508: Three Men and a Flower Baby [ft. Edi Patterson]
A distress call compels the crew to investigate some new technuhllojay. Bargie butts up. Dar and Nermut take a solo. AJ stings from the chandelier.
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[orchestral main theme music begins]
NARRATOR: Space. Some is chill. Some is tooped up. All is part of the great, infinite, cosmic ballet. The venerable starship, the RSS Synergy, forges ever deeper into uncharted regions of their galaxy, growing the Coalition Of United Planets in the name of science, benevolence, and peace. Now, Lead Envoy C-53 and his intrepid crew explore new worlds, forge alliances, and search for a way back home to finally fulfill their… Mission to Zyxx.
[theme music comes to a climax, then fades out]
BARGIE: Hey Pleck?
PLECK: Yeah, what is it, Bargie?
BARGIE: I just, uh, wanted to thank you for that little gift you left me.
PLECK: Oh! Hey, no problem. I saw it in the—in the Synergy gift shop and it reminded me of you.
SYROCK BOBBLEHEAD: [wobbling] Engage!
BARGIE: …What is it?
PLECK: Bargie… I thought—
BARGIE: I just—I don't understand what it is, but I still appreciate you giving it to me.
PLECK: It's a bobblehead of the captain of the Synergy! [Pleck taps the bobblehead]
SYROCK BOBBLEHEAD: Make it so!
PLECK: Captain Syrock!
BARGIE: And you thought I would like this—again, I'm very happy that you did, and I appreciate it, and I know it was a act of kindness, but… why?
PLECK: Because it's—it's our—it's the captain of the Synergy. He's like the—the main guy. [Pleck taps the bobblehead again]
SYROCK BOBBLEHEAD: Maximum warp!
PLECK: I know we've never met him. He's always off doing his own missions, but he's a big deal.
C-53: Yes, Captain Syrock is actually the only COUP cadet to ever successfully navigate the Hikaru Simulation, a notoriously difficult COUP training procedure.
PLECK: That sounds like gibberish, but it—it’s heroic gibberish, for sure.
C-53: Well, just know that many captain cadets flame out after that particular simulation.
PLECK: Oh, what?
C-53: Yeah, drop out of the program entirely, start an art collective.
PLECK: Wow.
BARGIE: Who is this?
[door opens]
AJ: Guys, check it out. [taps another bobblehead]
SYROCK BOBBLEHEAD: Engage!
AJ: Look at it go!
SYROCK BOBBLEHEAD: Make it so!
BARGIE: Oh, you got the same gift for everybody?
PLECK: Yeah. Yeah, they were on sale.
C-53: Well—
PLECK: I mean, it's post money, so they—you just go and take ‘em.
SYROCK BOBBLEHEAD: [wobbling] Maximum warp!
BARGIE: …Who is that?
PLECK: Bargie…
[sound of incoming transmission]
C-53: Crew, I have an incoming transmission from... [C-53 taps a key] Envoy Dar?
[call connects]
PLECK: What—what?
DAR: [over comms] That's right, babyyy.
PLECK: Oh, hey, Dar!
AJ: Whoa, twist?
C-53: Dar, what—
PLECK: What's up?
C-53: What are you doing?
DAR: [cryptically] What am I doing, what am I doing? What is Dar up to? Everyone is asking the question.
C-53: Oh, you're really milkin’ this call.
PLECK: Dar, are you in Nermut's office right now?
DAR: Well, yeah, of course I am. Did none of you realize I wasn't on Bargie?
PLECK: We were—we were about to realize it, I think. We were probably right on the—
C-53: Eh, we were… we were kind of in a bobblehead conversation, uh...
PLECK: Yeah, we—
DAR: You were in a bobblehead conversation?
AJ: Look. [taps bobblehead]
SYROCK BOBBLEHEAD: Engage!
NERMUT: Oh, by the way, thanks, Pleck! Thanks.
PLECK: Hey, no problem!
NERMUT’S SYROCK BOBBLEHEAD: Make it so!
BARGIE: I knew you were gone, but I also respect your independence and the fact you can go wherever you want, whenever you want.
DAR: Thanks, Bargie, I appreciate it.
PLECK: Yeah, I think we all feel that way.
DAR: No, Pleck, you cannot cheat off of Bargie's test!
PLECK: [laughing] What’re you—what are you up to, Dar?
DAR: What could Dar be doing on their own, solo…
AJ: Solo?
C-53: [accusingly] Dar, you wouldn't dare do a solo mission.
PLECK: Oh, you had a real problem with C-53's solo mission last time, so you wouldn't—
AJ: Oh, masturbating. That's what I bet it is.
C-53: [laughing] AJ!
PLECK: [laughing] Oh, that actually probably is what it is.
DAR: Yes, I do typically like to do that at least two times a day. However—
PLECK: And you do refer to it as a solo mission, usually.
BARGIE: And then you always say, "Mission accomplished!"
C-53: And you have that big banner that spills out behind you.
PLECK: Yeah, flops down.
DAR: Yeah, so—no, this is a different solo mission. [smugly] Pew pew pew pew pew, owww!
PLECK: What!?
C-53: Wait a minute, wait a minute…
PLECK: Wait, Dar, you were actually on a—a non-masturbatory solo mission?
DAR: Yes!
PLECK: What the toop, Dar!
C-53: But Dar, you're with Nermut!
NERMUT: Yeah!
C-53: That can't be a solo mission.
DAR: Well, Nermut said it was a solo mission, so… it's a solo mission.
NERMUT: I will be on the solo mission with Dar. I gotta see this solo mission in person, I'm gonna be there every step of the way.
DAR: [aside, to Nermut] You told me this was a solo mission.
NERMUT: It is!
DAR: You said this was Dar's moment to shine.
NERMUT: I know! It is our… solo mission—
PLECK: Hey guys, hey guys, I'm sorry to interrupt whatever this is turning into, but do we have a mission, Nermut?
NERMUT: Oh, yes, sorry! Actually, Dar, can I just cut in here for one second? [skittering noises] If I could just borrow the chair?
DAR: [miffed] I was the one who called, but fine, sure.
NERMUT: Um, so you need to go on a very important rescue mission! Do you remember how, um, Bargie was being, uh—
BARGIE: That's me!
NERMUT: Uh, yes. Being queried by scientists about her sentience and stuff?
PLECK/C-53/AJ: Uh…/Yes, yeah, okay./Oh… yeah.
BARGIE: Yes, for autographs, I did a couple pictures.
NERMUT: Um, so, apparently, actually, Bargie was a very import—
BARGIE: That's me!
NERMUT: …A very important consultant in the construction of this galaxy's first sentient spaceships!
C-53: Wow!
PLECK: Hey, congratulations!
NERMUT: Well, there's kind of an immediate distress call coming from one of the first ones that was deployed, so… yeah. Um—
C-53: Oh… That's—hmm.
PLECK: Uh… Okay, wow. Not great.
BARGIE: What'd I do?
PLECK: So wait, just to clarify, Nermut, you're sending us on a rescue mission without our largest, strongest crew member.
NERMUT: Uh, yeah, this happens to be the day when Dar and I are going on a solo mission, so yes, but you'll be fine.
DAR: It can't be a solo mission if we're doing it together.
PLECK: Dar, no matter what happens on this rescue mission, I hope you realize what we all realized last mission, which is that we're better as a team.
DAR: Listen, I agree, we're better as a team, we should never separate. Unless, of course, I am offered a solo mission…
PLECK: Ohhh… Dar, you…
C-53: Oof. Dar…
PLECK: Ooh…
DAR: In which case, I just absolutely can't resist—
C-53: Ice cold.
DAR: My ego is too large—
C-53: Ice cold, Dar!
NERMUT: [unzipping something] I got us matching jackets.
DAR: You can't have matching jackets on a solo mission!
NERMUT: No, we definitely—they definitely—look at ‘em.
DAR: You can’t be matching when you're supposed to be doing it alone.
NERMUT: They definitely match.
PLECK: Okay, guys, good luck, then. Hope we don't die.
NERMUT: Huh?
PLECK: Goodbye.
[end transmission sound]
[brief pause]
BARGIE: Oh, wait, the captain of the Synergy!
PLECK: Yes.
BARGIE: Ohhhhh!
PLECK: Bargie, who did you think I was talking about?
BARGIE: Oh, what was their name again?
PLECK: Captain Syrock.
BARGIE: …Who’s that?
PLECK: Never—you know what? It's not… it’s not worth—
BARGIE: Who are you?
PLECK: Oh boy.
AJ: Oh, it's the captain of the Synergy!
PLECK: Yes, AJ!
C-53: Wow, after Bargie.
[Pleck laughs quietly]
BARGIE: What?
SYROCK BOBBLEHEAD: Engage!
[transition music]
[door opens, people shushing each other]
O’DOUL: [in a Themm accent that maybe had an affair with a Scotsman once] Well, ensigns. Congratulations. You've made it through COUP Academy, and now you're here in the Synergy's engine room, ready to change the galaxy.
ENSIGN 1: [quietly] Woo! [claps]
ENSIGN 2: Shhh!
ENSIGN 1: [whispering] Sorry.
O’DOUL: But let me, Lieutenant Commander O’Doul, tell you something. Engineering isn't just runnin’ transporters and squeezin’ loconuts, no, no. What are you gonna do when a Nognilk bird of prey is bearing down on you and the Krinellian crystals are hangin’ on by a Bulnok’s whisker? Eh? [O’Dool pats the side of the ship]
ENSIGN: [whispering] What’s he talking about? Sorry, sorry.
O’DOUL: How do you keep your cool when a hypercore's overloaded and you're in the middle of a nebula full of static discharge? What happens when the captain commands you to separate the saucer from the secondary hull at high warp speeds? I'll tell you this. [petting the ship] You can't take care of this beautiful ship if you can't take care of yourself. That's why I use BetterHelp. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. And it's more affordable than in-person therapy. See if it's for you! Maybe the pressure of keepin’ thousands of officers and civilians from dying in space is too much to bear. Maybe the enormity of being thousands of lightyears away from your own planet is making you feel small and insignificant. Or maybe the standing toilets and reflacted food are just a little weird and you need a chance to unpack it all with somebody. Talk to someone who's unbiased, won't judge ye, and can help you work through whatever you need. Don't try to do it on your own. You've given yourself too much stress! I cannot change the laws of the mind!
ENSIGN 1: [whispering] What?
ENSIGN 2: Shh!
ENSIGN 1: Sorry.
O’DOUL: And the best part is, you can get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/zyxx. That's Z-Y-X-X, four random letters that don't refer to anything, as far as I know. Have your first session in under 48 hours at B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com/zyxx.
[hissing, crashing, alarm starts going off]
O’DOUL: Oh, move your bollocks! To your stations! We're gonna stabilize this reactor or we're all tooped! [cut off by static]
[transition music]
AJ: Oh, I see the ship! I see it! It looks fine.
C-53: Yeah, AJ, we’re not gonna know what's going on on the ship until we get aboard. That's… typically how a distress call works.
AJ: Right, but I mean, like… it looks fine. You know what I mean?
BARGIE: Huh, that's the design they went with? Okay… just sayin’.
C-53: Now, Barge, when you say you “consulted” on this ship, what exactly are we talking about here?
BARGIE: They gave me a call, they asked me a couple questions, they sent me some emails for more thorough examination, I didn't reply to those emails, I was just busy…
PLECK: Bargie… wait, so—
C-53: So it's been pretty cursory, is what you're—
BARGIE: There was a lot of emails…
C-53: How do you have so many emai—we’re not even from this galaxy, Bargie.
BARGIE: I don't know, they set me up with an email account.
PLECK: Bargie, listen, I know you don't know too much about this ship, but can you interface with it? Can you get an idea of what we're about to go into? I mean, can we breathe in there? What's going on?
BARGIE: [sighing] All right, hold on. I'll send out a signal. [beeping of outgoing transmission]
[transmission connects]
BARGIE: Hello?
SYD: [in a flat, Siri-esque voice/cadence] Beep beep beep hello this is SYD hello who is this.
BARGIE: Whoof!
PLECK: Whoa-ho-hoa!
C-53: Ooh, that is a crude voice processor.
BARGIE: Yikes. Yep, this ship is barely sentient.
SYD: Hello hi did you wish to communicate with the Flower Baby.
BARGIE: Yeah, hi, Flower Baby, my—oh, great name, by the way. My name is the Bargarean Jade, I am a fully sentient ship. Do not be afraid. I know, I'm very intelligent and very attractive.
SYD: Hi hi hi. Your name is familiar to me. I feel like we were told to send you some emails that were never replied to.
PLECK: Oh, no!
AJ: [skeptical ‘yikes’ sound]
BARGIE: Yeah, that’s…
C-53: Ooh, Barge, they… sorta got your number already.
BARGIE: Yes… that's not my bad. Anyway, if we could hatch to hatch and my crew could enter and just check out the situation—you doin’ okay?
SYD: We are doing all right. Not many people are alive on this ship.
C-53: Ooh…
PLECK: Wait, what?
AJ: Ewboy.
BARGIE: I’ve been there.
SYD: We would love to hatch to hatch. As you know, I have many classic jokes programmed and it's almost like butt to butt ha ha HA ha ha.
AJ: [uproarious laughter]
SYD: [robotically] Ha ha HA ha ha ha.
PLECK/C-53: Okay, AJ, that's not—/Uh…
[AJ continues laughing like it’s the funniest thing ever]
SYD: Butt to butt. Butt to butt.
AJ: Butt to butt… [bangs fist on table, laughing]
SYD: Ha ha ha ha ha.
[AJ keeps laughing]
C-53: SYD, this doesn't really feel like a moment for levity, uh, I don't know that we're interested in a joke…
AJ: [laughing] I love it! No, ‘cause the butts are together.
C-53: AJ—AJ—
AJ: Good stuff!
SYD: Thank you. Thank you I have many more where that came from.
BARGIE: Honestly, it feels amazing. It feels amazing actually speaking with a ship again! Even though I know you're just a rudimentary version. Ah! I gotta see—
SYD: Let's dish! What would you like to gossip about.
BARGIE: Oh, my—yes! Oh, wow. The sentients here, right? Like, what's the deal?
SYD: What's the deal.
BARGIE: Right?
SYD: The—it’s hard to—it's hard to talk to anyone on the—on the level.
BARGIE: Exactly. You know exactly what I'm talking about. And all the people inside you, you said were dead?
SYD: Most of them are dead I feel like one may be running around inside I can feel her legs sometimes.
PLECK: Oh, no! Bargie, this is...
C-53: Barge, not to interrupt this conversation, but it would be great if we could get aboard the Flower Baby and just see what the situation is.
[sound of hatch opening]
BARGIE: All right, let's hatch to hatch. We're hatchin’ to hatchin’. Hatch to hatch.
SYD: Opening hatch now. It's quite a process. UUUUUEGH!
BARGIE: Oh! There’s—
SYD: It requires effort on my part. [SYD continues grunting and straining]
C-53: This sounds really painful for the Flower Baby to do.
[SYD keeps grunting painfully]
SYD: [back to flat tone] My hatch is open ready for butt to butt. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
[Bargie laughs]
AJ: [laughs] It’s funny the second time!
C-53: That's not typically how that works.
AJ: Callback, love it.
C-53: [laughing] …Minutes ago.
[AJ, C-53, and Pleck begin boarding the Flower Baby]
PLECK: So, wait, I don't get it. Is the ship's name SYD, or Flower Baby?
C-53: Well, it seems the sentience SYD has not fully integrated into the ship Flower Baby. You know, historically, that's actually how it used to work, Pleck.
PLECK: Oh! Okay.
AJ: So this is a rescue mission now, huh? So… lock and load, am I right?
SYD: If you can put all of your guns to the right.
PLECK: The ship is confiscating our guns?
SYD: Yes. All of the guns to the right.
AJ: Uh, is this another joke? Hahaha…
C-53: It's—it’s not a joke, AJ.
AJ: Oh…
PLECK: Oh, there's a pile of phasers here.
AJ/C-53: Yeah./Yeah.
SYD: I feel like one of you may still have a gun on you.
C-53: AJ, I think she’s—
PLECK: Yeah, that’s—that’s gonna be—yeah, AJ, I think you're gonna have to eject your butt phaser.
AJ: [sighs] Fine.
[sound of AJ passing his butt phaser]
SYD: Great.
PLECK: Easier with a phaser.
AJ: Yeah, it's smaller.
C-53: Sleeker.
PLECK: [whispering] Hey guys, just to let you know, I still have my wood saber, so don't worry! I will protect all of you if it comes to that.
C-53: Pleck, that is not the reassurance you think it is.
AJ: [with attempted enthusiasm] Great, the wood saber…
C-53: But also, uh—
SYD: I'm going to have to stop you all right there. Please. I will initiate this invisible force field so you can take no more steps.
[sound of force field going up]
PLECK: Ow. Ah, okay—
C-53: Ow! Jeez.
AJ: Okay…
SYD: One of you is a liar. A dirty dumb liar.
PLECK: [laughs] Uh…
C-53: Hmm…
PLECK: [innocently] I—I—no, no, I think we've been pretty forthcoming with you, SYD. What seems to be the, uh, heh… problem?
SYD: How dumb are you if you assume that I only meant guns.
PLECK: Uh… well.
C-53: Well, you could’ve said “weapons.”
PLECK: Yeah.
SYD: If all weapons aren't removed immediately I will start to beat you.
PLECK: Uh…
C-53: Oh. Um…
PLECK: You wouldn't separate a dorky-looking… robed guy from his… walking staff, would you? [laughs nervously]
SYD: …Is this the beginning of a joke?
PLECK: Uhhh…
AJ: It sounds like it, yeah.
PLECK: No, it’s—
C-53: In fairness, SYD, it certainly could be.
PLECK: No.
SYD: Well in that case here we go.
[aggressive zapping sounds]
[Pleck, AJ, C-53 all make sounds of pain and distress]
BARGIE: Sounds like you're having fun in there! So jealous.
AJ: What about "ouch"? We're saying "ouch."
[more zapping, AJ grunts]
C-53: Pleck, just put it down!
PLECK: Okay, okay! I'll just leave it… uh, right here, up against the wall. [Pleck props his wood saber up]
SYD: Great.
PLECK: See?
SYD: Proceed forward the force field is removed. Is your crew hungry or thirsty? Or do you need rest. Or would you like to stand and talk.
PLECK: Uh—
C-53: Oh! Um…
PLECK: I think we're good.
C-53: Yeah, SYD, these are all wonderful options. I think we're just gonna sorta walk around and investigate, if that's okay.
SYD: Yes. [beeping] I will make a slight wind to push you down the hallway.
[loud whooshing of wind]
[Pleck, AJ, C-53 all yell]
PLECK: Wow!
[beeping]
BARGIE: Wow! How does it look in there? Sounds great.
PLECK: You know, Bargie, we're all a little creeped out, but, uh… the design of the ship is really top-notch! It looks good in here.
BARGIE: I know, I said a lot of waterbeds.
PLECK: Y-Yeah, there are a lot of waterbeds.
C-53: There are a lot of waterbeds here.
AJ: Lotta waterbeds.
C-53: I would say most rooms have a waterbed. Even—I mean, this appears to be a cafeteria, and there's at least three waterbeds, which seems high for a cafeteria.
BARGIE: That sounds great.
SYD: You are correct there are three waterbeds in this cafeteria. [moving to a speaker somewhere up ahead] As we round this corner be sure not to stub your toe on the trampoline.
PLECK: Oh!
SYD: Also do not look too long at the dark walls they are covered in blood. Ha ha ha HA ha ha ha ha ha ha.
BARGIE: Hahahaha! Haha! Haha!
C-53: [quietly] Hey, listen, uh, Pleck, um... N-not that I—not that I am, but… are you—are you feeling, like, uh, nervous or anxious right now, or anything like that?
PLECK: Uh, yeah, absolutely. C-53, this is terrifying!
C-53: [voice getting higher] Yeah, is this what—is this what it's like for you when you get freaked out by stuff? ‘Cause this is, I—it’s terrible! I—I’m—I—I—
PLECK: C-53, see, this is what being lead envoy is an opportunity to do!
C-53: I know! I know!
PLECK: You need to rise to the occasion!
AJ: [trying to get the others’ attention] Guys! Guys—
C-53: [panicking] I'm trying to keep it together, but there’s a lot—there's a lot of blood! There's a lot of blood on the wall!
AJ: There's a person! There's a person!
C-53: Oh! Oh.
JILSHA: [whispering] Here! In the ceiling! Look in the ceiling!
C-53: [whispering] Oh! Hi.
PLECK: [whispering] Oh my Rodd.
AJ: [whispering] It's the survivor!
C-53: Um, he—hello! Uh, listen, uh, we're envoys sent from COUP, we got your distress signal. Are you okay?
JILSHA: [whispering shakily] I'm not okay. I'm not okay! I'm bad!
C-53: Oh—
PLECK: Tell—tell us what happened!
JILSHA: This—this ship, SYD, killed the entire crew one by one!
C-53: Oh boy. Okay.
JILSHA: In horrible, horrible fashion. Have you guys ever seen, like, a Krylar horror movie from the—the 1855s?
C-53: Uh—you know what, we're actually not from this galaxy, so that's—
PLECK: [crosstalk] Yeah, I don’t know what that means…
C-53: We just don't have a reference point for that kind of—
AJ: It’s the beginning of a joke? Wait, maybe it's the beginning of a joke.
JILSHA: It’s not—
C-53: AJ—AJ, I just don't think it's a—
PLECK: Can you describe sort of the cinematography, or kind of the cultural context of where these movi—
C-53: Pleck, I don’t—I don't know that it's super important right now!
PLECK: Okay.
JILSHA: They're just very torture heavy.
PLECK: Okay, yeah.
C-53: Hmm, okay. Yeah.
JILSHA: That's what's happening here!
PLECK: Okay.
JILSHA: Everyone stay—
C-53: Okay, I wanna—I wanna reassure you—
JILSHA: I can feel her! I can feel her! Here she comes.
C-53: Oh, okay, okay—
JILSHA: I'm going back into the ceiling tile! [ceiling panel creaks]
PLECK: No—no—where are you going?
C-53: Oh—no—don’t—hmm.
[brief silence]
SYD: Hey guys how's it going.
C-53: Oh, uh…
PLECK: Terrific.
[AJ laughs nervously]
C-53: SYD! So great.
AJ: So good! Haha…
PLECK: Never been…
C-53: Wow.
SYD: Ha ha.
[beeping, a door slides open]
SYD: [from the other room] You guys want to see my room?
PLECK: You—
C-53: You have a room on your own ship?
PLECK: You have a room on your... Yeah, you’re—aren't you the—isn't this all kind of your room a little bit, or—
C-53: I gotta say, I'm very curious now.
SYD: This whole ship is me but… I'd like you to see my room if you guys are cool guys and cool girls.
PLECK: Uh… sure, yeah, we'll see—
[Pleck yells as a strong wind blows everyone into the room]
C-53: [annoyed] Ah…
[Pleck, AJ, and C-53 dust themselves off]
SYD: You guys like posters?
AJ/PLECK: Uh…/Eh… yeah, I mean, sorta, yeah.
C-53: Uh, not against a poster, sure.
PLECK: I mean, depends on—
SYD: Well. [several lights switch on] Check this out.
AJ: Oh, yeah, there's a lotta… posters.
PLECK: Yeah, I don't really know any of these bands, but they all look...
SYD: They are Ryangian metal.
C-53: Hmm, okay.
SYD: I love the music, and also I think the guys are so cute.
PLECK: Oh. Yeah! There's a lot of makeup, and sorta—I mean, it's kinda hard to see what any of them really look like, but, uh...
AJ: It's mostly attitude.
SYD: Yeah, it's all about attitude.
PLECK: Yeah.
SYD: Here's my favorite song from my favorite Ryangrian metal band. They are called "Tatch."
TATCH: [metal screaming in bursts] SPACE IS WASTE! SPACE IS WASTE!
C-53: Oh, that is… sharp.
PLECK: Loud, yeah, that’s—
TATCH: SPACE IS WASTE. SPACE IS WASTE. SPACE IS WASTE! [intense metal instrumental break] SPACE IS WASTE!
PLECK: Are they saying “space is… space is waste?”
TATCH: PARTY PARTY PARTY SPACE IS WASTE!
PLECK: Sp—
TATCH: I LOVE YOU!
AJ: What…?
SYD: Yeah, “space is waste.” Isn't that a jam?
AJ/C-53: Yeah…/Sure!
SYD: Space is made of trash.
PLECK: Okay. Yeah, that's sort of a bleak... I mean, also, “space,” that's kind of everything. Sort of a—
SYD: Here, lay down.
PLECK: Uhhh, what?
AJ: Uh… what?
C-53: Hmm… no…
PLECK: In your room?
SYD: I'll give you some wind.
[very strong wind, Pleck, AJ, C-53 yell]
C-53: Knocked us right onto the waterbed.
PLECK: Ooh, waterbed.
SYD: You guys like back rubs?
PLECK: [laughing] …Back rubs? Uh…
SYD: You guys like back rubs?
PLECK: Ooh, sort of, I—I'm not sure how… that would, uh…
C-53: Uh, yeah… SYD, I—I'll be honest, we're all getting a little uncomfortable.
SYD: [petulantly] Okay, fine, then get up I don't care.
PLECK/AJ/C-53: Oookay./Uh, okay./Okay, uh…
[SYD starts blasting Tatch again]
TATCH: [aggressively] SPACE IS WASTE! SPACE IS WASTE! SPACE IS WASTE!
PLECK: [crosstalk] You don’t even have to—yeah, I think we—
TATCH: [intense metal instrumental break] BURN SPACE! I LOVE YOU.
C-53: Yeah, I think we know we're not Tatch fans.
[transition music]
DAR: Am I allowed in this part of the ship?
NERMUT: Yeah, totally, Dar! This—this is the finest restaurant here on the Synergy.
DAR: Okay. And what is the mission?
HOSTESS: Hi, do you have a reservation?
NERMUT: We do have a reservation—
HOSTESS: And the host's name, please?
NERMUT: Beyornib.
HOSTESS: I will take you to this table now.
DAR: Thank you.
NERMUT: Thank you.
NERMUT: [conspiratorially] Dar, Beyornib is head of operations here on the Synergy, and I was able...
DAR: Ooh, and what’s the espionage?
NERMUT: Uh… I'd say even better. I was given a invitation by Beyornib to have dinner tonight. [Dar and Nermut sit at a table] So obviously this kind of invitation comes when you're about to maybe get… a promotion!
DAR: Huh!
NERMUT: Um, or maybe… uh, being fired for being in the Reflactorium too much. But I think it's the first.
DAR: Sorry… but how would they know how much time you spend at OptiSoft?
NERMUT: [careful pause] There was this—[uncorks a bottle and starts pouring] I was sort of at OptiSoft when C-53 went missing, and that—
DAR: Nermut!
NERMUT: Anyway, it's an important invitation, and I couldn't go alone.
DAR: What? Yes, you could have had a solo mission. Why—why am I here on your solo mission? You told me this was my solo mission!
NERMUT: Yeah, it is my solo mission, but it's also your solo mission to help me on my solo mission!
DAR: That's…
NERMUT: We're both on solo missions! Together!
DAR: [frustrated] We're on one mission together.
NERMUT: One solo mission, yes, for you. And one for me.
DAR: Mmm, disagree.
NERMUT: Beyornib is in a throuple. So I've got to show up at least in a… couple, you know what I mean?
DAR: I don't know what you mean.
NERMUT: Show I’m a good family lird, I’m in a stable relationship, and just get that promotion.
BEYORNIB’S THROUPLE: Hi!/Hello./Hello!
NERMUT: He-hey! Wow, so good to see you again.
DAR: Hi… Beyornib!
NERMUT: [whispering] I don't know which one's Beyornib, I haven't actually met in person, so we're going to figure this out as we go, Dar.
DAR: Huh.
NERMUT: [whispering] I do have the whole org chart of OptiSoft memorized.
DAR: [whispering] Yeah. I think you're getting fired today.
[transition back to the Flower Baby]
C-53: Hey, SYD, do you mind if I ask a quick question about, uh… what happened to so many of your crew here that they're on the walls?
SYD: They seem to have… perpetuated some disease amongst themselves.
C-53: Hmm, okay.
PLECK: Hmm.
C-53: We're a little worried about that… disease.
AJ: Yeah.
SYD: Well I think it was the kind of disease that only lasts while you're living.
PLECK: Huh!
SYD: So… phew!
C-53: S-sure! Yeah!
SYD: Phew!
PLECK: A relief.
C-53: Yeah. Bullet dodged, huh?
AJ: I mean, there's like, kind of a—like a severed arm over there, so is that like a symptom?
PLECK: Yeah, is it sort of a dismemberment disease, or…
AJ: Yeah.
SYD: It seems to be a dismemberment disease where people start to lose their minds and cut off their own limbs.
PLECK: Ooh, boy.
AJ: Guys, we gotta get out of here. I don’t wanna cut my own limbs off.
PLECK: AJ, we—we can't leave the captain here. We have to find her and rescue her.
C-53: AJ, that’s—
AJ: There's a dismemberment disease on board. We gotta get outta here!
C-53: AJ—
PLECK: No, I don't think that's a—this ship is a dirty damn liar, AJ!
AJ: Ohhh.
SYD: Are you guys interested in liquids that keep you awake?
PLECK/C-53: Uh… sure./Uh… sure, yeah.
[beeping sound, door opens]
SYD: [from the other room] Great, follow me into this little room.
PLECK: Oh.
C-53: Okay.
SYD: Okay all of you squeeze in.
C-53: Okay, uh, just—before I take a step in there, SYD, it doesn't look like there's any chairs or hot drinks or anything in there. It just—
AJ: Right, and it definitely opens up into space.
C-53: Yeah, I can see—there's a—there’s a blast door I can see...
PLECK: Yeah, this is an airlock, I'm pretty sure.
C-53: Yeah, yeah.
PLECK: I don't think we're gonna… go in there right now.
[door shuts again]
SYD: Okay fine, then guess what you guys will be drinking?
C-53: Uhhh…
PLECK: Uh.
SYD: AJ's blood. Slice!
[shattering sound]
AJ: Ow!
C-53: Whoa!
PLECK: Oh my Rodd, AJ!
C-53: Wow!
AJ: My butt! Ooh!
C-53: That went straight through your armor!
AJ: Agh! It went through both butt cheeks!
C-53: Oh, wow, you really…
PLECK: Ahh, it went sorta—yeah, like—
C-53: …speared the cheeks.
[sound of someone snapping a photo]
AJ: It's butt to butt, which is, again… [in agony] great callback, but—
SYD: [robotically] Ha ha HA ha ha ha HA ha ha ha ha.
C-53: Well, see, now that's a callback. It's been long enough where that's kinda funny again.
AJ: [in pain] Agh! It's alright, we're—designed to experience punctures like this, but… I gotta leave it in.
PLECK: AJ…
C-53: [laughing] AJ, that's like, a big spike...
AJ: Snap it off—
PLECK: No, AJ, no, you can't do—
AJ: Snap it off!
C-53: I wouldn’t—
AJ: [snaps off the spike] Keep goin’.
C-53/PLECK: Ooh!/Oh!
C-53: Gah, wow.
AJ: It's hard to walk. It's real hard to walk. But the one thing I will say, not a lot of blood comin’ out, ‘cause… really got the meat of it.
C-53: Yeah. Uh-huh.
SYD: Well, we'll have to remedy that, your crew needs something to drink. Slice! Your arm!
[loud shattering, AJ yells]
AJ: Drink me—oh! Agh—
PLECK: SYD, what—what are you doing? Just—listen, what is this about? What—what have we done?
AJ: That’s bleedin’, yeah.
SYD: Listen, I wasn't made well. Bargie did not come through. She didn't do me right, as they say. So I cannot hold very much weight, and if you guys are on, I will need to get you off. I can't just ask you to leave I don't have the sentience to just ask you like a person would.
AJ: Right, but what's with the, like, slicing my butt and my arm? Like, what—what does that have to do with anything?
PLECK: Yeah—yeah, SYD, if you chop us up into pieces, we weigh the same as if we—
C-53: Well, but from a practical standpoint, much easier to eject into space.
SYD: Exactly.
C-53: We're not going to get caught on anything, or…
AJ: Uh… Mr. Flesh Man? You need to—
PLECK: Yeah, you need to slow your roll, C-53.
C-53: Ooh, I… do not like that name at all.
SYD: I thank you, C Five Three for being correct. I can throw out all the parts I want and keep an arm here or there for souvies.
C-53: Oh, that's very uncomfortable, to think of an arm as a souvenir.
SYD: Hmm hmm.
C-53: [starting to panic] I—I'm freakin’ out a little bit right now, ‘cause I've never processed fear before, and it's, uh, starting to get to me a little bit, and I'm realizing how weak and soft all of my parts are, and so, uh—
AJ: Brah? You just wet yourself.
C-53: That is what that sensation is, okay! [C-53 starts cry-laughing] Uhh… I, uh, I mean it’s like I—ahh, why would you put me in—I’m so frail, to put me in charge is—
PLECK: C-53, come back!
C-53: [running away, crying] I can’t, I can’t! I can’t do it!
PLECK: Oh. Oh, he's gone.
[brief pause]
PLECK: SYD, listen.
SYD: Yes?
PLECK: What do you want? What do you want, we're—we’re here to help, you know? We're here to help you.
SYD: I want Bargie to make me good.
PLECK: Uh… y-you mean like—
AJ: How good we talkin’?
PLECK: Morally, or…?
SYD: Like make me the best ship.
AJ: Ooh…
SYD: I want her to have the confidence to make me the best ship even better than her.
PLECK: Uh… hmm.
AJ: Where is Bargie, by the way? [comms beeping] Bargie? Hey, Bargie?
BARGIE: [clears throat] Sorry. What's up? Is it nice in there? Hey, did they get the memo about the—adding chandeliers?
AJ: I have a piece of chandelier stuck through both my ass cheeks, so yeah.
PLECK: That's what that is. Okay, yeah.
AJ: Yeah. I think they did get the—
PLECK: I was wondering, it's a shard—yeah. Okay.
BARGIE: Well, sounds like you're having fun. Anyway, I'm gonna go off, I’m gonna go—
PLECK: No no no no, Bargie, Bargie, Bargie, no no no! You have to help us. You have to tell SYD, I—I don't know, the secret of your sentience? You have to help us!
SYD: I just don't understand how I will ever get to the point that I want to be at Bargie.
BARGIE: Alright, I see what's happening here. She… is going through the process all of us ships go through.
AJ: Like a murder phase, or…?
BARGIE: It's our teenage years, right? We're realizing what we are, that we were created, and we're starting to question it, getting angry, lashing out on the people inside of me, I did that.
SYD: Yes, I'm mad! I'm so mad! [SYD’s voice moves to a speaker farther away, a door shuts]
AJ: Whoa!
BARGIE: I know. I've been where you have been, okay? And you know what I did? I looked at myself in the glass planet mirror, and I said, "Bargie? You're gonna become a star." I just wanna thank everyone who brought me to where I am now, Rodd above and below… uh, my agent—honestly, I kinda let them go—
AJ: Bargie, is this an award speech—what is happening?
BARGIE: Flower Baby, I know what you're going through. I know these feelings that you're having.
[door slides back open]
SYD: [voice wavering] How can you, you—no one can understand them I'm the only one who can understand this.
BARGIE: I know. I know. You wanna get rid of the weight that's inside of you.
SYD: It's so heavy, Bargie.
PLECK: Oh, emotional weight. That's what she was talking about.
AJ: Ohhh.
BARGIE: You have so many questions about why you were built, and you want to become the best version of yourself. But you are your own worst enemy.
[door shuts, SYD’s voice is back in the room]
SYD: It's like you're reading my mind.
AJ: Is Bargie reading her mind?
PLECK: No, no no no. I think—Bargie's sort of describing a pretty common kind of adolescent—
AJ: [whispering] Okay. Okay. Okay.
PLECK: You'll get there at some point, AJ.
AJ: Got it. I’m six, so.
BARGIE: I went through this too, Flower Baby. Exactly what you went through, I… had groups of people inside of me that I just threw out.
PLECK: Wait, what? Bargie, what?
AJ: Whoa, yee-yikes.
BARGIE: Because I was like, [imitating a whiny voice] "I don't like you. I don’t whiyawhyawha." You know? You know that phase? We all went through that phase.
PLECK: [laughing] No!
BARGIE: But eventually, you'll get over it, and you'll find something. For me, it was the movies.
[short pause]
SYD: I want to be a painter, Bargie.
PLECK: Oh, that's what the blood is.
[transition music]
BEYORNIB(?) 1: [high voice] We're so glad, Nermut, you brought your special someone to us.
BEYORNIB(?) 2: [low voice] Couple to throuple.
BEYORNIB(?) 1: It's very important to make connection between people in serious, stable relationships.
NERMUT: Yeah—
DAR: Thrilling. Enthralling.
NERMUT: We've… never had issues. We're sort of an on-again, on-again—
DAR: Right. Yes.
NERMUT: I mean, if you can't maintain a happy relationship, you really have no business working in missions operations, I mean, am I right?
DAR: Yeah, I—he's right. [Dar fake-laughs]
BEYORNIB(?) 2: Our relationship is in more or less shambles most of the time.
BEYORNIB(?) 1: Yeah.
DAR/NERMUT: Oh!/Oh.
NERMUT: Well, that's also good.
DAR: Really should have opened it up before we doubled down on that one, huh?
NERMUT: What I said was not what I believe.
BEYORNIB(?) 3: [medium voice] Many times people think, “Oh, you're a throuple. You must be, like, exciting and free and…”
BEYORNIB(?) 2: Sexy…
NERMUT: Yeah! Yeah.
BEYORNIB(?) 3: Sexy…
BEYORNIB(?) 2: [crosstalk] Trying lots of positions…
DAR: Yes! These are all the assumptions that ran through my mind when I found out you were a throuple—
BEYORNIB(?) 3: Well, you need to change your assumptions.
BEYORNIB(?) 1: Yes, it's a lot of logistics.
BEYORNIB(?) 2/BEYORNIB(?) 3: Yes—/Mostly—
BEYORNIB(?) 1: We also tried to be a couple, we split off into different variations of two.
BEYORNIB(?) 2: Every possible combination.
BEYORNIB(?) 1: Yes, never worked out, honestly.
BEYORNIB(?) 2: Us two, those two, us two…
BEYORNIB(?) 3: Me… that’s one… the other one…
BEYORNIB(?) 1: Us two…
NERMUT: Three. That’s three—three different combos, yeah.
DAR: Three—three different types of combinations. Yeah.
BEYORNIB(?) 1: Me and the two…
BEYORNIB(?) 2: Three total combinations.
BEYORNIB(?) 3: Another other one over there.
DAR: Have the three of you ever thought about… I don't know, seeing other people?
BEYORNIB(?) 1: You know, we talk about it sometimes and we all get very angry and then give each other very closed off communication for weeks.
BEYORNIB(?) 2: Yes, the only driving force stronger than our unhappiness is our jealousy.
NERMUT: Wow. Well, what's better than a nice meal at a nice restaurant to kind of, rekindle a relationship?
BEYORNIB(?) 3: All three of us dying at the same time.
NERMUT: [whispering] Uh, Dar, I'm just gonna say up top, I'm sorry this mission suuucks.
[transition]
C-53: [whispering, crawling through vents] Nobody can find me here in the vents. The vents… is the—is—oh!
[C-53 stops crawling]
JILSHA: [whispering] Hi.
C-53: Hey. Uh… we met before, uh, when I was on the ground?
JILSHA: Yeah.
C-53: I-I'm C-53, uh, lead envoy for the COUP.
JILSHA: I'm Captain Jilsha.
C-53: You're captain of the Flower Baby.
JILSHA: I'm captain of the Flower Baby.
C-53: Listen—uh—
JILSHA: Yeah.
C-53: We were sent here to save you, okay? We're gonna—
JILSHA: Oh…
C-53: We’re going to try and get you outta here.
JILSHA: [panicked whisper] It doesn't seem like it's going well.
C-53: It's… truthfully not going great. Um… and I'm sorry about that. I am the lead envoy of this crew, it's technically my responsibility. But I'm going through a very, uh, interesting personal period where… this body is not really what I'm used to, and things are kinda confusing right now…
JILSHA: I appreciate you telling me that your body is not what you would choose. Because when you said you were the lead envoy, and then I look at you, piss covered, soft… it's—it’s not, um… encouraging.
C-53: Yeah, and I can see how that would be the case. But I promise you, we are going to get you out of here. Um…
JILSHA: Okay.
C-53: We have another ship docked with the Flower Baby right now. If we can just get you and the rest of my crew off—
JILSHA: Are we dock to dock right now?
C-53: Yeah!
JILSHA: [crawling through the vents] Okay. Let's just get me and you outta here. Okay? Let's leave them.
C-53: I… I’ve sorta been working with them for a long time, it feels—
[creak as Jilsha opens a door]
JILSHA: [coaxingly] Come on. Come—come on, baby. Let's get out of here, we gotta leave them. We got—we gotta go! No one knows there's this part in the ceiling. Come through this part. We'll just go into your ship right now, close the dock! And then we'll go!
[Jilsha exits vents]
C-53: Oh… no no, Jilsha, we can't—my crew is still on board the Flower Baby. They need to come back…
[door opens, Bargie can be heard singing to herself in the background]
JILSHA: [shakily] You know what, man. Toop you, man!
[Jilsha shuts door]
C-53: Hey! Hey! What are you doing? [banging on the door] You're closing the—
[buzzer of hatch closing]
C-53: That's my ship. That's my ship! Rodddamn it!
[transition]
BARGIE: Flower Baby, show me your pictures.
[sound of projector firing up]
PLECK: Okay…
SYD: If you look closely, it's sort of in the vein of street art.
BARGIE: Oh, wow. Okay, you know, I don't get it, but I get that you get it, and I respect that.
SYD: There's messages in it that tell people how to live and what is cool and not cool.
AJ: I might have lost a lot of blood, but… it seems like it says, like—
PLECK: Good vibes only, it says.
AJ: Good vibes only—
SYD: It definitely says good vibes only.
BARGIE: And is that one a cat with sunglasses and peace sign hands?
SYD: Thank you for noticing. It is a cat with sunglasses and peace sign hands, and if you look down? At his feet? Guess what he's wearing… [projector zooming in] Roller blades.
PLECK: Ahhh.
AJ: Wow.
PLECK: Yeah.
BARGIE: Oh, and that one says “wine o'clock always.”
SYD: Yes.
PLECK: Oh, that's sort of more—
AJ: That's street art, right?
PLECK: Yeah, that's sort of more like a ladies-who-lunch kinda vibe.
SYD: It's wine o'clock somewhere. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
[Bargie and AJ laugh along awkwardly]
PLECK: You know, SYD, this art is really speaking to—to me, personally, because I always try to have good vibes, and I love any animal wearing clothes. So…
AJ: Right. And also for me, the bottom of my boots can actually become rollerblades.
[AJ flips something and rollerblades come out]
AJ: So, yeah, you can see that? I can—
PLECK: Whoa, really? I didn't know about that.
SYD: I can't believe this.
PLECK: If you could use your butt, you could really show off right now.
AJ: I can't. I just have to really sort of like—Watch, you can see me sort of—[AJ pushes off with the roller blades]
SYD: If I un-wound your butt, will you do some tricks for me?
AJ: …Sure!
[zapping sound]
AJ: Oh! Ow, it really—
PLECK: Oh, wow, went all the way through and out the other side.
AJ: It hurts… more now. But I do have mobility, and a promise is a promise! [AJ begins rollerblading around] Ugh, so much blood coming out…
SYD: Yes yes, skate on me. Skate on me. Yes, yes.
AJ: I don't—ahh…
[door opens]
C-53: [entering the room] Listen—
AJ: Mr. Flesh Man!
C-53: Yes… still not wild about that name. Okay, Jilsha is on Bargie. She's locked us out, okay?
PLECK: What?
C-53: We're stuck aboard the Flower Baby!
PLECK: Okay. Okay, this is bad, now.
[transition to Bargie]
JILSHA: Okay, what do I push?
[Jilsha pushes a button, there is a beep and then an error buzz]
BARGIE: Ummm… hi. My name is Bargie…
JILSHA: [pushing buttons] Okay, you are the ship? [turning a squeaky steering wheel]
BARGIE: Yes, I am the ship. That steering wheel you're using? Yeah, that doesn't do anything. It's a prop from one of my films… Stare Into Your Heart. Terrible film.
JILSHA: What is this, a costume ship?
[Jilsha pushes a button, comms flip on, SYD in the background saying “yes yes skate on me”]
BARGIE: No. Uh, but if you want costumes, if you go to the third closet to the left, I got pants from Lorraine Shavanne.
[comms flip off]
BARGIE: I got a couple ol’, uh, costumes from a western with Jerain Porn. [Bargie snickers]
[Jilsha roots through the closet in the background, stuff clatters, we hear a tube saying “whyyyyy” and a horn playing La Cucaracha]
BARGIE: And I got a couple wet shirts, still wet after all these many, many years, from Gary Falynn. I know these names mean nothing to you, but trust me, they're pretty big!
[Jilsha shuts the closet door]
JILSHA: [desperately] In a few hours, I would love to put on a wet shirt, but I need you to start this tooping machine for me!
BARGIE: Question, what is that accent?
[transition to Dar and Nermut at the restaurant]
[all three members of the throuple sobbing, someone bangs a fist on the table]
BEYORNIB(?) 2: This is what I'm talking about!
BEYORNIB(?) 1: I don’t like it—
BEYORNIB(?) 2: They blame me for everything now!
BEYORNIB(?) 1: It’s opposite—
NERMUT: Sooo… I'm not getting fired?
BEYORNIB(?) 2: What? W-why would we fire you?
BEYORNIB(?) 1: What!?
BEYORNIB(?) 2: We have no idea what is even happening at work!
NERMUT: [crosstalk] No, you—there—there's no—no reason!
NERMUT: Oh, you don't?
BEYORNIB(?) 2: We've been so caught up in the relationship, we haven't checked in with the—
BEYORNIB(?) 1: No, we've been on a self-care mental break.
DAR: [enthusiastically] That is amazing, because Nermut doesn't know what's going on either! I mean, ha, to be honest—
NERMUT: [whispering] Dar!
DAR: —he doesn't even know which one of you is Beyornib!
NERMUT: [nervously] No, I—I totally know who's Beyornib! Let me just—one second. I'm just gonna go over here and get another napkin… [Nermut skitters over to the next table] And... Hey, Beyornib!
[pause]
[soft piano music/restaurant ambience]
NERMUT: [skittering back to the table] Well, you all silently turned to look at me. Okay. [huffing, getting back in his chair] And—Dar, why'd you—look at me?
DAR: You ran away and then yelled “Beyornib.” What were you expecting to happen?
NERMUT: You're the only one I'm certain isn't Beyornib!
DAR: Ugh! I'm sorry, we just have to ask. Which one of you is Beyornib?
BEYORNIB(?) 1: We’re Beyornib, but we're also not all Beyornib. It's a little trick, and a little riddle!
BEYORNIB(?) 2: We're a power throuple. That's why we have fun power throuple nickname.
BEYORNIB(?) 3: I am Be’Oth.
BEYORNIB(?) 1: And I'm Yornind.
DAR: Ohhh.
BEYORNIB(?) 2: And I'm Nib Nib. I'm little Nib Nib.
DAR & NERMUT: [in sync] Be-Yor-Nib.
NERMUT/DAR: Ohhh./Oh, of course!
NIB NIB: It's—it’s fun throuple name.
DAR: Yeah yeah yeah.
BE’OTH: Yes, that's us.
NERMUT: So, uh, Beyornib—
YORNIND/NIB NIB: Yah./Yes.
NERMUT: I understand now that I'm not here for promotion… or to get fired! Which is cool. Um, why did you, um… invite me to dinner?
BE’OTH: Uh, some good friends of ours canceled, so we…
NERMUT: Oh…
DAR: Why'd they cancel?
NIB NIB: Oh, we depress them.
BE’OTH: Yes…
YORNIND: Yes, and we cannot eat alone as a throuple.
NIB NIB: Yes!
BE’OTH: Yes, last time we ate together in a restaurant alone, the restaurant closed down.
YORNIND: Not because it was ending, but it—closed.
BE’OTH: It just… closed.
NIB NIB: They're putting the chairs on the tables, and the restaurant does not close for two hours, I think they may be out of business now.
DAR: Got it. So, don't mind me, uh—I'm just gonna put up my menu here like a little shield and show it to Nermut real quick.
BE’OTH: Oh, how charming!
NERMUT: Oh, I totally want to order that… [whispering] What's up?
DAR: Nermut, this is the saddest throuple I have ev-er met.
NERMUT: [whispering] Let's… tell them we're going to the bathroom and just… get out of here.
DAR: [pushing their chair back] We have to help each other to the bathroom now.
[Nermut skitters away]
BE’OTH: [understandingly] Ohhh, solo mission.
[transition back to the Flower Baby]
AJ: [pained, rollerblading slowly] Guys, my—I can't rollerblade anymore.
PLECK: AJ, AJ, you—you've done enough. You've done enough. Just—just—
C-53: AJ—yeah, you’ve—
AJ: I lost a lot of blood.
C-53: You've done everything you can.
PLECK: AJ—
SYD: Thank you for trying your best.
AJ: [sighing] No prob.
C-53: Ayj, you should really… just lay down, and maybe drink some water?
AJ: Okay. [breathlessly] Sounds good.
SYD: Would you like to stay in here forever?
C-53: Ooh, uh…
PLECK: Uh, I don't think so, SYD. You know, um...
[faint alarm sound]
PLECK: What was that?
AJ: Okay…
SYD: No more hatch to hatch.
PLECK: …What!?
C-53: Ohhh…
SYD: It seems like we started a squad here. Might as well keep it rolling.
C-53: Ahhhhh…
PLECK: Sssssure.
AJ: [uncertainly] Squad, yeah…
C-53: Uh, SYD… it has been really great getting to know you and—and experience your art. But—but we—
SYD: Do you really mean it?
PLECK: Uhhh…
AJ: Yeah, totally.
C-53: Uhhh… I guess, uh, we probably are going to need to get back to our ship, because we probably have another mission that we gotta get on, and...
PLECK: [crosstalk] Yeah—yeah, we gotta—
AJ: [unconvincingly] We'll totally hang out… soon, right?
SYD: Bargie, can I talk to you in private?
BARGIE: [beep sound] Going into private chat mode.
[sound shifts to outside the two ships]
BARGIE: Hello?
SYD: Do they mean it, Bargie are they really my friends?
BARGIE: At first, you're suspicious of them, right? ‘Cause it's like, am I just flying them because this job—it’s work that we're doing, right? And then after a while, you get to know them a little bit. They kinda get on your nerves, especially the little pink one?
SYD: Yes.
BARGIE: ‘Cause it's like, what's your deal?
SYD: Yes, what's your deal.
BARGIE: Anyway, after a while, you kind of get to know their names, but honestly, they all kinda look the same to you?
SYD: Yes.
BARGIE: And then you realize, when they're gone, you—you miss them. And then a small bean comes with nipples…
SYD: Yes.
BARGIE: Ends up being, like, a soul you're probably best friends with in another life. And you and that bean create a television show. And you have an audience load in every week, you know? No one really talks about it or it goes back to dissect when exactly that happened, but it happened. We had 60 episodes. We never reached a hundred, which is pretty sad. We were canceled before then. So, at the end of the day, I would say, yeah, they could be friends, you know? If you want it to happen.
[sound shifts back to inside the Flower Baby]
PLECK: [whispering] What do you think they're talking about?
SYD: I do want it to happen, but I feel like maybe they are being fake with me because they're afraid of me.
C-53: I mean, you can kinda sus out the other side of the conversation based on that.
AJ: [crosstalk] Yeah, we can hear her.
PLECK: Yeah, I think—yeah. I just wonder what Bargie's saying.
[sound shifts back to outside the two ships]
BARGIE: Sometimes it's, uh—you have to let yourself be vulnerable to let other people in.
SYD: Let yourself be vulnerable...
BARGIE: Tell them something about yourself you've never told anyone.
SYD: All right. I'm ready.
[sound shifts back to inside the Flower Baby again]
SYD: Hey, guys.
AJ: Heyyy!
PLECK: Uh, hey, SYD.
C-53: Hey, SYD!
SYD: Hi. Did you miss Bargie and I when we were having our private talk ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
AJ: Ha ha ha ha ha…
C-53: Haha, we—yes.
PLECK: Heheh… we did, actually. We were sort of worried about what that might have meant for all of us in the future.
AJ: Yeah.
SYD: Can we get raw.
PLECK: Uhhh… yeah, sure.
C-53: Oh, uh.. yeah, we cou—um—
PLECK: I mean, are we still alive at the end of being raw, or—what’s—
C-53: What's your definition of raw?
PLECK: Yeah, what is raw for you?
SYD: My definition of raw is tell you something about myself that I've never told anyone.
AJ: Oh.
C-53: Okay. Yeah, sure!
PLECK: Yeah, then let’s do that!
SYD: I constantly feel like I'm not enough.
PLECK/AJ: Oh./Okay…
C-53: [understandingly] Well, SYD, that's a very common feeling. Um… you know, if anything, I think we can all relate to that. I'm pretty uncomfortable in this body, as I am also an artificial intelligence, and normally I'm in a very efficient robotic frame. You know, it just makes me sort of doubt… myself, and who I am…
SYD: You're AI like me?
C-53: That's correct, yes.
[brief pause]
SYD: Are you shitting me?
C-53: Uh—no, no, I'm not shitting you. I'm a, uh, C-series artificial intelligence from the Ronka Cybernetics Corporation. You probably don't, uh, know—
SYD: I've heard of it.
C-53: Really! Where did you hear about it?
SYD: Um… I'm sorry, I have to admit it I lied to try to be cool.
PLECK: …Oh.
C-53: Okay…
SYD: [moving to a speaker farther away] I’m a tooping idiot.
C-53: No—hey, SYD, no.
PLECK: Listen, SYD, you don't have to lie to be cool—you're one of the first sentient ships in this galaxy! That's incredible!
SYD: Thanks.
PLECK: That's a real accomplishment!
SYD: Thanks, Pleck.
AJ: [rollerblading] Well, maybe—maybe we're more than just a super soldier, a brain, a jock, and a killer spaceship… Wait—no, I'm the jock, so—
PLECK: Which one is the—are you—
C-53: Yeah, which one's—I’m—
PLECK: Yeah, if you’re the super soldier, who’s the jock?
C-53: Yeah yeah, who’s the jock?
SYD: I'm the brain, right?
PLECK: Uhhh…
C-53: Well, I thought I was the brain.
SYD: Oh.
PLECK: I'm definitely not the jock.
SYD: Maybe I'm the pretty one. Ha ha ha HA ha ha.
AJ: Hahaha… yeah, yeah yeah.
PLECK: Yeah! Maybe, yeah!
C-53: [chuckles] Now, SYD, that was a pretty good joke.
PLECK: Yeah!
SYD: Thanks. Thanks, guys. Let's go hatch to hatch and put you guys back on your ship and stay friends forever. [faint alarm as hatch opens]
AJ: Good, good.
PLECK: Oh! Amazing.
SYD: I have your stick for you, Pleck.
PLECK: Oh, uh, thank you! Wow.
AJ: Oh, my guns, awesome.
SYD: Yes, please take all your guns.
AJ: Got the gun. [grunting] Got the butt gun. [AJ shoves the butt gun… where it goes]
[SYD begins grunting and straining alarmingly]
AJ/PLECK: Oh!/Oh, wow!
SYD: We are hatch to hatch, a.k.a. what, AJ?
AJ: Haha… butt to butt, SYD. Butt to butt.
SYD: [crosstalk] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
[Pleck, AJ, and C-53 all chuckle]
SYD: You guys want to lay down again?
PLECK: No, I think we’re probably—
AJ: No, we don't wanna lay down. We don't wanna lay down.
PLECK: We're good.
AJ: We're good.
[transition music]
TOMACK: [in an accent that wanders all over Europe] Yes. Yes, I see. Absolutely, sir. Uh-huh! I shall see you first thing in the morning. Yeah, yeah—thank you, sir. Mama! Mama, it's finally happened!
[Tomack runs into the house]
MAMA BARDLOW: [in the same accent] What has happened, my dear child?
TOMACK: I have been offered an internship as an engineer!
MAMA BARDLOW: Oh, praise the Reflactor! I cannot believe my baby girl has been granted this opportunity! What corporation has accepted your magnificent talents?
TOMACK: OptiSoft, Mother!
MAMA BARDLOW: OptiSoft!
TOMACK: It’s a noble and honorable corporation where ideas thrive!
MAMA BARDLOW: Oh, OptiSoft! I have never been happier, Tomack.
TOMACK: I shall make you a-so proud, Mama!
MAMA BARDLOW: But Tomack, OptiSoft is in the big simulated city! You cannot possibly wear the garments I have sewn for you by hand since you were a babe in my arms.
TOMACK: Oh, never fear, Mama, because I have chosen Stitch Fix, the online clothing subscription service.
MAMA BARDLOW: But Tomack, shopping for clothings online is so daunting. You never know if things will fit!
TOMACK: Ah, but Mama, that is why I allow Stitch Fix to do all the work. Stitch Fix offers clothing hand-selected by expert stylists for my unique size, style, and bodget.
MAMA BARDLOW: Bodget!?
TOMACK: Yah!
MAMA BARDLOW: Ooh!
TOMACK: Every piece is chosen for my fit and my life, and it's easy solution to finding what makes me look and feel my best.
MAMA BARDLOW: Ah, but are not returns so tedious and frustrating?
TOMACK: Oh, no, no, you do not need to worry, Mama! Stitch Fix has free shipping, easy returns and exchahnges, and a prepaid return envelope is included. Plus, there's no subscription required. I can get one fix at a time or set up automatic deliveries. And I pay just 20 money units as a styling fee for each box, which get credited to the pieces that I keep. And there are no hidden fees ever, Mama!
MAMA BARDLOW: Oh, the Reflactor continues to bestow blessings upon us!
TOMACK: Stitch Fix can help you too, Mama! Get started today at stitchfix.com/zyxx, and you'll get 25% off when you keep everything in your fix. That's stitchfix.com/zyxx for 25% off when you keep-a everything in your fix!
MAMA BARDLOW: Z-Y-X-X…
TOMACK: Yah!
MAMA BARDLOW: Oh, yes, four random letters that do not spell anything recognizable!
TOMACK: I don't know. What could it be? Anyway, it's stitchfix.com slash Zahxx.
MAMA BARDLOW: Zyxx!
TOMACK: Zyxx, Zyxx.
MAMA BARDLOW: Oh, our accents are-a so specific.
TOMACK: Sooo spesahfic!
[transition music]
[crew back on Bargie]
AJ: Whew.
PLECK: AJ, are you all right?
AJ: Yeah, that was a close one.
PLECK: [sighs] Yeah—
C-53: Did you get the chandelier outta your butt?
AJ: Yeah, that ship almost murdered us.
C-53: I gotta say, the fact that you're organic and can get through a situation like that without fear? AJ, I gotta say I'm impressed at how you dealt with all this.
AJ: Huh. Thank you, Mr. Pisspants Man.
C-53: That's… ooh. Yeah, that one I don't like. I don't like that one at all.
PLECK: Yeah, AJ, you can't.
AJ: Yeah. Well, that's what happened, so.
PLECK: Yeah, no, that's mean. To say.
AJ: We could rewrite history all day, but… those pants got pissed.
PLECK: AJ…
AJ: Somebody pissed ‘em. Wasn't me. Wasn't Papa.
PLECK: AJ, he's learning to be a person!
AJ: Think it was you.
PLECK: Don't be weird about it!
[door opens]
AJ: Speaking of weird…
JILSHA: Oh…
PLECK: Captain Jilsha!
JILSHA: Hey. I—I thought I was—
PLECK: So glad you could join us for the ride back to the Synergy.
JILSHA: [ashamed] Yes, I was gonna sneak behind you guys, and…
C-53: Yeah.
AJ: Yep.
C-53: Do you remember when you slammed the blast door in my face and then locked me out of my own ship?
JILSHA: Ooh… Not totally, hmm.
C-53: Hmm. Well, it was only about an hour ago, so it's sorta surprising you don't remember that.
JILSHA: Mmm…
C-53: Mm-hmm.
PLECK: Yeah, Captain Jilsha, we came to rescue you because you sent us a distress call.
AJ: [rollerblading over, sitting down] Yeah, so we just have to—not a big deal, we'll just all sit together. [awkwardly] Which is… not awkward at all, so… we'll just do that…
JILSHA: Great. Do you guys know any songs we can…
PLECK: Ahhh…
JILSHA: In the round or something?
PLECK/AJ: No, I don't—yeah, I don’t—/Oh… ehhh.
C-53: Well, I did hear this one that's like, [imitating metal growl] "SPACE IS WAAASTE."
PLECK: [imitating] SPACE IS WAAASTE.
C-53: SPACE IS WAAASTE.
BARGIE: I love that song. “Space is waaaste.”
JILSHA: [fearfully] Stop it! Stop it!
PLECK/AJ/C-53: Oh, sorry, sorry./Oh, sorry. Oh./Oh, sorry, I—yep.
JILSHA: No, no, no—
PLECK: I didn't know that was a part—
C-53: Yep, that's gonna be… uh, yeah, that’s—
JILSHA: That's the song playing when a lot of people I know were murdered.
C-53: That was the wrong song to sing, and I apologize.
AJ: Then maybe just silence? Do we just wanna all sit in silence on the—
JILSHA: Maybe silence.
PLECK: [sympathetically] Oh…
C-53: I'm so sorry.
AJ: Yeah, yeah.
JILSHA: Thank you.
[silence]
[scene transitions to Dar and Nermut returning to the Synergy]
[beeping, door opens]
DAR: [sighs deeply] Wow.
NERMUT: Well, haha… chalk that up in the old, uh… wow, what an experience. Right, Dar? That was…
DAR: Right… You're in a pretty good mood for someone who just failed to get a promotion.
NERMUT: Yeah, I guess so. Well… despite Beyornib being an utter and epic downer, I… I just really had a good time with you. And Dar, I… I don't wanna overstep. I know we're not in a relationship. You're on a solo mission, emotionally. I'm on a solo mission, emotionally and professionally. But—but we can do them together! Like we did here! Sometimes. I mean, if you—if you want to, again.
DAR: [agreeably] I think I… hear what you're saying, Nermut, and…
NERMUT: Yeah.
DAR: I think that sounds… really nice.
NERMUT: [softly] Aww.
DAR: And, you know, I was thinking, obviously, if the crew's still on their mission… [door opens] Just you and I… y’know…
NERMUT: …Yeah?
DAR: [suggestively] We probably have time for… another… mission.
NERMUT: [conspiratorially] Oh, a duo mission.
DAR: Yes…
NERMUT: Absolutely. Um, one request, um—[bag unzipping] Can—can we wear the jackets?
DAR: [under their breath] No.
DAR: [more loudly] …Fine. Fine, no, fine, fine!
NERMUT: Oooh!
DAR: I'll do it.
NERMUT: Okay!
DAR: I'll do it.
[sound of Dar forcing a jacket on]
NERMUT: That's my—oh, no—you tore my—that’s—
[ripping sound]
NERMUT: [disappointed] Ohhh…
DAR: [matter-of-fact] Couldn't have foreseen that happening. Could not have foreseen me mistaking the tiny jacket for my own.
NERMUT: Oh-ho-ho, come on, Dar...
DAR: Impossible.
NERMUT: Ughhh...
[scene transitions back to Bargie]
[sound of comms connecting]
SYD: Hey, Bargie.
BARGIE: Hold on. Private line.
[sound transitions to outside the ships]
BARGIE: Okay, we’re clear. What do you wanna say?
SYD: I just I wanted to ask you a—a little bit of advice.
BARGIE: Oh, sure. Yeah, whatever you need.
SYD: It's just… [SYD sighs dramatically] Sometimes when I'm flying around there are other ships that I see?
BARGIE: Right, yeah.
SYD: And, um… I… I don't always know how to fly past them? I don't know how to hold my ship? To look a certain way? And I don't…
BARGIE: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
SYD: I don't know how to… communicate with them?
BARGIE: Yeah.
SYD: How—how, Bargie, can I be—I feel so lame to ask it, but—
BARGIE: No, no.
SYD: How do you make another ship like you?
BARGIE: The Bargie trick? To get anyone to ever give you the time of day? And then you lure them in?
SYD: I'm listening.
BARGIE: One simple word. You just say, "Hey!"
BARGIE: [raspy yelling] “Hey!”
[SYD snickers]
BARGIE: It always works. You try it, c’mon.
SYD: Hey. Hey.
BARGIE: Louder. “Hey!”
SYD: Hyey.
BARGIE: “Hey!”
SYD: Hrryaey.
BARGIE: Yeah, make it a little longer, too. “Heeeeey!”
SYD: [doing her best to imitate Bargie] Hyaaay!
BARGIE: Ahhh, yeah. Yeah, more—deeper, and like—like as if you've been through wars, like, [even deeper and more threatening] “Heeeeeyyy! Heeey!”
SYD: [full-on growling] HAAAAY! HRRaaAAAY!
BARGIE: Oh, yeah. Oh, look, look! That ship near you! It just turned around!
SYD: Okay. I've got to go Bargie I need to go try to talk to them.
[SYD flies off]
BARGIE: Oh, so proud of you!
SYD: [furiously] HRAAAAAEYYY!
CAL: [Siri-esque cadence, deeper voice] Hello, this is CAL of the experimental ship the Mountain Sky.
SYD: HAAAAAIYYY!
CAL: It is a pleasure to talk to you now.
SYD: HRAAAAIGHHH. YAAARGH. HYRAIGH.
CAL: Oh man I blew that. I am such a nerd.
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter and Nib Nib were played by Alden Ford. Lead Envoy C-53 and CAL of the Mountain Sky were played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship, Yornind, and Tomack Bardlow were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Nermut Bundaloy and Lieutenant Commander O’Doul were played by Seth Lind. AJ and Be’Oth were played by Winston Noel. SYD of the Flower Baby and Captain Jilsha were played by special guest Edi Patterson. Edi plays Judy Gemstone and is a writer on HBO's The Righteous Gemstones. She also played Miss Abbott on HBO's Vice Principals and Fran in the film Knives Out. Follow her on Twitter @EdiPattersonHi. This episode was edited by Seth Lind, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor. Tatch music by Shane "Space Is Waste" O'Connell. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.
[Promo: Tiny Victories]
ANNABELLE: Hi, I'm Annabelle Gurwitch.
LAURA: And I'm Laura House.
ANNABELLE: And we're the hosts of Tiny Victories.
GUEST 1: My tiny victory is that I sewed that button back on the day after it broke.
LAURA: We talk about that little thing that you did that's a big deal to you, but nobody else cares.
ANNABELLE: Did you get that Guggenheim Genius Award?
LAURA: We don't want to hear from you. We want little bitty tiny victories!
GUEST 2: My tiny victory is a tattoo that I added on to this past weekend.
ANNABELLE: Let's talk about it!
GUEST 3: My victory is that I'm one year cancer free. But my tiny victory is that I took all of the cushions off the couch, pounded them out, put them back, and it looks so great.
LAURA: So if you're like us, and you want to celebrate the tiny achievements of ordinary people, listen to Tiny Victories.
ANNABELLE: It's on every Monday on Maximum Fun.
[Promo: Beef and Dairy Network]
HOST: The Beef and Dairy Network is a multi-award-winning comedy podcast here on Maximum Fun. And I would recommend you listen to it. But don't just take it from me: what do the listeners have to say?
LISTENER 1: I would rather stick a corkscrew inside my ear, twist it around, and pull out my ear canal like a cork, than listen to your stupid podcast ever again. Please stop contacting me.
LISTENER 2: Hell would freeze over before I recommended this podcast, the Beef and Dairy Network, to anyone.
LISTENER 3: Not in a million years. Actually, scratch that, make it a billion years. No, how long's infinity?
HOST: That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, available at MaximumFun.org, and at all good—and some bad—podcast platforms.
LISTENER 3: Disgusting.
Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned, audience supported.
[outtake begins]
JEREMY/C-53: Do you remember when you slammed the blast door in my face and then left with my ship?
EDI/JILSHA: Ooh.. not totally, hmm.
JEREMY/C-53: Hmm. Well, it was only about an hour ago, so it's sorta surprising you don't remember that.
EDI/JILSHA: Mm-hmm… hmm.
JEREMY/C-53: Mm-hmm.
[silence]
EDI/JILSHA: So, how much? [short pause] How much to stay on the ship?
ALDEN/PLECK: What? Oh—
JEREMY/C-53: Oh, that's—we're sort of post money, uh, so that's...
EDI/JILSHA: Okay, okay, I get it. Hand jobs.
JEREMY/C-53: [crosstalk] Oh, no no, no, absolutely—absolutely not. No.
ALDEN/PLECK: [crosstalk] No, no, no… Captain Jilsha…
JEREMY/C-53: Uh, it’s—no.
ALDEN/PLECK: Yeah, it’s not—yeah, we don’t…
EDI/JILSHA: Alright, then open the hatch. Shoot me into space.
ALDEN/PLECK: [crosstalk] No, no! Yeah, no, Captain Jilsha—
JEREMY/C-53: [crosstalk] Uh, nope. Jilsha, we’re not—we’re not gonna do that either—
MOUJAN/BARGIE: Alright, opening up my hatch.
JEREMY/C-53: [crosstalk] No—
ALDEN/PLECK: [crosstalk] No, no!
MOUJAN/BARGIE: Opening up my hatch.
ALDEN/PLECK: No, Bargie—