L11: Blue is the Coldest Father [Live at Pod UK! ft. Matt Young]
AJ’s life is thrown into disarray when the crew receives a mysterious shipment. Nermut and Dar get down to business. Pleck tries not to make waves. Originally recorded as a livestream performance for PodUK, then edited and sound designed.
The original, unedited livestream is available to watch on our YouTube channel.
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Streamed live on 30 May 2020
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Season 4 era
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C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5. Thank you for supporting Maximum Fun. This is a brand new MaxFunDrive bonus episode of Mission to Zyxx featuring amazing returning guest Matt Young. If you're new to the show and like what you hear, you can find all our episodes at MissionToZyxx.space, or on your favorite podcast app.
NARRATOR: [intriguing music backing] It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course the colossal Allwheat. [music cuts] Which looks like a bad dream, but, you know, bigger. [uptempo music resumes] Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx!
[opening music swells]
[Horsehat is wandering around babbling as Dar flips through papers]
PLECK: Hey, Dar?
DAR: Uh, yeah? What's up?
PLECK: How's Horsehat doing with the, uh, solid foods?
[Horsehat tries to chew on a chair]
DAR: Oh, wow. I mean, try and tell Horsehat not to eat something. [quietly] Because I have tried, and I don't actually think Horsehat thinks I'm being serious.
PLECK: Oh.
BARGIE: Hey, Dar?
DAR: Yeah, Barge?
BARGIE: Uh, can you tell Horsehat to stop eating the chairs inside of me?
DAR: [standing up] No, and I have tried.
PLECK: Yeah, that's actually what I was trying to get at, Dar. I was kind of trying to be subtle about it. My room, I used to sleep on those cardboard boxes, and there's... I just wanted to see if maybe it might have been Horsehat.
[Horsehat whines and runs out of the room]
PLECK: I don't want to point any fingers, but...
DAR: Oh, it definitely was.
PLECK: Oh, okay.
DAR: Oh yeah. No, no, Horsehat loves a cardboard box.
[Dar turns on a mobile and music for Horsehat]
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: Captain Dar.
DAR: Yes, C?
C-53: Uh, sorry, I know you're sort of getting, uh, a lot of attention right now, but, uh...
DAR: [irritated] Yeah, it's coming at me from every direction. What's up?
C-53: Yes, uh, heavy is the hand that wears the captain's hat. Uh…
DAR: [laughs nervously] And the lapels.
C-53: The, uh, this package here?
[C-53’s loader frame lifts a heavy box]
DAR: Oh, yeah.
C-53: What is this?
DAR: I'm sorry, did Horsehat eat the package?
C-53: No, no. It only just arrived. It’s just very large, and I thought this is maybe a crew wide matter, so I wanted to bring it to your attention.
DAR: Oh, um... Oof, I'm a little behind on checking deliveries in, so, uh... Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's, uh... Let's jump to that thing on my to-do list! [laughs] Let's just...
PLECK: Yeah, this package is enormous.
C-53: Yeah, this is… very large.
PLECK: Did any of us order something, like a…
[knocking noises]
PLECK: Uh…
BARGIE: Oh, I think that's coming from inside the package.
DAR: I didn't...
PACKAGE: Can someone open this package, please?
DAR: I didn't order a talking package! Did anyone order a talking package?
PLECK: Uh, no.
AJ: Sounds great.
C-53: AJ, did you order this?
AJ: No, I wish I did, though, because it talks.
PACKAGE: Yeah, I wish I'd ordered it, too.
PLECK: Uh... Okay.
C-53: The package wishes it order– We gotta open this up.
[C-53 walks over and crushes the package in twain]
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: Let's see what I got.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
DAR: Yep, you're in.
PLECK: C-53, this is what you were made to do.
C-53: Yeah. Yeah, it feels pretty good. [exhales]
PLECK: Whoa.
C-53: That is…
AJ: Oh my Rodd.
PLECK: It's just a... It's just a big tube of blue liquid?
[Pleck knocks on the side of the tube, it makes gelatinous bubbling sounds]
AJ: That's right.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [speaking as if underwater] Yeah, not just a tube of blue liquid.
DAR: Oh, it's a talking tube of blue liquid.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Yeah, what else would I do?
AJ: [astonishes] Oh my Rodd. You guys, it's my tube of blue liquid. It's my tube of blue liquid.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Yeah!
PLECK: AJ, this is the tube you were cloned inside of?
AJ: I think so.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Yeah. Yeah, I'm AJ's dad.
C-53: Oh.
BARGIE: [butting in] Hold on, I don't know this backstory. Could you explain it to me?
PLECK: [laughing] Uh, Bargie…
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Well, I can explain it.
PLECK: Okay.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: When tubes of blue liquid fall in love, there's a process by which they… procreate their species and sometimes we create, you know, a CLINT like AJ here.
C-53: I’m not sure that’s 100% correct.
AJ: [upset] Yeah, that's right. And, you know, sometimes you leave, you know? Sometimes you eject your CLINT out into the world and you're just like, whatever. You don't send cards, you don't send anything.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Well, you know, I try to stay in touch, but I'm busy with, you know, dad stuff, you know? I got a...
AJ: [worried] Like what?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Well, I got a shop where I, you know, make different liquids.
AJ: Uh-huh.
PLECK: Different liquids?
AJ: Like, the liquid shop is...
C-53: Different colors of liquid?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Yeah. Yeah, they're all blue.
BARGIE: Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Ship clarification time. AJ, this is your daddy.
[AJ paces]
AJ: I think so. I've been writing him letters. I'm doing some transmissions and I've been sending them to Tube of Blue Liquid. Care of Janelle Fitzmeyer.
PLECK: You know, AJ...
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Yeah, Miss Janelle. I know Miss Janelle.
AJ: Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course. [runs up] She was really around. She was actually my Tube of Blue Liquid. Not you! Not you!
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Come on! Come on!
PLECK: No. No, AJ, I think actually this is literally, this is obviously...
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Come on, get down on the ground!
AJ: [angrily] No, that's my thing. It’s MY thing!
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Where do you think you got it from?
[AJ runs off crying]
PLECK: No, AJ…
C-53: AJ, AJ…
AJ: [shouting] I'm going into the cargo bay. I can't deal with him right now!
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Gosh, I'm sorry, everybody. I just, you know, I got upset because, you know, I haven't seen my son in a long time and I'm just trying to do right by him and reconnect with him.
PLECK: You know, I gotta say, Tube, uh, you know, I guess I owe you an apology. I sort of thought this whole time...
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Sorry, my name is Tube of Blue Liquid.
PLECK: [apologetic] Oh, sorry, Tube of Blue Liquid.
C-53: So sorry. Our apologies.
PLECK: Probably shouldn’t have referred to you as–
DAR: Tube of Blue Liquid. We won't refer to you as Tube.
PLECK: Yeah.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Thank you.
PLECK: Listen, Tube of Blue Liquid, I guess I sort of assumed this whole time that AJ was kind of just, I guess, projecting these feelings onto an inanimate object, but you are a sentient being. This is a... Are you an AI? Is there a cube inside of you? I guess I don't really know how a Tube of Blue Liquid works.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Well, how does a pink Tellurian work?
PLECK: Uh…
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Pretty much however you work is probably how I work, too.
C-53: [doubting] Probably?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Yeah, probably! I'm not a scientist. I'm just a Tube of Blue Liquid trying to make my way in the world.
C-53: He’s just a tube.
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, that makes sense. That makes sense.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Who's that little guy skidding around? I like him.
PLECK: Oh, yeah, no, that's our boss, sort of, Nermut Bundaloy. Hey, Nermut, what's up?
[call reconnects]
NERMUT: Hey, guys, you left the transmitter on!
PLECK: Oh yeah.
NERMUT: I've been waving in the background. You didn't have the audio!
C-53: Oh, sh–Nermut, geez…
DAR: Sorry, Nermut, I skipped you on the to-do list and kind of shifted all focus to it.
NERMUT: We had this scheduled! I'm actually calling for Dar, not everybody.
PLECK: Oh.
BARGIE: Rude! Wow.
NERMUT: No, it's fine. Oh, what? AJ's tube is glowing?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Yeah, oh, yeah, sometimes I glow. Yeah, you know.
NERMUT: Wait, it used to just go [imitating tube] WHYYYYYyyy
PLECK: Yeah, Nermut, AJ's tube...
NERMUT: WHYYYY
C-53: You may have noticed this tube is much larger than the tube you're familiar with, this is…
PLECK: AJ has strong relationships with two tubes in his life. There's the novelty tube, which makes a sort of why noise. [Pleck rummages] Here it is. This is it.
TUBE: WHYYYYYY
PLECK: Yep, yep, yep, that's right. And then, obviously, there's this larger tube. Nermut, did you think this tube was the tube of blue liquid?
NERMUT: [sheepishly] No, I totally knew. I was testing you, whether you knew.
PLECK: Okay.
NERMUT: Yeah, and you passed. Good job.
PLECK: Dar, can you actually take this call with Nermut in your room or something? We're sort of in the middle of…
C-53: I feel like this thing with AJ…
[The package knocks again]
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Oh, yeah, sorry. There's another part of the box you gotta open.
PLECK: Really?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Yeah, it's a double box.
[C-53 smashes the box again]
PLECK: Oh, uh… okay.
[A woman picks herself out of the rubble]
SAMANTHA: Oh, well, this is nice.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Yeah, everyone, this is Samantha.
SAMANTHA: I'm Samantha.
C-53: Okay, this is just a Tellurian woman…
SAMANTHA: But my friends call me Mallory.
PLECK: Why do they call you... Is that your middle name?
SAMANTHA: Because sometimes I'm a Samantha, but most of the time, I'm a Mallory.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: She's got a Mallory vibe, for sure.
C-53: Uh, Tube of Blue Liquid, what is the connection there between you and Mallory? Why are you a two part…
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: We're not trying to put labels on it.
SAMANTHA: No.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: But, you know, she's basically AJ's stepmom.
SAMANTHA: [walking forward] Hi, AJ, I am your stepmom.
PLECK: I’m not actually AJ…
SAMANTHA: I can't wait until we have a heart to heart...
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: That's not AJ.
PLECK: You know what, I'm actually gonna go get AJ. Do you guys mind?
C-53: Sure. I can entertain Samantha or Mallory.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [whispering] Before you go get AJ, please, I gotta say one thing. You know, I haven't been the best dad, and I'm back here now because I want to make a connection with AJ. I need all of you. I need all his friends. I need Robot Guy, and Papa Pinky, and Captain Dar–
PLECK: Right on.
DAR: Remembered, remembered.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: –and Lizard Guy, and Bargie. We need all of you guys.
BARGIE: I’m asleep!
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Bargie's asleep! That's okay. I need everyone else to kind of pitch in and help me connect with my son again. Can you help me connect with my son again?
PLECK: I me–
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [quickly] For no nefarious purpose whatsoever.
PLECK: Wait, I was just about to agree. Why would you say that?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: To make it that much clearer.
PLECK: All right, all right.
C-53: Yeah, no, we'd be happy to.
PLECK: Okay. You know, Tube of Blue Liquid, I'll do what I can. But I just want to say, you know, AJ talks about you a lot, and he really, you know, he's got a lot of conflicted feelings about his relationship with you.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [quietly] Well, you know, after AJ was born, there was another CLINT inside of me, AJ 2885.
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, statistically, thousands.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: And then AJ 2886.
PLECK: Sure, yeah.
C-53: Sure.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: 2887.
SAMANTHA: We've been going through a lot of couples therapy, and—
PLECK: [laughing] Wait, you guys go to couples therapy, but you don't want to put labels on your relationship?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [angrily] Yeah, well, they don't have a thing called, like, no labels therapy!
SAMANTHA: I know!
PLECK: [laughing] They do. I think it's just called therapy?
SAMANTHA: [offended gasp]
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Well, we've been going to couples therapy anyway.
PLECK: Okay, that’s fine.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [pissed] So I don't know what to tell you. We'll talk to our therapist about changing the name of it!
PLECK: Has your couples therapist said you should probably put a name to your relationship? You know what? [irritated] Okay, I'm starting to feel like maybe I understand why AJ has such weird feelings about this! You're sort of an unsavory kind of character, I think.
SAMANTHA: Wow.
C-53: Pleck, we've only just met these two, it’s not…
PLECK: You're right.
DAR: [realizing, strolling off] I'm sorry. I have to excuse myself. I have Nermut still on hold.
PLECK: Oh, right. Sorry.
DAR; [unmutes Nermut]
NERMUT: And so that's what I was saying earlier about the redactions that you did in the document. What's that? Were you listening to me?
[door slides open to Horsehat playing]
DAR: No. I'll be honest, no.
NERMUT: [offended] I've been talking the whole time!
DAR: I'm sure. And listen, I know I'm the one that scheduled this meeting, but I double-booked myself.
NERMUT: Yeah. Well, that actually has been addressed. My lawyers put Schedule A here, which ironically is about scheduling.
HORSEHAT: [gurgles and devours the paper]
DAR: I just, I'm going to have to bring up the digital copy because Horsehat ate the physical copy of the contract.
NERMUT: Oh, wow. That's, um, not food.
[transition]
[Pleck slowly walks up to AJ]
PLECK: AJ, hey, listen.
AJ: [mad] What? What?
PLECK: Just calm down. Calm down, AJ.
AJ: No, you calm down!
PLECK: I’m pretty cal-
AJ: [shouting] My Tube of Blue Liquid just shows up out of nowhere. Has that ever happened to you?
PLECK: No, no, it hasn't.
AJ: Has it?
PLECK: No, I mean, it happened to me just now, but it wasn't mine–
AJ: Has the Tube of Blue Liquid that you never heard anything from at all?
PLECK: No, I get it.
AJ: You know, no matter how much you talk to it, like, you didn't hear anything from it. And other people were like, are you sure it's even alive? And I was like, what?
PLECK: I did say that a couple times. Yeah. I'm sorry. Listen, AJ, I apologize, but, you know, it seems like the Tube of Blue Liquid really wants to forge some sort of connection with you. I think he feels bad about not being a very good parent to you.
AJ: Well, I mean…
PLECK: Can you tell me a little bit more about him? I always just kind of thought, I mean, stupidly, I always just thought he was just, you know, literally a piece of machinery in the cloning facility.
AJ: Right. [measuring] He's about like this tall.
PLECK: No, I, no.
AJ: Cylindrical.
PLECK: I mean, tell me about your relationship with, I know what he looks like. He's in the next room.
AJ: Well, I was inside of him.
PLECK: Uh-huh.
AJ: And…
PLECK: [interrupting] For like 15 seconds, right? Like, it doesn't take long to make a CLINT.
AJ: Well, I was a preemie. I was 12 seconds.
PLECK: [laughing] Wow. I'm so sorry. Was that a problem? Was that a problem?
AJ: No, I had to just dry for three more seconds. They had to go into the preemie unit where they just like have, like a dryer and they dry you out.
PLECK: Like a car wash? [laughs] Like at the end of the car wash?
AJ: What? No@ I was three seconds early. I'm just trying to picture it in my head. I was three seconds early. So I had to be kind of hung up and they was like [imitates dryer] oh, this big, like kind of blow dryer all over me just to like make sure everything's solidified!
PLECK: Uh-huh. And then a guy takes a towel to do one last pass.
AJ: [deeply hurt] No! Why would they do that?
PLECK: Oh, I don't know. I'm sorry.
[transition]
C-53: So, Tube of Blue Liquid…
SAMANTHA: And Mallory.
C-53: And Mallory, of course. What are your plans?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Well, Tina and I here. [aside] I call her Tina because it's a cute nickname I have for her. But we're going to go and we're going to meet my son. And we're going to just, you know, reconnect with him! And, you know, I'm having some health problems I think I need to tell him about.
C-53: Oh, I’m so sorry.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: So that's why I'm trying to reconnect.
C-53: Well, regardless of the circumstances, we're glad you reached out. I think this is probably going to be a positive experience for each other.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: You're a droid, right?
C-53: Ah, that's correct, yes.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: A robot?
C-53: [murmurs in agreement]
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: So you don't have, like, brainwave patterns like the other organics on the ship, right?
C-53: Well, I do have a cube, which could be considered, you know, its own sort of producer of such–
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [whispering] Okay, Tina, I think maybe we can try to get some brainwaves off him, too.
SAMANTHA: [whispering] Yes, I think we can do that plan we were going to plan to do.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Okay.
C-53: Uh. You two are both whispering in a very…
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: No, no, no, no. It's just like a sweet moment between a couple that's in love.
SAMANTHA: Yes, but we're not a couple because we're not defining it.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [embarrassed] Oh, my gosh. I said couple.
C-53: Yeah, you just said it.
SAMANTHA: It's fine. We're together, but also not together.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: I'm sorry, Samantha.
SAMANTHA: It's fine, Tony.
C-53: [confused] And you called him Tony because that's like a Tube of Blue Liqui–
SAMANTHA: Only when I'm mad at him.
C-53: Okay.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Yeah, because you can shorten it to TOBL. T-O-B-L.
C-53: Sure. Yeah.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: And then the nickname for TOBL is obviously Tony.
C-53: Tony. Naturally. Yeah.
SAMANTHA: Now, [butchering this] Steephen-Five Three?
C-53: C-53.
SAMANTHA: Can you tell us anything about our son?
C-53: Oh, um, well, AJ is, of course, very enthusiastic. He's a really passionate guy. Um, he can be quick to anger.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Which probably excites his brain waves.
C-53: Um, I guess that's true. Yeah, I suppose I have noticed that.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Okay.
C-53: Well, they actually fall into a very predictable pattern when he gets excited.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [hungrily] Wow, that sounds delicious.
C-53: Okay. I guess there's a lot of things about tube-based culture that I'm not familiar with. What is it that a tube, uh, eats, I guess?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [nervous] Oh, you know, all the normal stuff.
SAMANTHA: Yeah.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: You know, Tina and I, we like all the same foods.
SAMANTHA: We often go out to restaurants.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Yes, we do.
SAMANTHA: And we eat food.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [stumbling] Food restaurants are our favorite places… to devour the food.
C-53: [suspicious] Sure, everyone loves FOOD restaurants…
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Because think about it. All dads and moms and beings are tubes.
SAMANTHA: And stepmoms.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: And stepmoms. We're all just tubes that you put food into. And then, you know, you absorb that thing!
C-53: Ah.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: And then you're a tube that ejects something that helps create a new life.
C-53: Yeah, I guess it's just the way you're talking about all this makes me feel like...
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [nervous and laughing] Like I don't know what I'm talking about? I know exactly what I'm talking about.
C-53: No, no, no. Listen. TOBL, I didn't mean to assume anything.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Tube of Blue Liquid.
C-53: Sorry, Tube of Blue Liquid you're right. We're not there yet. I didn't mean to, you know, assume anything about your way of life. But it just seems like if you want to get to know AJ better, maybe you should just learn how Tellurians and clones of Tellurians function and relate to each other. I think that might help speed the whole process.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Okay, I can do that. I can relate to Tellurians. I've been learning a lot in therapy. And, you know, Tina is basically a Tellurian, right? She looks like a Tellurian to you?
C-53: [confused] Yes. Yeah, I guess I would have just assumed she was a Tellurian.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [rapidly] Good, good. That's the right assumption to make.
[transition]
[Nermut and Dar discuss while Dar plays Flappy Garfon]
NERMUT: [shuffling through papers] So, Dar, I just got your new draft.
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: You've re-titled it. It used to be Emotional Availability Contract, and now it's just Contract.
DAR: Yes.
NERMUT: Is that meant to convey… Are you on another browser window? Are you even… Why do I hear, like, online gaming chimes?
DAR: It's just I'm better at multitasking. You know, my brain doesn't work when I'm just doing one thing.
NERMUT: [angrily] Is that Flappy Garfon, Dar? Are you jucking kidding me?
DAR: Okay, let's just…
FLAPPY GARFON: You are level 72. Congrats, Dar!
NERMUT: [impressed] Well, that's… Okay, A, good job. B, very rude.
DAR: Thank you.
FLAPPY GARFON: [grimly] FATALITY.
[transition]
PLECK: AJ, listen.
AJ: What?
PLECK: We're gonna go back in there, and I want you to tell the Tube of Blue Liquid how you feel, but I want you to be open to whatever he says to you, okay?
AJ: [huffily] So you want me to have a conversation?
PLECK: I mean, yeah, that's basically what I'm describing, yeah.
AJ: Pfft.
PLECK: Listen, I know he… It sounds like he was kind of a, you know, kind of a no-show father to you, but, you know, you're your own person now. You're six years old!
AJ: I don't know.
[door opens]
SAMANTHA: I'm sorry, are we interrupting?
PLECK: Oh.
SAMANTHA: A private conversation?
C-53: [walking up] I tried to stop them, but they, uh…
AJ: Uh, who are you?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Uh, this is…
SAMANTHA: I'm your stepmom.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: This is your stepmom, Samantha.
AJ: What?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: But you can call her Mallory.
C-53: Don't call her Tina.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: What? Why would I?
SAMANTHA: You could also call me Christaine.
AJ: What?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: It's one of those Tellurian names.
AJ: [running up and shouting] Hey, everyone! It's not the names that's confusing, it's the fact that I have a stepmom. Why didn't you tell me this? I sent you so many recordings. I told you all about my life!
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Look…
AJ: I even gave you every crew member's brainwave pattern.
PLECK: Wait-
AJ: [unfazed] Like, every one of them.
PLECK: Wait, why would you…
AJ: Over and over again.
PLECK: Why would you do that, AJ?
AJ: I don't know, I just… I ran out of stuff.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: He just wanted me to get to know you, alright? Look, AJ, I'm not… [sighs] I haven't been the best dad. Even though I'm kind of the best at being a dad. But, uh, it's up to us to forge a new relationship now, because, [dramatically] uh, um, my health isn't what it once was.
PLECK: Oh no.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [tearing up] And, uh, if we don't connect now, I don't think we're gonna get a chance. So I'm here, and I'm here to set things right.
PLECK: Oh my Rodd. Tube of Blue Liquid, I didn't understand how important this was to you. This is… AJ, you gotta…
AJ: Yeah, I just… I guess Tube of Blue Liquid, I always worried that you weren't gonna be proud of me because I wasn't, you know… Like… Cylindrical, and I… You know, I don't… I mean, I have liquid in me, but I don't think the right amount. Or maybe the right color.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Yeah, it's not blue in there, but that's okay.
AJ: [upset] I know it's not blue!
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Hey, it's okay, AJ!
AJ: [shouting] I'm not you! I don't want your life!
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [shouting back] Why do you think I'm making liquid? [tearing up] I'm trying to make a liquid like it's inside you so I understand you!
AJ: [crying] Oh!
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [crying]
PLECK: Oh no…
C-53: Oh, no, no, this is good. This is healing.
AJ: [wiping off the tube] There's so much condensation on the tube!
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: And I just wanted everyone's brainwaves so I wouldn't die!
PLECK: Wait, what?
AJ: You want everyone's brainwaves so you won't die?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [still emotional] Yeah. Well, just me and Tina, we've been going to these restaurants, but we're still hungry, and we just need some brainwaves!
AJ: How many brainwaves? Like, how much brainwaves?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: You know, as much as someone generates?
PLECK: Wait, hold on a second. When you consume brainwaves, what happens to the brain that's making the waves?
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: Well, you know, what happens to Tellurian food when you consume it?
PLECK: It goes awa–
SAMANTHA: It goes away, but it's helping somebody else.
C-53: Okay, uh….
SAMANTHA: AJ, give me a hug. [walks forward] Give me a very long hug.
C-53: [strolling forward] Okay, I’m just gonna hold you at a distance
AJ: Okay, but…. Samantha, Tina, Mallory wanted to...
C-53: Yeah, yeah, no, I know, AJ, but I don't know this is 100% safe for you to do, so I'm just gonna…
AJ: [walking forward] Connecting with somebody else is never safe, Robot Man.
PLECK: Uh, yeah, I don't know.
C-53: Remarkably self-aware, AJ, but this is…
PLECK: Yeah, I don't know. I'm not sure that's what C-53’s talking about.
SAMANTHA: When I'm giving you a hug, if you could also open your mouth, and then I'm gonna put your father into your mouth!
C-53: [worried] Okay, yes, this is not…
PLECK: [mad] Okay, hold on a second, hold on.
SAMANTHA: This is what we call a hug.
PLECK: Okay, all right.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: It's just a hug where we reach inside you and pull out your brainwaves1
PLECK: [laughing] That's not what a hug is!
C-53: That's not a hug!
SAMANTHA: [emotional] Family is so important!
C-53: You're describing something other than a hug.
[transition]
[Audible during this entire conversation is the argument taking place five minutes previous]
DAR: Okay, I think that about covers, uh, you know, all the oral stuff that we want in our contract.
NERMUT: [upset] Can we switch back to the contract with me?
[beat]
DAR: Yes, sorry, absolutely.
NERMUT: You, you've been talking to your dentist for 45 minutes!
DAR: [holding back laughter] It's really important to hammer out a really good contract with your dentist. Oral hygiene is...
DENTIST: [deep raspy voice] Okay, Dar, we'll talk to you later!
DAR: Okay, thank you, doctor.
DENTIST: [scats]
[call disconnects]
NERMUT: A, very rude. B… [quiet] I will recommend my dentist to you. Yours seems terrifying.
DAR: I like a scary dentist. That makes me clean my teeth.
NERMUT: Okay. Can I ask you, what is all the commotion in the other room? It sounds like yelling and screaming and, like...
DAR: You're right, I should go check on that! You know what, Nermut? Click.
[call chimes]
[door opens]
PLECK: Dar, Captain Dar, I need your help! I need your help, something's going wrong!
DAR: Thank you, Pleck.
AJ: Captain Dar, can you, like, give us your brainwaves?
PLECK: [frantic] No, no, don't listen to AJ! Something's happening on the bridge and we need you out there. We need someone large and muscular out there right now.
AJ: My dad and my stepmom need all our brainwaves!
C-53: Yeah, Dar, I think we might have a hostile presence aboard the ship.
PLECK: Yeah, well, you need to come with us, Captain.
NERMUT: Oh, hey, Nermut!
C-53: I think he's still on, he's just muted.
AJ: [shouting] You're muted, buddy.
PLECK: You're muted on your end, or...
DAR: Goodbye, Nermut!
[call disconnects]
PLECK: It's fine. Listen, Captain Dar, the Tube of Blue Liquid, I'm pretty sure is...
AJ: Is making amends.
PLECK: Okay, no, don't…
AJ: And I'm willing to take it.
PLECK: We had to bring AJ back here because he was about to give the Tube of Blue Liquid all of his brainwaves, but I think you need to help us out.
AJ: I want to play that game of catch that we never had.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: How would that work, AJ?
AJ: Where I throw him up and catch him..
C-53: [disbelief] You throw and catch him? The tube?
DAR: Yeah, throw the Tube of Blue Liquid. That makes a lot of sense, actually.
PLECK: [frustrated] Okay. Let's just go back up to the bridge, please.
[crew opens the door to the bridge]
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: So when we're done devouring their brainwaves, I think we should maybe actually think about going to therapy, even though we just made that up?
SAMANTHA: Take that vacation we've always talked about!
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: I know, right?
PLECK: Hey, guys.
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: [surprised stuttering]
DAR: We didn't want to interrupt. We wanted to listen to you guys talking for a little bit, just to get a better sense of your plan.
AJ: We call that an aside!
C-53: You said a little something about eating brainwaves?
DAR: Mm-hmm.
AJ: Wait, hold on. You guys were going to eat brainwaves? We were going to GIVE you our brainwaves.
PLECK: AJ, listen...
AJ: You think there's a connection?
PLECK: Listen, I don't know who you are…
AJ: Do you guys think there's a connection?
C-53: Yeah, AJ, we do.
PLECK: I don't know who you are or what you want, tube of blue liquid and Mallory or Samantha, but…
TUBE OF BLUE LIQUID: We're going to come clean with you now. I am not a Tube of Blue Liquid. I am…
[the tube rises into the air, emitting an ethereal hum]
ERATH MINYA: [gently, with a strange new accent] Erath Minya!
C-53: What. The juck?
ERATH MINYA: I am Erath Minya. And this is my life mate. We put labels on it!
[Samantha gurgles and transforms]
SAMMALTI: [southern accent] That's right. This is how I really sound like.
C-53: They’re these… ethereal beings!
SAMMALTI: We’re deeply in looove.
AJ: How did I grow inside of that?
C-53: AJ!
DAR: Ah, AJ, no…
ERATH MINYA: I must tell you that I intercepted your transmissions meant for your father, who is clearly an inanimate object.
AJ: Oh…
PLECK: [oof] Oh boy..
C-53: You shouldn’t…
PLECK: I don't know. Let's not say it out loud right in front of him.
ERATH MINYA: And I decided to take the form of this thing so I could come here and eat your brainwaves. But it is too late for the one you know as Mallory and I. We needed the brainwaves much sooner. We are about to die.
PLECK: Wait, what?
ERATH MINYA: Soon we will turn into stardust and return into the vastness of space!
SAMMALTI: [bizarre emphasis] And we weren't lying about the therapist! The therapist truly told us to work on having more exciting outings before our life ended!
ERATH MINYA: It is truUuue.
PLECK: Oh, no.
ERATH MINYA: [devolving slowly] Our lives, they were all a shammm. And now that we don't have brainwaAaaves we need, our voices, are... disassembling…
C-53: Yeah, really weird…
SAMMALTI: Please give us your brainwaves! We need your brainwaves NOooW.
ERATH MINYA: Please give us your brAAainwaves.
C-53: Erath Minya, can't you eat brainwaves without eating a brain?
PLECK:Yeah, can't you just, you know, brainwaves leave the brain and then they stay out there. You can just collect them as they come in.
ERATH MINYA: Well, I suppose if I had some kind of advanced technology that allowed you to project brainwaves in that way, I'd eat some!
PLECK: Uh, I mean...
C-53: Uh…
DAR: [sheepish] You're catching us, you know, like on such short notice.
C-53: Yeah.
ERATH MINYA: [british and rapid] Well, I suppose, Mallory, that there's nothing left for us to do but die.
PLECK: Uh…
SAMMALTI: I guess so.
C-53: This feels bad…
AJ: Can I have… one last.
SAMMALTI: Who wants to go first. Do you want to go first or should I go first?
ERATH MINYA: Well, I suppose our one last chance is if there's someone whose branelaves, brainWAVES were so… now my vocabulary’s being affected!
PLECK: Oh no!
C-53: No, no!
PLECK: He’s disintegrating! There's particles coming off of him!
ERATH MINYA: If somebody's brainwaves were so predictable, so obvious, so basic, that taking them wouldn't affect them and they would survive the process of having their brainwaves devoured.
AJ: Uh… [charges blaster]
PLECK: [panicked] Oh, AJ, AJ, put the gun down! Listen, listen.
AJ: This is over.
PLECK: That's not your father. That's not your father!
ERATH MINYA: [shouting incoherently] I'm sorry I had to lie to you, AJ! I'm sorry. Please forgive me!
C-53: AJ, I know this has been a confusing and emotional day.
AJ: [worried] Like, what… what are… what's with the voices, man?
PLECK: They don't speak Regular! They're just communicating the only way they can, AJ!
AJ: I don't care. I'm angry, and I'm hungry, and I'm sad, and then I'm back to angry, and then I'm a little hungry, and then I'm sad again. Angry!
[AJ begins humming as his brainwaves fall into a loop]
C-53: Stay in the loop, AJ! Stay in the loop!
PLECK: Stay in the loop.
AJ: [pacing] Angry. Hungry. Sad!
ERATH MINYA AND SAMMALTI: [chanting along] Angry. Angry. Hungry.
PLECK: They’re getting bigger! They’re getting bigger!
ALL THREE: Angry. Angry. Hungry. Sad!
[The two ethereal beings straighten up with a gasp]
ERATH MINYA: [weirdly accented] Well, thank you so much for this. You have given us the basic brainwaves we need to survive! I have always loved reading your transmissions, AJ, and it is my truest hope that you will think of me and the one you know as Mallory as your father and stepmother!
AJ: Why?
C-53: That’s sort of a lot to ask.
SAMMALTI: I would like to take you to a party, give you to you to ice cream, and we can eat ice cream together as a family!
AJ: Listen, the ice cream is really giving me pause, but...
PLECK: Well, he is hungry.
AJ: You guys are two random beings made of light or dust or something?
ERATH MINYA: Stardust, yes. It appears to you as light.
AJ: Sure. But, you know, you tricked me.
PLECK: Yeah, to be fair, Erath Minya, you... Your only relationship with AJ is that you stole his mail and then impersonated his father. There's no reason he should have any trust in you.
ERATH MINYA: [cheerfully] I know. What a meet-cute!
PLECK: [laughing] I don't think that's what that is.
C-53: It's been used in holos before, is all I'll say.
[communicator chimes]
PLECK: Oh, boy. Okay, just hold on a second, guys.
C-53: We have an incoming transmission. Oh. Actually, it's an ongoing transmission?
PLECK: Oh, hey, Nermut, were you on hold this whole time?
NERMUT: [deeply wounded] Yes!
DAR: [genuinely apologetic] Oh, sorry.
C-53: Buddy, we’re so sorry.
PLECK: You know, you have the power to hang up, Nermut.
NERMUT: Yeah, but I don't have the emotional power! I have the physical power but the emotional power would be admitting that you don't want to talk to me!
AJ: [interrupting] You know what? I do have the emotional power to hang up!
PLECK: Oh.
AJ: Not on you, Nermut.
NERMUT: Oh!
AJ: [determined] But on YOU, Tube of Blue Liquid, what's your name now? Do we have a-
ERATH MINYA: Erath Minya.
AJ: [confused] Okay.
NERMUT: Wait guys, can I quick ask, is anything super weird happening?
PLECK: Uh…
C-53: Uh…
[crew hovers on the concept]
PLECK: No… No weirder than usual, to be honest.
AJ: No, it's pretty-
SAMMALTI: It's normal for us.
AJ: Yeah.
DAR: [laughs]
NERMUT: Okay, we've got a mission, but I'll hang back.
PLECK: Yeah, maybe next time.
C-53: Yeah, maybe.. I dunno if we’re feeling it today.
PLECK: Can we table… table that?
SAMMALTI: Well, we're having a soiree at our place later. Everyone here is invited to come!
PLECK: [confused] You have a place?
ERATH MINYA: Yes, we have a little bungalow on the fourth planet of the Baltar system!
C-53: Hmm.
SAMMALTI: It's a starter home, but we're working on flipping it to make profit.
C-53: Okay.
ERATH MINYA: Yes, we just need to put in some new splash tile in kitchen and it will be ready for someone to look at it!
SAMMALTI: And we also need probably more brainwaves for that to work!
ERATH MINYA: Yes, but we have lots of ice cream and lots of coffins for you when your brainwaves are gone!
PLECK: Oh, I don't think that's-
DAR: LOTS of coffins. Hm!
AJ: [quietly] That's a sweet deal, I'm not gonna lie. But, here's the thing. [walks forward] I always thought that I needed to know my Tube of Blue Liquid because I thought I needed to know about my family.
ERATH MINYA: [excited] Right, and that's why I took advantage of that!
AJ: Right, you totally did and I fell for it very hard. But, I have a new family now.
ERATH MINYA: You do?
NERMUT: [confused] Who is it?
[beat]
AJ: What? It’s… I was just gonna say it was you guys.
C-53: [tired] Yeah, Nermut… you really… ruined that moment here.
NERMUT: Ooookay. Sorry.
PLECK: Thanks AJ.
BARGIE: Hey guys, it's Bargie. Do you want me to just like release these people out from my hatch? Because it doesn't seem like-
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, they did trave–
C-53: Obviously they can–
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, obviously they can survive in space. They came straight up to the ship.
[Bargie’s hatch opens and the two fly out]
ERATH MINYA: What? Okay, well, goodbye. [getting more distant] Come get ice cream and we'll see you later. Bye bye!
[Bargie’s hatch closes]
AJ: I might, I might just do that! I still might go get ice cream.
CREW: [laughs]
[transition]
AJ: Dar, how was your call with Nermut?
PLECK: Yeah, did you guys figure out your sort of like post-relationship, you know, arrangement?
DAR: [hesitant] We have decided to set a date.
AJ: [happy] Aw, you set a date?
DAR: To talk about it.
PLECK: Huh.
[communicator chimes]
C-53: Uh, I've actually got an incoming transmission from… Erath Minya?
DAR: Oh, okay.
PLECK: Oh boy, okay.
C-53: AJ, it's up to you whether we should accept this.
PLECK: You wanna answer this, AJ?
AJ: Let's take the call.
C-53: Okay.
[call accepts]
ERATH MINYA: Hello everyone! We just wanted to show you the kitchen, so I'm going to turn the camera around!
PLECK [laughs] Okay!
AJ: [mad] We're not in the market. We're not in the market!
SAMMALTI: Look at the cabinets!
AJ: We're not in the market!
ERATH MINYA: Look at the cabinets! Come and get the ice cream and we'll eat your brainwaves.
C-53: It’s a beautiful tile…
PLECK: Yeah, the backsplash looks great, Erath Minya.
DAR: That does look really good.
PLECK: Listen, Erath Minya, do you have anything to say to AJ before you go?
ERATH MINYA: I want to say that even though I tricked you and I wanted to eat your brainwaves and you ejected me into space, I will not hold it against you and forever I will think of you as my son, even though obviously you are just a clone of Rolphus Tiddle.
PLECK: Oh, wow. [laughs] That’s…
AJ: What? A clone of who?
PLECK: [anxious] No you don’t… that’s not…
DAR: What?
AJ: [confused] When he said the name, was there a name? I just heard clicks.
PLECK: Yeah, that's not a…
AJ: I can't hear the name.
PLECK: Not to AJs...
AJ: Clone of who? Who am I a clone of?
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: This episode was played by special guest Matt Young. Matt is an actor, improviser, and producer based in Chicago. You may be familiar with his portrayal of Usidore the Wizard from the narrative improv comedy podcast Hello from the Magic Tavern on the Earwolf Network. This episode was originally recorded as a live stream for Pod UK, then edited by Seth Lind, sound designed and mixed by Shade O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra, with additional performance by the Chime Street Brass Quintet. Opening crowd narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. And if you're hearing this, so are you! Thank you so much.
MAXIMUM FUN: MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.
MATT: Soon we will turn into stardust and return into the vastness of space.
MOUJAN: And we weren't lying about... My voice changed. We were...
MATT: That's what happens when you don't have enough brain waves!
JEREMY: That’s fine. That's okay.
ALLIE: She’s getting weaker!
[crew starts cracking up]
MOUJAN: We weren’t lying about the therapist! The therapist truly told us to work on having more exciting outings before our life ended!
MATT: It is truueeee. Our lives, they were all a shammm…
This edited and sound-designed version was previously exclusive to our supporters on the Maximum Fun podcast network. To support what we do, and to get access to even more great content, join our other intrepid supporters at maximumfun.org/join