You've Got Chainmail

The Fellowship of the Legume reunites to celebrate a winter holiday, when they are suddenly interrupted by a messenger.

• Episode Transcript

  [medieval music plays over Quariel scrawling on a piece of parchment]

  QUARIEL: [writing] Friends, I reach out to you during these coldest of months to invite you to the church so that we may celebrate the most hallowed day of our calendar, the Lighting of the Sun. The anniversary of the very day that Rodos himself lit the sun. By the glorious grace of Rodos, the darkness shall be dispelled and the days shall once again grow longer. I would have you with me at my side, friends, as I celebrate this most glorious day. Signed, Quariel, Paladin of Rodos the Sunlight.

  [intro music, people enter a building. The outdoors is frozen and cold]

  DWAYNNE: [cheerful] Happy birthday, friend.

  SAMESIES: Ah, greetings, Quariel.

  QUARIEL: Dwaynne the Orc Johnson, it is good to see you, but it is not my birthday.

  SAMESIES: Ah, it's a birthday tune that you request?

  QUARIEL: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

  BOOKET: For your birthday, I'll let you have any wish you want. Any wish.

  QUARIEL: No, it seems to be some confusion here. It is not my birthday.

  DWAYNNE: [confused] But you sent us all an invitation.

  QUARIEL: I did send you an invitation, but it is an invitation to my ceremony for the lighting of the sun, invoking my great lord, Rodos.

  DWAYNNE: I'm sorry, wait, are you not Rodos?" 

  SAMESIES: No, Dwaynne.

  BOOKET: No.

  QUARIEL: No, Dwaynne, I'm Quariel.

  GIGLI: It is still pretty dark out, when does it, you know?

  QUARIEL: The ceremony has not yet begun, Gigli son of Groin.

  SAMESIES: Is there a merry tune that goes along with the day? [jangling]

  QUARIEL: Yes, actually, there is a most holy hymn that goes along with the lighting of the sun. Allow me to sing it for you now. [growling] Lighting of the sun. 

  BOOKET: He came straight to our face, he's very close to all of us.

  QUARIEL: We put our trust in you, Rodos.

  GIGLI: Never thought I'd miss Samesies, jeez.

  SAMESIES: Thank you.

  GIGLI: That was rough.

  SAMESIES: Thank you, it's not really a danceable beat.

  DWAYNNE: Oh, I'm very into it.

  QUARIEL: There are 29 more verses.

  BOOKET: So it's like a song about your ex.

  QUARIEL: No, he's not. Rodos is not a person, and I do not… 

  SAMESIES: [singing and plucking] Fair Rodos, bosoms heaved and ligh—

  [Quariel grabs Samesies]

  QUARIEL: [growling] You shall not despoil the name of Rodos.

  GIGLI: Well, good party so far.

  QUARIEL: Yes, friends, I'm sorry.

  BOOKET: I hope you don't mind, I brought my roommate, Petra.

  QUARIEL: Oh, very well.

  SAMESIES: Was she invited, or what?

  PETRA: [coming in] No, but I came anyway, innit.

  QUARIEL: Yes, well, I have made food for this event.

  DWAYNNE: Oh, these look good, I haven't had anything to eat today.

  QUARIEL: Yes, these cakes are meant to represent the first food grown with the light of the sun, ignited by Rodos himself. As you can see, they are burnt to a crisp. The heat of the sun was extremely intense upon first light. [takes out sizzling cake]

  GIGLI: You know what I actually just ate.

  QUARIEL: Will you not share a cake with me, Gigli, son of Groin?

  DWAYNNE: I'll have his, I'll eat it.

  QUARIEL: Just leave it in your mouth a little while, it eventually becomes soft enough to bite. [crunches into cake]

  DWAYNNE: Here, Gigli, if you open your mouth, I'll just baby bird some of this rock-hard cake into your mouth.

  GIGLI: Here we go, drop it in there.

  QUARIEL: No, you will not shame these cakes in this way.

  GIGLI: But I was the baby bird.

  SAMESIES: So, burnt cakes and hymns, that's what we're doing.

  QUARIEL: Yes, it is a glorious celebration of Rodos the Sunlighter. While you attempt to eat your cakes, allow me to draw your attention to this pine tree covered in decorative items.

  SAMESIES: Oh, it's lovely, it smells so good.

  DWAYNNE: I love the tinsel.

  BOOKET: It's very fragrant to the nose.

  QUARIEL: This represents the rude, untamed nature that Rodos was to correct. [lights it on fire]

  SAMESIES: Oh, he's putting a torch to it.

  QUARIEL: Yes.

  GIGLI: Oh, geez.

  BOOKET: Oh, he just burned it out.

  QUARIEL: Ignite, Rodos.

  DWAYNNE: Wow, that caught fire very fast.

  SAMESIES: Oh, it's really going up.

  DWAYNNE: Look at those little ornaments burn.

  QUARIEL: [praying] We do give thanks to you, Rodos the Sunlighter. The wickedness of the world is burned away in your perfect light. Now that the tree is ablaze, for each of you, a stout boot filled with treats, candies. Small gifts. [hands everyone their boot]

  SAMESIES: Well, thank you, Quarriel.

  BOOKET: That's very considerate.

  QUARIEL: Cast them into the flame. Reject the temptations of the world.

  GIGLI: [disappointed] But the ca– The candies look so good. 

  QUARIEL: Yes, they are meant to. They are most likely delicious, but cast them into the fire. Allow Rodos to clean you of the sin.

  BOOKET: You put so much work into them.

  QUARIEL: Yes, I must. It is part of the ritual.

  GIGLI: You could have just not given us the candies.

  QUARIEL: No, but the temptation must be there.

  SAMESIES: All right.

  QUARIEL: You must throw your boots into the fire.

  SAMESIES: All right, all right.

  QUARIEL: Do not be tempted by these caramels. [throws caramels into flame]

  GIGLI: [sadly] Oh, they were caramel, doh. Cruck me.

  [Thagamos enters the building]

  THAGAMOS: [desperate] Heroes, heroes, please!

  QUARIEL: [drawing blade] Traveler, you profane this shrine to Rodos by letting in this darkness.

  THAGAMOS: Hear me, you are the only ones who can help me. I seek the Fellowship of the Legume.

  QUARIEL: Well, friend, then you have found them. What business have you with the fellowship?

  SAMESIES: We're them.

  DWAYNNE: Them is us. We are the Legumies.

  SAMESIES: Well, no, we're not doing that. We're not doing Legumies.

  DWAYNNE: We're not the Legumies?

  THAGAMOS: Only the Legumies can help me, for I have this bag of messages for thee. [pulls out messages]

  DWAYNNE: What, fan mail?

  THAGAMOS: I, Thagamos, and all of my kind, travel from settlement to settlement, bearing written messages. And not only am I charged with delivering them, but I, I shall be the one to read them.

  BOOKET: You made it seem like it was a big problem when you came in, but it just seems like you're gonna read mail.

  GIGLI: Yes, Thagamos, you seem terrified.

  THAGAMOS: I am, I am. This is my first job.

  SAMESIES: Does anything in the rules of the day of Rodos mean that we cannot open and read mail?

  QUARIEL: Well, actually, um…

  SAMESIES: [excited] What a fun game! Let's just do it! It's something other than cakes and hymns, am I right? Am I right?

  GIGLI: This can't rightly be called cakes. 

  QUARIEL: [reluctant] I suppose it's all right.

  SAMESIES: It'll be fun! Weary traveller, please, entertain us with your first question.

  THAGAMOS: Ah, thank you, kind bard. I have the first letter here. This one is for Samesies.

  SAMESIES: Ah, well, that is actually me, myself, and I.

  DWAYNNE: One and the Samesies.

  THAGAMOS: Very well. Samesies.

  GIGLI: [laughing] Pretty good, Dwaynne. Pretty good.

  QUARIEL: Dwaynne, your wordplay has grown in leaps and bounds.

  GIGLI: Not, honestly, not bad.

  QUARIEL: No doubt the influence of Rodos the Sunlighter upon your mind.

  THAGAMOS: Shannon asks Samesies, of all the songs you've written, which one is your favorite?

  SAMESIES: [chuckling] Ah, well, what a wonderful... First of all, thank you for your question. Second of all, oh, it's like picking a child. I just... how can one pick it? [begins plucking]

  QUARIEL: It's nothing like that.

  GIGLI: Do we answer all of them, or do we kind of like skip ones that are…

  THAGAMOS: We can skip the ones that are annoying. We can skip the ones…

  QUARIEL: Oh, yes, of course.

  SAMESIES: No, no, no, it's, um, the Haystacks of Felwath Plain. That's my favorite.

  BOOKET: Oh, right, it's a good one.

  SAMESIES: The Haystacks of Felwath Plain.

  QUARIEL: I am unfamiliar with this song.

  SAMESIES: It deals with a maiden named Jane, and it's just very... it's some of the themes that I like to go into in my work.

  BOOKET: Right, let's get it. Let's continue on.

  QUARIEL: Yes, the question has been answered. There is no need to sing it.

  THAGAMOS: Very well. I have a question from Noelle.

  GIGLI: [interrupting] Thagamos, you may approach the table. You needn't... you needn't cower in fear.

  THAGAMOS: No, I must cower right near to the door.

  QUARIEL: No, come closer to the altar. Enjoy the warmth of the light of Rodos the Sunlighter, and please have one of his cakes.

  DWAYNNE: Also, if you want, I can chew up the cake for you first and then spit it out.

  GIGLI: Yeah, you're the baby bird.

  QUARIEL: [grossed out] Don't do it. No, don't do that. That's disgusting.

  BOOKET: I'm looking on a spell to take away the burnt parts.

  QUARIEL: Booket, you shall not use your wicked magics on this cake of Rodos.

  BOOKET: [chanting] Undo the darkness, go away, make the cake nice and gray.

  [the cake morphs]

  QUARIEL: Oh, you've done it.

  SAMESIES: It doesn't look appetizing, though.

  QUARIEL: It's a gray, a poor color for a baked good.

  THAGAMOS: And I have yet another question for you.

  QUARIEL: Very well, Thagomos.

  THAGAMOS: This one is by Lemons Today. Their question is–

  QUARIEL: [confused] There's a vendor of lemons? Lemons Today?

  THAGAMOS: Who can say? Listen, I collect and deliver the letters, but I have no information about from which they come.

  QUARIEL: Surely you must remember who you collected the letter from.

  THAGAMOS: Nay, I say nay. That is why I then travel to any nearest township and scream my responses to the masses, hoping to find someone who has written the letter.

  QUARIEL: Ah, I see. So you do not remember who you have collected the message from, you just scream the answers and hope?

  THAGAMOS: No, anonymity is built in.

  BOOKET: And we reply verbally?

  THAGAMOS: Yes, yes.

  GIGLI: So you are memorizing our answers and you will yell them?

  THAGAMOS: Yes, I shall travel to the nearest township, scream them at the top of my lungs, and then once someone is like, 'Oh, that was me, I'm Lemons Today,' I shall remove that from my speech at the next township, knowing full well that Lemons Today has received his reply.

  BOOKET: Oh, Petra fell asleep.

  PETRA: [wakes up] Whop!

  BOOKET: She's awake.

  GIGLI: She has a real resting witch face.

  SAMESIES: What's the question, dear messenger?

  THAGAMOS: Hi, Quariel.

  QUARIEL: Oh.

  THAGAMOS: What was the reason you took up the oath of becoming a paladin?

  QUARIEL: What was the reason? The reason was… [draws sword and swishes around]

  GIGLI: Why are you waving your sword?

  THAGAMOS: Please, sir, please, sir, away your sword.

  QUARIEL: [grimly]The reason was I had a moment of clarity where I realized my entire life I'd been sitting in the blackest darkness, and the only one who had shed but a single ray of light on my hopeless condition was Rodos the Sunlighter. And at that moment I realized that if my life was not spent serving Rodos, I would have wasted the very gift that Rodos himself granted me. And I pledged that that would never happen.

  PETRA: Sounds like rock bottom that, though.

  QUARIEL: Yeah, I was in a bad place.

  THAGAMOS: Our next question is from Michelle, who asks, 'Booket.' 

  BOOKET: What?

  THAGAMOS: What's your favorite spell that you've ever cast, aside from turning yourself into a witch? And how did you meet your roommate, Petra?

  BOOKET: Oh, it's a two-parter, isn't it? I'm going to start with number two. Well, Petra and I met in school, did we not?

  PETRA: Roommate, didn't we?

  BOOKET: Right, we were roommates assigned to each other, all random, and we'd be like, we got a lot of common. For example, Petra and I, we both like to jog. Also, Petra, you tell a funny story about the day we met. Can you say it again?

  [Petra pours a drink]

  PETRA: What day we met?

  BOOKET: Right, the day we met, go on.

  PETRA: We were assigned to each other, we were roommates, and we came in the first day of uni. [screeching]

  SAMESIES: My glass just shattered.

  PETRA: We came in the first day.

  BOOKET: Right. And I saw you, and I was like, 'What?'

  QUARIEL: This screeching offends the ears of Rodos.

  PETRA: And then, you know Larry.

  BOOKET: Oh, I hate Larry.

  PETRA: Oh, Larry. And then we were like, 'Wait, we redddre roommates.' And it turns out, we were already roommates.

  PETRA: As for the first part of the question, my voice will get deeper as I give you a spell. You can use this one to get anyone to fall in love with you for approximately five seconds. [chanting] Itsy bitsy spider, open up your heart, look at me in the eye and say you are who I am not.

  GIGLI: [enamored] Booket, uh, I don't know what's come over me, but I need to lay down my axe and tell you that you…

  BOOKET: Five seconds up.

  GIGLI: Oh.

  BOOKET: It's a fun spell though, you know.

  GIGLI: Why am I kneeling?

  QUARIEL: It is a long story, Gigli.

  [transition music, the Sunlighters are chanting in a forest and setting flame to a decorated tree]

  SUNLIGHTERS: Sweet merciful Lord, hear our prayer. On this darkest day of the year, we ask that you bathe us in your majesty and bring your cleansing light into the world once more. Let your holy fire burn this decorated tree in these delicious confections, and we might live to glimpse summer's holy light and bask in the magnificence anew. 

  SUNLIGHTER A: This winter seems longer and colder than ever before.

  SUNLIGHTER B: Aye, I've spent many a sleepless night dreading the evils the darkness brings.

  SUNLIGHTER A: You know, just because you're grown up doesn't mean you've outgrown bedtime stories.

  SUNLIGHTER B: Uh, what? I, I know that.

  SUNLIGHTER A: Whether you want a story to turn you on or wind you down for better sleep, Dipsea helps you get in touch with yourself for some extra sweet dreams.

  SUNLIGHTER B: Who is Dipsea? Some sort of carnal dream deity?

  SUNLIGHTER A: Hardly. Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on.

  SUNLIGHTER B: It is no sin. Rodos smiles upon those who practice self-care.

  SUNLIGHTER A: Of course he does. Rodos' sex positivity knows no equal.

  SUNLIGHTER B: Plus, each Dipsea story features characters that feel like real people and immersive scenarios, so you feel like you're right there.

  SUNLIGHTER A: I love immersion.

  SUNLIGHTER B: Me too. Oh, and Dipsea's new Sleepovers feature popular Dipsea characters speaking directly to listeners to say good night and, and tuck them in. Bedtime stories feature the classic Dipsy storytelling but less explicit, so they let your mind wander, while soundscapes are focused on peaceful noises rather than story and character, like ocean waves or rain.

  SUNLIGHTER A: [angrily] Rain? [draws sword] But rain clouds block Rodos' merciful glow from us.

  SUNLIGHTER B: Oh, okay, fine. You don't have to listen to the rain one.

  SUNLIGHTER A: Thank Rodos.

  SUNLIGHTER B: And for fellow paladins like we, Dipsea is offering a 30-day free trial when you go to dipseastories.com/zyxx.

  SUNLIGHTER A: That's 30 nights of dark, wintry evil banished by horny audio, relaxing bedtime stories, and wellness sessions. And also the glory of Rodos as he lets the sun out.

  SUNLIGHTER B: Oh, yes, the glory of Rodos. Lets the sun out. Yes.

  SUNLIGHTER A: That's a 30-day free trial when you go to dipseastories.com/six.

  SUNLIGHTER B: Praise Rodos.

  SUNLIGHTERS: [shouting] Dipseastories.com/zyxx!

  [transition music]

  THAGAMOS: I have another letter.

  QUARIEL: Let us continue, Thagamos, if you must.

  THAGAMOS: This letter is from Potato Pete. Before I read it, you should know this is not an anonymous letter. This is from THE Potato Pete. He handed it to me in person.

  QUARIEL: Obviously, we're all familiar with Potato Pete.

  THAGAMOS: Hail and well met, my dudes, he says.

  SAMESIES: Hail and well met.

  THAGAMOS: A strange blight has befallen my southern lands. An awful, oozing affair. I am including a sketch on the back of this parchment to help illustrate what's going on down there. [turns over paper]

  DWAYNNE: Ooh, can I see the picture?

  THAGAMOS: Absolutely. [Thagamos hands Dwaynne the parchment]

  SAMESIES: What is it?

  THAGAMOS: It appears to be a drawing of his penis. And something else!

  DWAYNNE: [disgusted] Yeah, but there's something wrong with it.

  THAGAMOS: Anyway, does Booket the Witch have any sort of potus or spell that could help? Thank you, Potato Pete.

  BOOKET: You know what? I'm gonna give this one to Samesies, because the best way to get rid of a rash on your genitals is to give it a little song.

  SAMESIES: Ah, yes. Tried and true. For many years, I have sung songs to get rid of genital warts and any types of rash. [singing and jingling] Tis itchy down there, down there, down there. Tis itchy down there, down there. So don't itch it now, down there, down there. Don't itch it now, down there. Just put your hands on your head, do a little bitty jig, and you won't have to itch your nethers. [stopping] So just sing that over and over, and I think, you know, it'll probably scab over in time, mostly. That's what the sailors tell me, at least.

  GIGLI: I mean, how is that not the first answer of your favorite song? That's a good one. That's…

  BOOKET: I like that one a lot.

  SAMESIES: [disappointed] Really, that's the song that I have written that you all like the most.

  DWAYNNE: Yeah, you can't help but dance to it.

  GIGLI: Hands down the best.

  SAMESIES: It's not even a song. It's something that I jingle bells along with. It's a jingle. That's what they've been calling it. It's just a jingle.

  GIGLI: It's catchy.

  SAMESIES: No, but my other songs have things like love and passion in them. This is just don't…

  BOOKET: I like it because you remember it, and I never remember any of your other ones.

  SAMESIES: No, but this is just a song about not itching your penis. My other songs deal with more important things.

  GIGLI: Don't, but don't, but don't. It's, you know, it's really good. I assume, Thagamos, you must now sing this song back to Potato Pete.

  THAGAMOS: [scribbling] Yes, I'm still writing.

  GIGLI: Oh boy.

  THAGAMOS: There's not a lot of room on the back of this parchment with all of the genital stuff.

  SAMESIES: Sorry.

  THAGAMOS: So I had to write very small.

  DWAYNNE: Oh, so I don't get to keep the drawing?

  THAGAMOS: I'm afraid not.

  QUARIEL: And you do not carry your own parchments, Thagamos.

  THAGAMOS: Where would I have room to do that, Paladin?

  GIGLI: It's true, that is a tiny loin cloth.

  THAGAMOS: This is a... yes, yes, I wear but this tiny loin cloth, which has room for one quill, of course, but the bag is full of letters for you. I'm sorry, do you want to hear another letter or what?

  SAMESIES: Yes, yes, please.

  QUARIEL: Very well.

  THAGAMOS: [reading] Okay, this is for Gigli, son of Groin of Clan Benefer. What is Gigli's proudest notch in his axe?

  GIGLI: [excited] Oh, wow, let's see. This one, it will definitely was from slashing the spine of a... no, not that one, actually. Came with it, was sort of pre-weathered. I wanted it to look cool even before I fought with it. This one was…

  DWAYNNE: Distressed, yeah.

  GIGLI: Yes, distressed. This one is definitely... that was a sharpening accident. Oh, wait, this one is... [rubbing] that's just smooth. No, not a notch at all.

  QUARIEL: It's not a notch at all. Thagamos, I implore you, continue on to the next question.

  THAGAMOS: I have another question.

  QUARIEL: Very good.

  THAGAMOS: This one is from Toruno824. Can Samesies give us a step-by-step of their songwriting process?

  SAMESIES: [thrilled] Ah, well, I'm so glad you have asked, because no one in the fellowship asks me anything like this. Mostly it's just, they don't really ask me much at all. They just say kind of like, 'Would you please stop?'

  PETRA: That's a question!

  SAMESIES: That is true. My process goes as follows. [sits down and plays various instruments] I brood. I sit with my lyre, or my lute, or a tambour, and I…

  QUARIEL: So many instruments.

  SAMESIES: Or even a jaw harp, or a recorder, or a pan flute, or one of those things that it's just, it's like the, it's a pole and it has a drum, and if you put your hands…

  QUARIEL: Twist it.

  SAMESIES: And kind of spin it and twist it.

  BOOKET: A flute?

  PETRA: He doesn't even have the name of it.

  SAMESIES: No, that's not a flute. No. Anyway, I sit with an instrument, and I brood, and I just write from my heart. I, you know, write what you know, and I know springtime. I know maidens. I know fiddle-dee-dah-dee-dah. I'm usually circling that for a while, and trying to kind of come at it from different angles, and you know…

  PETRA: Fiddle-dee-dah from different angles?

  SAMESIES: Yes, well, I mean…

  PETRA: What's an alternate? Give me an alternate angle on fiddle-dee-dah.

  SAMESIES: Fiddle-dee-dah, fid-dilly-dah. It's all things like that.

  QUARIEL: Why don't you ask these questions, Thagamos? You only prolong this nonsense.

  SAMESIES: And then sometimes it's fiddle-dee-dah-dee-dah. You know, it's just, it's all that kind of thing, and it's usually in the drafting process. I'll go through…

  QUARIEL: [grabs parchment from Thagamos] Give me this parchment. This is, surely this is Samesies' handwriting. Look how flowery it is. He’s underlined the name Samesies. For what purpose?

  THAGAMOS: Here is a question for Dwaynne the Orc Johnson.

  DWAYNNE: Oh, that's me.

  GIGLI: Strong start.

  THAGAMOS: This one is from Lemons Today.

  QUARIEL: Yes, we are familiar with Lemons Today.

  THAGAMOS: Well, speak not thee too soon, for again, this is an anonymous service. This could be anyone who has chosen…

  QUARIEL: [angrily] Thagamos, do you suggest that two separate individuals have chosen the pen name Lemons Today?

  THAGAMOS: I know not. It is not my place to guess. You know, whether it was the same... maybe it's a very common... maybe it's a pop culture reference, none of us understand…

  QUARIEL: Ask your question, Thagamos.

  THAGAMOS: Dear Dwaynne…

  BOOKET: Petra fell asleep again.

  PETRA: [wakes up] Whop!

  BOOKET: Oh, she awake.

  THAGAMOS: Dear Dwaynne, what is the best part of being an Orc?

  DWAYNNE: [scratches ass] Hmm, that's a good question. I think, from experience, uh, the cheek. Last time I ate an Orc, the best part is definitely the cheek.

  GIGLI: [worried] Oh, dear. 

  SAMESIES: Whoa.

  THAGAMOS: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Being an Orc, not eating. Do you eat Orcs?

  DWAYNNE: I mean…

  QUARIEL: Dwaynne the Orc Johnson, surely you would not eat another Orc.

  DWAYNNE: Well, not because I wanted to, but you know, when your clan fights another group of Orcs, and then, uh, you don't just defeat them, you have to eat them.

  QUARIEL: Also known as a clan. Oh, sweet Rodos.

  DWAYNNE: [slowly] It's actually, like, pretty, um, environmental.

  SAMESIES: [doubtful] Is it?

  THAGAMOS: You clean up, you sort of clean up after yourself.

  DWAYNNE: Yeah, we're not wasting anything. We, uh, we eat our enemies.

  QUARIEL: I shall not be party to this. I will retreat to the absence of the church. Glorify Rodos by myself.

  DWAYNNE: I know what that means. He's gonna go touch his personal sketch.

  QUARIEL: No, no, I'm not.

  BOOKET: Why, you are, you are.

  QUARIEL: I'm glorifying Rodos through prayer.

  PETRA: We're talking about wanking!

  BOOKET: He's talking about wanking, he is.

  SAMESIES: Ah, I've written many a ballad to this day. Art of self-love.

  BOOKET: Samesies, you got a song about wanking.

  DWAYNNE: Oh, yeah.

  SAMESIES: Well, it's actually very similar to the non-itching song.

  DWAYNNE: Is it another jingle about wanking?

  SAMESIES: It's similar, yes.

  PETRA: [excited] We're singing a wanking jingle!

  SAMESIES: No, no, just, ugh.

  DWAYNNE: Ring the bell, ring the bell, ring the bell, ring the bell.

  BOOKET: Ding-a-ling-a-ling!

  SAMESIES: [singing] I know you want to pull it now, but don't it won't be the…

  GIGLI: That's against, that's an anti-wanking song.

  SAMESIES: Yes, it's an anti-wanking jingle. I have to make money somehow, and sometimes it's with townships, they ask me to write jingles to stop the wanking problem.

  [transition music]

  PARTHAGOS: [proclaiming] Townspeople, townspeople, open your shutters and hear me! I, humble messenger Parthagos, bear answers to questions. Perhaps your question. [opens parchment] Okay, this first one goes out to, uh, Healthy Goblin 242. Healthy Goblin 242 asks, 'How can I possibly receive and eat high-quality meals without leaving my cavern?' The answer is Green Chef. Green Chef is the first USDA-certified organic meal kit company and the number one meal kit for eating well, because Green Chef makes eating well easy and affordable with plans to fit every lifestyle or guild affiliation. Ingredients come pre-measured, perfectly portioned, and mostly prepped, so you can spend less time stressing and more time enjoying delicious cavern-cooked meals. And here this Healthy Goblin 242, whether you're keto, paleo, vegan, vegetarian, chaotic good, or just looking to eat healthier, there's a range of recipes to suit any diet or preference. And Green Chef is now owned by HelloFresh, another wonderful meal kit company, which means a wider array of meal plans to choose from. Now, I don't like to editorialize here much, but on a personal note, I, Parthagos the Messenger, I have nary a free moment to scour the market or rummage through boxes of recipe scrolls. That's why I use Green Chef. In fact, this very eve, once I am done delivering answers, I shall dine on one of my favorites, honey citrus glazed tilapia. Mm, so good. Go to greenchef.com/zyxx90 and use code ZYXX90 to get $90 off, including free shipping. Other townspeople, you may use this code as well, greenchef.com/zyxx90 and code ZYXX90 for $90 off. 

  TOWNPERSON: [dully] Thanks. 

  [transition music]

  THAGAMOS: Another scroll awaits you if you choose. 

  SAMESIES: Well, yes, of course. 

  THAGAMOS: This one is from Peneli. It's for Gigli.

  GIGLI: Hi. 

  THAGAMOS: Tell us a tale of your father's great deeds. 

  GIGLI: Oh, a tale of Groin the Great? I'd be more than happy to. [unlatches chainmail] Let me unbuckle my mail, settle in. [dramatic music] This is a long one. When Groin, father of Gigli, of Clan Benefer, was but a lad himself, only 61 years old, he led a charge over the seventh heath into the netherworld of the giant rabbit itself. And following him was 95 members of Clan Benefer. When he crested the seventh heath, what did Groin see? His own reflection in a vertical pool of water– [the audio fades in and out of Gigli telling the story] a cow, a dragon, a lake. Was Groin afraid? No. Groin the Great and his friend wrote a screenplay, wrote a play about, wrote a play about a man who was a humble toiler but a genius, who had sort of an elder, and you might remember the climax where the subject says, "It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault." 

  QUARIEL: Yes, I remember the climax of that play in which the dwarf suggests that it's not his ancestral vault, and he says, "It's not my vault. It's not your vault."

  GIGLI: “It's not my vault. It's not your vault. It's not my vault.”

  BOOKET: Didn't you see? I'm sorry.

  GIGLI: I know it's not my fault, but do you really know it's not your fault? It's not my fault." Anyway, Groin recited the seminal lines of that play–

  PETRA: Alright!

  GIGLI: –vaulted into the vertical water, and then it disappeared, revealing a spire of gold. That gold was brought back to the clan, driven into the ground, and as time went on, it pushed up the block on which I was born. That is how I am still Gigli from the block. 

  BOOKET: [deadened] Hooray! It ended. 

  QUARIEL: Yes, the ceremony to Rodos has long since been finished. 

  DWAYNNE: Oh, did you have a good birthday? 

  QUARIEL: Again, Dwaynne The Orc Johnson, it is not my birthday. Nor is it the birthday of Rodos. 

  DWAYNNE: Oh, that was going to be my next proclamation.

  QUARIEL: No, it is not his birthday either. It is the anniversary. 

  THAGAMOS: Of Thagamos!

  QUARIEL: No, what? 

  SAMESIES: Thagamos! Is it your birthday?

  THAGAMOS: It is my birthday. 

  SAMESIES: Oh, it's your birthday? 

  THAGAMOS: Yes, well, since you asked, yes, it is my birthday. 

  QUARIEL: Nobody did ask, but…

  THAGAMOS: I don't take my birthday off. I don't take it off. I could. 

  GIGLI: We can tell, yes.

  THAGAMOS: I have the leave. I have the leave, but I don't take it. I do have one more question. 

  QUARIEL: Yes, very well. 

  BOOKET: All right. 

  THAGAMOS: This question is from Tell Me Tomorrow, but I pray thee, tell me today, for I am leaving at the end of this whole thing.

  GIGLI: That's the name, or you're... 

  THAGAMOS: No, tell me... 

  BOOKET: The whole thing is the name?

  THAGAMOS: No, no, no. Tell Me Tomorrow is the name. Who hast thine largest bicepticus?

  BOOKET: Oh, that's a good one, that is. 

  QUARIEL: The answer to that is clear. It is I, Quariel, paladin of Rodos the Sunlighter. My faith in Rodos... 

  BOOKET: Nay, nay, nay.

  QUARIEL:  ...and performing holy works has made my bicepticus extremely powerful. BOOKET: Nay, nay. If I say the right spell as a witch, I could get bicepticuses you've never seen in your entire life. 

  QUARIEL: Let us see this, this engorged bicepticus of yours, Booket.

  SAMESIES: I've often found that the bicepticus can also be found in the heart. 

  BOOKET AND DWAYNNE: [angry] No. 

  SAMESIES: But in that way, my bicepticus is very strong. 

  PETRA: You talking about muscle tone? 

  SAMESIES: Aye. Yes, I guess so. 

  BOOKET: Petra's an expert. She teaches a class at the Y on Tuesdays. 

  PETRA: Physical therapist, innit!

  QUARIEL: You're a physical therapist?

  PETRA: Sports medicine.

  QUARIEL: Sports medicine?

  PETRA: You need a bicepticus, uh, massage. 

  QUARIEL: Well, surely, Petra, you are the most qualified to determine who has the largest bicepticus. 

  PETRA: Iunno.

  GIGLI: I think when, when figuring, we should account for height to bicepticus ratio. Because I, Gigli, if I were expanded to the height of, say, 20... 

  DWAYNNE: Yeah, because Gigli's really short, but... 

  GIGLI: Oh, we don't have to, yeah, if we're talking short... 

  DWAYNNE: You know, obviously, if you take into account all of the, you know, radius and stuff, then obviously…

  SAMESIES: And his heart is quite big. 

  QUARIEL: That doesn't have anything to do with this, Samesies. 

  PETRA: Although the Orc... 

  GIGLI: Oh, the Orc definitely has really big– 

  SAMESIES: Oh yeah, the Orc's gigantic.

  PETRA: I mean, if I’m being honest.

  QUARIEL: Your biceps are enormous.

  DWAYNNE: I didn't want to say myself, but... 

  GIGLI: Oh man, oh, flexing that thing. Wow, that's…

  SAMESIES: I mean, the Orc is, yeah, the bicepticus is... 

  DWAYNNE: [flexing] It's definitely me. I just, I didn't, you know, I wanted to be nice. I wanted to go around and point out everybody else's great attributes, but... 

  GIGLI: Oh, you're making them dance. 

  DWAYNNE: Oh boy. 

  BOOKET: They're going up and down, they is. 

  DWAYNNE: Just don't, please don't ask me which way to the forest, okay? 

  THAGAMOS: Speaking of which, which way to the forest? That is my next township. 

  DWAYNNE: Because it's, uh, that-a-way. [rips shirt]

  THAGAMOS: Oooh!

  QUARIEL: Yes, we have certainly have been given two tickets to the jousting tournament here. 

  SAMESIES: [curious] Is that a joke, Quariel?

  QUARIEL: Figures of speech are within the domain of Rodos the Sunlighter.

  SAMESIES: Oh, look, everyone, look! The sun, it's rising!

  QUARIEL: Even earlier than the day before. Rodos's power only grows. Our rite has been a success. Thank you, my friends. 

  THAGAMOS: I hate to, I hate to interrupt your ritual.

  QUARIEL: Thagamos, what? 

  THAGAMOS: Before I go, I do have one more question for you, Quariel. This is my question. 

  QUARIEL: Very well. 

  THAGAMOS: From Thagamos. 

  QUARIEL: Yes, I'm aware. 

  THAGAMOS: So starting tomorrow, the days shall get longer. 

  QUARIEL: Yes, exactly. 

  THAGAMOS: But around, uh, middle of Cranth... 

  QUARIEL: Yes.

  THAGAMOS: They start getting shorter again. 

  QUARIEL: Indeed. 

  THAGAMOS: That sort of happens every year. 

  QUARIEL: Well, it is a dark time. 

  THAGAMOS: If he is as powerful as you say, wouldn't the days just continue to get, you know, increasingly long? 

  SAMESIES: [darkly] Friend, you walk a dangerous path right now.

  THAGAMOS: Well, I'm just saying it, it seems like... 

  QUARIEL: [grabs Thagamos] Listen to me, Thagamos. There is no one more powerful in this world, this universe, than Rodos the Sunlighter. If you were to suggest…

  GIGLI: Whoa, hold him lower, his little loincloth is up.

  SAMESIES: [singing and jingling] If you feel like pulling it, don't. If you feel like jerking it, don't. 

  BOOKET: When I was a princess, I saw someone fall off the surface. 

  QUARIEL: I see evil in my sights, Thagamos. 

  SAMESIES: If you wank it too hard, it could hurt a little bard. 

  GIGLI: Maybe I'll try this grey cake.

  [outro music]

  JO: Hi! I’m Jo Firestone.

  MANOLO: And I’m Manolo Moreno.

  JO: And we host Dr. Gameshow, a podcast where listeners submit games, and we play them, regardless of quality, with a dozen listeners from around the world.

  MANOLO: We’ve had folks call in from as far as Sweden, South Africa, and the Phillipines.

  JO: Here’s an example: this is a game we called Zoo-ey Deschanel, where you turn a celebrity’s name into an animal pun. You have an example, Manolo?

  MANOLO: Brad Gorillapitt.

  JO: Oh, that’s a pun on.. Gorilla pit?

  MANOLO: Yep.

  JO: I dunno-

  MANOLO: It’s Brad Pitt.

  JO: Oh, okay. 

  MANOLO: That’s a high quality game that you could expect.

  JO: Yep! Dr. Gameshow has new episodes every other Wednesday on Maximum Fun.

  MANOLO: Check us out, pleaaaaase.

  APRIL: Hello there, ghouls and gals, it is I. April Wolfe! I’m here to take you through the twisty, scary, heart pounding world of genre cinema on the exhilarating program known as… Switchblade Sisters! The concept is simple: I invite a female filmmaker on each week and we discuss their favorite genre film. Listen in closely to hear pasts guests like The Babadook director Jennifer Kent, Winter’s Bone director Debra Granik, and so many others every Thursday on MaximumFun.org. Tune in… if you dare! MWAHAHAHA! It’s actually a very thought provoking show that deeply explores the craft and philosophy behind the filmmaking process while also examining film through the lens of the female gaze. So, like, you should listen. Switchblade Sisters…

  MAXIMUM FUN: MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Audience-supported. 

  ALDEN: I do have one more question. 

  JEREMY: Yes, very well. 

  MOUJAN: Oh. 

  WINSTON: All right.

  ALLIE: This question is for, uh, all of us. 

  ALDEN: This question is for all of you. 

  WINSTON: Oh, wonderful. Very good. Very good.

  MOUJAN: A group activity, it is. Is it about process? 

  SETH: Save for the end. Kind of climactic. Let's see. You do have it, or are you taking a little birthday break? 

  JEREMY: Yeah, what's the— What's the hold up here, Thagamos? 

  MOUJAN: He just took a little, very slow drag off a cigarillo. 

  ALLIE: [laughing] I love it. 

  ALDEN: It's my union break.