked!

  CREW: Yay! 

  [audience cheers] 

  PLECK: Wow. 

  AJ: See, told ya. 

  C-53: Wow.  That really could've gone either way for a second there. 

  PLECK: Yeah. 

  JUSTIN: Wait, what are you guys even doing? 

  PLECK: Oh, hey Justin. 

  DAR: Oh, hey Justin. 

  C-53: We're just doing Cube2Cube. 

  JUSTIN: What are you doing right now? I'm trying to slehp. It's Justin and I'm trying to slehp. 

  C-53: Justin, we know. It's all right, we're just doing the last Cube2Cube. 

  JUSTIN: What? 

  C-53: You know, Cube2Cube, the podcast that Bargie and I do. 

  AJ: Justin, as a young person, do you listen to podcasts? 

  JUSTIN: No, I only watch TokToks. 

  C-53: Ah, yeah, yeah, sure. 

  PLECK: You know, C-53, Bargie, maybe you should consider doing, like, a TokTok thing instead. 

  C-53: Well, we put a couple of episodes of Cube2Cube on TokTok and they were roundly criticized. 

  AJ: You guys have a problem. You should stop doing drugs. 

  C-53: Hey, buddy, why don't you back off? 

  AJ: I care about you. What, what? It's not good! Like, do you think this is good? Do you think what's, you haven't even started recording because you've got the drugs in your mouth! 

  C-53: Oh, come o- I told you to start recording!

  NERMUT: I might. 

  DAR: Ooh, now that, that's a breakdown. 

  NERMUT: Oh, yeah, yeah. 

  AJ: I'm sick of it. I'm sick of always like, everyone being like, "No, AJ, no, AJ." It's like, I'm awesome. I kick ass. 

  [audience cheering] 

  BARGIE: Yeah, okay. 

  C-53: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm sick of you dumping on my podcast! This podcast brings a lot of people a lot of joy. So why don't you back off, tough guy? 

  BARGIE: And I say, why don't you integrate what you're saying right now to this latest ad break so we can actually get some jucking money out of this? 

  [audience laughing] 

  AJ: You know, sometimes when I'm thirsty, the thing I really want to reach for is a big old glass of Grt Milk. It's already got the vitamins that I need. And it's tasty, too. When I'm having an emotional breakdown, how did you guys like, write this in the copy? 

  NERMUT: We've got a lot of live writers just working on this. 

  [audience laughing] 

  AJ: When I'm having an emotional breakdown, arguing with my friends about what exactly a podcast is, I really like a tall, cool glass of Grt Milk right by my side. “Grt Milk. Grt… Milk?”

  [audience laughing] 

  C-53: Great tag. 

  NERMUT: To be clear, Grt is not a brand, it's an animal. 

  C-53: Yeah. 

  NERMUT: That was not a paid sponsorship, just sort of-- 

  AJ: If it's not a paid sponsorship, what is it? 

  NERMUT: Oh, that's kind of a good question. 

  PLECK: Nermut. 

  NERMUT: Yeah. 

  AJ: So we just read it for what? 

  NERMUT: You don't love animals? 

  AJ: No, I do, but like-- 

  DAR: AJ, you don't love animals? 

  AJ: I do love animals. 

  C-53: AJ, you don't love animals? 

  AJ: What's happening? 

  SOUNDBOARD: ♪ Well, that's what was on his mind today ♪ ♪ That's all we got from our friend AJ ♪ 

  PLECK: Oh. 

  NERMUT: That was another AJ minute that had aN end, but not a start. 

  C-53: Yeah. 

  [audience laughing] 

  PLECK: I just find it sort of strange that we've done four ads without having rolled yet. 

  BARGIE: Now I don't want to alarm anybody, but it's our final voicemail from a group of people. 

  C-53: Oh, multiple people left a voicemail together? 

  SOUNDBOARD: Voicemail. We're sorry. 

  [audience cheering] 

  [on stage, multiple people are coming on to read]

  DAR: Multiple people. 

  C-53: Okay, great. 

  AJ: Oh, wow. 

  C-53: Yeah. 

  BARGIE: That's a huge-- 

  AJ: How many people do you think are on this voicemail? 

  C-53: Oh, wow. 

  BARGIE: That's a giant- 

  [audience laughing] 

  NERMUT: A lot of people share a phone, it's normal. 

  C-53: Yeah, sure. All right, let's play it. 

  LAIRD: Hi, my name's Laird Trammell, and I work for the Intergalactic Universal Census. And you members of the Bargerean Jade have not returned any of the census forms. 

  C-53: True. 

  LAIRD: And have made my life jucking miserable. And I found that you have time for a podcast, but not time for the forms. 

  AJ: Oh, that's a tough one. 

  BARGIE: Oh, right, I forgot, this is that census worm that has like 10, nine heads. 

  C-53: Yeah. 

  AJ: Oh, yeah. 

  LAIRD: So it's less of a question, more of an airing of grievance, although there is one question. If Pleck has jucked and has sired children, then I'm gonna need to know that number 'cause that's extra people to put on the census. 

  C-53: Oh, so you answered the census question-

  PLECK: It’s zero. 

  AJ: Right, right, right, right. 

  PLECK: You can at least fill that part of the form in. 

  AJ: What do the other heads of the census alien have to say? 

  C-53: Yeah, the other heads have grievances? What are they? 

  LAIRD 2: Oh, look, how's it going? I was just calling, this is my first time listening, a long time calling. I'm really excited to talk to you today. I wanna give a personal invitation to Bargie. Come on out, let's talk about proposal and consider it a ship show! 

  BARGIE: What, yes, okay, I'll be there! 

  PLECK: Barge, it’s a voicemail. 

  [audience laughing] 

  PLECK: Wait, that was one of the census worm heads? 

  C-53: Yeah, keep going. 

  LAIRD 3: [alien murmuring] big fan…

  DAR: I think you gotta play the murder music. 

  C-53: Yeah, I don't know anything for this. 

  PLECK: I think that one cursed me! 

  C-53: Yeah, not good. 

  DAR: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

  LAIRD 4: Juntawa, Juntawa. 

  PLECK: Oh, boy, okay.

  BARGIE: Ohhh, ohhh!

  AJ: Yeah, one speaks Juntawa, that checks out. 

  LAIRD 4: Juntawa. 

  C-53: That's good, that's good. 

  LAIRD 5: Yeah, you know when you're one of many heads on one body and you have a crush on one of the other heads? 

  C-53: Oh. 

  LAIRD 5: What do you do to, what do you get the other head's attention? 

  [audience laughing] 

  LAIRD 6: Hi, I am the final head of the census and I just wanted to point out that we are at the end of the census and sometimes reaching the end is the most important yet most difficult part. To just say, we're done with the census. 

  [audience laughing] 

  AJ: Huh. 

  C-53: Very wise, very wise. 

  PLECK: That's a good point, that's a good point. 

  AJ: I didn't get it, what? The end is hard but it's also important? Nah. Right? 

  BARGIE: Well, C, I think that, I think we should, I think we should-- 

  PLECK: Start recording? 

  BARGIE: I think we should.. [tearing up] 

  C-53: [tearing up] I agree. 

  BARGIE: You know what I mean, C?

  C-53: Yeah. 

  BARGIE: You know what I'm going through, C? 

  C-53: Yeaaaah. 

  BARGIE: You know what I'm feeling, C? 

  C-53: Yeaaaaah, I'm feeling what you're feeling. 

  BARGIE: [sadly] It’s guung nunun C… 

  C-53: Yeah, we better do some hyper proton. 

  BARGIE: You're my best friend, C!

  C-53: YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND BARGIE

  AJ: [confused] I mean, are people this upset about a podcast ending? For real? 

  [audience laughing, outro music] 

  C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship was played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind. AJ was played by Winston Noel. And live sound design by Shane O'Connell! Plus, special guests, David Bluvband. Jordan Carlos. Ellena Doe. Johnathan Fernandez. Aaron Gerson. Lou Gonzalez. Matt Little. Tammy Sager. And Riley Soloner. With a live opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Recorded live at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York on April 10, 2022. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor. Ship design for Bargerean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Thank you so much for coming to the show!

  [audience cheering] 

  JORDAN B’KORKAN: ♪ Growing up in the sticks♪ ♪ Knew there had to be something else more than this ♪ ♪ I closed my eyes every single night ♪ ♪ Prayed one day I'd see my name up there in Holowood lights ♪ ♪ Yeah, I grabbed the chance to leave these parts ♪ ♪ When my first song, it hit the charts ♪ ♪ Couldn't count all the kroon I’d made ♪ ♪ Parties every night in the Bargarean Jade, yeah ♪ ♪ But now I'm sending up a brand new prayer ♪ ♪ Rodd, take me back to those days I remember ♪ ♪ Slog’s Diner hanging out with weird bug creatures ♪ ♪ My first orange beer underneath the Zi-Ball  bleachers ♪ ♪ Tops down, hyper driving all night ♪ ♪ Cigarillios kickin’ in ♪ ♪ You're absolutely right ♪ ♪ After all the things I've seen and all the stuff I've done ♪ ♪ Just wanna be where everybody has at least five sons ♪ ♪ Can't believe now that I'm looking back ♪ ♪ I've come to find it don't get much better than Zyxx ♪ ♪ Don't get much better than Zyxx, baby ♪ ♪ Picked up the phone, called my band ♪ ♪ Listen up now, Jordan's got a new plan ♪ ♪ Pack your stuff, y'all, there's no time to rest ♪ ♪ We're setting up shop in the quadrant that's best, yeah ♪ ♪ And they all said that I sounded jucking crazy ♪ ♪ Hold those orses now 'cause you're gonna thank me ♪ ♪ When you see ♪ ♪ Blimpie’s theme park, where the rides always make me see ♪ ♪ My favorite corner store, RIP, Mrs. Goehrlich♪ ♪ Our politicians always keeping it tight ♪ ♪ If you think I'm back for good this time ♪ ♪ You're absolutely right ♪ ♪ After all the things I've done and all the stuff I've seen ♪ ♪ Just wanna kick it on my ♪ 

  MAXIMUM FUN: Hey there, quick favor to ask. Will you help us out by taking a five minute survey at maximumfun.org/survey? As you know, most of the support for MaxFun comes directly from folks like you, but many of our shows and our network also rely on limited advertising for some revenue. This survey helps us attract advertisers that are a good fit for the audiences of our shows, and it helps many of our hosts secure a bit of extra income. It should only take a few minutes to complete, and you'll get a discount at MaxFun store when you do. That's maximumfund.org/survey. Thanks. 

  LISA: I'm Lisa Hanawalt. 

  EMILY: And I'm Emily Heller. 

  LISA: Nine years ago, we started a podcast to try and learn something new every episode. 

  EMILY: Things have gone a little off the rails since then. Tune in to hear about. 

  LISA: Low stakes neighborhood drama. 

  EMILY: Gardening. 

  LISA: The sordid, nasty underbelly of the horse girl lifestyle. 

  EMILY: Hot sauce. 

  LISA: Addiction to TV and sweaty takes on celebrity culture. 

  EMILY: And the weirdest, grossest stuff you can find on wikipedia.org. 

  LISA: We'll read all of it, no matter how gross. 

  EMILY: There's something for everyone on our podcast, Baby Geniuses. 

  LISA: Hosted by us, two horny adult idiots. 

  EMILY: Hang out with us as we try and fail to retain any knowledge at all. 

  LISA: Every other week on Maximum Fun. 

  SONG: ♪ Baby geniuses, tell us something we don't know ♪ 

  MAXIMUM FUN: Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. 

  SETH: So one thing we’d like to do is invite you if you're willing to be in the show, the podcast. 

  [audience cheering]

  SETH: We have one more episode. 

  JEREMY: Couple of takers. 

  SETH: We need some crowd sound, so if you'd like to do that, please do. If you don't wanna do it, just don't say anything. 

  ALDEN: Yeah. 

  SETH: Yeah. So Moujan, you had an idea of where we'd start. 

  MOUJAN: Oh sure, okay, so this is very important. This is a big part of the episode. If everyone could just meow like a tiny cat.

  [audience laughing] 

  SETH: It's not on the sheet and it's not for the show. 

  MOUJAN: Shut up, it's on the sheet. Shut up, it's on the sheet. I'll do an example. [cat meowing] Okay, one, two, three: 

  [audience meowing] 

  SETH: Okay, Shane, just email that to Moujan. 

  ALDEN: That's pretty sick if you ask me. 

  [audience laughing]