502: Themm and the Holograms [ft. Cody Lindquist and Charlie Todd]
So wait, is the crew dead!? AJ goes on a tour of doody. Nermut reflacts on being famous. C-53 gets some new wheel.
It’s your last chance to support us in the MaxFunDrive!
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SETH: Hey everyone, Seth Lind here. I play Nermut Bundaloy. So, this is it. These are the last days of the MaxFunDrive. And it's the final season of Mission to Zyxx. So this is the final time we'll ask you to support the show and help us bring it home in the most epic way possible; in a way we can't do without your help. But before I get to that, I actually want to read you a tweet. Okay, here's what this person said. "Does anyone remember that article about how podcasting is harder than people think and the podcast they interviewed for it was an improvised sci-fi podcast where they manned a spaceship and it had like eight people on staff for some reason?" And then someone comments, "You have to have a microphone." And then the original tweeter said, "That's it. That's all you need." Okay. So let's take the high road and set aside that someone randomly thought of an article about our show from three years ago and felt the need to tweet something, you know, perhaps not charitable and set aside that it is a lean seven people on the staff of Mission to Zyxx, not eight. Okay, those things aside, I want to share these tweets because I think that a lot of people might actually agree with the sentiment they express, maybe without even knowing it. But, you know, people who love podcasts and listen to them all the time, because come on, everyone has a podcast. The whole point is anyone can do it. It's people hanging out talking. I mean, that's not Mission to Zyxx, of course, but like, is Mission to Zyxx really so hard to make? It's improvised. What, like, and what costs money? So I'll get to that to our show and how we're counting on new support to close it out properly in just a sec. But what I want to say first is saying you need a microphone to podcast is like saying you need a laptop to write a screenplay. It's true, but it utterly misses the point. The point I think is that anything good, anything worth listening to, it takes work and time and all the sunk cost of developing the skills to be able to do it in the first place. I mean, even a chat show that sounds like a couple of people just shooting the breeze, if it's entertaining, there was thought and planning and production and editing that went into that. The tossed offness of it is… is a mirage. And on a show like Mission to Zyxx, I think that that's sort of exponential. The time is spent in the background and time, my friends, let me be the first to say is money. There was a now deleted reply to that same tweet saying something like, yeah, Zyxx said they spend 40 or 60 hours sound designing each episode, which, you know, that's true. And that's… that's a week or week and a half of full time work. When the hardest working person in sci fi audio, Shane O'Connell, isn't doing other work. This is his job, friends. Plus, our editors put in like 30 hours before that, taking a two hour improv recording down to 30 minutes, preserving the organic feel of it while honestly, like, carving it with a scalpel. I mean, if you saw the text threads between me and Alden about whether to cut or keep a single line, like whether that line is on character or pulls us away from the action, how long these threads are. I mean, you would. OK, maybe you think we're crazy and be inspired to tweet about it in three years. But just to say that, yes, the seven people who make Mission to Zyxx, we put a admittedly ludicrous amount of time and thought and labor and forego things that would pay way more with, honestly, just this this faith that people will choose to step up and help us do it because we have made an ambitious plan for this final season, the season that's going to stretch into 2022, a plan that is like everything that we do on this show, more grand than it has as a business being. And it's based on the idea that you all want us to go big and we'll help us do that. But new people who love the show will step in to help us enact it. And here's what that plan consists of. We have hired a booker for the first time in the history of the show. This is a person who has spent their career building relationships with established actors and comedians who can help us secure amazing guests. We don't have personal access to guests who, yes, have higher rates because they're famous and in demand, which means we're treating this like a TV show. It's not, hey, want to be on our podcast? It's “can we cast you, professional actor, in a role that you have in a role of your own design?” And to be clear, I'm not talking Meryl Streep or Idris Elba, though, Mr. Elba or Miss Streep, if you're listening, you are welcome to the show. What we're talking about are like just our favorite funny people in the world who would just kill it on this show who we don't know personally. And also, we've signed up for software subscriptions, fancy sound design software to take the sound of this show to yet another level. If that's possible, we will find the limit of what the ear can hear and what the Shane can do with software that is, of course, expensive. Hopefully we can keep those subscriptions running. And yes, we have reserved more recording sessions with our favorite 66 piece orchestra in hopes of having more brand new orchestral scoring music written and performed for the back half of the season. Music custom written for individual episodes. We talk about how every dollar that people give to support the show, you know, you end up hearing, but we're actually we're spending money on something you specifically can't hear. We've ordered elaborate transcripts, including annotations and stage directions of every episode of the show to make sure it's accessible. So people who are deaf or hard of hearing can still experience it. All those things, in addition to just the costs that have been there all along, we've committed to all those things because we believe you will make it possible. We're counting on new people to step up and join, or upgrade your membership, or even better sponsor a gift for someone who can't afford to join, which is this amazing thing that MaxFun is offering. So someone not in a position to pay will get access to the huge amount of exclusive member content you get for joining. I won't go into all those perks now because those things are really a way of saying thank you for supporting, not the real reason. The real reason is it's, you know, the only way the show exists. But here's the thing. The stuff I just said to you, you've probably heard us say it before and you haven't signed up to support, you haven't joined MaxFun. At least statistically speaking, chances are that you haven't. If you have, please literally pat yourself on the back right now because the show would not exist without you. Here, I'll pat my microphone, which of course you do need to podcast. But if you've heard us ask before and you've not supported the show, and that means you're one of three groups of people. Okay, one, you're not in a financial position to support the show. And let me say, one of the things we love best about MaxFun and making this podcast is that it is free and supported by those people who can for anyone and everyone who can't. So, Roddspeed, we love you. The second group, you are a casual listener of Mission to Zyxx. You enjoy it, but it wouldn't like, you know, ruin your day if the last season kind of petered out for lack of resources. There's a lot of shows to listen to. It's not your priority. Cool, totally get it. But if you're in this third group where you actually can afford to join at the $5, $10 level and you care about the show, you would find it a bummer if we weren't able to end it properly. You, you my friend, are who I want to speak to. I want to ask you from the bottom of our hearts to consider supporting the show because you are exactly like the people who are supporting it now. I think there might be this misconception that there's this magic line that separates you and the people who have joined up, but there really isn't. They care about the show just like you do. The only difference is they took that step to support it. Okay, so this is you. You care about the show. You got a little money per month to support it. Here's what I want you to do. Do it now. Like actually right now because you want to, you think it will probably feel good, but it is so easy to put off and not get to it. I am speaking to you wearing glasses that are literally held together with tape because I've been putting off ordering a new pair for an embarrassing number of weeks. So I get it. It's easy to put things off. So do it actually now. You are listening to this on your phone or your computer. Don't even pause. Go to MaximumFun.org/join because here's the other thing. This is literally the last time we'll ask. This is your shot. This is your shot to, and we really mean this, to make the show with us. Chatting with listeners and our members Discord every week about the newest episodes that have come out and about their theories about where the story is going, about all the completely non-existent contradictions in our canon. Alden is particularly good at explaining those away. Being with this community, it is such a huge part of the show for us. These are the people who are literally making the show exist. So yeah, now's the time. Last shot. Go to MaximumFun.org/join. Sign up at the level that's right for you. Choose Mission to Zyxx and the other MaxFun shows you listen to and let us know on social media when you do. We're @MissionToZyxx so we can shout your name from here in the ass-end of space and raise a glass of orange beer in your honor. I don't know, maybe in three years we'll even tweet out, "Hey, remember that person who helped us make the show?" Just one last note, please do not go after the person who tweeted that message I talked about. We appreciate that they shared a sentiment that helped us talk to you about this. Okay, thank you so much. Here is episode 502. I love this episode, which took, yes, way more work and way more time than some people would find reasonable, but we would not have it any other way.
[intro music]
[Crew frantically saying incomprehensible emotional goodbyes to each other]
C-53: -the sea captain thing now.
PLECK: [interrupting] Wait, hold on. The sea captain?
DAR: You're going to talk about the sea captain?
PLECK: We're going to hear about the sea captain finally?
C-53: [reluctant] Maybe you’re right, this feels a little…
PLECK: Aw, c’mon, C-53!
[the mysterious beam charges and transports the crew]
CREW: AuUGUUUUUGHHH!
[whirring distortion, the crew finds themselves in a strange place]
JUSTIN: Wha…?
DAR: Huh…?
PLECK: [happily] I'm alive! We're all alive!
JUSTIN: Are we in the afterlife together?
AJ: If this is death, we're going to blast our way out of here.
C-53: AJ, I don’t know that it works like that…
PLECK: AJ, that doesn't…
DAR: I think we need to stop assuming we're dead.
PLECK: I mean, yeah.
AJ: If we're not dead, what happened to us?
PLECK: AJ, I think what happened was that beam that the ship was pointing at us, like, teleported us here.
AJ: [realizing] Whoa. So we're back in Zyxx.
PLECK: [exhausted] No, no, I think we're...
AJ: We're back. I’m calling it. No, I'm calling it. We are back in Zyxx, baby.
DAR: AJ, it smells too good in here. It smells way too good in here.
PLECK: I think we're on the ship. I think we're in some sort of a holding cell.
[Pleck touches the walls of the cell and they hum with energy]
JUSTIN: Where’s Centurion?!
AJ: Justin, did you, like, aren't you… you guys still together or what?
PLECK: You sort of bailed on going with… Justin?
JUSTIN: I had a change of heart! Death does that to you.
PLECK: Well, we didn't die, though, clearly. I mean, we're all still...
JUSTIN: My heart is dead.
PLECK: Uh-huh. Huh.
[the door slides open]
AJ: Whoa.
JUSTIN: It’s one of those things that we saw earlier!
AJ: The Others who attacked the Others.
C-53: Okay, everyone, let's just relax by staying calm and acting professional. Maybe we can engage with them as equals.
AJ: Uh-huh.
DAR: You're right.
C-53: We are diplomats, after all.
PLECK: Yes, true.
CREATURE: [alien monstrous sounds]
CREW: [frantic] AAAAAAAAAAH!
[intro music]
NARRATOR: The Zyxx Quadrant feels further out of reach than ever. After drifting for months, crashing on an island planet, assaulting an alien away team, and narrowly escaping using stolen psychedelic fuel, the crew of the Bargarean Jade have been promptly beamed aboard a massive, ominous spacecraft. But, you know, A for effort. Deep in the bowels of the imposing vessel, our intrepid heroes, and Justin Ballwheat, must steel their nerves, face their fearsome captors, and throw Zalcatron 5000 firmly under the speeder bus if they ever hope to fulfill their Mission to Zyxx!
[bombastic opening]
CREATURE: [alien gibberish]
PLECK: [scared] Oh no!
JUSTIN: Eww!
C-53: I’m not understanding any of this. It's not registered at all on my translation algorithm. You know, these look almost exactly like Tellurians.
[the creature pulls out a humming rod and begins inserting it into the crew’s faces]
DAR: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
C-53: That's some sort of attack!
PLECK: Let go! Let go of me! [squelching] Oh! My nose!
JUSTIN: Eww!
AJ: Into the helmet, up my nose!
JUSTIN: It's going up my nose!
DAR: Oh, that was not my nose!
C-53: Oh, it went right down the slot!
[the alien gibberish morphs into normal, vaguely accented speech]
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: Oh welcome.
JUSTIN: What? I heard it.
DAR: Wait. Are they suddenly speaking…
PLECK: Regular?
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: The translation probes have reached your brains.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
DAR: That’s a translator you stuck in that chute?
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: Yeah, so sorry.
JUSTIN: Wait, can you understand what we're saying, like, literally right now in the second?
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: Definitely yes.
AJ: So if I said I think you're absolutely disgusting, we'll get--
PLECK: AJ, come on, that's not--
C-53: AJ, from a droid’s perspective, they look almost identical to Tellurians.
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, they've got sort of ridges on their heads, but--
AJ: [disgusted] I mean, the ridges are-- oh, I'm gonna be sick. It's just-- it's an unholy abomination.
PLECK: No, AJ.
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: I hope you enjoyed being transported upon our vessel. We sensed that your ship had limited fuel, so we pursued you to save you, and extracted you one by one.
PLECK: Wow.
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: And then, of course, you as a clump.
PLECK: We were all sort of huddled together as we sort of accepted death, I guess. Listen, we apologize for assaulting your team that was on our planet.
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: [cheerfully] Oh, no problem at all. They have recuperated 100% and send their salutations.
PLECK: Oh, really?
C-53: Well, that's very good of them.
DAR: Why?
PLECK: I thought we were gonna be in big trouble. [nervous laughter]
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: No, no, no. It is an understandable mistake that we forgive. Once.
PLECK: Uh, what?
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: The second time you attack us, of course, the penalty is quite harsh.
PLECK: Oh, wow, okay. It won't happen again.
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: Yes.
C-53: We also apologize for stealing a lot of your fuel.
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: Speaking of fuel, we were surprised that you were not able to leave the planet earlier, as you have a small fuel refining device here.
PLECK: What are you talking about?
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: This square machine.
[the translator insertion guy walks up to C-53]
C-53: No, no, no.
DAR: What? C?
C-53: I don't have anything to do with fuel.
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: You would simply slice the loconuts, put it in here to warm, and then boom, pure fuel.
DAR: I'm sorry, say what?
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: That is why we were on the planet. It is a wonderful source of loconuts that powers all of our ships.
DAR: Whoa.
PLECK: We could have left at any time?
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: Of course, from day one. Or if you wanted to wait longer, day two.
PLECK: Oh, boy. You always use that fuel, because it really messed up our ship?
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: [confused] I cannot see why. It is the purest form of fuel. I mean, as long as you do not do some boneheaded move, like pass it through a flamboo chute, which of course would taint it.
PLECK: Eeeh.
AJ: Bonehead as in, like, our head’s really strong?
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: No, it's stupid head.
AJ: Okay, stupid head. Got it.
PLECK: Yeah, listen, I should explain. We're travelers from another galaxy. That's why we don't know anything.
DAR: We also don't usually know anything.
PLECK: [laughing] That's true. That's why we know less even than usual.
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: Of course, of course, this is fine. We understand completely, and in time, I hope you will all grow to understand Themm.
PLECK: Uh, understand, sorry, who is them?
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: Us. We are Themm.
DAR: Is it us or them?
AJ: Yeah. I kind of prefer the Others, so can we just go with that maybe?
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: No, no, Themm is the name of our people, our species. We are Themm.
PLECK: Oh, you're called Themm?
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: Yes.
PLECK: Gotcha.
AJ: Well, we are us. But we're not, that's not our species.
PLECK: [laughing] Yeah, that's...
TRANSLATOR INSERTION GUY: You probably have many more questions. They will all be answered by our explanatory holograms. My job was only to insert the translators, and I have already overstepped. Goodbye.
[he exits the cell]
DAR: Why bye? Wait, what?
PLECK: He just left.
AJ: He just left the room.
PLECK: Uh…
[door opens and two holograms enter]
SVEN: Hello, welcome.
BEEJ: Hello, welcome.
PLECK: Oh!
C-53: Oh. Hi, hello.
PLECK: Hello.
JUSTIN: Who are you?
SVEN: We are holograms here on the RSS Synergy.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
DAR: [whispered] Pleck, do you know that word?
PLECK: Synergy? Yeah.
BEEJ: We're here to show you around.
SVEN: We will show you all parts of this grande class starship.
AJ: Oh, okay.
PLECK: Wow, that's great. I mean, because...
C-53: Sounds good.
PLECK: [relieved] Honestly, we thought our friends were dead, and then we thought we were dead, and then we thought we were going to be killed when we got here, so this is all a huge relief for us.
AJ: Yeah.
PLECK: So we get a tour of the ship, the RSS Syrrnergy? Synergy?
SVEN: Yes, it's a very large starship. There are over 2,000 residents, as well as over 4,000 uniformed officers!
PLECK: That's enormous.
C-53: Oh, so 6,000 people. Wow, that's quite a ship. Wow.
PLECK: Do you have names as holograms, or how does that work?
SVEN: Yes, my name is Sven!
BEEJ: And I'm Beej.
PLECK: Oh, okay.
C-53: Sven and Beej, okay.
PLECK: Sven and Beej, great to meet you. I'm Pleck Decksetter, emissary and seaman.
SVEN: You are the only person that looks like a person.
PLECK: Oh, I was just about to say the same to you. I'm so surprised that we're galaxies away from our home, and we sort of look the same.
AJ: [grossed out] I still think they look disgusting. [gags]
PLECK: Okay, AJ.
C-53: That's very rude to just…
PLECK: Yeah, again, that's rude. I think all of the Themm look like this
AJ: [gagging sounds]
C-53: Is the gagging necessary?
PLECK: Yeah, what are you doing?
AJ: They’re abominations before Rodd!
C-53: AJ, you're going to throw up into your own helmet.
AJ: You just don't look right.
SVEN: We are holograms, therefore we are the most representative version of our species.
BEEJ: [proudly] In other words, we're hot.
JUSTIN: Hey, holograms, holograms, I have a question for you, like a legit question.
SVEN: We are only here to answer your questions and show you around.
BEEJ: [cheerful] Any question you want.
JUSTIN: [distressed] Part one, are we dead? Part two, are we prisoners who are dead? And part three, where's Centurion? He's the love of my life.
SVEN: You are not dead. You have just been in our brig temporarily while we have evaluated whether or not you are a security threat. And our senior officers have decided that we are not concerned at all about you.
BEEJ: And number two, you're not dead. That was a second question too?
JUSTIN: Yeah.
C-53: Justin, I think we've pretty firmly established that we're not dead.
JUSTIN: But there was a part three too?
SVEN AND BEEJ: Yes.
JUSTIN: [sobbing] The part about Centurion?
PLECK: Here we go.
SVEN: Well, yes, they went through orientation.
BEEJ: We gave them a tour too.
JUSTIN: Did they look like they knew someone had replied to a DM?
PLECK: Oh Rodd.
JUSTIN: That wasn't from them?
PLECK: Justin, I don't know.
C-53: Yeah, Justin, they’re just not going to know the answer to this.
SVEN: Well, if DM stands for direct message, there was one individual who was constantly trying to plug into our computer mainframe to find a direct message.
PLECK: [surprised] Whoa, really?
JUSTIN: Oh, Centurion!
AJ: Justin just ran off.
PLECK: Oh, he just ran off. Justin, come back!
JUSTIN: Centurion! Where are you?
[Justin runs off]
AJ: Wow, sucks for Justin, having unrequited love for someone in the Others. Wait a minute. Oh. Oh no! [sobbing]
BEEJ: If there's anything we can do to help your emotional display, please let us know.
SVEN: If you would like us to give you a hug, we can provide that.
AJ: Okay, yeah, I could use a-- Wait, hold on, hold on. You can't hug me, you're made of light.
SVEN: Why don't you try?
BEEJ: We consent.
C-53: AJ, this might be good for you. Give it a shot.
AJ: Okay. [attempts tentative hug] I mean, it's--
SVEN: You can hug tighter than that.
AJ: That's weird, why would you-- Shouldn't they be like passing through me? Aren't they supposed to be like, not solid?
PLECK: Wow, these holograms are very advanced.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Sven, Beej, are you able to sort of tell us a little bit about the technology that brings you to life?
SVEN: Yes, we are holograms, we are entirely computer generated.
[long pause]
AJ: Okay, so--
PLECK: Okay, is that the whole explanation, or--
SVEN: Our ship's motherboard is constantly building matter and antimatter on top of itself, beaming light to allow you to touch us and feel us.
C-53: Wow.
PLECK: Wow, wait, matter and antimatter at the same time?
SVEN: Simultaneously.
AJ: But there's also light in there, how's-- what's the light do?
C-53: Well, that's the hologram.
SVEN: The light is reflacting and reflecting before your very eyes.
PLECK: [confused laughter] Wait, did you say-- sorry, did you say reflacting?
BEEJ: Reflacting.
PLECK: I don’t… I don't think we have that.
C-53: Yeah, Pleck, we can't expect their technology to have evolved the same way it did in the Zyxx Quadrant, y’know.
PLECK: I mean, Sven, Beej, you should know that where we come from, like a three-dimensional hologram doesn't look like you guys. It looks sort of like a crappy tape. You can see through it, there's a lot of scan lines that kind of pass through.
SVEN: How far away from home are you?
PLECK: Uh, that's actually a really good question. We don't really know.
DAR: Do you know how far we are from the Zyxx Quadrant?
BEEJ: Unfortunately, we're here just to make sure you have a good time, enjoy yourself, find some things to eat.
PLECK: Yeah, it's a hologram.
SVEN: Yes, you're asking us lots of questions about science and cartography. We're here to show you how the toilet works.
C-53: Yeah, we're maybe putting too much on.
PLECK: We haven't gotten out of the hallway yet, so we should probably--
C-53: We're still-- we should--really..
[transition, the crew has exited the holding cell and are strolling through the Synergy]
DAR: Wow, it actually looks like they're walking. I mean, the gait and everything, it's--
C-53: The simulation is perfect.
PLECK: It's very impressive.
JUSTIN: [in distance] Centurion! Where ARE you!
DAR: Yeah.
SVEN: Okay, come this way. Come this way. We're going to show you one of your quarters. This is just a sort of a showroom quarters. No one sleeps here, but it's--
BEEJ: This is like a model home. It's how some people would call it.
[The two open a door]
AJ: Let's check out how this toilet works.
SVEN: Okay, yeah, so this is a standard quarters here. The bed is there. This is the toilet. We have standing toilets only.
BEEJ: Only standing toilets.
C-53: Okay, all right.
AJ: Wait, do they-- you guys shouldn't use a toilet at all because you're holograms, right?
BEEJ: Uhhhhhhh…
SVEN: Oh, yeah, we've never used a toilet ourselves. We're speaking of our people.
DAR: AJ, Sven is demonstrating how one would use the toilet, but he's not actually using the toilet.
SVEN: [unzipping pants] Yes, I will stand above the toilet right now, and I will be doing a defecation, so please step back.
C-53: [trying to stop this] I don't know that we need a demonstration.
SVEN: This is very normal in our culture. People use the bathroom in front of each other. It's very normal. [begins shitting]
BEEJ: Very normal.
PLECK: Is that reflacting that I'm seeing right now?
BEEJ: [also shitting] It's reflacting feces. It's not real. You can touch it. You can eat it if you want. It's not. We have-- It has not covered the bacteria like real feces. It's fake.
AJ: We're not going to eat your shit just because we want to see if it reflacts. Am I nuts here? What's going on?
PLECK: AJ, AJ, listen. We don't know anything about Themm culture. It could be totally normal.
AJ: Uh, Papa, I think you mean their culture. You kind of sound like an idiot right now.
PLECK: It's Themm. They're called Themm.
AJ: [distressed] I don't care. They're telling us-- they're asking us to eat their shit. Like, we say no. It doesn't matter what galaxy we're in.
DAR: AJ... [crying laughing] AJ…
PLECK: [laughing] We don't have to do it. We just have to-- You have to consider it diplomatically.
DAR: Yeah, AJ, we've been--
AJ: What?
DAR: AJ, we've been working on this.
PLECK: Yeah, diplomacy.
DAR: You know, not making judgments on other cultures.
C-53: AJ, we are in a very different place.
[Sven and Beej flush the toilet]
AJ: I know. We're lost, man!
C-53: Okay, it's got different customs.
DAR: And we're guests!
BEEJ: Would you want to see the view?
DAR: We would love to see the view.
PLECK: Sure.
BEEJ: Okay, over here, I'll take you to the window. Now, what's best thing about this view is it can be whatever you want. So, what's your favorite planet?
DAR: Well, I mean, all our favorite planets might be long gone. After that giant explosion that was all Pleck's fault.
PLECK: [interrupting] Okay, we don't know. They might be gone. They might not be. Who's to say whose fault it could have been? But it was sort of my destiny, a little bit.
SVEN: Oh. I see you are renegades. Outlaws. Fugitives.
[Sven closes the door behind everyone]
PLECK: Oh, no, no, no.
SVEN: Dirty, dirty people.
PLECK: Wait, no.
SVEN: Dirty people that break the rules.
PLECK: Uh…
BEEJ: Anyway, the point of asking your favorite planet wasn't to get into an emotional breakdown state for you. It was just to say you could just pick whatever planet you want and type it into the keypad, and the planet will show up in your view.
DAR: Oh.
C-53: I suppose it's worth a shot. If this civilization has our galaxy in their database, we might have a way of communicating with it.
PLECK: Okay, sure. Let's see.. [typing] Rangus 6.
[The database beeps]
C-53: Hm. Not found.
SVEN: Do not know this planet.
BEEJ: No, I've never heard of that one.
C-53: Okay, well, then. Quantaris.
[C-53 smacks bread against the type]
PLECK: Yeah, C-53, you don't have to type with your toast. I'll just type it for you.
C-53: Sven, Paige, I know this is tedious, but I'm unfortunately in this toaster frame, so I just don't have any way of manipulating objects or moving around, so if you could–
BEEJ: I am so sorry. We did not offer beforehand. Of course we have something for you.
C-53: Oh! Wait, really? Oh, I can't tell you what a… relief.
[Beej rolls up a small wheel and begins screwing it onto the toaster]
BEEJ: It's called a caster.
C-53: Oh. Okay, so it's sort of a small wheel that you're attaching to the bottom of my toaster here.
BEEJ: And if you'd like, we can provide a string or something so maybe one of your coworkers can pull you around.
DAR: Ooh! Oh, Horsehat can just drag you around. That's so nice.
[Horsehat darts away with C in tow]
C-53: Oh! Here I go!
PLECK: Oh, C-53!
C-53: Catch you later!
PLECK: Okay, so Quantaris. [typing, beeping]
SVEN: Are you making these planets up? Is this a joke?
PLECK: No.
SVEN: Do you know if your home worlds are part of the COUP?
PLECK: Sorry, the coup?
SVEN: The COUP.
PLECK: There's a coup?
SVEN: The Coalition of United Planets.
BEEJ: Also known as COUP.
PLECK: Oh.
SVEN: Have you not heard of COUP?
PLECK: I guess not.
SVEN: Our mission is to seek out new worlds and, you know, confidently go where, like, other guys have never been.
[Horsehat brings C-53 back into the room]
PLECK: Oh, wow, cool. You know, where we come from, our galaxy is sort of-- I mean, honestly, sort of jucked up, if I have to be honest. You know that explosion that was sort of my fault slash destiny? I think that was a rift in reality, and we fell through it and landed here.
SVEN: What is this word that's not translating? It's some sort of profanity you have used?
BEEJ: Juck?
PLECK: Yeah, yeah. It's sort of catch-all profanity. It means anything from copulation to, you know--
BEEJ: Oh, it's like tooping.
SVEN: Tooping, yes, like toop.
BEEJ: Like, oh, you tooped it.
PLECK: Tooping?
SVEN: Yeah, don't toop it up.
BEEJ: That silly toop.
PLECK: Yeah, I like that.
C-53: We seem to be using it in pretty similar grammatical ways.
PLECK: Would you say, hey, toop you, man?
SVEN: Oh, yeah, toop you. We don't like you. toop you! But it can be good, too. It can be like, this soup is tooping awesome.
BEEJ: And I love the way you toop me.
PLECK: OK.
DAR: All right.
C-53: Yeah, it sounds like we found an analog.
PLECK: It's exactly the same word and It doesn't translate?
AJ: Yeah.
PLECK: OK, great.
SVEN: Cool, OK, but also, it's not appropriate to use words like this in an orientation.
PLECK: I'm sorry. I apologize.
SVEN: So are you ready to see another part of the ship? Because we would like to show you the gymnasium.
PLECK: Oh, sure.
DAR: [hesitant] I don't really know that any of us would likely use the gymnasium.
PLECK: [laughing] Yeah, no, we're probably not… Well, AJ would probably.
SVEN: OK, I've noticed that you're all different shapes and sizes and life forms, so I'm not sure of your exercise. But exercise is very important to everyone in COUP.
PLECK: Yeah, no, we know. We know. We're just really-- yeah, we're very busy.
DAR: We're being realistic.
SVEN: Sure, but you could wake up an hour earlier, I mean, even if you're busy, right?
PLECK: Yeah, we could, but we're sort of like, ah.
[The group enters an elevator]
AJ: So you guys exercise?
SVEN: Everyone in COUP gets up early or stays up late and goes to the gymnasium.
BEEJ: Even the holograms, yeah.
PLECK: Yeah, you guys do look, I mean, great, honestly.
SVEN: Well, thank you. We work really hard. Sure, technically, we could just get the computer to give us our muscles, but we like to earn them.
BEEJ: Yes, it just feels more cool.
AJ: You two, holograms. Workout?
PLECK: Yeah, wait a second. You guys look like that because you work out, not because it's part of the program?
SVEN: No, we started as very scrawny individuals with the program, and we've been going to the gymnasium in our off time.
[The elevator beeps and lets the group off]
AJ: Can I just have a moment with my friends just for one second, just to chat for a second?
SVEN: Of course.
BEEJ: Yes, privacy is very important to us.
SVEN: If you'd like a private conversation, you can just pause us, just pause the program.
AJ: What?
PLECK: Oh. Oh, yeah, OK. How do we do that?
SVEN: You just say pause.
PLECK: Oh, OK, pause.
SVEN: No, someone with a more authoritative voice, a deeper voice. It didn’t really take.
DAR: Uh. Pause.
[Sven and Beej stop]
C-53: Oh wow, see, they’re frozen in place.
PLECK: Wow.
AJ: That’s frozen. OK, here's the thing. I might not know everything, but there's one thing I know-
C-53: You MIGHT not?
AJ: I might not.
DAR: OK.
AJ: But if there's one thing I know--
DAR: Let's see where this is going.
AJ: It's about building muscle tone.
PLECK: OK.
AJ: And these things, whatever they are–
PLECK: The holograms?
AJ: Yeah, but how can they do it? You have to be real in order to get gains. You have to be real, that’s the whole thing!
PLECK: AJ, I got to say, I think that's part of the program. They design these characters to motivate you to use the gym.
AJ: But his eyes are moving! Like, I see his eyes moving.
PLECK: [laughing] Well, he’s paused.
AJ: [getting worked up] They're shitting in front of us. These are not light constructs!
PLECK: AJ, listen, suppose you're right. What's the goal? What would their--
C-53: What could they possibly be hiding from us?
PLECK: Yeah, what could they possibly want from us? They had us in the brig, and they let us out.
DAR: AJ, we just need to finish this tour so we can meet up with all of our friends.
AJ: You're right.
DAR: OK?
PLECK: Yeah, don't you want to see Nermut again?
AJ: Yeah, yeah, I mean, definitely. He's the one I want to see the most.
C-53: [laughing] Really?
AJ: Yeah, he's my favorite. Did you guys not know that?
DAR: [hurt] All right, well, I feel like I just learned something new today.
AJ: We just get each other.
PLECK: You and Nermut get each other.
AJ: Yeah, we're constantly-- remember when we killed that ice beast?
C-53: Yeah, that was not a great moment.
AJ: What can I say? I missed the lizard guy. Lizard Man.
PLECK: [exasperated] You missed the lizard guy? I just said his name like four times!
AJ: Yeah, I know.
PLECK: All right.
AJ: Lizard guy.
BEEJ: Just a reminder, if you want to unpause us, just say unpause!
SVEN: Yeah, any time. We're waiting for you to say unpause.
BEEJ: Any time, just say unpause!
PLECK: [laughing] I feel like maybe they heard that entire aside.
SVEN: What? No, we're not listening. We're not listening.
BEEJ: We're paused.
SVEN: We're like a smart speaker. We're only listening for the word unpause. That's all we're listening for.
PLECK: But you didn't hear it, but then you started talking anyway.
AJ: Yeah, you asked us for it…
SVEN: We're not listening now. We're just listening for unpause.
PLECK: All right, unpause, I guess.
[beat]
SVEN: It didn't work. If you tried it, it didn't work.
BEEJ: An authoritative voice needs to say.
C-53: Maybe, I- unpause?
SVEN: We are back!
BEEJ: We're back!
PLECK: [infuriated] The toaster works!? The toaster can do it!
SVEN: We don't know what we missed, but we are back.
BEEJ: We hope you had a really good conversation with each other that we absolutely were not listening to.
DAR: Oh, okay. That's a red flag, but I'm just going to roll with it.
AJ: I think they're real, guys. I'm telling you.
PLECK: All right. What's the next stop?
SVEN: Well, the replication station is next if you want to come see. This is where we make all of our food. You can ask for any food, any type of tea or coffee or anything that you want.
PLECK: Wait, really?
SVEN: Do you have replication station technology in the worlds that you come from?
PLECK: We actually don't. Wow. Could I get an orange beer, please?
REPLICATOR: [beeping] No.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: That’s weird.
SVEN: That's very strange. I've never heard a no. Someone else try. Someone with a more authoritative voice.
BEEJ: An authoritative voice.
C-53: Oh, perhaps just some plain bread. Sliced, please.
[Replicator chimes and ejects some bread]
AJ: So this food is made of light or antimatter?
BEEJ: It's real food. Why do you think it's not real food?
AJ:I don't know. I'm just confused.
PLECK: Listen, Beej, I'm sorry, but AJ, I don't think he really gets it. He doesn't know the technology.
AJ: Actually, the word is technolahjy, and I don't know the replicator technolahjy or the hologram technolahjy.
C-53: Okay. Wait. I think I have a question that might help clear things up for AJ. Sven, Beej, are you capable of eating this toast from the replicator?
SVEN: Yeah.
BEEJ: Yeah, we could eat it, and it would go reflacted down our throats.
SVEN: Eventually I would defecate it down while standing up.
BEEJ: You can eat it if you want.
AJ: [upset] We're not eating your shit. I don't know how many times I'm going to say it, but we're not eating your shit.
PLECK: AJ, that's not what they're saying.
AJ: It's not? It seems.
PLECK: No.
AJ: It seems like it's what they're saying.
PLECK: That's not what they said. Listen, just try some replicated food. We can move on.
AJ: Fine. Does it make protein paste?
SVEN: Sure.
AJ: Fine. I'd like a block of protein paste, please.
[Replicator chimes and emits a wet block of paste]
SVEN: Put it in your mouth and eat it.
AJ: Okay. [chewing] Oh. Oh, wow. This is great. Oh my Rodd. The paste here is way better than the paste back home.
PLECK: Oh, really? Yeah, great.
SVEN: So actually, in our world, defecation is turned into food?
AJ: What?
PLECK: That can't be right.
AJ: No!
SVEN: Yes.
BEEJ: Oh, yes.
AJ: No!
WALKER: Indeed, all personal waste is collected, purified, and re-nutrified to become delicious replicated food.
PLECK: I'm sorry, who are you?
WALKER: I'm just walking by.
AJ: No, I ate their shit. They tricked me into eating their shit! [sobbing]
WALKEE: I'm also walking by, and I couldn't help but overhear you did not go to the gymnasium, yet you still got dunked on!
BEEJ: Oh, boo ya!
[High five, transition]
AJ: Hey, Papa, when is this tour over? We've been walking so long.
PLECK: Yeah, AJ, the RSS Synergy is an enormous ship.
SVEN: It's a grande class starship.
AJ: Yeah, but they showed us a toilet twice. I've just, we're far away from home, and everything's weird and different, and I just, I miss Zyxx.
SVEN: I wish we knew what this Zyxx was!
PLECK: Yeah.
AJ: It's my home, and-
PLECK: We wish you knew, too.
AJ: -it's where we all belong.
SVEN: Okay, so this tour is almost over.
BEEJ: Let's just move this along.
AJ: Okay, okay.
SVEN: The next stop is the armory. It's right here. We're going to get some weapons for ourselves.
[Sven and Beej enter the armory and begin removing weapons]
BEEJ: Just for funsies.
SVEN: This is very standard protocol.
PLECK: Wait, sorry, the holograms are getting weapons?
SVEN: Yes.
PLECK: For themselves?
AJ: Just go with it!
DAR: Now, okay, now, AJ, yes, now I'm--
PLECK: Yeah, it's a little bit.
DAR: I'm a little curious.
AJ: Oh, really? Oh, really?
SVEN: Okay, so if everyone would like to get weapons, you can pick your own weapons.
BEEJ: Okay?
SVEN: We are a peaceful galaxy, so weapons are really just--
BEEJ: Just for fun.
SVEN: They're playthings.
BEEJ: Yeah.
SVEN: So just get some weapons for some cosplay.
PLECK: These weapons don't even look like guns. This looks like a remote control.
[Sven begins demonstrating the device]
SVEN: Okay, I'll show you how to work a weapon, okay? So there's a power button. There's an input button, so you can change the inputs. You can turn the volume. You can turn the volume up and down. You can change the channel of the weapon.
AJ: The channel of the weapon?
PLECK: Wait a minute.
SVEN: If you want to control the velocity, okay, you hit the rapid button right here, and you just touch that.
PLECK: Wait, are you talking about these two arrows pointing forward?
[Pleck pushes the button and the place it’s pointing explodes]
DAR: Whoa!
HORSEHAT: Wow.
PLECK: [terrified] Oh, my Rodd!
C-53: That's a proton separator!
PLECK: Yes!
C-53: [wowed] That should be under guard!
SVEN: Well, only people with high security clearance are allowed in this room, like the holograms, of course.
BEEJ: We trust you, so, you know.
C-53: How do we have high security clearance?
SVEN: Well, you're with us, so just get everyone, put two or three weapons in your pockets.
PLECK: Uh.
AJ: Okay, this is the first cool thing we've done. I mean, these holograms are pretty cool.
C-53: AJ, are you coming back around?
AJ: I mean, yeah. The reflacting weapon is technolahjy I can understand. I'm with Beej and Sven.
PLECK: Sorry, just to clarify, this happens every tour?
BEEJ: Yes.
PLECK: You guys as holograms come in and take weapons from the armory every tour?
BEEJ: Of course.
C-53: It sort of seems like you're stealing all these weapons.
SVEN: No, we're not stealing.
BEEJ: Okay, let's keep it moving. Right over here.
AJ: Yeah, let's keep it moving.
[The door opens and we can faintly hear Nermut jamming]
BEEJ: Quick, we don't have time to go in there. That's just–
C-53: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Incredible.
C-53: Is that Nermut?
DAR: Nermie!
PLECK: Hey, Nermut!
AJ: That's my favorite of the crew!
DAR: Nermut is playing a concert?
PLECK: In this room labeled "reflactorium"?
NERMUT: [singing] Far from home, yadda yadda yadda, all alone-
AUDIENCE MEMBER: [shouting] We like this individual.
DAR: Wait, why are there so many people crowded around Nermut?
NERMUT: [singing] Here I roam, under this strange dome! Oh oh oh, so far-
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Incredible! Sign my torkis!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: No, sign my torkis!
NERMUT: I've never had such a big audience get so crowded like this. Thanks so much, everyone. This is great!
AUDIENCE: We love you, Nermut! I enjoyed this music.
PLECK: Nermut, Nermut, over here.
NERMUT: Hey guys, guys!
PLECK: What are you doing up there?
NERMUT: I was finally discovered! Look at this enormous crowd.
AUDIENCE: [screaming] Yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. I'm crying tears of joy!
PLECK: What are you-- How long have you been here?
AUDIENCE: That's what I call music.
NERMUT: Sorry, sorry, this is so loud. One second.
AUDIENCE: Sing it agai-[powers off]
[The crowd disappears around Nermut]
C-53: Oh, so a reflactorium.
PLECK: Yeah, that makes--
C-53: Okay, I get it.
PLECK: Reflectorium, it's sort of a virtual–
DAR: It's a fantasy.
PLECK: It's all holograms then.
C-53: Yeah, that actually explains a lot.
PLECK: It all makes sense, Nermut!
NERMUT: Yeah, you can sort of see I'm standing on this deck with all these holes that project the holos.
PLECK: Yeah, we know what-- Yeah, we get it.
NERMUT: Okay, cool. Oh, you guys are on the tour. The tour is fun. The tour guides are a little drab, but it was cool!
PLECK: Drab?
NERMUT: Yeah.
DAR: They didn't make you eat their own shit?
PLECK: Yeah, did you eat the shit, though?
NERMUT: I'm sorry?
AJ: Hey, wait, Nermut.
NERMUT: Yeah?
AJ: Were those your hologram tour guides?
NERMUT: Oh, is it Tilda and Oomph?
PLECK: What? Tilda and Oomph? No, no, no, this is Sven and Beej.
DAR: Those ones with the weapons.
NERMUT: [confused] No, all the tours are led by Oomph and Tilda. Multiple copies of their holograms can be doing the tours simultaneously or attending my concert and loving it.
AJ: Okay.
PLECK: Listen, we're just going to finish this tour. We're going to come catch up with you, bud.
NERMUT: Okay! [Nermut restarts the Reflactorium]
BEEJ: Come follow us. Let's hurry up.
DAR: Okay, Sven, Beej, looks like you have some explaining to do.
AJ: Yeah.
PLECK: Sven and Beej…
SVEN: Okay, I can tell that everyone is getting a little restless, and it is good to know that there's only one more stop on the tour.
BEEJ: Last stop, and we finally discovered where it is, so that's exciting.
C-53: Listen, obviously there's something in play here that we don't understand as outsiders, so let's just play along, finish the tour, and get out of here.
SVEN: For the last stop on the tour, we will take a look at your ship so that you may get your personal belongings and bring them back to your quarters here on the RSS Synergy.
[The group walks into the hangar]
BEEJ: Okay, so here we are.
PLECK: Hey, guys, look, it's Bargie.
DAR: My favorite!
C-53: At last, a familiar hull!
BEEJ: Which ship is yours?
PLECK: The Bargarean Jade, right here. Hey, Bargie, how are you doing?
BARGIE: [tired] I am so bored.
PLECK: I'm sorry, are you–
BARGIE: None of these other ships are talking to me. I’ve just been giving my backstory for hours on end now. I don't even know where I am.
PLECK: You look great, though, Bargie.
BARGIE: [happy] Thank you. They fixed me up. They made me red!
PLECK: [laughing] Yeah, wow, look at that racing stripe.
DAR: I honestly really like it on you, Bargie.
C-53: It's kind of working for you.
DAR: Yeah.
BARGIE: Thank you. Did you guys figure out how to get back to the Zyxx Quadrant?
PLECK: Yeah, we're working on it, Bargie. Sven, Beej, this is the Bargerian Jade. She's a sentient starship.
SVEN: Oh, so your ship is almost like us, a computer that can talk.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, it's pretty clear you guys are just regular people, but sure.
BARGIE: If you see any reviews for Sherk 5, do not show them to me.
SVEN: Okay, I'm not--this is very embarrassing, but is there a bathroom here on this ship? Because--
[Sven and Beej walk onto Bargie]
PLECK: No, that can't be right.
BEEJ: When you got to go, you got to go, you know?
PLECK: We do have one. It's right down the hall to the right.
AJ: We can't let him shit in Bargie!
[Sven and Beej enter the toilet]
BEEJ: No, that's not a toilet. That's a--like a soup bowl.
SVEN: What is this seat? My feet can't comfortably stand on this structure.
PLECK: No, you sit down.
C-53: You don’t stand ON it.
PLECK: Yeah, you sit on it.
BEEJ: You sit down. Do you not fall asleep when you--
C-53: No..
DAR: Sometimes.
AJ: Sometimes.
PLECK: Listen, Sven, you don't need to demonstrate to us how to use our toilet. We know how to use our toilet.
SVEN: No, the tables have been turned. You're giving me orientation for this toilet. It's very strange.
BARGIE: Okay, sorry, I'm sensing waste on my wall?
PLECK: Oh, no, Sven, come on.
AJ: [screaming] No, you won't shit on Bargie!
SVEN: Okay, why are you running at us?
[AJ uses the proton separator]
AJ: Input video one…. What's menu?
PROTON SEPARATOR: Subtitles on.
AJ: What does menu call up? Stop. Whoa!
[Sven and Beej are knocked out of Bargie’s hatch by AJ]
BEEJ: [shouting] Ah, ooh.
DAR: Hachi machi! AJ just macho-joed them right out of Bargie's hatch.
C-53: Flerpferno, indeed.
AJ: Thank you.
PLECK: AJ, what are you doing?
AJ: Nobody shits on Bargie.
ALARM: Interloper alert. Interloper alert.
PLECK: [nervous] Oh, no, AJ, let them go. Let them go.
AJ: I don't care if I'm an interloper. I don't care.
SVEN: You're going to be arrested!
PLECK: [yelling] AJ, we're going to get in trouble! AJ, remember what that guy said? The second time, there's a penalty! You've got to let them go.
[A group of security members run into the hangar]
GARBO: There they are, interlopers!
AJ: Here comes some of those disgusting aliens with their--
SVEN: Use your remotes. Use your remotes!
BEEJ: Get the guns. Get the guns!
SVEN: Shoot everyone. All of you, shoot everyone with your guns!
C-53: [confused] Shoot everyone? Wait a minute…
BEEJ: [shouting] Turn the volume up.
PLECK: Shoot everyone…?
SVEN: Everyone who’s not us, shoot everyone! It’s an emergency! Do you hear this? Do you hear the red alert?
AJ: I'm still going to hold onto them.
BEEJ: Get the channels right!
SVEN: Press the record button!
GARBO: There they are, the interlopers! The interlopers!
PLECK: Listen, there's been a huge misunderstanding. We didn't mean anything by this.
GARBO: Not you! You heroes have tackled the interlopers. And I, Garbo, thank you.
PLECK: Oh.
OOMPH: Those are the two who have tied us up!
PLECK: Wait, Sven and Beej tied you up?
OOMPH: Yes. It is I, Oomph.
TILDA: And I, Tilda.
PLECK: Wait, so you're–
AJ: What?
PLECK: You're the actual holographic tour guides, but you can be tied up?
TILDA: Yes.
OOMPH: Well, we are reflacted, so it is possible to--
PLECK: [laughing] No… I don't need to know.
TILDA: Well, you asked.
OOMPH: You asked the question...
AJ: Wait, so if you guys are holograms, who are these guys?
GARBO: Did you not hear the alarm? They are interlopers.
PLECK: No, we heard the alarm.
BEEJ: [cheerful] OK, you caught us.
SVEN: OK, it looks like we've been tooped. We are stowaways. We were trying to steal your ship.
BEEJ: But it didn't work out.
MEWCHE: Larse, Garbo, it is time to send these interlopers to prison now.
LARSE: Yes.
GARBO: Affirmative, Mewche.
SVEN: No, no, we cannot go back to prison where we only have a queen-size bed.
PLECK: Wait, back to prison?
LARSE: No, I'm sorry. These are the rules. You will be fed four organic meals a day, and that is the law.
SVEN: [horrified] Four meals? That is not enough!
BEEJ: No snacks?
LARSE: No snacks, other than, of course, your daily fruit bar and, of course, nut log.
MEWCHE: I will need you to make a decision now on which intramural sport you would like to play on Fridays.
SVEN: I will choose hotball.
BEEJ: And I will choose brownball.
MEWCHE: Noted. [clicks option on pad]
AJ: Wow, this prison sounds pretty good…
PLECK: Sounds pretty good here.
SVEN: It is horrible. It is the worst.
MEWCHE: Now, if you could please show yourself to prison, we trust that you will get there on your own.
SVEN: Yes, we know the way.
BEEJ: We'll be there.
GARBO: Very good. Make sure to drop your weapons back in the armory.
BEEJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, sure.
LARSE: Thank you for complying with this justice result.
[Security walks away]
AJ: Whoa.
PLECK: Wow.
BARGIE: Wow, they're really nice here.
SVEN: It has been so great to meet all of you.
BEEJ: It was so nice to meet all of you.
SVEN: And now we will walk ourselves to prison. So I hope that you live a long time and have prosperous journeys!
PLECK: Wow. How does he do that thing with his fingers? That's really cool.
DAR: Yeah, I can't reflact my fingers that far apart. Believe me, I have tried.
SVEN: Goodbye.
BEEJ: Goodbye.
[Sven and Beej walk off to prison]
AJ: All right. Here's the thing, guys. How can a hologram go to prison?
PLECK: [laughing] No. AJ, they're not. They're not holograms.
AJ: That's what I’m saying! That’s what I’m saying!
PLECK: We're on board now. Yeah, no, you were right.
C-53: You were right, we’re all-
PLECK: You were right, AJ.
AJ: Okay.
[Garbo rolls in a large cart]
GARBO: Pardon me, nut log cart.
PLECK: Wow, they bring it around… They bring it around here. Great. Yeah, I'll take a nut log.
C-53: They're piping hot.
GARBO: Yeah, watch it. Very hot.
AJ: I'm going to pass.
GARBO: Oh, do not worry. The defecate has been completely re-nutrified!
AJ: [upset] No, I don't want any. I don't want any!
GARBO: Okay. All right.
[transition]
PLECK: Garbo, Larse, Mewche, can I just say, you have an amazing ship here.
LARSE: Thank you.
PLECK: Even though that was a fake tour conducted by criminals, we learned a lot.
GARBO: Oh, that's excellent, Envoy Decksetter.
PLECK: [confused] Sorry, what?
GARBO: Oh, I said that's excellent, Envoy Decksetter.
PLECK: I'm sorry, who is--
GARBO: Excellent.
PLECK: Who is-- yeah, right, I got that part. Who is Envoy Decksetter? Is that me?
GARBO: Do I have your last name wrong? I thought it was… Pleck Decksetter?
PLECK: No, that's correct.
GARBO: Yes, okay, then we are understood.
MEWCHE: The files show that you also answer to Sugarcane. Would you prefer to be Envoy Sugarcane?
GARBO: It's no problem.
PLECK: No, but I'm not an envoy, I'm a--
BARGIE: Wait, I can translate here. I've had this conversation in many a holo meeting. Basically, what the deal is, is we're now part of a new society, and they're giving us new jobs because we're not going home anytime soon.
GARBO: That is accurate. Thank you, Envoy Jade.
PLECK: Oh, wow, Envoy Jade.
DAR: Bargie, does that happen in a lot of Holowood contracts?
BARGIE: Basically, and if you're bad, they lock you into a tiny box, which is what they did with a lot of the child actors!
PLECK: [horrified] Oh my Rodd.
GARBO: [chipper] This is where the comparison thankfully breaks down.
BARGIE: Just like Sherlope Pinconk.
PLECK: Wait, Sherlope Pinconk was–
C-53: They locked her in a box?
BARGIE: Yep, notoriously, for 17 years.
DAR: But she was that adorable--
PLECK: Yeah, she was like six years old.
DAR: --with the ringlets and like--
BARGIE: You should have seen her when she came out of the box.
PLECK: Oh, no.
BARGIE: Oh, wow. YiiiIIkes.
PLECK: Tough business. Tough business.
AJ: But, Garbo.
GARBO: Hmm?
AJ: You know, Bargie was saying we can't go home. We'll be able to go home, right?
LARSE: The truth of the matter is your home is so far away, we don't know if you will ever get home.
PLECK: What does that mean?
GARBO: It is unfindable.
LARSE: All of your star maps do not correspond with the part of space that we are in.
GARBO: We cannot find it. Even if we could locate this supposed Zyxx quadrant, it would take centuries to get there. And before then, you would all be dead.
PLECK: Thank you, Garbo.
BARGIE: Now, have you heard of Ship, Please?
GARBO: No.
MEWCHE: I'm sorry, no.
BARGIE: [deadpan] Wow, we are doomed.
AJ: What about all of our like friends and all the people we met?
C-53: They may be looking for us.
DAR: But it's likely that they're not.
PLECK: Yeah, I think that's pretty unlikely.
BARGIE: Nah, I have a lot of bridges I’ve burned, so.
GARBO: Luckily, your job is much to make new friends.
PLECK: What do you mean?
LARSE: Surely you would want to have some purpose in our society and not be a loafer or a layabout.
PLECK: Uh, yeah, I mean, I guess.
DAR: Were the options to be loafer, layabout, or useful?
GARBO: We gave a few options to your small manager, and he--
PLECK: You're talking about Nermut?
GARBO: Yes, Nermut.
MEWCHE: Nermut Bundaloy has already established you will be going out and making friends on behalf of us.
GARBO: Themm!
LARSE: And of course, the COUP.
PLECK: Um.
AJ: Wait, what?
[Nermut skitters up]
NERMUT: Hey, guys, did you hear the news?
PLECK: Nermut…
AJ: Nermut.
PLECK: Where did you get that uniform?
GARBO: Oh, you'll of course all get these uniforms.
[Garbo hands the crew uniforms]
PLECK: They're so shiny.
AJ: Tight.
NERMUT: Yeah, it's wet look.
PLECK: Sorry, Larse, Mewche, Garbo. Can we just talk to our friend Nermut here for a second?
AJ: Pause.
PLECK: Yeah, no, these are actual people. AJ, you can't pause–
AJ: Pause.
PLECK: Yeah, you can't pause them.
MEWCHE: Larse, Garbo, let us give them privacy.
LARSE: Sure, of course.
GARBO: We call this a pause.
[Pleck pulls Nermut aside]
PLECK: OK, all right, fine. Nermut.
NERMUT: Yeah?
PLECK: What are you doing? What are you doing? Are you trying to get us a job here on the Synergy?
NERMUT: Trying? Succeeding!
C-53: Nermut, we're not even from here. Are we qualified to do this job?
PLECK: We can't be diplomats. We're in the wrong galaxy.
NERMUT: I mean, it's not like we know anything particularly about the galaxy we're from.
C-53: Wow, that stings a little bit.
BARGIE: Hey, Burfin, how much, uh, how much they paying us?
NERMUT: That's the cool thing. There isn't money here.
PLECK AND BARGIE: What?
C-53: Is that a cool thing?
BARGIE: [angry] Toop this!
NERMUT: I think it's cool. They're post-money.
PLECK: What does that mean?
BARGIE: Post-money.
AJ: What?
NERMUT: I mean, eventually every society will realize that money is a fiction, and then, of course, ban it.
BARGIE: Wow.
PLECK: Sure, but it's a reality to us, I mean.
NERMUT: Not anymore.
BARGIE: Hey, Berrrfin, I'm going to say this as kindly as I can. Toop you.
NERMUT: See, Bargie's already got the lingo! Just think of it, guys. We're going to go on missions to strange worlds on behalf of the Coalition Of United Planets.
DAR: But the options were loafing, laying about, or being useful.
PLECK: [upset] Yeah, we could have been loafing. Loafing Nermut!
NERMUT: Exactly.
C-53: I don't want to imply that I'm a great loafer, but it just seems like–
DAR: You're a toaster. You're literally a toaster.
NERMUT: Yeah, you definitely are involved with loaves.
C-53: Okay. You're abusing the homonym.
NERMUT: And C-53, you can't really loaf, because you are the lead envoy.
PLECK: Wait, what?
C-53: Huh.
NERMUT: Yeah.
C-53: So, sort of a leadership position, then.
NERMUT: Definitely.
PLECK: Hey, hey.
C-53: When I told the Themm that we have an AI whose only job is protocol, they were like, "Boom, in charge."
PLECK: That's great, C-53. Good job.
DAR: [curious] And what did you tell them about me that put me not in charge?
NERMUT: Oh, I guess that didn't come up.
DAR: Huh.
PLECK: Listen, Dar.
NERMUT: Sorry. You were such a good captain.
DAR: [thrilled] Hah!
[Dar cartwheels around the hangar]
PLECK: Oh, whoa. Look at all those cartwheels.
NERMUT: Geez. No handed!
DAR: [enthusastic] I'm not responsible for anyone but me! And my child, but mostly me!
C-53: They’re taking this pretty well!
PLECK: Congratulations all around, I guess. Mostly to C-53 and Dar. Things are sort of the same for me and AJ, but... Wait, hold on, though... Nermut, what are you doing? I get that you want to be useful, but, like, we need to get home. We need to get back to the Zyxx Squadron. Who even knows what exists anymore?
NERMUT: Yeah, that's part of the good news. The Themm and all of COUP, they're fascinated by us and their lack of knowledge of our home galaxy. So while we're going out on missions, they will be devoting all of their resources, not money, to…
C-53: I don’t know how much you have to stress the "no money" thing.
BARGIE: I don’t like that part.
NERMUT: We're past it.
BARGIE: I'm not past it.
NERMUT: They will be devoting their resources to trying to find a way home for us, back to the Zyxx Quadrant. This is great.
AJ: Wait, so what about the Others? Are the Others... Are we all doing this together? Do I have to, like...
NERMUT: Everyone who didn't opt to loaf has been given an amazing job here on the Synergy.
PLECK: So we could have chosen to loaf.
NERMUT: Yes.
PLECK: Who opted, Nermut? Who opted to loaf?
[transition]
WAITER: Another drink, Mr. 5000?
ZALCATRON: MAKE IT A DOUBLE.
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53, Larse, Oomph, and Zalcatron 5000 were played by Jeremy Bent. Dar, Mewche, and Tilda were played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship and Justin Ballwheat were played by Moujan Zolfighari. Nermut Bundaloy, the translator insertion guy, and Garbo were played by Seth Lind. AJ was played by Winston Noel. Beej and Sven were played by special guests Cody Lindquist and Charlie Todd. Cody is an actress, comedian, and writer who plays Melania Trump on Our Cartoon President and has appeared on Broad City, Master of None, The President’s Show, Difficult People, and Law and Order SVU. Charlie is the founder of Improv Everywhere, producing and directing the group’s work since its creation in 2001. He also works in television, recently serving as the executive producer of the Disney+ series Pixar in Real Life. Charlie was a performer at the legendary Upright Citizen’s Brigade theater for over eighteen years. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor. Additional music by Shane O'Connell. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. This is the last week of the MaxFunDrive, the final drive of our final season. A huge thank you to everyone who has supported us over the years and to MaxFun for being such a wonderful community of creators and listeners. And the party isn’t over! Just go to maximumfun.org/join.
MAXIMUM FUN: Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned, audience supported.
CHARLIE: We were going to steal your ship because there was a spa on another planet that we wanted to go to.
CODY: We thought it looked like fun, so…
ALDEN: What did you-what were you in prison for?
CODY: It was a thing with, um, with the feces…
JEREMY: Was it tricking people into eating your own shit?
CHARLIE: Yes, you’ve guessed it, I don’t know how you’ve guessed it but that is it.