418: Plastic? Oh No, Banned [ft. Nathan Min]
The crew is sent to interrupt a rival candidate’s plans. Dar attracts some admirers. AJ remembers some gal pals. Pleck takes some initiative.
-
NARRATOR: [intro music] It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal Allwheat. [music cuts out] Which looks like if all the bullies exploded. [uptempo music] Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx. [crawl music swells]
[intro music, we’re back at the beginning of Episode 101]
GRAND KULA: Now, Ambassador Decksetter, give me one good reason why my honor guard should not obliterate you in this moment.
PLECK: Oh, you know what? I got this. Dar, please present him with our Federated Alliance gift.
DAR: [angrily] You think this is our one good reason?
PLECK: I mean, it's pretty…
C-53: [whispering] Ambassador Decksetter, I strongly advise you to reconsider this course of action..
PLECK: This, my friend, is an official Federated Alliance koozie.
GRAND KULA: What is this?
C-53: It keeps a hot beverage hot. It keeps a cold beverage cold.
GRAND KULA: [angrily] When would I use this for a hot beverage? This is a hot, humid planet. When would I ever use this?
DAR: I guess...
PLECK: Well, it's great for cold beverages.
GRAND KULA: Guards, open fire!
[the Kula’s guards all begin shooting at the crew, the crew panics and runs]
PLECK: Okay, let's go, guys!
DAR: Okay, runni-
[Pleck’s frantic dash away causes a blaster bolt to get shot into Dar’s brain. The sound slowly fades out as they die]
FUTURE DAR: -not getting back up?
FUTURE DAME: Oh well, this is the part where I-
[a sinister voice appears, a combination of Beano and the Emperor]
ALLWHEAT: [evil laughter]
DAR: [wakes up gasping]
HORSEHAT: Dar?
DAR: Oh, bad dream. Another bad dream, Horsehat.
HORSEHAT: Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.
DAR: No, no, no, don't worry about it. You know what, I'm just gonna step out and get a little fresh air, okay?
[Dar steps outside their room]
PLECK: Uh, hey, Dar?
DAR: [frightened] No, I... Uh-uh.
PLECK: Okay, yeah, no, I get it. Yeah, you're not ready.
C-53: Pleck, Dar's grappling with some pretty heavy metaphysical issues right now, so…
PLECK: [to C-53] It's just, you know, when I thought that I shot them and it was fine, I felt bad. But now that I know that I shot them and they died? I mean, that's... And when I think about it, like, if that Dar died, then who is this Dar? How is that possible?
C-53: Yeah, yeah, buddy, you’re gonna make your nose bleed here. I don't think Dar's ready for that conversation yet.
PLECK: Okay, all right.
BARGIE: Hey, Dar, do you want some advice? I know you're not ready, but I have some advice.
DAR: Sure, okay.
BARGIE: [grimly] Never be ready. Let it just be inside of you. Let it get bigger and bigger. Let it define who you are. Let it remind you for the rest of your life.
PLECK: [laughing] I'm not sure that's a great advice, but…
BARGIE: Let it make you turn away from those who loved you in order to focus on one…
PLECK: [concerned] Bargie?
BARGIE: ...singular past experience that affected you for the rest of your life.
C-53: Bargie, this might not be great advice…
PLECK: No, no, yeah, certainly there's a middle ground.
BARGIE: Turn towards darkness.
PLECK: Oh, Bargie.
C-53: Bargie.
BARGIE: What?
AJ: [cheerful] Hey, everybody.
C-53: Hey! It's… our old pal, AJ!
DAR: Hi, AJ..
PLECK: Oh, AJ.
AJ: Yo, what's going on?
PLECK: Uh, nothing. We're just, uh…
C-53: Normal…
AJ: Everybody, Bargie's going super slow right now, and everybody's kind of standing in different parts of the...
PLECK: Yeah.
AJ: ...hull, just kind of, like, not looking at a single one.
PLECK: Y’know, sometimes it's important for us to each look out our own window and just consider…
AJ: I thought I heard Bargie said "turn to darkness" at one point?
C-53: Nope. I don't think that's right.
BARGIE: [dramatic] Look towards the light.
C-53: There you go.
AJ: Oh, okay, that sounds good.
DAR: We're all doing that thing right now, AJ, where, uh, we're the lead in our own Holo. So, you know, just staring out the port windows.
BARGIE: But also we are on a Holowood set right now, am I right? Right?
DAR: [confused] We are?
PLECK: What? Bargie?
DAR: We're on a set right now?
BARGIE: Yeah, it's the first day of filming for Sherk 5. I thought we'd discussed this. They come to me for punch-ups. Usually I've just been saying no.
PLECK: Oh, this planet we're orbiting is where they're filming?
BARGIE: Yeah.
PLECK: Oh, well, hey.
DAR: I thought it was animated.
C-53: They’re making a live action sequel to the four previous animated Sherk…
PLECK: [laughing] The first four Sherk films were computer animation!
BARGIE: I’d refuse to write it if it was animation.
AJ: [happy] So it's a real Dunkey?
BARGIE: It's a real Dunkey.
AJ: Oh, that's awesome. Do you… Have you, like, hung out with... like, what's Dunkey like?
BARGIE: He's such a sweetheart. I'll set you guys up later.
AJ: Oh, great.
BARGIE: Anyway, I have to get back to my job.
AJ: This is such an awesome day. What a great day, guys!
[AJ starts swinging his tube around]
TUBE: WhhhYHHY
AJ: This rules!
PLECK: Ugh. Okay.
DAR: [sadly] AJ, out of curiosity, you can only mind wipe yourself. You can't mind wipe your loved ones, correct?
AJ: I mean, I could, like... [long pause] No, I don't think I could.
C-53: But, AJ, run this through for a second here? When you mind wipe, what do you do in your mind wipe?
AJ: Well, I stand straight and tall.
C-53: Okay, alright, straight and tall.
DAR: Mm-hmm.
AJ: Good posture is always important when it comes to mind wipes. I'll stare straight ahead, and then I...
[beat]
PLECK: And then you what?
C-53: Yeah, what are the other steps?
AJ: To what?
PLECK: Never mind.
DAR: Oh, he mind wiped himself just then.
PLECK: No, it happened already. Yeah, we missed it.
C-53: I should've seen that coming.
AJ: How's everything going? Is this a good day, or...
C-53: It's good.
PLECK: Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah.
TUBE: WhyyyYYYyyyyyy…
[communicator chimes]
C-53: Captain Dar, I have an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Negotiations Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy.
NERMUT: Hello, crew.
DAR: Hi.
PLECK: Hey, Nermut.
DAR: Nermut Bundaloy. Hello.
NERMUT: [solemnly] Today is a day unlike any other.
PLECK: Whoa, what? Really?
DAR: [despairing] See? Nermut gets it. Always on the same wavelength as Dar.
NERMUT: Totally. What are we talking about?
C-53: I think it might be something unrelated.
NERMUT: Oh. When I call, I tend to call with a...
AJ: Personal problem?
PLECK: Yeah, obnoxious digression.
NERMUT: Absolutely not. I call...
PLECK: Neurosis.
NERMUT: Come on.
C-53: Annoying song?
AJ: Oh, snivel. You're sniveling usually when you call.
NERMUT: Give me a break.
BARGIE: Notes on Sherk 5 that I will never take.
NERMUT: Bargie, some of those are good notes. I don't know. Consider them. No, I call you...
PLECK: Zaggy Boy shirt.
NERMUT: Come on. This is a new one, that’s not why I’m callin-
PLECK: Zaggy Boy dance.
NERMUT: Okay, fine. [beatboxing and dancing]
AJ: See how he's sniveling while he does it? He's sniveling.
C-53: There is a kind of annoying song going along with it too, right?
NERMUT: No, I call... I normally call with a mission.
[Missionator chimes]
PLECK: Oh. Oh, yes.
DAR: We would have guessed that eventually.
NERMUT: But today, that's not happening. You know why?
DAR: [sadly] Because you never really knew yourself? Everything you knew to be true was a lie?
PLECK: Uh...
NERMUT: No. It's because I assign missions when there are problems to solve, and right now there are none to solve.
AJ: [confused] So you just called to snivel?
NERMUT: AJ, I...
PLECK: All right, we'll hear the song, Nermut. Just play it already.
NERMUT: I'm going to put it on in the background, nice and light. It's a soft, listening, adult, contemporary kind of instrumental. [Nermut plays an instrumental] Anyway, I assign missions because there are problems to solve, and there are no problems to solve, because Seesu Gundu is up in the polls. Everyone is keeping it tight. It's so tight, it's kept. All I'm calling to say is there's no mission today. The election is three days away, and...
DAR: [breaking down] Nermut, you can't think that way. It could all go away in the blink of an eye. I mean, you have to hold on to what you have, and you have to hold on to it tightly.
PLECK: Dar, Dar, Dar. Dar..
BARGIE: Dar, you're speaking my language.
NERMUT: Why’s Dar just leaning against the wall?
C-53: Nermut, it might be good if there was a purpose to this call…
NERMUT: It's a celebration. Seesu is up in 90% of planetary polls. Her running mate, Jan, I'm sure you heard the news. It's quite a combo.
C-53: [happily] Good for Jan.
PLECK: Are you sure Jan has time to be Seesu's running mate?
NERMUT: She said that she owed it to her children to see that the galaxy was well taken care of and that she could slip it in between nap and snack.
PLECK: Oh, that's nice.
C-53: [quietly] That’s not a lot of time.
NERMUT: So this is just looking rosy.
SEESU: [yelling] Nermut!
AJ: Seesu!
NERMUT: Aha, here she is right now. Yes, Seesu, come in. I was just sharing the great news.
SEESU: We have a problem.
NERMUT: Oh. Oh, no.
SEESU: I don't want you to freak out because you are–
NERMUT: I would never.
SEESU: You tend to freak out a little bit, but Ted Ronka has created some sort of a machine--
NERMUT: He would.
SEESU: --to get rid of the Allwheat.
NERMUT: What?
SEESU: He's been building it in secret. Now it's already in place around the jucking Allwheat. Look at this.
[Seesu plays an ad]
RONKA: [recorded] And once we power this baby up, all of our troubles with the Allwheat are finito!
NERMUT: Can we rewind it or–
PLECK: [laughing] Can we start from the beginning?
AJ: Makes sense to me…
SEESU: That was it. That was it. That was all he said.
DAR: That had to be the end of the video.
NERMUT: Wait, so it's some sort of cage that goes around the Allwheat and neutralizes it? That's incredible. That's actually great news.
SEESU: [upset] Nermut, it's terrible news.
NERMUT: Oh, I--
SEESU: Just because he has some sort of a fancy gadget doesn't make him qualified to become galactic leader!
PLECK: That's a good point.
AJ: Oh, good.
NERMUT: Yes, that is so true.
C-53: Ehh… it does show a certain amount of leadership. Classic Zistarkitarn surprise. Create a lot of goodwill right before the election.
NERMUT: Juck.
SEESU: And you know what happens if he wins?
NERMUT: You lose.
SEESU: Exactly. And you know what happens if I lose?
NERMUT: What?
AJ: You're available?
SEESU: Well, I don't even want to think about it. Nermut, here's the plan. Zip up.
NERMUT: Oh, I-HrnnnnnGH! [zipping pants]
SEESU: Your crew must delay Ronka’s activation--
NERMUT: Delay.
SEESU: --of this device as soon as possible.
NERMUT: Today?
SEESU: Now yes, I am very much aware that the Allwheat, which is the prime existential threat of the galaxy needs to be destroyed. I am pro that. I have written papers on that. But–
NERMUT: Right.
SEESU: --it also means that a fake nice trillionaire in loose pants will then ruin the galaxy if he becomes its leader. Your job is to get him to hit pause.
NERMUT: Yes.
SEESU: I'm sending you those instructions now. Nermut, I put my complete trust in you.
NERMUT: That trust is not misplaced.
SEESU: You have taken Dale's cookie recipe, and you have brought it to the next level. And not many people can do that.
PLECK: [upset] Wait, you perfected the recipe, and you didn't share it with us?
NERMUT: I just--
PLECK: The last time you sent it to us, it was liquid.
NERMUT: I-- they get eaten before I can send them there. Just-- [chef’s kiss]
SEESU: Also, we found the person who we accused of being Dale's murderer was not actually guilty. So we're--
NERMUT: [nervous] Oh, good.
SEESU: --zoning in on the real killer.
NERMUT: Great.
SEESU: Great Dale news. We still love him very much.
NERMUT: Good.
SEESU: Nermut, send your team.
NERMUT: Sure.
SEESU: Great. Remember, too, everyone at the same time, keep it tight.
CREW: Keep it tight!
DAR: [groaning]
NERMUT: Group, we got a mission.
PLECK: Uh, great.
NERMUT: And we have another song. [VOCALIZING]
C-53: I don't know if it's time for a song right now.
[transition]
ROLPHUS: All right, CLINTs, you're the boss. Secure the perimeter. Let's go. [CLINTs load their guns] [PHONE RINGING]
SEESU: Hello, you've reached Seesu Gundu, future galactic leader. I'm incredibly important and very busy, but I'm listening. Please leave a message after the beep. If this is Diana, my dermatologist, you know the direct line. OK, bye bye.
ROLPHUS: Seesu. Seesu, it's me. It's Rolphus. Seesu, please pick up. I only have a few minutes before they secure the perimeter and come back. Pick up. Come on, please. [takes off helmet] Oh, I don't blame you. I don't blame you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I know you probably think I'm dead, but I survived Seesu. During the Battle of the Planet Crushers, right after we got separated, dozens of CLINTs infiltrated and swarmed the rebel outpost. I followed them through the building, picking them off one by one, crawling through air ducts, throwing them down staircases, walking barefoot over broken glass, you know. But I knew it was hopeless. I was willfully outnumbered. Until finally it hit me. Maybe, just maybe, despite looking, acting, and thinking nothing like them, maybe I could convince them I was one of them. I stole the armor off of one I dispatched in an elevator and joined the others seamlessly. The fools and their punchable faces didn't suspect a thing. I'd been living among them, getting in their heads, slowly sabotaging their operations, making sure that no matter what, they steered clear of the Zyxx Quadrant. To protect you, Seesu. To protect you and Centurion. Now, I know you're asking yourself, "How is it possible that I'm calling you now, after all this time?" The answer, Seesu, is Mint Mobile, which gives me the premium service of a big wireless provider at a fraction of the cost. In fact, I cut my wireless bill down to just 15 kroon a month by switching to Mint Mobile. You know I hate paying a wireless bill to a big wireless provider. I'm not some sort of bootlicker like [throwing voice] GK-3199! I'm a rebel, Roddammit, and I want a provider that gives me unlimited nationwide talk and text, plus crazy fast 4G LTE, and lets me keep my same phone number at all my contacts. And if I'm not satisfied, Mint Mobile has me covered with their seven-day money-back guarantee. Listen, I know I was stupid and selfish. I know I was a bad father and a worse husband. I let you down, and I let the rebellion down. But I promise you this. You can get your own new wireless plan for 15 kroon a month and ship to your door for free at mintmobile.com/zyxx. Listen to me. It's like you always used to say. “Rolphus, you sound like a jucking commercial.” But it feels good, Seesu. It feels so good to talk to you again. [sobbing] Cut your wireless bill to 15 kroon a month at mintmobile.com/zyxx! [laughing and sobbing] Laughing and crying!
[transition, the crew’s ship flies towards the ominously humming Allwheat]
PLECK: [awed] Oh my Rodd. Look at that thing. It's a lattice that wraps all the way around the Allwheat.
C-53: Pleck, have you heard anything from the Allwheat lately?
PLECK: No, I actually haven't. It's been silent.
C-53: Hmm. That's somewhat disconcerting.
AJ: Whoa, Papa. This thing could destroy the Allwheat.
PLECK: I mean, it could. I don't think–
AJ: What do you think you’ll mope about after it’s gone? [shouting] Oh!!! Cartwheel.
[AJ cartwheels]
PLECK: Stop cartwheeling.
AJ: Ya burnt!
C-53: Solid burn, AJ. Ya burnt.
PLECK: Okay, C-53, what's the plan?
C-53: Well, the good news is the plan is this. [C-53 lifts an enormous binder] Seesu sent this along, and it's spent pretty much our whole trip here printing up. It's very comprehensive.
AJ: That's a pretty thick binder.
C-53: Yeah, it's very thick. In fact I'm still sort of just getting through the-
AJ: So we hit him in the head with the binder. Got it. Let's do this.
C-53: What?
AJ: Yeah, you just, like, come up behind him and be like–
C-53: Come up behind Ted Ronka and KILL him?
AJ: Yeah, I mean, it's perfectly--
C-53: AJ, no-
AJ: If you hit him with the binder, it's going to look like something else happened, like he fell down on top of a binder and people were over him.
C-53: AJ, Seesu’s given us a very thought-out plan.
PLECK: [flipping through binder] Are these just all of Seesu's policies?
C-53: Yes, her plan involves a delicate series of conversations we'll need to have with Ted Ronka and his staff to lay out her platform and come to some sort of political truce. It may take some time for me to parse and then fully implement this plan but, after all, I'm a diplomacy droid. You might say this is what I was built for.
AJ: [slowly] You might say I was built for hitting him on the head with the binder until he died.
PLECK: AJ… We're not doing that.
[the ship stops]
PA: So here's where Bargie, I think, said to drop you off.
C-53: Yep! This looks like the base of operations here. I think we'll be just fine. Thanks a lot.
PA: Can you sign the clipboard? I have to be able to report back to the second assistant director.
C-53: Okay…
PLECK: Thanks for the ride, by the way, I know it was really out of your way.
PA: I mean, it's an honor as a PA to be able to drive such heavy hitting--
PLECK: We're not involved in the production at all.
C-53: We’re not in th-
PLECK: We were just in Bargie when she reported to set.
AJ: Hey, what was your name again?
MILFUS: Milfus Tem.
AJ: Milfus. Hey, what's Dunkey like?
MILFUS: Oh, Dunkey? [quietly] He's like an ass…?
AJ: Is he cool?
MILFUS: He’s an ass…
AJ: He's not cool? What kind of ass are you talking about?
MILFUS: He's like four legs. Um-
PLECK: AJ, that’s- Thank you, Milfus. Good luck with your career.
C-53: Drive safe.
PLECK: Look at all these sentients packed outside of the factory. Are these all Ronka supporters?
DAR: [depressed] Do any of them realize how precarious it all is?
PLECK: Dar, if you hadn't met Adelaide Wiggles, you'd still be dead on Flurp. Your bones would be decomposing on the planet's surface right now.
C-53: [annoyed] Is this helping? Is what you’re saying helping?
PLECK: I'm just saying it's all part of a bigger story. Dar, you're alive because of the adventures we've all gone on together.
C-53: Yeah, well, but Pleck also shot you in the brain because of the adventures that we went on.
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: Right.
C-53: It's not untrue.
PLECK: It’s true…
DAR: If I had never, in fact, joined up.
MICHELLE: [chipper] Hey there, y'all like Ted Ronka too?
PLECK: Oh, wow, look at those Zi-Ball caps.
DAR: Wow.
RONKA SUPPORTER: Mine says Ted or Dead. Get it?
PLECK: I guess so.
C-53: That’s a very aggressive stance.
MICHELLE: If he becomes the leader of the universe, he's going to make shrimp for free for everybody.
PLECK: Is that one of his platform positions?
MICHELLE: No, but we're hoping he'll add it.
DAR: I'd like to ask you a question. Do you really think if Ted Ronka doesn't win, you'd rather be dead?
RONKA SUPPORTER: Oh, I don't know. We rhyme-
PLECK: Yeah, when you say Ted or Dead, do you mean you would die from disappointment or you'd kill yourself or you think that the leader would lead the galaxy to ruin?
RONKA SUPPORTER: Geez, you're asking a lot of questions we didn't ask ourselves when we made the hat.
MICHELLE: Here's a hat for yourself.
PLECK: I'm not going to wear this.
AJ: Oh great! Thank you. I'll put on my helmet. [AJ squeezes it on]
PLECK: AJ… I can't believe that even fits.
AJ: It's just like one of those straps at the back. Huh, are these people here for Ronka too because they seem way angrier than the other guys?
PLECK: Yeah, I think these guys are protesters, not supporters.
C-53: Perhaps, you know, like we do, they prefer a different candidate.
ZEALOT: [screaming] If Ted Ronka deactivates the Allwheat, how will it eat me?
[a group of angry zealots begins screaming]
C-53: Ah. Okay, so what we have here are some death cults. They crave death. Specifically from the Allwheat.
ZEALOT: Burn me!
ZEALOT: Death!
DAR: That actually says Ted for Dead.
C-53: Yeah, they seem to want everyone to die, including Ted.
PLECK: Ugh, all right.
DAR: [deadened] Well, who am I to argue? I've been marching in my own death for years now.
ZEALOT: Jealous!
PLECK: Eugh, bleak. Yikes.
C-53: Yeah, we're not going to be doing any kind of marching with crowds this thick. Plus, how are we supposed to delay Ted Ronka without access to his factory?
AJ: [determined] Give me the binder. We're going to clear a path.
C-53: AJ, put the binder down.
PLECK: [laughing] You're going to clear a path with the binder, AJ?
AJ: Yeah, just… swing it around.
[another character enters, yelling]
KALIPAR: Down with plastic!
C-53: [to AJ] Not great PR for the campaign...
KALIPAR: Down with plastic!
[Kalipar grabs AJ’s armor and pulls]
AJ: Sir, please take your hands off my armor, sir. [loads gun]
KALIPAR: I need to throw it away. It needs to be destroyed.
AJ: No, no, it's mine.
PLECK: What?
AJ: No, no, it’s mine!
C-53: Oh, see, now? This guy here, I don't think he has anything to do with the death cults or pro or anti Ronka, his sign just says “get rid of plastic.”
AJ: My armor's not totally plastic. [brushes Kalipar off] You can, like, lay off of me.
KALIPAR: You ever hear of the mines of Nardar?
C-53: Oh, sure thing. Famous, uh, yeah, plastic mines.
PLECK: Plastic mines?
KALIPAR: The plastic mines of Nardar. I've toiled there for hundreds of years.
PLECK: Whoa.
C-53: Wow.
KALIPAR: Only last week did I see starlight for the first time, when I managed to escape.
C-53: Wow, uh…
AJ: [confused] So why do you not like plastic? You know, like, what?
PLECK: AJ, that's kind of obvious.
AJ: What? He was around it all the time. You'd think he'd like it.
KALIPAR: It's all I smelled. It's all I ate. It's all I bathed in.
PLECK: [laughing] Wait, you ate plastic?
KALIPAR: It's all we had in the mines. So I had to adapt my gut organisms to digest plastics.
AJ: Sounds like you–
KALIPAR: Otherwise I would die.
AJ: Sounds like you liked it because it was your food. You know what I mean?
PLECK: [annoyed] Okay, AJ, why would that be true?
AJ: I don't know. If I'm eating something, I'm like, "I like it."
PLECK: That's not what preferences are.
AJ: Oh, okay. Hey, my name's AJ. What's yours?
KALIPAR: My name is Kalipar.
AJ: Okay.
PLECK: Kalipar, hey, listen, I'm so sorry. You were in a mine for how long, did you say?
KALIPAR: Hundreds and hundreds of years, there's no way of knowing.
C-53: That’s so long…
AJ: [matter-of-factly] So why didn't you just leave? You know what I mean?
PLECK: AJ.
AJ: What? What?
PLECK: Are you familiar with forced labor?
AJ: I mean--
KALIPAR: I was in chains.
AJ: Oh.
KALIPAR: Plastic chains.
AJ: Plastic chains.
KALIPAR: I had to eat my way out, then run away.
AJ: How long did you know how to eat plastic? Wouldn't you just eat the chain pretty early on?
C-53: AJ, you weren’t there-
PLECK: AJ, I think you need to leave this guy alone. He's been through a lot.
C-53: Clearly, this gentleman went through quite a deal.
PLECK: Listen, Kalipar, I'm sorry, what problem do you have with Ted Ronka that you're here–
KALIPAR: Ted Ronka? Ted Ronka, the owner of Joyful Toys, Incorporated?
C-53: Oh, that is one of Ronka's many subsidiary companies, yeah.
KALIPAR: They make action figures of the Geriatric Gal Pals. You ever hear of that program?
AJ: I love the Geriatric–
PLECK: I mean, I've seen ads for them in TheyTeen I guess, but-
AJ: [excited] They rule. They totally rule! [singing] We're old, but we're also kicking butt! What? You guys not watch it?
C-53: That’s the theme song.
PLECK: I mean, I guess, AJ, you're six. You're sort of in the demographic.
AJ: Yeah, I love them. Gotta catch them all.
KALIPAR: I heard that song every time I pressed on their bellies. Those toys would go off and sing that song, and it drove me mad.
PLECK: Wait, you mined the plastic, and you also made the action figures?
KALIPAR: They were pre-made.
PLECK: You mined the fully formed action figures?
KALIPAR: That's right.
PLECK: I guess I don't understand what plastic mining is like. Can you explain how the process works?
KALIPAR: Nardar is a former garbage dump. They went extinct, these Nardarians, because they created a consumer culture where all they made was action figures to be collected. And, y’know, with erosion, the dirt covered the plastic piles, and it's our job to dig them out.
AJ: Okay.
C-53: Yeah, the irony is that Geriatric Gal Pals is a very old show on Nardar, but to us is quite new.
PLECK: Right, and I guess Joyful Toy Company is more of a repurposing corporation. They use existing–
C-53: Sort of an upcycling of old Nardarian action figures.
AJ: [excited] You get to dig in the dirt and find action figures? That sounds amazing. Don't you think, Captain Dar? Just digging around, picking out action figures and finding them?
PLECK: Wait, where is Dar?
C-53: Hmm. They seem to have wandered off.
PLECK: I guess they have a lot on their mind.
AJ: So, like, is it like a shovel in a pail situation, or are you just using your hands? Like, it sounds like you were having some fun for hundreds of years, in my opinion.
KALIPAR: I don't think you get who I am as a person.
AJ: [contemplative] Huh, maybe.
PLECK: [laughing] Kalipar, I think that's an absolutely fair assessment.
[transition, Dar is sitting motionless in a crowd of zealots]
ZEALOT A: [awed] So, you were dead, and now you're not dead?
DAR: [deadened] Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
ZEALOT A: That's awesome.
DAR: Awesome?
ZEALOT A: [shouting] Hey, everybody! They were dead and they're not dead anymore!
[Zealots begin to crowd around Dar, all clamoring]
ZEALOT B: We found one! We found one!
ZEALOT C: They are one of the anointed ones.
ZEALOT D: What was it like? Explain the moment of your death to us.
ZEALOT C: Was it as pure and perfect and flavorful as we could think?
ZEALOT E: [shouting] We're really into it!
DAR: Isn't it weird that you and all your friends look exactly alike?
ZEALOTS: No.
ZEALOT E: No, it's very normal.
ZEALOT D: We go to the same spa.
ZEALOT A: And when we sacrifice ourselves to the Allwheat, we shall look identical in death as well.
ZEALOT F: Would you pay us the honor of holding our sign which says "Ronka for Death"?
[Zealot F hands off sign to Dar]
ZEALOT A: Not to be confused with "Ted for Death." That is a competing death cult.
ZEALOT B: Also, not to be confused with "Ted or Dead," the pro-Ronka slogan.
ZEALOT C: And not to be confused with "Sherk 4 Dead," which is about the movie "Sherk 4" and how it's connected to death in different ways.
ZEALOT A: [conspiratorially] If you watch it in black and white and in reverse, and you play the unreleased Beetleman record, there are certain moments in "Sherk 4" that you will see that are definitely…
ZEALOT D: Ding, ding! Everyone, we need to let them speak!
ZEALOT E: Share your words of wisdom.
KNOW-NADA: [speaking into microphone] Even the Know-Nadas are listening!
KNOW-NADA ZEALOT: [quiet yell] With our ears covered!
DAR: Um... well... I... am still processing how I feel about this.
[the Zealots are delighted]
ZEALOT B: Processing, marvelous!
ZEALOT A: Surely you have a recollection of the moment when your life left your body.
DAR: In fact, I feel like I watched it all from underneath the willows.
ZEALOT A: Oh, yes! Yes!
ZEALOT B: Anointed one, the willows you watched from, was that some sort of other dimension that we might attain through worship of you?
ZEALOT A: A liminal space between life and death.
DAR: We were... in the Zyxx Quadrant.
ZEALOT B: That's where we are now!
ZEALOT A: It's all part of-- it all makes sense!
ZEALOT C: It’s a perfect circle! It's all happening.
[transition]
AJ: Kalipar, with these mines, did you, like, put in an application, or did you know somebody there, or, like, had to get the job?
KALIPAR: I was born into it.
AJ: Well, it must be nice.
KALIPAR: In the depths of the mines.
AJ: Must be nice.
C-53: [sad] Kalipar, I'm so sorry.
KALIPAR: It's all I ever knew.
AJ: So you're good at it.
C-53: AJ, not everyone who is, you know, doing a particular job necessarily likes doing a job.
AJ: Okay, well, do you like doing your job?
C-53: Me?
AJ: Yeah.
C-53: Sure.
AJ: I like doing my job.
C-53: Okay, but what I’m saying is, Kalipar? Did you enjoy mining for action figures?
KALIPAR: I did not.
C-53: Okay, see, yes, this is sort of what I'm talking about.
AJ: But two to one, do you know what I mean?
C-53: It’s… AJ, no. Well, Kalipar , since you got out of the mines, surely you must have had some sort of positive experience out in the wider galaxy.
PLECK: Yeah, wasn't it good to get out of the mines? I don't know, eat real food again? Food that's not plastic, you know?
KALIPAR: I tried eating other foods, and they just rocketed back out.
PLECK: [laughing] Oh no.
C-53: Oh, wow, rocketed.
AJ: Front or back?
KALIPAR: Both ends.
PLECK: AJ, this is not important at all.
AJ: It matters! It matters!
KALIPAR: It's okay. This I'm okay talking about.
C-53: Okay, alright.
PLECK: [laughs]
KALIPAR: Rocketed out of both ends.
PLECK: Wow.
C-53: Ironically, you adapted your own digestive system to eat plastic in the first place.
KALIPAR: That's right.
PLECK: Y’know, Kalipar, maybe if you just put your mind to it, you can kind of unadapt, you know?
KALIPAR: I don't think so. I mean, there are things I regret about adapting my body to certain situations. One of them being having less teeth, but bigger teeth.
PLECK: [laughing] Wait, what?
C-53: Yeah, I was gonna say, you only got those four teeth.
KALIPAR: Yes.
PLECK: They're enormous. They're the size of my hand.
KALIPAR: They used to be the size of fingertips, and I used to have 40 of them.
C-53: Mm. You kind of consolidated.
KALIPAR: Yes, in width.
C-53: So, Kalipar, you adapted to rapidly evolve as a defense against harmful surroundings.
KALIPAR: That's correct. I cannot smell flowers.
C-53: [sympathetic] Oh, Kalipar…
PLECK: How would that ever have harmed you?
KALIPAR: I was allergic.
PLECK: To all flowers?
KALIPAR: All flowers. Anything with pollen.
PLECK: You can't smell them, but certainly the allergy is still there, right?
KALIPAR: No, I've purged all the olfactory receptors.
PLECK: Whoa.
C-53: So you can't smell at all?
KALIPAR: Yes, but that includes flowers.
PLECK: Oh no. But everything else. Everything else!
C-53: Seems like you gave up a lot for that allergy…
KALIPAR: Well, can't go back now. My DNA only goes in one direction when it adapts.
C-53: Oh, that’s such a shame it only goes in the one direction!
PLECK: Well, I mean, if nothing else, it's got to be a relief to be free of the mines, right?
KALIPAR: Once I left the planet, I found that most equipment was made out of plastic.
C-53: It's a lot of plastic.
PLECK: It's a common material.
AJ: Oh, yeah. Yummy!
PLECK: AJ…
KALIPAR: So I had to make it my mission to rid plastic wherever I went, so this can never happen to anyone else.
C-53: There's a certain emotional logic and dare I say… nobility to that quest.
KALIPAR: As soon as all the plastic in the universe is destroyed, I will be able to move on with my life.
PLECK: That's a tall order…
C-53: It's just a lot to put on yourself…
PLECK: Yeah. In the universe, that's a lot of plastic.
AJ: Having a goal’s good though.
C-53: Yes, AJ, but objectively, all the plastic in the universe is-
AJ: Kalipar, I feel like you and I, since we've vibed a little bit, I have a suggestion for you.
PLECK: AJ, faulty premise.
C-53: Careful.
AJ: [hushed] What if you ate it? Every last piece of plastic in the universe.
C-53: Kalipar, we apologize…
PLECK: Yeah. Listen.
KALIPAR: What was that? Did I hear the wind just now?
AJ: Oh! [takes off helmet and yells] What if you ate it?
PLECK: AJ.
KALIPAR: [confused] I don't.
AJ: He looks mad.
KALIPAR: I don't hear anything right now.
AJ: He looks mad at me.
C-53: Oh, he’s-
PLECK: Wait, Kalipar, have you adapted to tuning out every word that AJ says to you?
KALIPAR: It appears that I have. My body is highly adaptable.
C-53: Kalipar, I sorta have to side with your DNA on this one.
PLECK: Hey, is that, is that Dar over there standing on top of that bus?
[crowd of zealots cheering]
DAR: [announcing grandly] And then of course I knew I was dead.
ZEALOT A: Now speak right into this, please.
DAR: Okay, thank you. And then, oh, wow.
ZEALOT F: Oh, we can hear them.
ZEALOT B: Their message extends towards the heavens.
ZEALOT C: You've united all of our differences!
ZEALOT D: It's loud.
ZEALOT C: Continue!
DAR: Oh, okay, sure. Sorry. I want to be respectful of all of you chanting and praising me, but we can kind of go back and forth on this one, like... Okay. Yeah, this feels good. Yeah.
ZEALOTS: [chanting] DAR! DAR! DAR! DAR! DAR! DAR!
ZEALOT B: We praise you Dar!
ZEALOT A: Shower us with your wisdom!
ZEALOT B: Annihilate us with your wisdom!
ZEALOT E: We are here! Thousands of us marshal to your cause.
TOOTHA: I, Tootha Pew Pew, grant you my devotees.
ZEALOT B: What would you wish of us, Dar?
ZEALOT C: For minutes now we have followed you!
[transition]
C-53: Pleck, it's a bit uncouth, but I think I could use my loader droid arms and, you know, make us a pathway that would let us get closer to the device.
KALIPAR: You mean the enormous structure made almost entirely of plastic?
C-53: Uh... maybe?
PLECK: Wait, he made it out of plastic?
KALIPAR: A non-magnetic substance...
C-53: Oh! Of course.
KALIPAR: ...can be steered, instead of being influenced by any electromagnetism.
C-53: [impressed] Oh, I have to give it up for Ronka, that's actually an ingenious design. Kalipar, how do you know this much about Ronka's device?
KALIPAR: Perhaps I... Helped build it…
C-53: What?
PLECK: Wait, okay, did you help build it?
KALIPAR: Perhaps. Most of the exterior of the cage is action figures of the Geriatric Gal Pals.
C-53: Wait wait, now.
PLECK: [laughing] Wait, wait, wait, that can't be right.
KALIPAR: Yes.
AJ: [envious] Whoa! Like, collector's items or just regular ones? Like, what are we talking about here?
KALIPAR: They're all special editions.
AJ: No!
KALIPAR: With pinching action.
AJ: Oh, no, not the pinching action! They get your cheeks!
KALIPAR: Yes, I set up a chain reaction in such a way that once I start the pinching, they'll pinch down the line.
C-53: Waitasecond.
AJ: Oh no!
KALIPAR: They'll eventually pinch one of the thrusters so that it's very slightly, infinitesimally off-center.
C-53: Oh my Rodd.
PLECK: And that would spin the entire cage off-balance and immediately implode into the Allwheat.
KALIPAR: Yes.
C-53: You're going to sabotage a device that could destroy the Allwheat? That might destroy the whole galaxy.
KALIPAR: It's a risk I'm willing to take if it means the end of plastic.
C-53: Wow. This guy is a committed activist.
AJ: So, we're talking about, like, all the figures. Is Ninja Bonnie, like, uh...
PLECK: I think so, I think so, I do.
C-53: AJ…
AJ: Is that one of them?
PLECK: Yeah, gotta be.
AJ: This is a special edition, you guys. Like, Bonnie's not usually in a ninja costume. Like, it's good.
C-53: AJ, just table this for five seconds.
AJ: Fine.
PLECK: Kalipar, we're sorry for AJ.
KALIPAR: Was AJ just speaking?
PLECK: Yeah.
[music starts playing and Ronka walks onto the stage of the center, proudly showing off the device]
C-53: Oh, no, what's happening?
AJ: I told you we should have taken him out.
C-53: AJ.
RONKA: Well, hey there, everyone. Nice looking crowd out there. Thanks for your patience. I know it's been kind of a long wait, too. Thank you, everybody. We are now at go time! We are going to turn this sucker on, and the Allwheat is going to be all-beat!
[Pleck’s vision slowly fades into the humming of the All wheat. It grows louder and louder]
PLECK: [screaming]
ALLWHEAT: [Beano and the Emperor overlaid] Yes. Yes. Yes. The final phase nears. The last ingredient is about to be sent out to us. He doesn’t know what he’s doing…
PLECK: Final phase? Last ingredient? [horrified] Oh my Rodd…. It's the device. C-53, the device is the last ingredient. It's exactly what the Allwheat wants!
C-53: [concerned] Listen, Pleck, you gotta stop going on BeanoKnew, I don't think that's good stuff for you to read, It's just conspiracy theories.
PLECK: [frantic] No, I know I talk about it a lot, but Beano knew that this device was going to be made, and he knew that it was going to activate the Allwheat.
C-53: Pleck…
PLECK: No, listen, listen, just listen to me. Kalipar is right. We have to destroy the device.
C-53: Well, he's-- you know, he's not wrong that we're perhaps a little cavalier about our use of plastic in the galaxy, but plastic is a useful material.
PLECK: That’s not what I’m talking about!
AJ: Hey, guys, should we be worried that the death cults are kind of getting riot-y and stuff?
[transition, the zealots are all frantically scrabbling at Dar]
ZEALOT B: What do you mean you're leaving? You can't leave us. You're the one true leader.
DAR: No, I'm not sure that I want to be a leader. I kind of have this other thing, and I have Horsehat and--
ZEALOT D: What do I have to do to make you stay?
ZEALOT B: Dar, we can give you anything you want!
ZEALOT E: We'll do anything!
ZEALOT F: Without you, we'll just turn into chaos!
ZEALOT A: Don't listen to them. I alone will follow you!
FIRE ZEALOT: Is this what you want? [lights self on fire] I'll do this!
ZEALOT G: I’ll dance so weird! [dances so weird]
ZEALOT E: I'll hit him. [punch]
MICHELLE: I'll give up shrimp for you. Shrimp means nothing to me anymore!
ZEALOT B: I'll turn over this speeder for you! [overturns speeder]
ZEALOT A: These others offer weak things. I offer my own life! [shoots self in stomach]
ZEALOT D: I'll turn that speeder back over. [underturns speeder]
ZEALOT B: No, I--
ZEALOT F: I'll give mouth to mouth to the guy who killed himself! [blowing]
ZEALOT A: [coughing]
ZEALOT F: Saved him.
ZEALOT B: What was it like?
ZEALOT A: [grabs microphone and announces] I stood between life and death, able to observe both at the same time.
ZEALOT: Ohhhhh!
ZEALOT B: I can turn the speeder over again.
ZEALOT F: Tell us, tell us, were there willows?
ZEALOT A: Oh, far larger willows.
MICHELLE: Was there--
ZEALOT D: Larger than Dar’s?
MICHELLE: [hesitantly] Was there shrimp?
ZEALOT A: Shrimp as far as the eye can see.
MICHELLE: [delighted] Oh! Sweet shrimp!
ZEALOT D: All hail this guy!
MICHELLE: I knew it! Melissa, you laughed at me.
ZEALOT LEADER: Dar’s followers, you are now this guy's followers.
KNOW-NADA LEADER: Know-Nadas I say, turn the other cheek towards this guy!
KNOW-NADA A: Yes, we will follow you! Yes, everyone!
KNOW-NADA B: That sounds better.
DAR: I guess I'm going to just see myself out.
[Dar slowly strolls out]
ZEALOT A: Yeah, sure, that's fine. Have a good one.
MICHELLE: Goodbye!
ZEALOT LEADER: Yes, don't let the door hit you.
MICHELLE: Take a pin. Don't forget to take a pin!
[transition]
PLECK: [pacing and repeating] I have to stop it. I have to stop it.
[communicator buzzes]
NERMUT: Come in, C-53, calling for a status report! Captain Dar is not picking up.
PLECK: What do I do, what do I do?
C-53: Not great, Nermut. Ronka is activating the device momentarily, we were unable to reach him in time.
NERMUT: What? You were supposed to delay it.
KALIPAR: It is time for me to fulfill my destiny-
NERMUT: Who’s that guy?
KALIPAR: -to go up there and press the limited edition diamond gal pal.
AJ: [upset] What?! You got a diamond gal pal up there?
NERMUT: Those are hard to find.
KALIPAR: As you can see, I have a homemade wagon rocket.
PLECK: Wow.
C-53: This should not fly.
NERMUT: It looks like a coffin with a furnace on the back.
KALIPAR: It's all wood, including the nails.
C-53: Honestly, Kalipar, that's hard to do.
KALIPAR: The wagon rocket, it has enough oxygen for one trip to the Allwheat. Just one trip down to the molecule, I've measured it.
C-53: Incredible engineering.
KALIPAR: There's only one seat in there, and once it gets up there, pull on that gal pal handbag.
AJ: Yes.
DAR: Hi, team. What did I miss?
C-53: Dar! Well, to be perfectly honest, kind of a lot. But how are you? Are you alright?
DAR: [accepting] You know, pretty good, actually. I, uh, I was just a cult sensation there for a bit.
AJ: Oh, awesome. Did you do, like, rituals and things like that?
DAR: Yeah, you know, they kind of helped me accelerate through all the phases of processing my death. And, well, now I'm just in acceptance. So.
C-53: That actually sounds positive!
AJ: But did you do, like, rituals or what?
DAR: There were rituals, yes.
AJ: Oh, yeah, awesome. Okay, great.
[Kalipar’s rocket takes flight!]
KALIPAR: What the?
C-53: Oh, uh….
AJ: So you're not in it right now and it's taking off?
C-53: Oh, Kalipar, I'm so sorry. it must have been misfired or something.
AJ: Yeah, Papa, you got to admit, this is -- Uh.
C-53: Where’s Pleck?
AJ: Papa?
KALIPAR: Wait…
AJ: Pleck?
C-53: Oh no.
AJ: Whoa. He just disappeared!
C-53: No, AJ…
AJ: What? Oh, okay, no, he didn't.
C-53: [exasperated] No, I'm almost certain he's on that rocket, headed toward the Allwheat like a big, dumb idiot.
DAR: You let him near a rocket ship?
AJ: Was that a –
C-53: It wasn’t our IDEA.
AJ: I was against it. I was totally against it.
C-53: AJ, what are you TALKING about?
DAR: Why weren't any of you monitoring him? We all know that he's been dying to launch himself into the Allwheat!
NERMUT: He did mention it.
C-53: You know, you say it out loud, and it's obviously true, but I just wasn't thinking of it in the moment.
KALIPAR: He took my dream away.
AJ: Oh.
KALIPAR: I think I'm going to go back to the mines.
C-53: Oh, Kalipar…. Oh. No… don’t-
AJ: Well, all you can eat, so not bad.
C-53: AJ… shut up.
[transition]
BARGIE: All right, I've been sent by the director to calm you down because we have an existing relationship. Why aren't you going on set?
DUNKEY: [braying]
BARGIE: No, they're jealous of you, Dunkey. They like you, but they're jealous of you.
DUNKEY: [braying]
BARGIE: That's different. Hey, let me tell you something. The Sherk franchise has nothing to do with Sherk. Dunkey, you are the franchise. You are the reason these movies are made. You're the merch. You're the voice people hear at restaurants-
DUNKEY: [braying]
BARGIE: Yes, I did kill you in my first draft. That is correct. You're the one who can carry a death scene. You're not going to just close your eyes and fall. You're going to feel it. You're going to become it, and you're going to make it stretch out for at least five scenes.
DUNKEY: [braying]
BARGIE: I was thinking it starts off with you taking your own life, and then it continues on for the rest of the movie.
DUNKEY: [braying]
BARGIE: I agree. Go walk out there and tell them you want to do that version of the script.
DUNKEY: [braying]
BARGIE: All right, good luck. I don't know if that will make them like you, anymore, if that was the original point of this conversation?
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53, Ted Ronka, and the resurrected cultist were played by Jeremy Bent. Captain Dar and the Know-Nada cult leader were played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the ship, Seesu Gundu, Tootha Pew Pew, and the shrimp lady were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. TEENMOM Nermut Bundeloy, Milfus the PA, and the Ted or Dead guy were played by Seth Lind. AJ and the Allwheat were played by Winston Noel. Kalipar was played by special guest Nathan Vinn. Nathan is a writer, actor, and stand-up based in New York City. He recently wrote for Adult Swim's Joe Pera Talks With You. You can find out more about him at NathanVinn.com. This episode was edited by Seth Lind and Alden Ford, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra, with additional performance by the Chime Street Brass Quintet. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.
HELEN: Hey, Jay Keith.
JAY: Hey, Helen. Hey, you've got another true/false quiz for me?
HELEN: Yep. Our trivia podcast, Go Fact Yourself, used to be in front of a live audience.
JAY: True. Turns out that's not so safe anymore.
HELEN: Correct! Next, unfortunately, this means we can no longer record the show.
JAY: False. The show still comes out every first and third Friday of the month.
HELEN: Correct! Finally, we still have great celebrity guests answering trivia about things they love on every episode of Go Fact Yourself.
JAY: Definitely true.
HELEN: And for bonus points, name some of them.
JAY: Recently we've had Ophira Eisenberg, plus tons of surprise experts like Yeardley Smith and Suzanne Somers.
HELEN: Perfect score!
JAY: Woohoo!
HELEN: You can hear Go Fact Yourself every first and third Friday of the month, with all the great guests and trivia that we've always had. And if you don't listen, well then you can Go Fact Yourself!
JAY: That's the name of our podcast.
HELEN: Correct!
JAY: Woohoo!
TERESA: Shmanners. Noun. Definition. Rules of etiquette designed not to judge others, but rather to guide ourselves through everyday social situations.
TRAVIS: Hello internet, I'm your husband host, Travis McElroy.
TERESA: And I'm your wife host, Teresa McElroy.
TRAVIS: Every week on Shmanners, we take a look at a topic that has to do with society or manners, we talk about the history of it, we take a look at how it applies to everyday life, and we take some of your questions. And sometimes we do a biography about a really cool person that had an impact on how we view etiquette. So join us every Friday and listen to Shmanners on MaximumFun.org or wherever podcasts are found.
TERESA: Manners, shmanners. Get it?
MAXIMUM FUN: MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.
SETH: We're almos-
ALDEN: No, no!
NATHAN: I'm sorry, I can't control my hands.
JEREMY: That's okay.
NATHAN: They're going to choke you out.
JEREMY: No!
NATHAN: Why won't you Geriatric Gal Pals just die already?
JEREMY: Well, hey, if you watch the show, they [choking] have superpowers that keep them alive for a preternaturally long amount of time.
MOUJAN: We're four best friends, but our hips are turnt.
NATHAN: Down with plastic. I have had it.
SETH: Walking in the mall and solving crime!
MOUJAN: Taking a nap right at 3:09!