L08: Denise the Menace [LIVE at PODx]
The crew crash lands on the lush, domed planet Galantius where they are drawn into a dangerous game. Pleck does laundry. Dar reveals a shameful secret. AJ shoots the bees.
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Recorded on Saturday, June 1, 2019, at 10 AM local time, at the PodX podcast festival in Nashville, Tennessee.
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Season 3-era
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C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5. A huge thanks to you, our Maximum Fun supporters for making the show possible. The following is an exclusive, supporters only live episode recorded at PodX in Nashville, Tennessee.
ALDEN: Thank you so much for being here at PodX. We're very excited to have you. Yeah, you guys want to do a show?
[audience clapping]
NARRATOR: [music playing] It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist. And also a planet crusher… crusher. Now, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx… [music swells]
[intro music]
PLECK: Uh, hey, Bargie?
BARGIE: Yeah?
PLECK: [nervous] I really should’ve asked this before now, but um… is there a laundry room on the ship?
BARGIE: Yeah, it's called my hatch.
PLECK: What?
BARGIE: Just open it up and throw the clothes in.
PLECK: [laughing] No, no, no, I don't need to get rid of my clothes. I need to wash them.
C-53: Oh, well, you do need to get rid of your clothes.
PLECK: [laughing] Okay, fine, but ideally I would, I don't actually have replacements for them, so ideally I would just clean them and then wear them again.
BARGIE: I don't understand.
DAR: Guys, guys, you have to see this. AJ, come here.
AJ: What?
DAR: Show them what you just showed me.
AJ: Okay, watch this. [groaning]
PLECK: Whoa!
DAR: Yeah, he can dislocate both of his arms!
PLECK: [freaked out] Why would you DO that?
AJ: Huh? What?
PLECK: Put those back in!
AJ: Alright. [groaning]
C-53: Ooh, no, you shouldn’t be able to pull those back in like that… that’s not right…
PLECK: I have so many questions about how, how CLINTs…
AJ: I’ve got prehensile ligaments.
C-53: That’s TERRIFYING.
PLECK: What does that mean?
AJ: I can control my ligaments with my mind.
PLECK: [baffled] Why?!
AJ: Because, I mean, try to… Okay, put me in a hold, Papa.
DAR: Put him in a hold!
PLECK: I don't want to do… okay. [groaning] Alright, alright, wow. Your arm should not bend that direction.
AJ: And now it goes back in! [grunts]
C-53: AJ, are you worried that that's maybe doing some damage?
AJ: I mean, it clicks a lot, is that damage?
PLECK: Yeah… I think so.
C-53: [laughing] Just, like, flex your arm.
AJ: [grunts painfully]
PLECK: Yeah, oh, wow, yeah, that's a weird noise.
DAR: Ugh, it’s like a packaging that you're like, popping.
PLECK: AJ, I have to say, CLINTs are super soldiers, right?
AJ: The superest.
PLECK: Okay, how often does that training sort of come into play? Because honestly, I feel like in our dealings with CLINTs, they're very bad shots, and they die very quickly.
AJ: I've been trained in marksmanship, helmsmanship, penmanship.
C-53: Penmanship?
AJ: Yeah, I can write my name!
PLECK: That's not penmanship.
C-53: That’s not really what penmanship is.
AJ: But I was told that was penmanship.
PLECK: Okay.
AJ: And survival skills!
DAR: Okay, defend yourself against me!
AJ: [groaning in pain] Ow!
DAR: Oh, fun. You can dislocate his legs, too!
PLECK: Wait, can you?
AJ: I’m like one of those dolls where you pull the string at the top, and you can like… you know what I’m talking about?
PLECK: Yeah, I think so. Oh boy.
BARGIE: [interrupting] I thought about it, and I do understand what you're trying to say.
PLECK: Okay, thanks!
BARGIE: Alright, go to the second closet behind the other closet in that room.
PLECK: Okay…?
AJ: Oh, are you going to the laundry room?
BARGIE: [laughing] Yeah, it's called the laundry room.
PLECK: [upset] Bargie, you had a laundry room here this whole time?
BARGIE: Top of the line laundry.
AJ: Yeah, Papa. How do you think I get my armor so shiny?
PLECK: I don't know. I thought there was kind of like a coating that would make it…
AJ: That’s dumb. Why would there be that?
BARGIE: This laundry room has a history. You know, back in my heyday, all the top Holo actors used to come into my laundry room and wash themselves clean.
PLECK: [confused] They'd wash themselves in your laundry room?
BARGIE: All their sins, all the things they've done bad in their lives, they would just wash it all away.
AJ: Have you not heard of Bargie's laundry room?
BARGIE: Huge. It was a film.
AJ: It was a film!
PLECK: There's a film about your laundry room?
BARGIE: It was a documentary about all the holo actors and all the horrible things they’d done. I've had murderers go back into the laundry room, come out innocent.
C-53: [laughs]
DAR: C, what are the odds of us getting a clip from that documentary?
C-53: [hesitant] Uh… Probably not great.
BARGIE: I have it! Here we go!
DAR: There we go.
[Bargie plays the clip]
RECORDED CRIMINAL: Going in evil. [washing up]
BARGIE: That was it! Wow!
PLECK: That feels like the first scene in the documentary.
BARGIE: Wow!
PLECK: Alright. Interesting.
[communicator chimes]
C-53: Papa Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.
PLECK: Great.
NERMUT: [excited] Hey guys!
PLECK: Hey, Nermut! What's up, man?
NERMUT: Oh, man, I'm… I'm gonna turn my camera. Can you see, um, you see all the Zimas, they're skinny dipping?
PLECK: Why would you show us that, Nermut.
NERMUT: Well, they're not ashamed.
DAR: [hornily] Thank you, Nermut!
NERMUT: And let me just, I'm gonna pull back. I'm not ashamed either, so I'm just gonna strip down here. [grunting]
PLECK: And why did you call us for this?
C-53: Why would you ring in with this information?
NERMUT: Well, if you are not afraid of your naked form, you can't really prove that, unless people are looking at it.
[beat]
CREW: What?
NERMUT: Well, I am very… I'm comfortable with my nude body now that I've kind of, like, soaked up the Zima Prime vibe, but, like, it's hard to really show that unless I'm, you know, shaking my… my num, here. [singing] Shake that num!
BLANC: Looking great! Looking great.
KIARONDO: Join us, Nermut!
NERMUT: That's, that's Blanc! Master Blanc!
PLECK: Nermut. You could, you could just tell us about this later, or not tell us about this later. I really, I… Is there a mission or something?
KIARONDO: Chosen Pleck Decksetter, are you uncomfortable with the idea of nudity?
NERMUT: Kiarondo asks a very good question.
AJ: [whispered] Hey guys, is it just me or are all those balls super saggy? What's with that?
PLECK: [disapproving] AJ…
AJ: What? I’m just saying! Everyone's thinking it!
KIARONDO: AJ, do you judge my nude body? AJ?
AJ: Uh…
NERMUT: I mean, you could…. Another framing is Master Kiarondo is the chosen one of the big… the sag sack.
PLECK: Okay.
KIARONDO: That’s not what I’m… I’m not chosen for that.
PLECK: Nermut, is there a mission?
NERMUT: Yes. So here we go. You know, like, in addition to the like, the bigger "we need to take down the Emperor thing," we're also, like, pretty worried about the environment?
PLECK: The environment of what planet, Nermut?
NERMUT: Every planet! But okay, so you guys are going to a planet called Galantius.
PLECK: [confused] Galantius?
NERMUT: I called you because, like, you're not far from this planet. We've picked up, like, some signals of an eco preserve there, and we feel like the technology in this eco preserve could be extremely applicable to just like sustainability on every planet.
PLECK:: Yeah, okay, sure.
AJ: Let’s do this! Sustainability! [charges blaster]
PLECK: Okay, AJ, wow, we definitely won't need your gun to visit an ecological preserve!
AJ: I don't know. What if there’s trash? [shouts] Let’s do this! [charges blaster]
PLECK: [annoyed] You can’t shoot trash! You can't shoot… it just makes it two pieces of trash!
AJ: You know what, Dar? Let’s take out this trash.
DAR: [entranced] I'm sorry. I'm just so busy watching the Zimas playing hacky sack nude behind Nermut.
PLECK: Yeah. Nermut, I think next time you want to call with this information, you should just call Dar directly, because I think Dar is the one that wants to know this.
NERMUT: Okay, Dar’s in charge.
C-53: Dar’s in charge of our days and our nights.
PLECK: I don't like what's happening.
AJ: Dar’s in charge of our wrongs and our rights.
PLECK: Okay, yeah.
NERMUT: And guys, just remember, like, you know, I was talking to the Zimas here, and like, your… your secondary mission now is to just keep it chill.
[Bargie’s alarms begin playing]
BARGIE: I’m crashing! This is a bad time to say I'm crashing!
C-53: What? Bargie, what?
NERMUT: What?!
BARGIE: And not, like, emotionally, but like, physically I'm crashing.
AJ: Whoa!
PLECK: [worried] Bargie, what do you mean you're crashing?
BARGIE: I don't know. Sometimes you have good days and other days you're crashing.
PLECK: What?! Wait, Bargie, what is wrong? C-53, can you run a diagnostic or something.
C-53: Yeah, here, let me just take a look at some of these… Yeah, we’re… definitely crashing. We lost ALL fuel pressure.
DAR: Wait, why is there… there’s soap! Did someone… PLECK!
AJ: Oh wait, there’s soap!
DAR: Pleck. Pleck.
PLECK: What?
DAR: [angry] Do you not know HOW to use a washing machine?
PLECK: I… What do you mean?
DAR: There's soap all over the floor!
PLECK: [nervous] I thought that there was… Okay! I just, I didn't know I pulled there was a big crank… Bargie, is your fuel release— Is your fuel ejection valve right next to..
BARGIE: Okay, wow, that's a personal question.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: [upset] OBVIOUSLY the fuel ejection valve is in the laundry room, everyone knows that's where they go, Pleck!
PLECK: Okay!
NERMUT: Guys, guys, I am going to have a Zima rescue team sent immediately, as soon as this nude swimming thing is over.
C-53: Nermut!
PLECK: Nermut, okay, you've been very unhelpful. Thank you. We'll talk to you later.
BARGIE: You guys are way too chill for the fact that I'm crashing right now.
PLECK: Okay, alright. Alright. Bargie, can you make a safe landing? Or…
BARGIE: I don't know, let's see what happens.
PLECK: Okay, okay, alright.
[transition]
BARGIE: To answer your question, no.
CREW: [groaning]
AJ: My arms are dislocated! And my legs, somebody help me!
DAR: Alright, here, we're just gonna do one of these. Pull you….
C-53: I’m gonna hold hands Dar, and then you…
DAR: Just pull.
DAR AND C-53: [straining]
AJ: Oh!
DAR: [shudders] The sounds that made…
C-53: Etched into my memory.
PLECK: Dar, I just want to say thank you. You… your body cushioned the fall, and I will never— You saved my life. I think.
DAR: I didn't do it on purpose.
PLECK: Okay, you didn't have to admit that. Alright. Well, listen, you know, it sounds like there's somebody on the way, but let's go. Let's go check out this planet.
[Bargie’s hatch opens and the crew exits]
DAR: Wow!
C-53: Wow, it is vast out here.
AJ: You guys see any trash? [charges blaster]
PLECK: [laughing] No! AJ, we're not shooting the trash.
C-53: AJ, put that down for a sec. I mean, it’s very… I think it's fair to say it's quite lush up here.
PLECK: Yeah, this is a beautiful planet. This is the ecological preserve Nermut was talking about.
C-53: Oh, I see. We've crashed through the glass biodome.
PLECK: Oh boy, that's probably..
C-53: Not great.
DAR: Not gonna make many fans that way.
BARGIE: [shouting] Hey, I’m just gonna stay here while you guys figure things out, I guess!
PLECK: Thank you, Bargie.
C-53: Yeah, sorry, Barge.
PLECK: Listen, maybe we can—
DAR: We should head towards that castle on top of the hill.
PLECK: I mean, if we could find any, if we can find anyone who has any ship repair experience or some parts—
C-53: Well, they’ve got… I can see at the top of that castle there’s like a giant glowing Holoscreen of some kind, so probably they’ve got some kind of technology repair over there.
PLECK: Yeah, I guess let's make our way down.
AJ: Oh, yeah.
[Crew begins to make their way down]
DENISE: Oh hello!
CREW: [gasps]
DENISE: It looks like I have four friends today.
CREW: Uh….
PLECK: Yeah… Hey, listen, I apologize for, you know, what we did to your dome. Listen, we're the crew of a ship that crashed on your planet. Do you have a way of contacting anyone to come help?
DENISE: [menacing laughter]
AJ: Oh, what’s funny?
C-53: That’s a weird answer to that question.
AJ: [nervous laughter]
C-53: We might wanna just walk away from this one.
PLECK: [tired] You know what? Actually—
DAR: We're gonna find someone else who lives here.
DENISE: [suddenly distorted] Oh, you cannot walk away, for I'm everywhere.
AJ: Oh, they’re in the screens!
DENISE: Welcome to my planet! My planet… of games and fun! Where the only way to win is to fight one another! [laughs]
PLECK: Uh… Uh, very, very succinct premise.
C-53: [laughing] Yeah, sometimes not quite so clear.
AJ: [laughing] Yeah, thanks for that!
PLECK: Listen, we're not here to fight or, you know, make any—
AJ: [shouting] Let’s do this!
PLECK: AJ, don't lean in right now. Listen, I don't know who you are or what you want—
DENISE: Ah! My backstory. You're interested, aren't you? Ask me any question you like, personal or not, I'm ready and open as a book!
DAR: Can we leave?
DENISE: No.
AJ: What's so funny? What's so funny?
DENISE: Nope.
C-53: Why are you making us do this?
DENISE: [slowly] Because the greatest game of all is you!
PLECK: [baffled] What?
DAR: [disbelief] The greatest game of all is you—
AJ: [excited] Is YOU. Yes! You guys don’t get it?
PLECK: AJ, what? Why are you into this? First of all—
AJ: [deliberate] Think about it, the greatest game… is you.
PLECK: What is that? What does that mean?
C-53: AJ, this sounds like something that would be on the bottom of a box of Karn Loops, there’s not any profound wisdom.
DENISE: There will be two to 15 rounds, depending on time!
C-53: [laughing] That’s a big swing!
PLECK: I’m sorry, I’m sorry—
DENISE: —you will each be given a weapon.
DAR: [excited] Ooh, we get weapons?
AJ: Oh, yeah!
DENISE: They are underneath the branch that is directly behind you! Pick it up!
PLECK: Okay?
DAR: I mean, it looks like a frisbee, how is this a weapon? I don't—
DENISE: I’ve given you all frisbees!
PLECK: I don’t… Okay.
C-53: Oh but, yeah, if you press the center here
[frisbee crackles with energy]
PLECK: [worried] Oh, oh, do not point that at me!
C-53: Well, this is a combat frisbee, Pleck.
PLECK: A combat Frisbee?!
C-53: You're not familiar?
PLECK: No.
C-53: Okay, let me just give a quick toss here.
[C-53 throws the frisbee and it slices through the landscape]
PLECK: Ah wow, just chopped that tree down. Right down.
C-53: Pretty good.
PLECK: Great. Listen, guys, I don't know if I want to really play whatever this is.
[Alarms begin blaring]
DENISE: Round one.
DAR: [excited] Ooh! Okay, it’s starting!
AJ: [confused] Do we fight each other, or do we scatter? What do we do?
DAR: I think first we have to take to the trees.
AJ: What?
DAR: Yeah, if we're gonna live, you all have to climb all these trees.
PLECK: Whoa, Dar!
DAR: [annoyed] Why aren't you climbing the trees?
PLECK: I can't climb a tree like that!
AJ: Papa, don't admit that. That's weird.
C-53: AJ, Pleck, I hate to leave you on this. But just as a reminder, I am in the Midnight Shadow and it does have a stealth mode, so…
PLECK: Uh…
[C-53 disappears]
AJ: Where’s he go?!
PLECK: Listen. AJ, I don't know what is happening right now, but I'm glad you're here to protect me.
AJ: Survival time, Papa.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah, good. Okay.
AJ: Why don’t we put paint on my helmet? Like, mud, but, you know—
PLECK: I don't know if that's necessary.
AJ: [grimly] I’m putting it on. This is serious. It's the greatest game. You.
PLECK: What— Can you describe what you think that means?
AJ: If I have to describe it, you don't get it.
PLECK: Fine.
DENISE: Alright, sorry, I feel like you may need more of an explanation!
[audience laughter]
PLECK: Thank you.
DENISE: So this is a game where you’re all against each other, and the winner of it is the only one alive!
PLECK: Okay.
DENISE: And I plan on my birthday once a year!
PLECK: Today is your birthday?
DENISE: Yes.
PLECK: [annoyed] Okay.
AJ: Oh, happy birthday!
DENISE: Thank you.
PLECK: [upset] AJ! Stop!
C-53: I’m just gonna come out of stealth mode for a quick second, can we go back to the questions?
DENISE: Yes.
C-53: Okay, great. Happy birthday.
DENISE: [flustered] Thank you so much.
PLECK: C-53, this person is an evil—
DENISE: Someone won round one!
C-53: [surprised] Whoa!
PLECK: Okay, alright, okay, listen when you say we have to fight each other—
C-53: How many—
PLECK: Yeah, who else is here?
DENISE: Introduce yourselves!
OLD MAN: Aiieee….
PLECK: [surprised yelp]
OLD MAN: I’ve been playing the game for thirty three years!
AJ: Do you still think it's the greatest game, or has it kind of lost its luster?
OLD MAN: I am the greatest game!
AJ: See, Papa, I don't understand how much more clear we can be.
PLECK: Okay, listen, we're— we mean you no harm.
OLD MAN: Are we in play right now?
AJ: Yeah.
C-53: Yeah.
AJ: [panicked] Whoa, it's coming at me!
PLECK: Oh no!
AJ: Let’s do this! Come on, let’s do this! [fighting sounds] Snap!
OLD MAN: Neck snap.
PLECK: [panicking] AJ! You just killed that old man!
AJ: [regretting] Uh… Okay, wait, sorry, let me snap back.
PLECK: No, I don't think it works like th— Oh no.
C-53: It doesn’t snap back, AJ.
AJ: Are you okay? Old guy?
PLECK: No, AJ.
AJ: [mocking] You okay?
PLECK: You killed that guy—
DENISE: Round two winner!
PLECK: Oh! No!
AJ: Oh, I won!
DENISE: The next round is a round of bees!
AJ: A round… It's a riddle, Papa!
PLECK: No… I don't think it is.
AJ: C-53, do you know how to… What is a round of bees?
C-53: I think it's a round where she's just gonna release wild bees.
ANNOUNCER Hives opening in three…. zero. Open!
C-53: [laughing] Three zero?
BEES: [buzzing] Hi there! Hi there!
AJ AND PLECK: [panicking]
C-53: Well, alright, AJ, Pleck, you can just stand behind me. A bee isn’t gonna do a whole heck of a lot.
BEES: [buzzing]
PLECK: Also, this dome is pretty big. There was like… 15 bees?
C-53: Yeah, a few of them were just pollinating.
BEE: Never forget camp!
C-53: What?
PLECK: No, that bee’s saying never forget camp, don’t forget camp.
DENISE: That was a deep cut.
PLECK: That was a deep cut, bee.
DENISE: You won again!
AJ: Wait, the bee won a round?
DENISE: The bee won!
C-53: [upset] Listen, Game Master, I don't understand who we were even competing against in each round of his game! I need a better defined rule structure.
AJ: Okay, let's recap. So, first round, Mr. Robot Man, you won for wishing the Game Master happy birthday. Second round, I won for brutally snapping that guy's neck. Third round, the bee won—
PLECK: …for never forgetting camp.
C-53: I just, the goal of each round. I—
PLECK: Yeah, Game Master, are each of these rounds connected? Are they leading up to something?
[Denise exits her room above the action]
DENISE: [glumly] Alright, here I am. I'm sorry I… [crying] It's hard making a game!
C-53: Oh, we’re sorry, we didn’t mean to—
DENISE: [sobbing]—there’s like so many rules and like so much pressure, because, like all of my other evil friends, like they're so good at this and it's so hard! And it’s my BIRTHDAY!
CREW: [sympathetic] Oh…
DENISE: -and none of my friends showed up and I waited for seven days!
AJ: Wait, so is today your birthday?
DENISE: No, I mean like, observed.
AJ: [disgusted] Oh,,, you're one of those people, that…
PLECK: Listen, Game Master. What is your name?
DENISE: [quavering] Denise.
PLECK: Oh, Denise, listen, you know, I don't want to tell you how to run your game, but like, what if it was just, hey, these people crash landed on my planet. I'm gonna pit them to the death and the last man standing gets to go free!
C-53: [stop talking voice] What?
[Denise enters her control tower and alarms begin blaring]
DENISE: Excellent idea!
C-53: WHY?!
PLECK: Oh no!
C-53: You IDIOT!
[AJ and Pleck run off]
AJ: [breathless] Papa, I'll kill the rest of them, and then you can strangle me, and you can win, how’s that?
PLECK: [laughing] I don’t want you to do that, AJ!
AJ: I want you to win! The greatest game is you. I didn't think it was me1 I thought it was you.
PLECK: [slowly] AJ, that's really nice.
AJ: Don’t touch me, let’s keep moving!
PLECK: [breathless]
CREATURE: [tiny voice] Help! Help!
PLECK: Uh… hello?
CREATURE: Over here! Can you help me?
PLECK: Yes, sure, we'll help you!
CREATURE: Over here, underneath the leaves!
AJ: Oh.
CREATURE: I tried to camouflage myself and I think I’ve eaten something I shouldn’t have…
AJ: Was it hot garfon?
CREATURE: That was a mishap earlier.
AJ: Yeah.
PLECK: Listen, can we maybe, if we band together, we can, we can help each other out. What can we do? Are you feeling okay? Do you need something?
CREATURE: If you can just pull me out from under these leaves…
AJ: Yeah. [whispering] Papa, I’m gonna snap its neck.
CREATURE: If you could hold my little tiny hand…
PLECK: Okay, yes, sure.
CREATURE: Trust me…. [grabs Pleck] SUCKER!
PLECK: [screaming]
AJ: It was a tiny thing attached to a big thing! Classic. Classic misdirect.
CREATURE: [opens its gaping maw]
PLECK: [panicked] Look at its mouth! It's enormous!
AJ: Alright, I didn't think I’d need to use this. I gotta pass my butt gun.
PLECK: Do not, AJ, keep the gun in your butt. We can— We can.
AJ: Just for everybody to know, I have a gun up my butt.
DAR: [up above] Go back to what you were saying before?
AJ: I have to pass it.
PLECK: Dar, Dar, did you just come out from the trees—
DAR: Sorry, sorry, I’m up in the trees and you know how much I love to watch this!
AJ: Dar, you have to help us. This creature is about to eat us!
C-53: Yeah, here I'm coming out of stealth mode, are you about to pass it?
AJ: A little help here? There’s a giant monster about to eat us.
C-53: Listen, I’ll throw the death frisbee when I'm ready.
CREATURE: You're lucky I'm fascinated by the concept of a butt gun!
DAR: I mean, it’s fascinating—
AJ: I don’t get it! I was genetically bred to be a soldier. So one of those things is they made my intestine longer and wider so I could fit a gun up there for situations just like this!
CREATURE: [amazed] Wow, it's coming out handle first.
C-53: So why don’t you pass it already?
AJ: [upset] I can't do it while everyone's watching!
C-53: Well, it seems like if it was for situations just like this you’d need to be able to pass it whenever you want?
AJ: Well, I thought I’d be able to go to the bathroom or something.
C-53: Okay, alright.
CREATURE: I mean, I’ll wait.
AJ: Alright, I'm just gonna go behind this tree.
C-53: Hey, monster… That’s a rude way to… I’m sorry, it’s just a high stress situation. Sorry.
CREATURE: Oddly, that's, no, that is my given name, but in my language it translates to Dave.
C-53: Oh? So should I call you Dave or monster?
CREATURE: Either way—
[AJ ejects his butt gun and fires into Dave]
C-53: AJ! AJ!
PLECK: Oh! That monster was—
CREATURE: Stinky death… [death rattle]
AJ: I did it! What…
DAR: Oh, everybody scatter!
CREW: [runs away]
[Alarm blares]
DENISE: Checking in.
AJ: Oh, hey.
PLECK: Hey, Game Master, how many other people are on this planet besides the four of us?
DENISE: Just you!
PLECK: We've met two other people and murdered them.
AJ: Do you count the bees?
PLECK: We didn't kill the bees.
AJ: Oh, yeah.
DENISE: Just you and the secrets you've been keeping from one another! Release them now.
C-53: Release our… secrets?
DAR: I have been living with one really big secret.
PLECK: [worried] Really?
DAR: Yeah.
AJ: What?
DAR: I don't really like hot garfon.
PLECK: [hurt] Wow!
C-53: Dar, that is a—
DAR: I don’t care for it. Too spicy.
PLECK: It's a regional delicacy.
DAR: Listen—
C-53: That's a bold claim to say here!
DAR: It’s hotter on the way out than it is on the way in.
C-53: I mean, famously.
PLECK: Wow. Good secret. Dar.
DAR: [jumping] Alright, back into the trees!
AJ: There they go.
C-53: Are we all… giving up a secret? That’s how we win this round?
PLECK: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Game Master, I'm sorry. I hate to interrupt this secret thing, but I really just think, if you want to simplify this game…
DENISE: [crying] Oh man, I messed up again, didn’t I!
PLECK: What about, like, a time limit, what about like you have three minutes to murder everyone! And then it’s just—
DENISE: Great! Okay, yeah yeah yeah!
AJ: [shouting] PAPA!
PLECK: [panicked] WHY DID I DO THAT?!
DENISE: Timer… ON.
CREW: [running off]
AJ: [breathless] Dar’s somewhere up there. I don't know where the robot is, the bees, the bees, I think, are still a rogue element. I think they're gonna… they’re around. Once they get off the camp thing. We only have a few more minutes. Okay. Why am I by myself now? …Papa? [singing nervously] Papa, can you hear me? Okay, wow, I'm alone with my… thoughts.
BEE: [buzzing]
AJ: Okay, A round of bees, alright. [charges blaster] Let’s do this, bees! [fires into bees] Okay, I passed the biggest test. A bunch of bees.
PLECK: [breathless] Okay, I think I'm… I think I'm alone now. Okay, you know what? The Space will guide me. [draws woodsaber and takes a deep breath] Just meditate on the Space. Remember…
[Pleck bangs into C-53]
C-53: Ow! Pleck, you just walked into me!
PLECK: C-53! Sorry, you were stealthed. I didn't know you were there.
C-53: Yeah, how did you know I was here?
PLECK: I didn't. I was just following.,, I was trying to let the Space guide me to a safe place!
C-53: You stepped full speed into my body!
PLECK: Listen, C-53 I don't want to kill you.
C-53: I don't want to kill you either, Pleck, but we're on some weird—
PLECK: [worried] Did you say "but" after "I don't want to kill you either?"
C-53: I’m just saying, if we're ever gonna get out of this game world, we gotta start thinking realistically.
PLECK: [laughing] To get out of the game, one of us needs to die. Three of us need to die!
DENISE: [monotonous] It's raining machetes, raining machetes, machetes, machetes.
PLECK: [disbelief] Raining machetes?
C-53: [strained] Dodging the machetes!
PLECK: [screaming]
C-53: Listen, Pleck, there's a very real chance all four of us can die. You know what I mean?
PLECK: [screaming and waving his woodsaber] I can't hit any of these machetes!
C-53: Are you trying to hit them?
PLECK: I'm trying to avoid them. And if I happen to hit one, that's good, yeah?
C-53: Is it?
PLECK: Well, I haven't hit one yet, but if I do, then… bonus!
AJ: What?
PLECK: Huh?
AJ: What happened? There were machetes?
DAR: Yeah, the things that are sticking into your suit right now.
AJ: Oh…
DAR: Those are machetes.
AJ: Is that the pain that I feel right now?
C-53: Yeah, AJ, you get one just going through your arm.
AJ: [screaming as he pulls it out] Ugh, it’s like hot garfon! It feels worse coming out than going in!
PLECK: AJ, are you okay?
AJ: I'm alright. I'm alright. Don't worry about me. We're all together. I guess we should kill each other now, right?
C-53: Hey, so what happens if we just refuse to kill each other?
[alarm blares]
AJ: Denise, are you there?
DENISE: [sheepish] I didn’t… I didn’t think about that part.
AJ: Yeah, we don't want to—
C-53: Denise, I guess if you pit strangers against each other, they might attack each other but we know each other. We're friends.
PLECK: Yeah, and even strangers. I like to think most people don't want to just murder everyone.
AJ: I’d take them out. I took out the bees.
DAR: I mean, AJ might, but…
C-53: [darkly] Oh, if I was up against strangers they’d be GONE.
DAR: Denise. Denise, why don't you just come out from whatever tech booth you're operating in, so we can all just talk face to face?
[Denise slowly walks in]
DENISE: [nervous] Hi. This is me.
AJ: Oh, hey Denise!
C-53: Happy birthday.
DENISE: Thank you.
AJ: Do you want us, to just like, hang out, like, be with you on your birthday?
DENISE: Yeah, that would be nice.
C-53: Denise, you know, there's a lot of safe games that you can play at a birthday party that don't involve, like—
PLECK: Murder.
C-53: —ritualized combat.
PLECK: And also, Denise, you know, you spent all this time trying to think of the greatest game, but what if the greatest game… is you?
AJ: [realizing] Oh…
PLECK: And the people you care about, hanging out and maybe like a party game!
DENISE: [tearing up] No one's ever said that to me before. That's… Wow, rosh golly, that's so nice!
PLECK: Yeah!
DENISE: My whole life I've just been like an evil person from an evil family, and all my friends are evil, but maybe I don't have to be!
PLECK: All your friends are evil? Do you get along?
DENISE: No, but we're friends!
PLECK: That's not what friends are. Yeah, no, see, you know, when we came to this planet, we're friends. You tried to pit us against each other. We… we kept sort of meeting up and kind of, you know, protecting each other.
AJ: There were a lot of hijinks. It was fun.
PLECK: There were some hijinks, sure. But ultimately, you know, we stuck together because that's what friendship is, you know?
DAR: Yeah, Denise come here, let’s have a hug.
DENISE: [nervous] Ooh, touching, okay?
DAR: Come on.
AJ: Yeah… I have a machete sticking out.
C-53: Yeah, AJ, maybe take that machete out.
AJ: [straining]
DAR: Yeah…. Yeah… SNAP!
PLECK: [horrified] Dar! Dar!
AJ: Oh, whoa…
C-53: Dar…
PLECK: And on her birthday.
DAR: Observed. Birthday observed.
PLECK: Okay, fair enough, sure.
AJ: [muttering] Yeah, she was a birthday week person. I'm okay with it.
DENISE: Unsnap. Unsnap.
CREW: Whoa!
DENISE: You have won the game!
DAR: Who has won the game?
DENISE: You all did. The game was to see if people will go to a strange planet and murder the creator of the game!
AJ: [excited] It’s all so clear! The greatest game is you, right? Doesn’t that make sense?
PLECK: AJ… we've interpreted that phrase like six different ways, and none of them has really made a lot of sense.
AJ: Well, one of my skills I learned as a CLINT was dramatic interpretation.
PLECK: That was the fifth skill?
AJ: Mmhmm! Survival, penmanship, helmsmanship, marksmanship and dramatic interpretation.
C-53: They got a pretty full curriculum over at that institute!
[transition, audience applauds]
PLECK: Listen Nermut…
NERMUT: Yeah?
PLECK: That was a pretty harrowing experience…. I really wish you had, I think if you're gonna be you know, in charge there on Zima Prime, you got to get a better system for sending out help, because things got pretty dire there for a little while, Nermut.
NERMUT: No, they are honestly almost ready to come rescue you guys.
PLECK: [angry] We're already back in space!
NERMUT: Well, that’s sort of mission accomplished then!
PLECK: NO!
C-53: No, that’s not…
NERMUT: Can I ask, Bargie? How did you… how did you get repaired?
BARGIE AND C-53: [talking over each other]
C-53: Oh, go ahead Bargie.
BARGIE: Nah, it’s alright, we’ll say it together.
NERMUT: Perfect.
BARGIE AND C-53: Bees.
PLECK: Yeah, the bees fixed the ship. The bees fixed the ship.
C-53: Yeah, they're very knowledgeable about technology, yeah.
PLECK: Well, listen, Nermut, hey, thanks… for nothing, honestly, but, um.
NERMUT: You're welcome.
PLECK: I'm very, you know, after being on that jungle planet, I’m pretty dirty. I'm gonna, I'm gonna do, do some laundry, and we'll call you later, alright?
DAR: I love to watch him walk away.
PLECK: Just gonna pull this laundry crank.
C-53: [frantic] Wait, wait, Pleck, Pleck, Pleck!
[Bargie’s alarm starts blaring and the crew freaks out]
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attribution droid, commencing outro protocol. Papa Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. AJ was played by Winston Noel. Denise, the Game Master and Bargie the ship were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. The monster Dave and Nermut Bundaloy were played by Seth Lind. The old man who'd been playing the game for 33 years and Dar played by Allie Kokesh. Sound designed and mixed by Shane O'Connell. A big thank you to PodX and our audience here today!
ALDEN: Thank you so much. Have a great day!
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