Episode 107: The (Redacted) [ft. Michael Cruz Kayne]

The crew goes on an important and mysterious retrieval mission. BARGIE reveals an old nickname. DAR and C-53 put their knowledge of Frantaks and Garfons to the test. NERMUT updates his personnel file.

+ Episode Transcript

NARRATOR: The period of civil war has ended. The rebels have defeated the evil galactic monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance. Now, Ambassador Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx.

[Intro music]

BARGIE: And that's a photo of me when I was younger...

PLECK: Oh.

BARGIE: This is me on the red carpet.

PLECK: Hey-ey!

BARGIE: This is me with my date, Chandelier Bidet. He was a great guy.

PLECK: What happened to him?

BARGIE: He was shot to death by a Toyglik. Honestly, best way to go.

DAR: Shot to death is the best way to go!?

C-53: By a Toyglik blaster?

PLECK: Toygliks have sort of those rayguns right? That just totally vaporizes you immediately.

BARGIE: And they give you immense pleasure and then you die.

PLECK: Oh. I wanna be shot by a Toyglik.

DAR: Bargie, who was that one ship that you used to have that rivalry with?

BARGIE: Ugh, Tiny Toots.

DAR: Yes! Where is she?

BARGIE: Let's just say, you know the number one team of the Federated Alliance? That's the ship.

PLECK: Ohhh.

DAR: Ohhh.

C-53: The one you see on the posters.

DAR: Oh yeah...

PLECK: Turk Manniket, he's the lead ambassador. Turk Manniket.

BARGIE: Yep. Anyway, Tiny Toots has got like five levels. She can hold like 200 people. Whatever.

C-53: It's ironic that her name is Tiny Toots.

BARGIE: She used to be really tiny.

DAR: And they just added on?

C-53: She's had work done if I understand.

BARGIE: They just added on and added on and added on. I used to get work done. That's why I have that wing.

C-53: Just the one wing?

PLECK: Did you used to not have the wing?

BARGIE: Yeah I had zero wings.

PLECK: You were just the tube part.

BARGIE: Mm-hmm. Stealthy. They used to call me the sensual barge.

PLECK: Really?

[Beeps and boops of an incoming transmission]

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy

[Transmission begins]

PLECK: Hey, Nermut! What's up?

NERMUT: Hey.. team.

PLECK: Hey did you know they used to call Bargie the 'sensual barge'?

NERMUT: Did not see that in her personnel file.

PLECK: Oh.

C-53: Adding it now.

NERMUT: You can just update the personnel files, C-53?

C-53: Of course! Would you like me to update yours? Do you have anything new to report?

NERMUT: Wow. I uh have been... doing an excellent job.

C-53: Afraid that's not the kind of thing I can add to a personnel file, that can only be added by a superior officer.

NERMUT: You're right, that's true, that's true.

DAR: C-53, can you also read excerpts from personnel files?

C-53: Of course.

NERMUT: Please don't.

DAR: I would love to know a little more personal detail about our Junior Missions Operator.

C-53: Very well. Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy has been disciplined a number of times for failing to report for physical examinations.

DAR: What!

PLECK: What, why!?

NERMUT: Those are very invasive, I don't understand why those instruments have to read you from the inside.

DAR: Nermut, you're not that much of a prude! Come on!

NERMUT: It's just a very large thing to sit on and have go inside you.

DAR: How large are we talking?

PLECK: Yeah Nermut I don't think I've ever really- how big are you?

DAR: Woah! Wooooah!

PLECK: I don't mean it like that...

DAR: Like really Nermut, how big are you?

PLECK: No like how tall are you?

NERMUT: I'm 19 inches tall.

PLECK: What!?

NERMUT: I'm 19 inches tall.

PLECK: That is so much smaller than I thought!

NERMUT: What do you mean? That's average for my species

PLECK: I guess you're... the camera that you're on is zoomed way in cause I always thought you're sort of Tellurian size. You should stand next to a ruler so we know

NERMUT: In my third grade class I was the second tallest person out of four!

PLECK: Out of four?

NERMUT: Yeah!

DAR: Nermut, to go back to his original question though, how big are you?

NERMUT: That's not what he meant! I'm not going to answer that.

PLECK: Dar I really don't care-

DAR: It is what he meant, is that in his personnel file?

NERMUT: Do not read that part of the personnel file

C-53: 2 inches.

[Nermut sighs]

PLECK: I mean, for a 19 inch-

C-53: Proportionately-

DAR: Proportionately- wowee wow!

NERMUT: I'm slightly embarrassed by how large it is.

DAR: You're embarrassed!?

NERMUT: On my planet you want a small one.

DAR: Not on my planet.

PLECK: Nermut your genitalia is more than ten percent the size of your planet.

NERMUT: Okay.

PLECK: I really wanna meet you now! I bet you're adorable!

[Nermut sighs]

PLECK: What's our mission buddy?

NERMUT: Okay. It's an exciting one. If we can switch to the ol’ mission talk here.

PLECK: Yeah, great.

C-53: We've been ready for mission talk the entire time.

NERMUT: Okay. This isn't anything like you've done before- you're going to retrieve a relic.

PLECK: What!?

NERMUT: Yes. You're going to retrieve a relic that is very important to the Federation, and let me just pull up the file here, you will be finding... just looks like its- there's a security clearance here that I haven't- Uh let me put in a password. Uh... it's not letting me. So that's redacted. You will be going to... this is all redacted. And then you will bring back the... couple paragraphs are all redacted. Apparently I can upload this to C-53 but it's beyond my security clearance which is strange since I'm your superior officer.

PLECK: C-53 you have higher security clearance than our boss?

C-53: I am allowed to receive information that is fully encrypted so even I don't know the contents.

PLECK: So what's the point of receiving them?

C-53: I am transmitting destination coordinates to Bargarean Jade now.

BARGIE: Ugh, here again? Oh boy.

PLECK: You've been there?

DAR: Here again?

NERMUT: You've been to this place?

BARGIE: I vacationed here a few summers ago.

PLECK: Oh.

BARGIE: But it's of course there's no summers here, this is a place with no summer, it's a horrible place. Honestly I had the worst time there, also I had a movie there that tanked so I'm not really the most favorite person in that place. I'm hated there, so I'm just gonna hover outside. Alright let's go.

DAR: Alright, seeya later Nermit! Bye!

NERMUT: Please uh connect if you have anything you want to show me about the relic or anything.

C-53: We will let you know.

PLECK: Nermut, you connect with us if you wanna-

NERMUT: Please don't.

PLECK: Okay. Bye!

[music]

C.L.I.N.T.: We're hailing the Bargerean Jade.

PLECK: Oh, wow.

C.L.I.N.T.: All hail the federated alliance.

DAR: Sure, sure okay

C.L.I.N.T.: You're speaking to C.L.I.N.T. number 7797

PLECK: Oh, it's just the last four.

7797: Yeah, it's an easier way to do it.

PLECK: Makes sense. What are you doing in this system?

7797: We're guarding something.

DAR: The redacted?

7797: Do you mean the relic?

PLECK: Yeah

7797: Who had that redacted?

PLECK: Our boss.

7797: Alright, well nobody usually has it redacted but um. No, there's a gate keeper that's guarding the relic. Via a system of riddles.

C-53: Can you not just answer the riddles?

7797: Well I wanted to but 7798 is down, have you guys met 7798?

EVERYONE: No...

7797: He is an asshole.

PLECK: Okay, well.

DAR: Sorry to hear about it.

7797: No, seriously. Big asshole. Juck that guy, seriously.

PLECK: Okay, fair enough.

7797: It's also kind of like- just his face is one of those punchable faces, you know?

C-53: Wouldn't he have the same face as...

7797: I don't think so.

DAR: What makes your face different from 7798?

7797: It's like a ridge of a different ridge- anyway it doesn't matter, giving you clearance to land.

DAR: Alright

PLECK: Thank you

DAR: Thank you

PLECK: [Sighs] It's always a hassle with those guys

C-53: They always seem to have it out for each other

PLECK: Is it me, or is this planet very small?

C-53: It's rare that you can see the curvature of a planet

PLECK: Yeah, very tiny. Is it gonna be weird, are we gonna throw off the gravity to land on it? Like, Bargie, can we land on this planet?

BARGIE: I'm just gonna throw you guys out I really don't-

PLECK: I can't breathe in space!

BARGIE: I don't feel comfortable landing, I'm wanted, I'm wanted on this planet. Legally by the law of this planet I shouldn't be here, so. Good bye, just get out! Just jump out!

PLECK: I can't breathe in space! Just let me put on a suit! Is there an atmosphere, C-53? Can we see?

C-53: There is an atmosphere down there, yes.

PLECK: Okay great. Well I'll just take the suit off when I get there.

[music]

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[music]

PLECK: Oof, man. Bargie was not joking it is cold here!

DAR: And weird that they wouldn't build shelter to block out the cold.

PLECK: Lot of sort of open-

C-53: I guess you'd call them canopies?

PLECK: I was gonna say gazebos but I guess canopies is more accurate. Much more bleak than gazebos.

C-53: Can I be honest? Not a lot of natural light. Just a couple pinpricks of stars and that's about all we get.

PLECK: Lot of C.L.I.N.T.S., though. It looks like an entire garrison is here

C-53: Yeah

C.L.I.N.T.: Get down on the ground, get down on the ground. Show me your Federated Alliance ID Card, show me your FAIC.

PLECK: Right here.

C.L.I.N.T.: Alright that's a good FAIC.

PLECK: Thank you.

C.L.I.N.T.: All hail the Federated Alliance

EVERYONE: All hail the Federated Alliance...

PLECK: Ambassador Pleck Decksetter, this is C-53 and Dar.

C-53: Hello

7799: Hello. I'm C.L.I.N.T. 7799.

PLECK: Oh, great! Great to meet you, we've heard so much about you.

7799: Alright let's- wait. Where'd you hear about me from?

PLECK: Oh it's just some C.L.I.N.T. 77...

7799: 94?

C-53: 97.

7799: 97? He was in orbit?

PLECK: Yeah.

7799: He's an asshole. You know what his face is...

PLECK: Punchable?

7799: Yeah! I like you!

PLECK: We're on the same page

7799: You know what? I'm kinda the alpha?

PLECK: Sure.

7799: I'm the smartest one here.

PLECK: Oh really?

7799: Yeah so I heard you guys wanna solve the-

C-53: Wouldn't all the clones be the same level of intelligence or..

7799: Nah I don't think so. i don't think so. I feel like I'm like a riddle guy, you know?

PLECK: Oh really so how is the riddle solving going?

7799: not great, not great. Well I'll tell you this, as a riddle guy? The first riddle is very hard.

PLECK: Sure.

7799: And like I said- oh hey 7798. This is the ambassador team.

7798: Hi I'm C.L.I.N.T. 7798

EVERYONE: Nice to meet you.

CL: You want me to take ‘em around?

CL: Well I was taking them around

CL: Well I can also take them around you've got garrison duty-

CL: No- well I mean yeah I have garrison duty but I can also take em around

C-53: If it's easier we can just go ourself

PLECK: We can probably just go-

7799: Noonono! Okay, 7798 can take you around

PLECK: Sure.

7798: I'll take you around.So. you guys are here to solve the riddles?

PLECK: Yeah, yeah. We're here to seek the relic I guess.

DAR: Have you taken a shot at answering the riddle?

7798: Well I don't wanna brag but I'm kinda the riddle guy.

PLECK: Really? Of all the C.L.I.N.T.S. here?

7798: Yeah. I'm kind of an alpha, I'll tell you this much though...

DAR: Yeah

7798: If I don't solve this riddle I'll destroy this planet.

PLECK: Oh that..

C-53: That seems.. unnecessary

7798: I'll call in an orbital bombardment and I'll destroy the planet!

PLECK: No, you can't do that..

C-53: Well we need to get the relic from the planet before you do that

7798: We'll bomb them all and let the Council of Seven sort them out..

PLECK: That seems like a bad policy.

C-53: For what we're doing.

PLECK: Are we getting close?

C-53: It seems like

7798: No we're still going, just a little more.. Oh, I went the wrong direction.

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, maybe we should just go.

PLECK: We should just- you know what? Listen, 779...

7798: 98

PLECK: 7798 we're gonna make our way to the riddle master and we'll catch you later.

7798: Hey if you don't get that first riddle don't worry too much about it cause we're gonna blow this planet up if we don't answer it

PLECK: Okay

C-53: Unnecessary

[music]

PLECK: Hello!

RIDDLE MASTER: Hello.

PLECK: Uh hi? I'm ambassador Pleck Decksetter, this is C-53 and Dar, we're here with the Federated Alliance

RIDDLE MASTER: Oh really? Your mom's here with the Federated Alliance

DAR: Is that the first riddle?

C-53: No she's not. Did we solve the riddle?

RIDDLE MASTER: You have a very poor conception of what a riddle is, don't you?

PLECK: That was just a straight insult I think probably.

RIDDLE MASTER: Yep, I'll do the riddles when I want. Hello!

DAR: Hello?

RIDDLE MASTER: You've come to seek the relic?

PLECK: Yeah we're here to seek the relic.

RIDDLE MASTER: Well first you must answer my riddles!

PLECK: Umm...

DAR: Right.

PLECK: Sure.

CHAD: I am Chad!

DAR: Chad?

PLECK: Hey, Chad. What's up?

CHAD: And you shall answer my riddles before you pass through to the relic.

PLECK: Sure, let's do it.

C-53: Very well.

PLECK: C-53 is very smart, watch out

CHAD: C-53's mom is smart.. oops!

C-53: That is correct that the D generation of droid was noted as being very powerful for it's time.

CHAD: Okay great. Anyway, hoots and hollers, first riddle. If you wish to pass through to the relic. How old are you?

PLECK: Me?

CHAD: Yeah this isn't the riddle, it's just something I need to know for the riddle.

PLECK: Uh, 23.

CHAD: 23?

PLECK: Yep

CHAD: Okay. First riddle- you are driving a spaceship.

PLECK: Kay, great.

CHAD: You

PLECK: Me.

CHAD: Yeah. Great.

PLECK: I like this riddle already!

DAR: Nononono, he would never-

PLECK: I would never.

CHAD: Well just suspend your disbelief for a moment!

DAR: I couldn't even imagine that happening

PLECK: I am a very poor driver.

CHAD: Okay.

PLECK: When they first put me on Bargie I was like "I don't have to drive this thing do I?" and they're nah, it's sentient.

CHAD: This isn't supposed to be the hard part of the riddle. You are driving a riddle- a riddle? Dammit. Okay. Hang on, let me just have a little juice. [Starts drinking] Sorry, I'm a little.. didn't sleep. So! What was I saying? You are driving a spaceship.

PLECK: Sure, great

CHAD: And four people get on.

PLECK: Okay.

CHAD: Two people get off.

PLECK: Okay.

CHAD: An alien gets on.

PLECK: Right.

CHAD: Two aliens get off. Three aliens get on, two people get off. How old is the driver of the spaceship?

DAR: Uh. Still 23?

PLECK: I mean probably still 23.

CHAD: Okay good, one riddle down.

C-53: Wow, the C.L.I.N.T.S. couldn't get past that riddle?

CHAD: Really nailed that riddle...

PLECK: That was cool! I didn't even have to talk to C-53 about that, I knew that one

C-53: I was prepared for a more challenging riddle

CHAD: Okay. A frantak sits atop a roof. The roof is in the shape of an A, so rolling down one side would be north, and the other side south. Frantak lays an egg on the dead center of the rooftop. In which direction does the egg roll, north or south?

DAR: Frantaks don't lay eggs.

CHAD: Okay, that's two riddles down pretty fast...

C-53: Wow, that was very quick.

CHAD: We're just zipping through the riddles here. That's good, I got plenty more where that came from.

PLECK: Ask C-53 one!

CHAD: Hm?

PLECK: He's the droid.

C-53: That's me.

CHAD: Okay, let's see here. What did the zero say to the eight?

C-53: We're both numbers?

CHAD: Could've said it but didn't. Would've made sense in the context of such a conversation but did not say it.

C-53: Oh. Now I have it, I like your belt.

CHAD: Okay that's three riddles down, we're down three pretty quickly.

PLECK: Is that a riddle? That's sort of like a joke, though...

CHAD: Oh, you're the riddle master?

PLECK: I mean... I guess.

CHAD: What are you?

PLECK: No I just-

CHAD: No-

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, do not insult the quality of the riddles.

CHAD: My question is what is your job?

PLECK: I'm an ambassador.

CHAD: Okay well do I go to your place and tell you what you do?

PLECK: I guess-

CHAD: No, I don't. That was a rhetorical question, not a riddle. Also not a riddle if you want to point that out.

PLECK: Well if it were we'd be four down.

CHAD: Hm?

PLECK: I just said-

CHAD: Okay. Final riddle.

DAR: Okay!

C-53: Okay, well.

CHAD: This is one of those riddles where I give you a thing and you have to ask me a bunch of yes or no questions to finally get to what happened

C-53: Very standard riddle tactic.

CHAD: A Tellurian goes to a restaurant, orders a garfon sandwich.

PLECK: We do that all the time.

CHAD: The chef brings by a garfon sandwich, the Tellurian takes one bite. Runs outside. And jumps into infinite space.

PLECK: Hm.

CHAD: Thereby killing himself.

C-53: Extremely low gravity on this restaurant.

CHAD: Yeah It's one of those right by the fringe of the gravitational pull.

C-53: Sure.

PLECK: It could be like Slog's Diner, for example.

C-53: Sure.

CHAD: Not familiar. Any hoots and hollers, you ask a series of yes or no questions to try and determine what's afoot here.

PLECK: Okay.

CHAD: This is the one that usually- the people that get through the first few usually at this one, they're like "It's not for me".

DAR: He thought the sandwich gave him wings?

CHAD: No. You have literally no chance- you may as well hop back on that thing that shot you out here and get gone.

PLECK: Okay, fair enough.

CHAD: I recognize that thing by the way.

PLECK: You recognize Bargie?

CHAD: Yeah, several movies that were released here.

DAR: You recognized the sensual barge?

CHAD: Okay, I wasn't gonna give that up. Any hoots and hollers, we got the garfon sandwich. You asked a far too specific question, let's see what we can get.

DAR: I did, I did.

PLECK: Did eating the sandwich make him have a realization?

CHAD: Yes! Good!

PLECK: Okay.

CHAD: Good for you, bad for me, cause this is the final riddle.

PLECK: Was the garfon his dead pet?

CHAD: No.

PLECK: Kay. How many guesses do we get?

CHAD: We can go on for as long as you want.

DAR: Really?

PLECK: I have a long time.

DAR: How have the C.L.I.N.T.S. then not guessed a correct answers? They're here-

CHAD: Did you talk to either of those C.L.I.N.T.S.?

C-53: We did

DAR: Yes

CHAD: Couple a ridged faced dum-dums if you ask me.

PLECK: That's true.

DAR: C, do you have a guess on the riddle?

CHAD: No I'm telling you, it's way too early to have a guess. If you guessed this early it would be preposterous. You should continue to ask yes or no questions

DAR: But guessing doesn't punish you in anyway

CHAD: Sure you can guess! Okay, you know what? You juckin’ geniuses can go ahead and guess.

C-53: Was the customer familiar with the chef in some way?

CHAD: No!

PLECK: Was it the sandwich that made him do it?

CHAD: Do you mean the sandwich- was it a sentient sandwich of some kind? No. Biting the sandwich lead to a realization which then lead him to commit suicide.

DAR: This feels like a closed room mystery kind of thing.

CHAD: What's a room?

PLECK: That's a point, we hadn't really thought about that. It's like- imagine this planet but with...

DAR: Walls.

CHAD: Oh walls, sure.

C-53: Imagine four of them touching each other.

PLECK: And then a fifth one right on the top, but you can call it a ceiling

DAR: I mean you can call it a roof like that other riddle..

CHAD: Well roofs, we have roofs a plenty! Look around, it's roofs for days! There's a roof, there's a roof, there's a roof...

DAR: Wait wait wait wait

C-53: There's a lot of sort of open air structures on this planet

DAR: Where do we keep the relic on this planet

CHAD: Excuse me?

DAR: Where's the relic?

CHAD: It's buried in this little roof.

PLECK: Like an enclosed roof?

CHAD: Yeah, you see the roof behind me.

PLECK: I think you're describing a room.

DAR: You are describing a room.

CHAD: Hmmm.. oh, my-

7798: Alright Chad, I know these ambassadors didn't get it but 7798 is here ready to answer the riddle

C-53: Actually we were able to solve their riddle.

7798: What?

PLECK: Yeah, we're pretty..

7798: Wait, what?

DAR: We're on number four right now.

7798: What was the answer?

PLECK: It was the-

7798: No, no, no, no! Don't tell me.

C-53: The answer is you're the same age as you were when you started piloting the ship.

7798: I. No. I refuse.

C-53: Why would your age change regardless of how many people exitted or entered the ship?

7798: Ugh, I feel like it would though, wouldn't it?

C-53: No, it's a classic misdirection.

PLECK: Almost definitely not, yet.

7798: Seems like it almost would.

PLECK: No, I don't think it does.

C-53: No.

7798: Huh.

DAR: See, he was so close to getting it! He's the riddle guy

PLECK: Hm

7798: Ambassador Decksetter, a word please?

PLECK: Sure, can I? I'll just be right back

CHAD: Oh yeah no problem I guess I'll just stand over here twiddling my t-t-tan..talls.

7798: Ambassador Decksetter I'm gonna blow this planet up it's starting to really bug me. I feel like an idiot. Nah, I feel like an idiot. That first one made me feel like an idiot? And I'm gonna call an airstrike and blow this thing into dust. Let the Council of Seven sort em out, baby.

PLECK: No no no no no, that's not necessary.

C-53: How would they sort them out after you blew everything up? Would the Council of Seven come down to the planet and sort the bits of all the things that were destroyed?

7798: You question the Council of Seven?

C-53: No, absolutely not.

CL: Because that's a riddle you don't wanna know the answer to.

C-53: Well we do know the answer to, we don't wanna question the Council of Seven.

7798: Yeah, right. That's why I'm the riddle guy.

PLECK: You're a real riddle guy.

7798: Yeah, I'm a real real riddle guy.

PLECK: Listen, I think as ambassadors we're just here to kinda ease it through these riddles and I think we're gonna do okay, so just give us a few minutes we'll see if it works out.

7798: But if it doesn't you can bet that I will be answering a riddle but my questions will be...

PLECK: Bombs?

7798: Nucleoid bombs.

PLECK: Oh sure, yeah.

CHAD: I'm sorry, what's going on over there?

PLECK: Uh, we're just looking at these roofs.

CHAD: Okay.

DAR: So I have a question then for you.

CHAD: Yeah shoot go ahead.

DAR: You have three tentals?

CHAD: Yeah.

DAR: And you can..

CHAD: Twiddle?

DAR: Twiddle them?

CHAD: Yeah sure watch

C-53: That's a three way twiddle.

DAR: But all three of them are sex organs.

CHAD: Oh yeah.

DAR: All operating?

CHAD: Oh yeah.

DAR: Two of them aren't just for show?

CHAD: Listen buddy I just wanna be friends, at most. That's as far as you go. This happens a lot? This is one of the reasons people don't get through all of the riddles at some point, it's like now they're obsessed with me.

DAR: They fall in love with you?

CHAD: Well it's more like a...

DAR: A lust.

CHAD: You got it.

DAR: I'll be honest?

CHAD: Yeah.

DAR: I am curious about it and I'd like to know what it's like.

CHAD: Mm-hmm.

DAR: But there's nothing here.

CHAD: Yeah but I know... it's fine.

DAR: You think that I'm just protecting myself.

CHAD: I think your mom's protecting yourself, whoops.

DAR: Okay you know what? That one was good. That was the first good one.

CHAD: Thank you so much. The other ones were also good.

C-53: I am formulating a question about your riddle. Is your Tellurian secretly a garfon?

CHAD: Wow, good question. No.

C-53: I was really sure about that one

CHAD: What's that paradox when you keep getting closer to the thing but you never get to the thing?

PLECK: The A-51 paradox.

CHAD: Yep, that's it. A-51. This is a real A-51.

DAR: Hm.

PLECK: I have a question?

CHAD: Mm-hmm.

PLECK: How was the sandwich prepared?

CHAD: How was it prepared? Irrelevant.

PLECK: Oh. I was thinking of a garfon breast breaded and fried.

CHAD: No it's more like-

DAR: You know what Pleck? I was imagining the same exact sandwich.

CHAD: Oo you two got some kinda heat there?

PLECK/DAR: No no no no no...

C-53: I can answer now.

CHAD: Okay listen here's the deal.

DAR: Okay.

CHAD: Once upon a time, two tellurians were stranded on a planet with nothing to eat but a garfon. The garfon's only enough to feed one of them. And besides the garfon is their dead friend, another Tellurians

DAR: So three Tellurian bodies?

CHAD: Well two living Tellurians.

C-53: Two living Tellurians.

DAR: Three.. bodies.

CHAD: A dead Tellurian and a garfon. Three bodies, okay I guess I screwed it up and there's three bodies. Are you happy now? I'm a big idiot.

DAR: Wow, you're saying there's nothing here? But this seems like a lot of unnecessary attention.

CHAD: Hahaha, okay, your mom- it doesn't matter. So.

PLECK: So two living Tellurians, one dead Tellurian, and one garfon.

CHAD: And they're stranded, okay?

PLECK: Wait a second, is this relevant to the riddle or is it a different riddle?

CHAD: You dummy I'm explaining the riddle. I can't leave this planet until someone gets the riddle and I don't wanna be on this planet anymore.

PLECK: Yeah no I get it.

CHAD: I don't want to be here anymore.

DAR: Where do you wanna be?

CHAD: Any place. There are no summers here, not one summer. None!

DAR: This place is kind of a bummer.

C-53: You've been here for 400 years.

CHAD: I've been guarding this relic for 400 years and have never once left this planet.

C-53: Could explain why you're so pale.

CHAD: Yes.

PLECK: Oh is that not normal for whatever you are?

CHAD: Excuse me?

DAR: Ooo. Whatever you are?

CHAD: Excuse me?

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter...

PLECK: I'm sorry, your species.

CHAD: Normally we are opaque but I'm virtually translucent.

PLECK: Yeah.

CHAD: It's not natural.

PLECK: Oh, sorry.

CHAD: Not as sorry as I am, not as sorry as your mom was.

PLECK: Okay.

DAR: Hahahaha! okay!

PLECK: That's true.

CHAD: Ooops..

C-53: Hahaha!

CHAD: Listen, I'm going to explain the riddle to you and all you have to do is say it back to me and you can have the relic, you understand?

PLECK: Great.

CHAD: That'll be the deal.

C-53: I will stay out of your way.

CHAD: So you got two Tellurians that are alive, one dead Tellurian, and a garfon.

PLECK: They can't split the garfon?

CHAD: Listen man I wasn't there at the time.

7799: It seems like there would be enough for both.

CHAD: Who the juck asked you to come in here?

7799: I just wanna know what happens.

CHAD: There's two Tellurians, one of them- okay, so how far did I get?

DAR: They were fighting over who gets to eat-

CHAD: Okay there's a garfon, they can't split the thing I don't know why, I wasn't there at the time okay?

7799: So wait are two of them dead, and one is alive?

CHAD: Mother of-

C-53: No, one is dead, two are alive.

7799: Oh okay.

DAR: 7797 you are not a part of this right now.

7799: 7797 is transmitting from space.

DAR: Oh, I'm so sorry. 7798?

7799: I'm 7799.

CHAD: Listen to me, I wanna get gone. Two alive, one's a dead one and a garfon.

7799: How big of a garfon?

CHAD: I dunno, regular size I guess! It's a regular sized garfon. Don't ask a follow up- don't follow up!

7799: So there's two dead Tellurians-

PLECK: Two dead Tellurians.

7799: And one alive

DAR: No, one dead Tellurian!

CHAD: Mother... listen.

C-53: I believe I have solved the riddle.

CHAD: Oh my word, what do you think the riddle is, droid?

C-53: So there are two living Tellurians and one dead Tellurian and a garfon. The two living Tellurians agree that one must eat the garfon and one must eat the dead Tellurian to survive until they are rescued. So, they agree that one Tellurian will prepare food, and the other one will not be the wiser whether he has eaten tellurian or garfon. He eats the meal prepared by the other Tellurian and then after they are rescued decides, perhaps I should find out what a garfon tastes like. Goes to a restaurant, orders a garfon sandwich, eats it, discovers he was the one who ate the Tellurian and decides, I can't live with the idea that I've eaten another of my species and casts himself into space.

CHAD: You have unlocked the relic.

[Dar gasps]

PLECK: Hey good job C-53!

C-53: There's still a lot of holes in this riddle I wish to discuss.

CHAD: Doesn't matter, couldn't matter less.

PLECK: They should have split the garfon, straight up.

CHAD: Could not matter less, couldn't matter less.

C-53: Why would they not have shared the responsibility of eating the Tellurian?

CHAD: Leave!

C-53: Also how would he not know what a garfon tastes like?

CHAD: Shut up! God! Shut it!

[Chad begins to strangle C-53]

C-53: I cannot be choked. This.. wrapping your hands around my neck serves no purpose.

CHAD: Sorry, I'm a little amped up. I'm going to tell you what it is before you go in there, just so you're not surprised

C-53: Very well.

CHAD: It's a big hot bean.

C-53: You're telling me about it but I'm still surprised.

CHAD: You've seen beans before, right?

C-53: Surely, yes.

CHAD: Okay well this one's super hot.

C-53: How big?

CHAD: Okay so imagine a regular bean?

C-53: Got it.

CHAD: Bout four times as big as that.

C-53: That's large.

CHAD: And it's crazy hot.

PLECK: Do you mean like spicy?

CHAD: No, no, not spicy. Like hot.

DAR: Like to the touch?

CHAD: Ohh yeah don't touch it, he can touch it cause he's a droid. Big hot bean.

DAR: That you've been guarding for four hundred years?

CHAD: That's right for four hundred years I've been-

C-53: Are you sure the bean is still as hot as it was when it was put in there four hundred-

CHAD: I mean, I can't make any promises they don't let me peek under the roof.

C-53: Fair enough.

CHAD: When I put it there it was a spicy hot bean. I shouldn't have said spicy. I shouldn't have said it, it's just the first word that came to my mind when I thought of hot, but it's not spicy. The droid can enter.

C-53: Very well.

DAR: Okay so, stroll right into that roof.

[C-53 retrieves the bean]

C-53: Um. The bean is... still fairly warm.

PLECK: How warm?

C-53: About 140 degrees.

PLECK: Oh, so I could hold it then.

C-53: Yeah, it wouldn't burn you.

PLECK: Can I hold it?

C-53: Yeah.

[Pleck picks up the bean]

PLECK: Huh. Yeah, warm. Dar?

[Pleck hands Dar the bean]

DAR: So.. okay great thank you. Haha.

CHAD: Listen you got the bean, I'm getting out of here. I'm going to someplace where it's summer all the time baby.

7798: Okay this is over, riddle time is over

PLECK: We did it! Great, yeah well we-

C-53: 7798 we were able to acquire the relic. It is a... rather warm bean...

7798: But you didn't answer all the riddles, did you?

C-53: We actually did answer all the-

7798: You cheated. You cheated.

PLECK: That's not..

C-53: No..

7798: No, juck this! Juck this and juck you, Chad!

CHAD: Juck your mom.

7798: No! Your mom, Chad! Your mom! I'm calling in an orbital bombardment on this planet immediately.

C-53: No, no, don't do that.

PLECK: We are all still here.

7798: Game over, man!

PLECK: Uh..

DAR: The game is over though, we..

7798: No I'm saying the games over.

C-53: I'm holding the relic.

7798: The game is done, Chad. you will stay on this planet.

CHAD: What do you mean? Once someone has the bean I can leave. Those are the rules of my confinement.

7798: The rules have changed, Chad. Try to make me look like an idiot, I'm the smart one! All the rest of these guys have these faces that are so..

PLECK: You should probably keep your voice down on that cause people..

7798: I don't care, we're all gonna be dead in a few minutes anyway.

PLECK: What!?

DAR: Wait, you're gonna be on the planet when it's destroyed?

7798: Yeah of course.

C-53: No no no...

7798: What?

DAR: What do you mean of course?

C-53: An orbital bombardment, you should be in orbit when you bombard the planet.

7798: No, it's our duty to go down with the planet.

PLECK: Is that true?

CHAD: Okay, I'm gonna try and jerk these tantals one last time before they blow me to smithereens.

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter I suggest we do an immediate evacuation of this planet.

PLECK: Yeah that's.. listen, man

7798: I'm also gonna stick around cause I wanna.. what's the second riddle? What is that again? I feel like I can get it.

C-53: Imagine an A-frame house. You know a house?

7798: I don't..

PLECK: A frantak lays an egg.

7798: The house is a riddle?

DAR: Yes.

CHAD: You guys don't wanna be around when this comes to it's finish, gonna shoot out a buncha spicy sauce.

DAR: Just...

7798: The house is a riddle, huh.

PLECK: You know what? We're gonna go

DAR: You're gonna get it though.. Barge?

PLECK: Barige?

BARGIE: Yeah?

PLECK: Hey listen can we get a real hasty exit here

BARGIE: Uh just a reminder, unfortunately there's that restraining order so I can't technically touch the ground

7798: So it's an a-frame roof

DAR: I mean Barge they're pretty distracted

7798:Maybe if I draw it..

BARGIE: I'll just land, I'll just land.

PLECK: Yeah.

C-53: I think that's best

7798: So the egg hits here..

DAR: Yep.

CHAD: [Chad… ejaculates?] Huuuuahaghgahgah Oh boy.

7798: Which way does it break?

CHAD: Oh dear.

7798: Has to go down one side or the other..

PLECK: Yep.

7798: And I know that it’s a garfon or a florak..

PLECK: Hey Chad?

DAR: You wanna just hop on?

PLECK: Yeah we can give you a ride

DAR: Just pop right on

CHAD: No no no I don't want anyone to touch me. My tentals are retracted, this is not a time when I wanna be touched.

C-53: Okay, I believe we're all aboard Bargie if you wish to leave this planet.

BARGIE: Alright, toot toot toot!

PLECK: Chad, thank you

CHAD: Fare thee well.

7798: Okay maybe I get it now..

DAR: They don't lay eggs! They don't lay eggs!

PLECK: Bye!

[music]

ROLPHUS TIDDLE: Rebel leader Rolphus Tiddle with a very important message. Support for the rebellion comes from Warby parker. I remember missing an entire raid against the Federated Alliance because I had to travel two systems away to go to a glasses store! Not anymore. With Warby Parker's home try on program you can order five pairs of glasses online. Try them on for five days and there's no obligation to buy. Head to warby parker.com/zyxx. Z-Y-X-X to order your free try ons today. Honestly, as I record this, I am wearing crane frames in whiskey tortoise. And I'm getting tons of compliments from all the other rebels. Glasses start at just ninety five dollars including prescription lenses plus for every pair you buy a pair is distributed for someone in need. And here's a tip, after you order your home trial kit at warbyparker.com/zyxx download the Warby Parker app from the itunes app store. It lets you take photos wearing all the frames, make a video, and share with your friends to help you pick out the best pair. Nice! Friends are great! Rolphus Tiddle…

[music]

PLECK: Alright Bargie you probably should make a pretty quick get away here. Let's call up Nermut, let him know we got the relic, right?

C-53: Establishing communications with Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy

[Transmission begins]

PLECK: Hey Nermut!

NERMUT: Hello.

PLECK: Well Nermut I got good news and bad news.

NERMUT: Well you should always start with the good news so-

[Explosions]

NERMUT: What...

C-53: That is the bad news Ambassador Decksetter mentioned.

NERMUT: Wait a second you were sent there to get the relic, you blew up the planet!?

C-53: No no no, the C.L.I.N.T.s blew up the planet.

NERMUT: What!?

C-53: But Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, I am happy to report we have obtained the relic!

NERMUT: Thank goodness. Alright, I'm so excited. I've been trying to crack the code on these redacted documents for the whole day and I can't do it and what is it-

C-53: Well, you're looking at it.

NERMUT: Can you please just show me the relic? I know I technically wasn't supposed to know what it is.

PLECK: Nermut I hate to break it to you-

C-53: Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Budnaloy this is the relic.

DAR: Yeah this is the relic.

C-53: It is this large hot bean.

PLECK: Warm.

DAR: It's warm.

C-53: Warm bean.

NERMUT: Wha-

DAR: We had to answer riddles to get this relic.

NERMUT: A warm bean?

BARGIE: Are we all talking about the holograms mans two inch thingy?

PLECK: No we're kinda past this but I'm glad you brought it up again

DAR: Oh Barge, I would like to revisit, you are right.

BARGIE: I need to know...

NERMUT: We're not talking about that.

C-53: Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, I've been thinking about your genitalia-

NERMUT: What!?

C-53: When you experience a state of arousal, do you experience any dizziness or nausea?

NERMUT: Yeah of course both.

C-53: I expected the resulting loss of blood would cause you some sort of discomfort.

NERMUT: Come on, you just saying because so much blood has to drain from my body because it's 19 inches tall.

C-53: You're very small.

DAR: Yeah.

NERMUT: I'm not!

BARGIE: Would you call it a warm bean?

[Nermut sighs]

DAR: What would you call it?

NERMUT: I wouldn't call it.

C-53: Has anyone called it a warm bean?

NERMUT: No!

BARGIE: Did he call it a warm bean?

NERMUT: No! No one has ever said the words warm bean until this relic was-

BARGIE: I'm gonna call it a warm bean.

NERMUT: Why do you have to call it anything?

DAR: Me too, Nermut.

BARGIE: Can you put that into his files?

NERMUT: Absolutely-

C-53: Updating file.

NERMUT: No, how is that something you can update and you can't say I'm doing a good job?

PLECK: That's subjective.

C-53: Whether you're doing your job is subjective.

BARGIE: Listen hologram man it's your own relic, be proud, be happy, you have a warm bean! Huh?

PLECK: Well said.

DAR: Yes.

NERMUT: A, we're not going to refer to my genitalia. And B if we do it's not a warm bean!

DAR: What is it then?

NERMUT: It's num-num

C-53: You can call it your- I'm sorry, say that again?

DAR: It's Num-Num!?

NERMUT: No, we don't have to- nothing!

C-53: Num-num?

NERMUT: It's not...

C-53: Updating file.

DAR: Thank you C.

C-53: You're welcome.

PLECK: What is num-num?

NERMUT: It's a nickname!

PLECK: What's the nickname for your genitals?

DAR: Self given?

NERMUT: What? Of course! Come on guys, you don't have one?

PLECK: You know what mine is?

NERMUT: What?

PLECK: The Rangus Dangus.

[outro music]

C-RED-IT5: C-RED-IT5 credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol.

Ambassador Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford

C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent

Security Officer Dar was played by Allie Kokesh

Bargie the Ship was played by Moujan Zolfaghari

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind

C.L.I.N.T.s were played by Winston Noel

Riddle Master Chad was played by special guest Michael Cruz Kayne who has been seen on Crashing, The Chris Gethard Show, and at SXSW. He's currently writing for an animated children show on Netflix. Look for him around New York [unintelligble], an on twitter and instagram @mjckayme

Mission to Zyxx is recorded at Braund Studios in Greenwood, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O’Connell

This episode edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell

Music by Brendan Ryan

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley

Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz

Mission to Zyxx is brought to this galaxy by AudioBoom. Thanks, AudioBoom!

Have you noticed a critical error in our canon? Send an email to crew@missiontozyxx.space

Seth Lind