Episode 105: A Critical Vulnerability [ft. John Murray]
The crew has an unexpected encounter at the Tiger Nebula Strip Mall. DAR takes a stand by sitting. Pasts are reckoned with. PLECK gets a Blue Julius.
+ Episode Transcript
NARRATOR: The period of civil war has ended. The rebels have defeated the evil galactic monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance. Now, Ambassador Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx.
[Intro music]
C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, you look confused.
PLECK: Oh, I'm just trying to make my way through this briefing of yours.
C-53: Oh, are you having trouble?
PLECK: Uh well no, it's just a lot of history so I'm trying to kinda, you know, parse it out. I'm reading about the Council of Seven.
C-53: Ah, an excellent subject to read about, Ambassador Decksetter.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: They are the group of seven best friends who founded the Federated Alliance
PLECK: What a coincidence, right? That they're seven best friends.
C-53: I'm afraid it was no accident, Ambassador Decksetter.
PLECK: Oh, were they friends before they founded the Alliance?
C-53: Well I suggest you read on in my informational briefing.
PLECK: Oh. It says they became seven best friends after agreeing to unite the galaxy with a Federation of Alliances.
C-53: It seems like founding a galaxy wide government would be a great way to bond with six other people.
PLECK: I guess so. The six other most powerful people in the galaxy.
C-53: Exactly.
PLECK: Well I for one am glad they're friends, you know?
C-53: I as well.
DAR: But how close are they really?
C-53: Well Dar, you are welcome to read my informational briefing as well.
DAR: Ahh, but that's information that they put out there. I'm just saying I'm someone that could only really have one best friend and couldn't have six best friends.
PLECK: Hm.
C-53: Hm.
PLECK: I mean it says here they have a standing brunch date.
DAR: Sure.
PLECK: Every week.
BARGIE: I have a standing brunch date and you guys always come. You have to sit there while I pour my heart out to my fellow best friend ship.
PLECK: I mean the best ships of all are 'friendships'.
DAR: Ugh.
BARGIE: I don't get it.
C-53: Ambassador Decksetter..
BARGIE: I don't get it.
DAR: Come on
[The beeps and boops of an incoming transmission]
C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy.
[Transmission starts]
[Nermut sighs]
DAR: Hello Nermut!
PLECK: You start every call with a sigh, Nermut.
NERMUT: No I don't!
PLECK: You need to relax.
NERMUT: No, I... You guys understand that a sigh is a response to something in one's life that is very stressful? It's a way of trying to let out an emotion that you're trying to hold in so hard.
PLECK: I mean yeah that's true.
DAR: Why hold it in any longer, Nermut?
NERMUT: Okay, I'm sorry if I'm stressed. Just before dialing you I got a note that I'm supposed to be with my superiors about the quote, "K'hekk situation".
EVERYONE: Ohhh...
NERMUT: I'm not exactly...
C-53: Our apologies, Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy.
NERMUT: Not exactly looking forward to that but I'm sure I will be able to represent us as having done the best we could, after all we repelled them.
C-53: We did repel them, that's true.
PLECK: Dar repelled them.
NERMUT: Yeah.
DAR: Mm.
C-53: Is there a mission we are about to undertake?
NERMUT: Yes. The mission is furnishings replacement.
[Dar gasps]
BARGIE: I like this one.
DAR: We love this one!
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Oh.
C-53: Our mission is to buy new furniture?
NERMUT: Exactly, so if you look around you you can of course see that couch in the middle is... 70% devoured and 22% burnt.
PLECK: Yep.
NERMUT: I dunno C-53, that was a guess...
C-53: That is actually fairly accurate.
NERMUT: Hey!
C-53: It's about 71% consumed and 19% burned but, ya know.
NERMUT: Not bad.
C-53: That's a pretty good eyeball.
PLECK: That's actually very, very close.
DAR: Yeah!
NERMUT: So anyway, between the K'hekk eating the furniture and Dar in heat burning them up we obviously need to outfit Bargie, and I've cut a deal where only 50% of it has to come out of your pay.
DAR/PLECK: What!?
NERMUT: Yeah, normally if this happened it would just be completely out of the ambassador team's pay and I'm getting the company to pay for half.
DAR: But they should pay for... all of it. The bugs!
PLECK: We were ambushed by bugs!
NERMUT: Yeah.
DAR: And frankly, burning the furniture is a medical condition, so... I feel like I'm being...
NERMUT: Yeah...
BARGIE: Also I'm gonna interject here because if you're gonna furnish me, you're not gonna get some cheap couches, okay? I only have one inside of me and I want it to be furnished with the finest material.
PLECK: Your body's a temple!
BARGIE: Mm-hmm!
DAR: Well Pleck, since you agree why don't you cover the half?
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: Okay?
PLECK: Sounds good!
NERMUT: Yeah they're willing to have it on credit where you'll just owe them however many weeks of labor.
PLECK: That's fine.
NERMUT: So C-53 if you just want to project the list of nearby malls?
[C-53 projects a list of nearby shopping malls]
C-53: We're within a few light-years of the nearby Tiger Nebula Strip Mall.
PLECK: Oh. Sounds high quality.
C-53: Well, high quality or not it does contain a furniture store. Shall we proceed there, Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy?
NERMUT: Great, totally, yeah. 'Your call on which mall,' as they say.
DAR: 'As they say'?
PLECK: Who says that.
C-53: Is that an expression?
NERMUT: No, I just said a sentence that just happened to rhyme.
C-53: So, it's as you say.
NERMUT: Right.
PLECK: This is very exciting, we're gonna go, we're gonna outfit Bargie with a brand new couch...
C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, are you excited for a mission where we buy a new couch?
NERMUT: Well think about this. This is a mission that has like, a seriously high probability of success! You guys are buying couches!
DAR: Agreed!
PLECK: What could possibly go wrong?
NERMUT: What could go wrong.
DAR: What could possibly go wrong?
C-53: Almost seems like we're tempting fate by saying it so many times...
[Music]
ROLPHUS TIDDLE: Hello, can you hear me? This is rebel leader Rolphus Tiddle. Support for the rebellion against the lame Federated Alliance comes from MeUndies. Being a rebel involves a lot of calisthenics and a lot of desk work. Either way the most annoying situation possible is uncomfortable undergarments. Luckily the official underwear of the rebellion comes from MeUndies. MeUndies will be the most comfortable pair of underwear you will ever own. Made from sustainably sourced naturally soft fabric that is three times softer than cotton, unlike Alliance issued skivvies which are 20% as soft as rusted iron. Not soft! And get this: MeUndies comes with a 100% satisfaction guaranteed. You will love your undies or you get your money back. Order now and get 20% off your first pair plus free shipping, just go to MeUndies.com/zyxx. Z-Y-X-X for that special offer. That's MeUndies.com/zyxx. Rolphus Tiddle in very soft underwear, dropping the hot mic!
[Music]
PLECK: Alright guys here we are, Z's furniture.
[Something glass shatters]
LADY: That chair was broken already! Here, you sit on your own chair!
SHOPKEEP: Miss, I don't-
LADY: You sit on that chair that hasn't been sold yet right now and you tell me it's still functional!
SHOPKEEP: Well, you know I have a policy: No sitting in the store. You know miss, if you could just leave my store I think that would be better.
LADY: Well I hope you get the Black Death Disease!
SHOPKEEP: You know what? I've already had it and I beat it, okay? I'm in remission, thank you very much.
LADY: You know what!? I'm gonna sit on every single chair at this place!
SHOPKEEP: No, no! Don't do that!
LADY: I'm sitting on one- [It collapses under her into sand] It turned into sand!
SHOPKEEP: Alright, get out of here.
LADY: You know what? I'm gonna throw up!
SHOPKEEP: Please do it outside.
[Lady storms out of the store]
PLECK: That lady was super upset.
C-53: She seemed very angry.
SHOPKEEP: I apologize for that.
DAR: She didn't punch him, though.
SHOPKEEP: I apologize for that. You can't please everybody, you know?
PLECK: Sure.
SHOPKEEP: You can't please everyone.
PLECK: I gotta say this is beautiful furniture but that lady seemed to have a real gripe.
SHOPKEEP: Thing about building is you gotta embrace the flaws and I just feel like I leave things open, I wanna leave things just a little mysterious, you know what I'm saying?
PLECK: Sure.
C-53: Shouldn't some things be closed?
SHOPKEEP: You know whoever built you must have been a real tight ass, okay, robot man? Because guess what, they had to make you all perfect so you can have all these smart answers with me right now. Who knows, I could make you cry and feel things.
C-53: I'm afraid I cannot cry.
SHOPKEEP: Should have come to me first. I can have you cry, get depressed...
C-53: It is a [unintelligible] I could not have come to you before I was invented.
SHOPKEEP: You see right there? Ohhh your creator, if I could meet him I would kick his ass.
DAR: This here, this basket chair. You call this a bom-bom?
SHOPKEEP: A pom-pom, yeah.
DAR: It comes with the ottoman?
SHOPKEEP: It comes with the ottoman, yes. You gonna sit in that? I don't think you should sit in that, I don't...
DAR: That seems like size-ism.
SHOPKEEP: It is, it is. I'm gonna be blatantly honest. You're big, you're gonna break all my stuff.
DAR: It sounds like it's gonna break no matter what.
ZWOG: Okay look, your size isn't gonna help things.
C-53: I'm half the size of Dar, shall I try sitting in this thing?
DAR: Yeah you try, C.
SHOPKEEP: Okay, alright. That's really- I got a no sit policy but-
[C-53 sits and falls to the floor]
C-53: It has turned into... is this sand?
[Shopkeep sighs]
PLECK: I gotta say, it feels like almost everything in here... there's one part of the chair, the couch, the pom-pom, you touch it and it just falls apart.
SHOPKEEP: Okay.
PLECK: I feel like all you need to do is cover up that one thing.
C-53: Or reinforce that one area in some way.
SHOPKEEP: You know, but. If you went to architecture school or any contractor- I just think that's closed minded thinking, I gotta be honest with you guys, I gotta be honest. I've been in some crazy circles, okay. I used to be a big time deal, okay, I used to be a big time deal.
PLECK: You made chairs that fell apart for celebrities?
SHOPKEEP: Okay. I make more than chairs! I'm more than a chair and table guy.
C-53: Bed frames?
SHOPKEEP: No! You know... [sighs] Does the name Zwog Tambouie mean anything to you?
C-53: Of course, he's the architecture of the planet crusher weapon.
ZWOG: You're looking at him right here in flesh.
C-53: You're THE Zwog Tambouie?
ZWOG: I'm Zwog Tambouie.
DAR: No kidding.
C-53: You designed the planet crusher?
ZWOG: I designed the planet crusher, yeah. I'm a big deal, okay. Tons of fun, I'm a big deal.
PLECK: Wow, this is huge! Wow, what an honor. Uh, C-53 can I talk to you for a second?
C-53: Yes?
PLECK: Can I stand behind this big chair?
ZWOG: Go ahead! Don't touch it.
PLECK: C-53.
C-53: Yes.
PLECK: This is the guy who built the planet crusher?
C-53: Yes.
PLECK: The monarchy's super weapon.
C-53: Yes, that crushed planets, yes. The planet crusher.
PLECK: He's like a war criminal.
C-53: He's not like a war criminal, he is a war criminal.
PLECK: We caught him, right?
C-53: We don't catch anybody, we are a diplomatic relations team. We don't have the authority to bring him in.
PLECK: Wow, alright. I guess we'll just talk to him then, right?
C-53: Yes, of course.
DAR: Then it's a deal.
ZWOG: Fine, fine. Twist my arm! You get the couch.
PLECK: You bought a couch?
DAR: I did buy a couch. I think... Bargie would like it.
C-53: It's a beautiful couch.
ZWOG: I would say don't ever touch it, sit on it.
C-53: I must ask you.
ZWOG: Yes.
C-53: Zwog.
ZWOG: Yes.
C-53: Why would you leave the planet crusher with such a massive critical vulnerability?
PLECK: The exhaust port!
ZWOG: You see, the way it works in construction, guys. You build something, you've got a seven month period where the client can come back and say "Hey. I got problems with this, you gotta fix that," and stuff like that. I gave the monarchy a good seven months there just to have any complaints about any structural design problems. No one complained a bit.
C-53: But they flew a small fighter inside and blew up the entire thing.
PLECK: The reactor was visible from the outside.
ZWOG: You know the things you're describing? You know what? I'm disappointed, it was my work to see it destroyed, but I said to them: "Is there anything you want me to fix?" No one in the Monarchy ever complained, even near the end, no one ever was-
C-53: In Zwog's defense they crushed a lot of planets.
ZWOG: Yes, they did. It's hard, I feel guilty about that.
PLECK: Do you really?
ZWOG: I do if I gotta be honest. I built it. You know what, I build things! I don't figure out the purpose for 'em, you know?
C-53: Sure, that's not your job.
ZWOG: I design and I build.
PLECK: But the planet crushers entire job... It's a cube that opens up and then like an enormous mouth crushes a planet.
ZWOG: True, true.
C-53: Could be used for many things.
ZWOG: It could! Exactly, see. Robot man gets it, he gets it.
DAR: C class, come on. What other things could it be used for? C-53: Well, I imagine crushing a smaller planet crusher with a larger one.
ZWOG: I would have loved to see that. You may not have emotions but you get me. You know what? I like this side of you, whoever programmed this part... this is, I'm down with it.
C-53: It's the [unintelligble] Cybernetics Corporation
DAR: Well it's just too bad... All those planet crushers were destroyed so easily.
ZWOG: Look, I know you're trying to get a rise outta me. I know, I've been poked and prodded about this before but you wanna know what? I went through some dark periods after the Monarchy got thrown. I got down, I got low. I got low. I was on the brink of doing myself in. But I thought, you know what? Maybe I'm gonna start being the best me and I'm gonna get out there and make things right. Started doing a 12 step, started going to meetings.
PLECK: 12 step what?
ZWOG: Recovery program, do you know of those?
PLECK: No I don't.
ZWOG: Okay. You go and you meet with other beings...
PLECK: Other super weapon designers?
ZWOG: Well you know it's anonymous, I don't wanna get into it to much but I did meet a lot of people from the Monarchy. A lot of major players go to these meetings. You deal with the...
PLECK: They have guilt?
ZWOG: They have guilt. You deal with the atrocities you did, and you're just trying to find a place in the Federated Alliance world now where you fit in, and how you can make up for the mistakes you made.
DAR: I mean you're one of the most unlikable people in the entire universe because not only did you help the Monarchy, you then ultimately helped the Federated Alliance. I mean, you have no friends!
PLECK: And not by being a spy or something. You weren't a turncoat you just did...
C-53: You were just very bad at your job.
PLECK: Very bad at your job.
ZWOG: These words are all true and they're all things I've come to terms with, alright? I've faced these things. I mean, all I can do is say, "My name is Zwog Tambouie and I'm sorry," and I wake up each morning I'm like, 'How am I gonna make it better?' I spend countless hours writing apology notes. I'm sending out stationary left and right trying to make up for all the people that were murdered on the planets, the people on the planet crushers...
C-53: How many apologies have you sent?
ZWOG: Right now rough number, about 20. I really try to make 'em personal.
C-53: Sure. Well then it will take some time.
ZWOG: Yeah, could you give me a number on that, robot man?
C-53: How long it will take you...
ZWOG: How long it will take.
C-53: You will be dead long before you finish that.
ZWOG: Alright, I'm gonna prove you wrong!
C-53: I don't think so.
ZWOG: The race is on, robot man.
PLECK: Zwog I have to say I appreciate your optimism. As a fellow optimist I think it's very important you look forward to those things, you wanna make things better for yourself.
ZWOG: You gotta find a little bit of the universe inside yourself, you gotta forgive yourself, you know?
PLECK: Sure.
ZWOG: You gotta look at yourself right? And think, I'm overweight, nobody likes me, you gotta forgive yourself!
PLECK: Are you talking to Dar?
ZWOG: Yeah, yeah.
DAR: I don't think that!
ZWOG: You know what? You don't think you think that but I know you think that.
DAR: I'm gonna touch all the chairs!
ZWOG: No, no, no! Okay, look see-
PLECK: Dar, Dar, Dar!
DAR: You know what? I don't have to look at myself to know after doing that? I love myself.
ZWOG: You tell yourself that.
PLECK: Oh man, you know what guys? I think things have gotten a little bit heated. We're talking to a mass murderer, so I mean it's bound to happen at some point.
[Zwog sighs]
PLECK: Why don't we all just go get a Blue Julius and just relax. It's a strip mall!
ZWOG: Alright. I really like you guys, I don't wantcha to go running away. How 'bout I buy some Blue Julius, I get a discount. I know Tom, the...
C-53: That's very generous of you.
PLECK: Hey, I'll take you up on that.
DAR: It's the least you could do.
ZWOG: Could you do me a favor though? Could you just tell Tom we're really good friends.
C-53: I'm not comfortable with that.
DAR: Absolutely not.
ZWOG: Oh. Okay. [sighs]
[Music]
SEESU GUNDU: Hello, this is rebel leader Seesu Gundu with an important announcement. A lot of life as a rebel is spent doing what I'm doing right now. Huddling in a culvert hiding out a seemingly endless Alliance air strike. And how do we pass the time? We listen to one of our favorite podcasts with special guest Lauren Lapkus. In this completely improvised comedy show- do you like audio shows where everything is made up, is that your thing? Well in this show, guest comedians invent a radio show on the spot and- Ow! That one hurt! Hilarious comedian Lauren Lapkus has no idea what character she'll be told to play, it is so fun. We barely even notice the perpetual aerial bombardments. Episode guests like [celeb names], and other stars of hit comedies. That's With Special Guest, Lauren Lapkus. L-A-P-K-U-S on Apple or wherever you get your podcast! Long live the rebellion! [BOOM]
[Music]
PLECK: You know what? That was delightful. I really feel like after a Blue Julius, I feel great.
ZWOG: You can't go wrong with the Blue Julius.
C-53: They're very refreshing.
PLECK: Tom is a nice guy!
ZWOG: I told you, I told you. It's good he's gonna hang our picture in the store now, it's nice.
PLECK: Well I drank the whole thing.
ZWOG: You did drink the whole thing.
PLECK: I didn't know that was uncommon. Am I gonna feel like, weird?
ZWOG: Not a lot of people do that, I dunno, we'll see how it goes.
DAR: Yeah, you will probably feel weird later.
ZWOG: You gotta call Tom, I just need to know that now...
DAR: Am I gonna call Tom?
ZWOG: You gotta give him a call cause he's very delicate.
DAR: That's really none of your business.
ZWOG: Man, I hope you do. When Tom hit on you I thought 'that's interesting' cause he's looking for a partner in life.
DAR: Well I can assure you I won't be a life partner.
C-53: Am I wrong in thinking I hear a humming noise?
ZWOG: Oh yes, it's my backspace. Where I work, I sleep, it's where I stay. You guys wanna come check it out? If you gotta go to work I understand, we've hung out...
PLECK: We're sort of at work, I think.
ZWOG: You sure?
PLECK: Yeah!
ZWOG: What do you guys do?
PLECK: Uhh... we... we...
ZWOG: You don't work for the Federated Alliance, do you?
C-53: All hail the Federated Alliance.
[Everyone laughs nervously]
ZWOG: Tell you right now, wouldn't want one of those guys, I'd get in a lot of trouble. I'm probably on a couple of wanted lists with that..
C-53: You're on four wanted lists.
ZWOG: [Laughs] You're pretty knowledgeable. Lemme get my keys, I'll unlock the workshop here... Okay, here we go.
[Door creeks open, exposing a seemingly unending space]
PLECK: The inside of your apartment is... much larger than it looks from the outside.
ZWOG: Yeah it's bigger than the store, yes. I figured out a way to bend matter?
C-53: It's bigger than the entire strip mall.
ZWOG: Oh yeah, totally yeah. It's pretty big. I don't actually know the square footage, it keeps expanding on it's own. Yeah.
PLECK: How did you do that?
ZWOG: Oh you know... physics? Quantum physics? That stuff just comes easy to me. Let's keep.. here, so you gotta kinda swim?
PLECK: Yeah, oh.. wow.
ZWOG: You gotta glide around... Okay, you're probably like, "Where's the oxygen coming from?" I'm pumping oxygen into this place, so don't worry- we're gonna be okay.
C-53: I won't ask.
ZWOG: Leave the architecture to the architect, am I right?
C-53: Very well.
ZWOG: So, yeah. You see that over there, that kinda star thing we're swimming toward?
C-53: Uh-huh
ZWOG: That's a planet crusher!
C-53: Oh my...
PLECK: You're making another planet crusher?
ZWOG: Yeah, I got another planet crusher, yeah
DAR: For what purpose!?
ZWOG: Well, I was working on it the last time cause, one of two, kaboom. So that was like, the Monarchy they just had so much money, just a slush fund of cash.
C-53: Very corrupt.
PLECK: Yeah, very corrupt.
ZWOG: Yeah. They were like, build another one! They're like, we need another one! Because you know listen, it's like funding. Even if corrupt, it's funding. They get so much money, they don't spend that money? Someone else takes that money.
C-53: Yeah.
ZWOG: Puts it towards something else. They were like, "We got this budget, build another one!" And of course this time they were like "Get it right"
C-53: [Sighs] Correct me if I'm wrong, I believe I still see an exposed exhaust port on that planet crusher.
ZWOG: So you're talking about this thing we're entering in right now.
C-53: We're literally swimming through a massive vulnerability in this planet crusher.
PLECK: It's bigger than the last two, honestly. The last one was big enough for a fighter...
C-53: You could land a ship in here.
ZWOG: You got me. This time I was like, you know what? What happens if I make it bigger. Cause the last two were smaller, so this time everyone's like, "That can't be the way in!" right? That's why I made it bigger.
PLECK: So like you're hoping that the first two planet crushers have set up some sort of like...
C-53: They will be looking for an extremely small hole...
ZWOG: Right.
C-53: And will be surprised to see a very large hole.
ZWOG: So they'd probably be like, "That can't be it" they'll fly around.
C-53: Zwog, I think that's obvious...
DAR: I think that's flawed logic.
ZWOG: You think so?
C-53: I mean, I don't wanna tell you how to do your job but it seems... obvious.
PLECK: Can I ask you, who is... do you have a buyer for this?
ZWOG: Well you know what, I got it on message boards. Right now I'm living in it, right now I'm using this as a crash pad. I mean, we can do in. You know I've got, if you guys wanna spend the night?
EVERYONE: Uhhh nahhh... we're alright
PLECK: I just feel like if I were on a super weapon? I would feel bad about myself.
ZWOG: I mean hey, this doesn't have to be a super weapon! This could be a super hotel.
DAR: Is it filled with all your shitty furniture?
ZWOG: You know what? Okay. I know you have so much self hate inside, but I'm not taking the bait.
DAR: I love myself! I just hate you!
ZWOG: I'm not taking the bait.
PLECK: Guys, guys! Let's calm down. I mean, can we both agree that the real evil is this enormous cube machine that is designed to eat planets?
DAR: Created by him
C-53: That's not fair to the machine.
ZWOG: Robot man, stick up for your kind! You gotta do that, you gotta do that.
C-53: You can't say this ship is inherently evil.
ZWOG: Yeah. We don't know each other, I had a family!
PLECK: You had a family?
ZWOG: Yes, I got a wife and kids!
DAR: Where are they?
ZWOG: Wife divorced me of course after the crash! My kids don't speak to me, I killed most of their friends. Their friends got killed by the planet crusher.
C-53: I was afraid they had been crushed.
ZWOG: Part of the job. My wife, she was used to really high standard of living once the divorce came. I got that black death disease, I got back into the addiction... Here she, she couldn't stay anymore. She couldn't stay anymore, you know?
PLECK: I feel like the machine you need to be working on, Zwog? Is the machine of the relationships in your life.
C-53: I thought that was going to be a beautiful metaphor and then it was...
PLECK: It sort of didn't...
DAR: It was pretty bad.
ZWOG: You kinda tripped down the steps on the last part there of that metaphor.
PLECK: Yeah well, I just didn't...
C-53: I thought you were going to compare him to a machine, his relationships to the cogs within a given machine..
PLECK: Alright, I'll try again.
C-53: Okay.
PLECK: Okay so, Zwog?
ZWOG: Yeah, yeah.
PLECK: I feel like you've made all these machines...
ZWOG: I have, yeah.
PLECK: I feel like what you really need to do is make a machine that will crush the planets of... the people around you... but in a way that...
C-53: No, stop. That is more confusing.
PLECK: That's worse.
ZWOG: I'm more confused. You're bringing up weird feelings. You're making me wanna go out and drink again, stop talking. PLECK: Have you thought about making a machine that will create life!?
ZWOG: Oh man.
C-53: Am I right to say that this is a pocket universe we're in right now?
ZWOG: This is a pocket universe, yeah. It's what's crazy is I've got a planet growing, too.
DAR: For what... purpose?
PLECK: What does that mean.
ZWOG: I just naturally happened to create a universe now all of a sudden these scientific collisions happen, and then a star slowly kinda burns out, becomes kind of a land mass from there, atmospheres kinda develop...
C-53: There's a functional planet in there?
ZWOG: Yeah, yeah. My last place I had a whole colony of people.
PLECK: What happened to them?
ZWOG: I sold it.
PLECK: So you... just to clarify. You were a person who created a weapon of mass destruction..
ZWOG: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
DAR: Two! Two of them
ZWOG: Yeah two of them.
C-53: Technically three...
PLECK: If you count this one.
C-53: I do count this one.
PLECK: Are single handedly responsible for the downfall of an entire empire.
ZWOG: Yeah.
PLECK: Sort of on accident.
ZWOG: Yeah.
PLECK: And you also sold a civilization of people as well.
ZWOG: Well I sold it to a construction company that was building condos and they demolished that so... That universe probably collapsed under that construction, so.
C-53: That's a shame.
ZWOG: Yeah, you know, it was a time to sell. I'll tell you right now.
PLECK: The fact that you beat the Black Death Disease... I gotta say, I wish you hadn't.
ZWOG: Hey, man.. That's...
C-53: That's a little low...
ZWOG: That's pretty low!
DAR: You know what? No, no, no. I think that is... I have to say, this is the first time I really, really like you.
PLECK: Thank you.
ZWOG: That's pretty low, I gotta be honest, that's pretty low.
DAR: You're pretty disgusting.
ZWOG: I was gonna, I'm gonna... This is basically my home right now!
C-53: Gotta give him a [??], we at least root for him to succeed against Black Death Disease.
[Music]
PLECK: Nermut, you will not believe who we just met!
C-53: Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy, I think you are going to be very proud.
PLECK: Yes! Zwog. Tambouie!
DAR: Arrest him now, please!
C-53: Creator of the hated planet crusher!
NERMUT: [Sighs] Pleck.
PLECK: Yes?
NERMUT: Can you please tell me. According to... Federated Alliance guidelines, how long do you have to report a criminal of this magnitude?
PLECK: Oof, oh boy.
NERMUT: It's four minutes.
PLECK: Shorter than I thought.
NERMUT: You're all literally guilty of treason for colluding with this character because we did not call in the C.L.I.N.T.s immediately within the four minute window. [Sighs]
C-53: I will mark this particular transmission low priority?
NERMUT: Please do that. Because if this is actually reviewed by anyone above me, we are all going to be literally lit on fire.
DAR: When you say literally you mean...
NERMUT: Literally like, burnt up! They'll make Bargie into ingots!
BARGIE: What!? What!? What happened!?
NERMUT: They'll melt you down!
BARGIE: I was asleep, what happened?
NERMUT: Do you realize that because the K'hekk attacked us I was literally bent over my superiors desk and spanked.
C-53: And by literally you mean...
NERMUT: I mean literally!
DAR: Describe it. Paint me a picture, Nermie, please.
NERMUT: Well he invited me in and said, "Don't bother sitting down"
BARGIE: I'm gonna add some music under this for uh.. effect.
DAR: Thank you Bargie.
[Seductive music plays]
NERMUT: [Sighs] He said take down your trousers, now take down your under trousers... Dar, I don't need to explain this! I guess-
DAR: You are stopping half way!? Just finish the story.
NERMUT: He said, "Have you been a bad boy?" I said, yes I've been a bad boy...
DAR: [Moans]
PLECK: That's how it went!?
NERMUT: That's the official way they interrogate you after..
C-53: That is Federated Alliance protocol.
NERMUT: And the sick thing is, he knew I had been a bad boy, I knew I'd been a bad boy. He didn't have to ask me the question...
C-53: Well he did, according to protocol.
NERMUT: In any case, he hit me with the mallet on my buttocks 14 times...
C-53: A mallet!?
NERMUT: With a mallet.
BARGIE: I'm sorry to interrupt, can you get rid of all this sand?
DAR: Oh...
PLECK: Oh..
C-53: Oh, this was...
PLECK: That was the couch we got.
BARGIE: What is all this- I told you, what were my rules?
NERMUT: Bargie was right, you need to eject any bit of sand that came from an object made my Zwog Tambouie. If there is a C.L.I.N.T. that scans that sand and sees that it had an origin source of a war criminal who created the planet crusher. Again, they're just gonna torch us.
DAR: Literally.
NERMUT: Literally! Are you making fun of me!?
DAR: I just need to understand. Sometimes people use literally but they don't actually mean literally.
C/PLECK: Literally!
NERMUT: They literally will burn us up!
DAR: Thank you.
BARGIE: Also I used to date the planet crusher...
C-53: You dated Zwog Tambouie!?
BARGIE: No.
C-53: Oh, the planet crusher.
NERMUT: The machine?
BARGIE: Yeah, I dated the planet crusher.
C-53: Of course.
DAR: Which one? Number one?
BARGIE: Number one! Number one, baby!
C-53: I think Number One was the better looking one.
BARGIE: Oh yeah.
DAR: I agree.
NERMUT: You fly into the.. weird opening?
BARGIE: I flew out, I flew in.
NERMUT: Did you have an opportunity to destroy it?
BARGIE: Things were destroyed. My heart was destroyed.
NERMUT: Oh Bargie...
BARGIE: The end of the day...
DAR: Now paint me a picture.
BARGIE: I flew in, I flew out. I flew in, I flew out...
DAR: Can we add a little music?
[Sexy music plays again]
BARGIE: I flew in, I flew out... I flew in, I flew out... I flew in, I flew out...
[Fade to sexy music]
C-RED-IT5: C-RED-IT5 credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol.
Ambassador Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford
C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent
Security Officer Dar was played by Allie Kokesh
Bargie the Ship was played by Moujan Zolfaghari
Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind
Zwog Tambouie was played by special guest John Murray. He has appeared in on such shows as 30 Rock, Broad City, and Difficult People. He performs regularly at the UCB Theater in New York with GOAT. Follow him on twitter @TheJohnMurray
Mission to Zyxx is recorded at Braund Studios in Greenwood, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O’Connell
This episode edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell
Music by Brendan Ryan
Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley
Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz
Mission to Zyxx is brought to this galaxy by AudioBoom. Thanks, AudioBoom!
Have you noticed a critical error in our canon? Send an email to crew@missiontozyxx.space