Zima Mailbag!
Dearest listeners, please gather here — equidistant between the hack circle and the drum circle — and listen as as the fabled Zima Masters perform the hallowed rite of checking their email.
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[intro music]
[The Zimas walk together]
TURNEK: Gather Zimas, it is I, Master Turnek… Webmaster Turnek.
PELL: Yes!
TURNEK: I have tidings from the great beyond in the form of HTML inquiries! [dials up Missionator]
KIARONDO: Mm. As the scrolls prophecy.
TURNEK: Gather great Zimas.
PELL: Yes, we shall. I shall gather, Master Pell with my fists of flame! [lights fists]
LITTLE BOY: And I shall gather too! Master Little Boy, I can go…. up three inches! [hovering hum] Oooo!
KIARONDO: Yes, and I, of course, am Zima Master Kiarondo! Who commands the power of sound. Am I here? [switches headphone speakers] Or am I… here?
LITTLE BOY: It's more stereo than mono.
KIARONDO: Yes… If you're listening through a mono source, it will be less impressive.
LITTLE BOY: Yes.
CABOWABO: Zima Master Cabowabo here, I’m the spirited one! [clinks bottles together]
PELL: Ah yes, Cabowabo… the funkiest of Zimas!
CABOWABO: [pours alcoholic ingredients into blender] The power I possess is bringing the hoopla to the shindig!
KIARONDO: Every shindig that Cabowabo attends is just kicked up another notch.
TURNEK: Young Zima in the shadows there…. Who are you?
SPICKLE: Oh hello! I’m chosen one Tuper Spickle! Happy to be here!
TURNEK: You're certain you're a Zima?
KIARONDO: Ah yes, welcome!
CABOWABO: Are you certain you're a real boy?
SPICKLE: I'm a real wooden boy! Thanks for having me!
TURNEK: I believe we have a quorum!
KIARONDO: Yes, to begin the sacred rite of answering questions.
TURNEK: Yes and I, Webmaster Turnek, will present the first one from Mike Bardhart! [clicks] On our powerful website, we have categories of inquiry! This falls under pot luck menu.
KIARONDO: Mm, okay…
TURNEK: If I'm lazy, can I just bring a dish I whipped up in a replicator?
KIARONDO: Mmmm…
PELL: Of course, we all remember the one time when Master Cabowabo made steaming shots using a replicator.
TURNEK: Right. Demanded we drink them out of others navels.
CABOWABO: So everybody was very squirmy-wormy! [laughs]
PELL: Yes, that was the term that you used. Squirmy-wormy. What do you think, little wooden boy?
SPICKLE: Well, I've never eaten anything, but if you put a nut in my mouth, I'll crack it wide open! [clacks around]
PELL: Ugh… well, I guess that covers it.
KIARONDO: Chosen One Tuper Spickle, you are an unusual Zima recruit.
SPICKLE: Oh, well, I'm just here to fulfill my prophecy!
TURNEK: Mike Bardhart, use your new wisdom wisely.
KIARONDO: Master Turnek, what is the next request?
TURNEK: [clicks] Brace yourselves for it is a wood-saber injury.
KIARONDO: Oh, dear.
TURNEK: The message. The splinters. My Rodd, the splinters are everywhere. It hurts so much to type. Why am I still typing when it hurts so much to do so? It. Pointless. Speaking of points, the splinters. My Rodd, the splinters are everywhere. It hurts so much to type.
KIARONDO: [annoyed] How much more of this is about the splinters, Turnek?
TURNEK: [clicks forward] This seems to be on a loop. Perhaps it is Tuper Spickle who should speak to the dangers of wood!
KIARONDO: Yes, surely Tuper Spickle.
SPICKLE: Well, I'm smooth as a poop deck on a seafaring… I don't know.
TURNEK: Well, that is smooth.
[Tuper Spickle rattles into pieces]
KIARONDO: Tuper Spickle, you want to collect yourself? Take a second?
TURNEK: Oh, he just fell into a little stack of lumber.
SPICKLE: Oh, I'm real loosely put together, though. [tries to reassemble]
KIARONDO: And let me speak a word to all young Zimas who may be in the process of crafting their own wood saber. Don't just jerk it all around. Seems like a lot of these young Zimas are very hot to trot with these wood sabers. Take the time, appropriately finish the wood saber. Maybe even put a lacquer or enamel on it? And then you're going to have a wood saber that lasts!
TURNEK: [clicks] The next message is from Matthew Hoja Arnie. A question about Other.
KIARONDO: Oh, other. A broad, potentially limitless category!
TURNEK: Could be anything. Soup… Time…
LITTLE BOY: Soup!
PELL: Spare change.
KIARONDO: Time-based soups?
SPICKLE: Cold soup!
TURNEK: Turns out it's none of those. I think I dropped my house keys on the hack lawn last night. If anyone finds a key ring with a wood saber bottle opener and a "your-face-is-wack" souvenir Tellurian dog whistle—
KIARONDO: [laughing]
TURNEK: -please let me know.
CABOWABO: I do love a good whisttell.
LITTLE BOY: The way the Zimas work is you find, you keep. So, sorry!
PELL: That's right.
TURNEK: Sounds like Little Boy has your keys, Mr. Hoja Arnie.
LITTLE BOY: [rattling keys and hovering] I… No! I'm just saying the culture of the Zimas—
TURNEK: You're rattling the key ring, Little Boy.
LITTLE BOY: The next person keeps it. That's why I have all these chains!
PELL: Yes, Little Boy is famous for her finder's keeper's rule.
KIARONDO: Master Turnek, please regale us with another inquiry.
TURNEK: [clicks forward] Seems to be that I have some edge cache to reboot.
KIARONDO: The ways of the webmaster are complicated.
LITTLE BOY: Well, we might as well play a little sack! [tosses hacky sack around]
KIARONDO: Yes, well, if there is a moment of downtime.
[Zimas enjoys a little sack]
CABOWABO: Thank you, Grandmaster Little Boy, for bringing it.
TURNEK: Don't hit my Wi-Fi cables! No, no, no.
KIARONDO: Your Wi-Fi cables?
TURNEK: Yes, it's a, well, it's sort of a… it’s a landline.
SPICKLE: It's a contradiction!
KIARONDO: Very weird!
[The Zima Masters toss the sack around until they hit Spickle and he falls apart]
LITTLE BOY: Oh, no, we broke the stick boy!
SPICKLE: Oh!
CABOWABO: Oh, you beamed him right in the head, Kiarondo.
KIARONDO: I must apologize.
SPICKLE: Just, you put my head back on it, and there should be, the peg goes right in the hole.
KIARONDO: [screwing head in] Yes, this seems to have sewn everything up nicely.
SPICKLE: Well, that's real kind of you, mister.
TURNEK: Okay, I have the next message from Marianus, tempted by wackness.
KIARONDO: Mm… This is a very serious question.
TURNEK: I was hoping you'd solve a disagreement with me and my friend, who is a bit wack herself, if I might add.
PELL: My friend and I.
TURNEK: Hmm. Good point.
LITTLE BOY: [sadly] Oh, not now! This is not the place…
PELL: That way, wackness lies.
TURNEK: Pell’s half-novels are impeccably…
KIARONDO: Grammatically, they’re flawless.
TURNEK: It's grammatically impeccable.
LITTLE BOY: That's true, that's true.
TURNEK: Narratively, oof.
KIARONDO: Well, you haven't gotten to the end of the story.
PELL: No.
TURNEK: HE hasn't. Is it really that bad if I just drink Heptchup right out of the bottle?
KIARONDO: We're, of course, all familiar with the popular table-sauce Heptchup.
TURNEK: Yes.
PELL: Master Cabowabo, you are the master of all things bottles and imbibing.
TURNEK: Cabowabo, please guide Marianus.
CABOWABO: Oh, baby, baby, baby, if you're doing it for a dare and you're doing it for five kroon, there is nothing wrong with chugging a whole bottle of Heptchup. [squirting sounds]
PELL: So speaks the Master.
CABOWABO: Up top!
SPICKLE: Oh, I'm way too short for that!
KIARONDO: That's alright, I won't leave you hanging, Master Cabowabo.
CABOWABO: Don't leave me hanging! [extremely fresh high five] Thank you, Kiarondo.
KIARONDO: Anytime. One of the freshest acts in the known universe.
SPICKLE: A high-five?
KIARONDO: A firm high-five.
SPICKLE: What if you only have a little wooden mitten?
KIARONDO: Well, in that case, down low! [smacking sound]
SPICKLE: Oh, there we go!
KIARONDO: Yes, you learn well, Tuper Spickle.
PELL: And the next inquiry. [clicking]
TURNEK: Yes, a message from Bram-481, a droid.
KIARONDO: Mmm…
TURNEK: Question about: tempted by wackness. Message: Are technical documents wack? I am a tech writer, and some days this feels wack as juck, help.
KIARONDO: Hmm.
LITTLE BOY: Wait, what's the question?
TURNEK: I feel this person hates their job and wants to know if that's okay.
KIARONDO: Well, hating your job is very fresh.
PELL: ‘Tis fresh to hate one's job.
LITTLE BOY: You know Little Boy's backstory is that Little Boy had a job that they hated.
CABOWABO: Ooh!
PELL: You were an accountant, were you not, Master Little Boy?
LITTLE BOY: I was!
SPICKLE: Ooh, a CTA?
LITTLE BOY: And all I had to do was to sit down on my desk and never go up. Sit down all day long.
TURNEK: Denying your destiny.
KIARONDO: Very wack.
LITTLE BOY: Until one day, I looked up and I said, I'm going to go up three inches! [hovering] Day by day, I worked hard, and I went up two, and then back to zero! Then I went to a thing called, I guess, rehab is… what is a more better name for that?
KIARONDO: Yes, that is what it is called.
CABOWABO: Oh, sure, sure.
LITTLE BOY: But not for that… It was just like, my life was going super cray, I had a lot of stress, I started doing some things I shouldn’t… anyway! Long story short, just, uh, hang in there.
SPICKLE: Ooh, chilling!
TURNEK: There you have it, Bram-481. An answer clear as day.
CABOWABO: Hang in there. Eloquently put.
TURNEK: [clicks] Here, a question from Bede Lawls. A question about the Space.
KIARONDO: Yes.
PELL: YEahHHHHHH…
TURNEK: If a Zima Knight must commit an act of wackness in order to ultimately maintain freshness in the long term, is it justified?
KIARONDO: A difficult question.
TURNEK: How can one rationalize such a wack act and begin the process of self-forgiveness as they strive to become one with the space?
SPICKLE: Who is this one from?
TURNEK: Bede Lawls.
SPICKLE: Bede Lawls, oooh!
LITTLE BOY: Say that again.
TURNEK: Bede Lawls.
SPICKLE: Bede Lawls. [excited] Sounds like he's referring to Wackiavelianism!
PELL: I'll say this for Bede Lawls. The space is very big. It is twisty and turny. Like a good novel. Like a novel where you kind of, what genre is, oh, it's a different genre than I thought. But sometimes…
SPICKLE: Wait, what novel, what genre are you referring to?
TURNEK: Don't, don't, don't get into it.
PELL: Well, that's, sometimes you mix genres. Anyway…
KIARONDO: Tuper Spickle, how long do you want this answer to be?
SPICKLE: Wait, do you, are you a writer, sir?
ZIMAS: [groaning]
PELL: Well, I am, actually! No, I will, but to stay on the point, I will say this. We all make mistakes, and mistakes can sometimes be our biggest teacher. So, when you do go wack, as long as you are trying to always go to the fresh.
KIARONDO: To paraphrase what Master Pell said, the well-known Zima axiom is, once you go wack, immediately come back. Do not stay on the wack side, come back to being fresh.
SPICKLE: Oh, that's real good advice.
KIARONDO: Yes, yes.
TURNEK: Master Cabowabo, you must have seen many people stray into the wack after a certain degree of inebriation, right?
CABOWABO: [cracking open a can] Nah, everybody stays fresh when they're with the Cabowabo!
TURNEK: Haha, that’s what it is…
PELL: That's true, the only way to completely stay fresh is to be drunk. No mistakes happen when one is inebriated.
KIARONDO: Arguably the freshest state of all.
CREW: [nervous laughs]
TURNEK: Right, bottoms up, Bede Lawls. [clicks] And now a question from Colin Santiago. Category Other. I have no wood saber, but how do I tell when I am in touch with the space?
PELL: I'll answer your question with another question. Where in the world is Colin Santiago?
TURNEK: Uh, that’s… Let me check location.
KIARONDO: No, no, no. No need to check it, Master Turnek. Once Colin Santiago knows where in the world he is, he will be in touch with the space. So I ask again.
PELL AND KIARONDO: [singsong] Where in the world is Colin Santiago?
LITTLE BOY: Once you know where you are, then that is where you'll be. I came up with that in rehab.
PELL: Yes, it's good advice.
TURNEK: [clicks] This from Zadam. Is the Emperor an acolyte of the wack side?
SPICKLE:What kind of question is that?
KIARONDO: This sounds like a wack taunt!
TURNEK: He certainly seems like it, asking for a friend.
KIARONDO: No, I trust this question not, Turnek!
TURNEK: [chimes] I will flag it.
KIARONDO: Yes, flag it. Send it to our domain administrator.
TURNEK: Right.
KIARONDO: Needless to say, to any young Zimas out there, you can rest assured that the Emperor is a disciple of the wack most foul.
SPICKLE: Ooh, I'm writing this down. [whittling]
PELL: Don't write on yourself.
SPICKLE: I don't have any place else to put it!
PELL: No, don't whittle in your…
SPICKLE: I've got a little pocket knife! The Emperor is wack-a-doodle!
TURNEK: [clicks] My Zima friends, a simple question from Aroflin Krompatis. Are payday loans wack?
KIARONDO: Payday loans? Arguably the wackest of both paydays and loans.
LITTLE BOY: What is, to clarify, that's when you get paid and then you ask for a loan?
TURNEK: Master Little Boy. A payday loan is when you have not yet been paid, you take a loan out against your future pay at a very high interest rate, you spend the money, you get paid, and you ultimately get paid less than you should.
LITTLE BOY: [aghast] Oh, that's wack.
CABOWABO: Super wack.
KIARONDO: Yes, extremely wack.
LITTLE BOY: It's incredibly wack.
TURNEK: Yes, wack.
KIARONDO: However, being paid in cash…. Sorta fresh.
CABOWABO: Ooh, very fresh, under-the-table stuff. We like it.
TURNEK: Oh, Cabowabo says yeah.
KIARONDO: You get a cater-waitering gig and they're paying you under-the-table?
CABOWABO: Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
KIARONDO: Maybe you get to take a tray of sandwiches home? Now you're talking.
TURNEK: [clicks] Speaking of, a question from Topher. The potluck menu inquiry. Hey, is it cool if I just bring paper plates and napkins to the potluck? May the space be with you.
SPICKLE: Boy, no way.
TURNEK: I don't know. I mean, we've got a lot of paper plates and not much food.
LITTLE BOY: We have a database, and right now, 20 people are bringing paper plates.
PELL: It's a cop-out.
TURNEK: I thought it was a database glitch, but no, everyone keeps saying that. And of course, the wackest thing in all existence is RSVPing maybe.
KIARONDO: Ooh.
CABOWABO: Ooh, super wack.
TURNEK: To that potluck.
KIARONDO: And wacker still, replying maybe, and then adding a comment saying, don't know if I can make it, but I'll try.
SPICKLE: And then showing up with paper plates.
TURNEK: [clicks] Now a question from Roger, a robot. Category wood saber injury. What do I do if a Dinglehopper cuts off my arm?
CABOWABO: Whoa.
KIARONDO: Well, should you encounter the Dinglehopper, you should count yourself lucky, Roger, a robot, for you will have encountered one of the rarest wood sabers in the entire galaxy.
TURNEK: So true.
CABOWABO: Yes, you should preserve the arm as a memento of such an occasion.
KIARONDO: Also, Roger, are you not a robot? Replace the arm!
SPICKLE: Or just screw it back in. That's what I do! [screwing]
KIARONDO: Another option!
TURNEK: Oh, he is. Wow.
PELL: Look at him go.
SPICKLE: Here you go.
PELL: He's keeping the arm still and just…
KIARONDO: …rotating his own body around about it.
SPICKLE: I can swa-WHOAHOOH! [crashes and falls apart]
TURNEK: Oh, Roger continues.
KIARONDO: Oh, so it's a two-part question.
TURNEK: I mean, I can replace the arm.
KIARONDO: Oh, okay.
PELL: Yes.
TURNEK: Does that mean the being that cuts off my arm gets to keep the arm?
KIARONDO: Ah, here—
LITTLE BOY: Finders keepers! That's how we work.
PELL: Little Boy…
KIARONDO: Little Boy has judged. Finders keepers.
TURNEK: Next, a question from a weasel.
LITTLE BOY: What? Everyone hide! Everyone hide! It’s a weasel! [hovering]
PELL: It's a weasel… Be careful.
TURNEK: Little Boy's weasel phobia is on high this season.
CABOWABO: It's the weason for the season.
CREW: [groan laughs]
TURNEK: [clicks] The weasel writes, I have been looking for the space in my pee hole. Can I actually see or feel it?
LITTLE BOY: [weirded out] Um… we don't need this one…
TURNEK: Next.
PELL: Pass.
KIARONDO: Don't be gross, weasel.
SPICKLE: P stands for pine, right?
KIARONDO: Yes, your pine hole.
SPICKLE: I got a couple of those, I tell you what.
TURNEK: Oh, wow. Alright. [clicks forward] I think we may have found our final question.
PELL: The final question. My fists of fury ignite! [flaming fists]
TURNEK: Oh, wow.
SPICKLE: Don't get too close to me!
PELL: Don't worry, boy.
KIARONDO: Chosen Tuper Spickle, we shall not let harm come to you. This cadre of powerful Zimas will protect you.
TURNEK: Kamesh Carson has a simple question.
KIARONDO: Very well, Kamesh Carson.
TURNEK: The question is, how do I stop the wackness?
KIARONDO: Hmm.
ZIMAS: [murmuring]
LITTLE BOY: [nervous] Well, um, um, we definitely have a plan.
PELL: Oh, yeah!
TURNEK: We'll figure it out.
PELL: No, we definitely.
KIARONDO: I'm only hesitating because of all the many ways I'm sure I have to stop.
PELL: No, I'm not at all worried that this question was incredibly direct and cuts to the core. No, not at all.
SPICKLE: It kinda peels the whole thing open.
[beeping]
TURNEK: Oh, Rodd, our site’s down.
PELL: Is it down?
TURNEK: Everyone say what you said before.
PELL: What?
SPICKLE: You mean from the beginning?
PELL: The whole question circle?
SPICKLE: Like, the one about the splinters and everything? Oh, I'm not doing that.
KIARONDO: Master Turnek, do not panic. [static] I have secretly been recording this session the whole time on my reel-to-reel machine.
SPICKLE: Oh, it's warmer. I'll tell you.
KIARONDO: Yes.
PELL: Here we go.
KIARONDO: Allow me to expound upon the great freshness of reel-to-reel.
SPICKLE: Looks like that reel's getting pretty short!
KIARONDO: Oh, dear. Alright. Very well. We may have to cease this session. But know that the freshness contained within these reels…
[reel comes to a rattling stop]
[outro music]
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SETH: Bottoms up, Bede Lawls, and don't trust anyone.
WINSTON: Don't forget to drive. Drink and drive—[laughs]
MOUJAN: No!
ALLIE: WINSTON!
WINSTON: I'm sorry. We'll edit that out! Don't do that.
ALDEN: OoohHh… That doesn't seem like good advice!