Episode 111: It's Hard Out Here For a Blimp [ft. Jordan Carlos]

The crew embarks on a risky rescue mission on the outskirts of Zyxx. NERMUT quakes. PLECK gets a new handle. DAR considers a career change. What does a son mean to a mother?

• Episode Transcript

  NARRATOR: The period of civil war has ended. The rebels have defeated the evil galactic monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance. Now, Ambassador Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx.

  [intro music]

  DAR: [angrily] Pleck?

  PLECK: Y-yeah?

  DAR: You’ve been in my room again.

  PLECK: [stammers] I… I…

  DAR: [mockingly] I… I… can you tell me what you were snooping for?

  PLECK: I wasn’t snoopi—I would never snoop in your room, Dar, you know that.

  DAR: Then what were you doing in my room?

  PLECK: [sighs] I… I wanted to look at the gun.

  DAR: You wanted to look at the gun?

  PLECK: Yeah, I just… I just wanted to see it, cause I’ve never…

  [squelching sounds]

  DAR: Oh, fine, look at the gun all you want.

  PLECK: Where was that?

  DAR: Where was it?

  PLECK: Yeah, where was it just now?

  DAR: I keep it in a very special place, inside of me.

  PLECK: I guess that’s… Listen, I’m sorry I went into your room. It’s… first of all, it’s so much larger than mine, which seems fair, because you’re so much larger than me, but also, like, I have to sort of sleep at an angle? I basically have a closet.

  C-53: [entering] You’re welcome to use my charging cabinet, if you’d prefer.

  PLECK: Is it bigger than my room?

  C-53: It’s much smaller.

  PLECK: Oh… now see, that’s not really, I kind of

  BARGIE: [interrupting] I don’t want to alarm anybody but my son’s gonna be visiting me today.

  PLECK: What?

  BARGIE: My son.

  PLECK: [bewildered] You have a son?

  BARGIE: Yeah, he’s coming over, so if you don’t mind, clean up your language, okay? Clean up the place.

  DAR: Wait, wait, Bargie, I thought Blimpie and you weren’t talking anymore?

  BARGIE: Blimpie, uh, is… how do you say this… a disappointment, yes, he decided not to become a ship, he decided instead to become an amusement park, but once a year he comes over and visits me and today’s that day, so…

  PLECK: Wow, tha—that’s great, that you have a relationship with Blimpie.

  DAR: Yeah, we’re happy for you.

  PLECK: [hesitantly] Bargie, can I ask how… how does that work? Like, what does it mean when you say you have a son?

  C-53: That’s an extremely personal question.

  PLECK: I’m sorry, I just… don’t understand how the mechanics…

  BARGIE: What does a son mean to a mother? Is that what you’re asking?

  C-53: Do they not have sons and mothers on Rangus 6?

  PLECK: No, they… they absolutely do. I just… were you… … … did you build Blimpie?

  BARGIE: [outraged] DID I BUILD MY SON?

  DAR: Oy…

  BARGIE: My son is his own person, honestly, sometimes I want to throw you off the ship and have you explode.

  PLECK: [worriedly] Nonononononoo, I don’t…

  BARGIE: Like I’m this close to throwing you off my ship.

  PLECK: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just… I feel like I know less now than when I started asking.

  C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, all of this information is in freely available personnel files.

  PLECK: I guess…

  DAR: What do you do with all your free time in your small, slanted room? PLECK: Well there’s… so, the datapad that the Alliance gave me? It has this, um…

  C-53: Have you been playing Flappy Garfon?

  PLECK: I… yes.

  DAR: What level are you on?

  PLECK: I’ve gotten to, like… . sixteen?

  C-53: [aghast] Sixteen?

  PLECK: Yeah, that’s pretty good!

  C-53: That’s very low.

  DAR: You’re spending all your free time and you’re only at level sixteen?!

  PLECK: [sheepishly] I can’t move my… I can’t get a good angle on the datapad when I’m in my room, so I have to…

  DAR: [laughs]

  [Beeps and boops of an incoming transmission]

  C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy.

  PLECK: Oh, okay, hey Nermut.

  NERMUT: [conspiratorially] Hey guys. Hey.

  DAR: Why are you whispering?

  PLECK: Why are you so quiet?

  NERMUT: What? Well, okay, hang just one sec, I’m gonna shut my door.

  PLECK AND DAR: Okay…

  NERMUT: Just one sec, I’m gonna pull down these blinds.

  PLECK: You have a window in your office?

  NERMUT: No, it’s just… I’m gonna cover this poster.

  PLECK: [laughs] Why do you have blinds in front of a poster?

  C-53: Do you suspect the poster to be spying on you?

  NERMUT: Listen, I… with what I’m about to tell you, you can’t be too safe, I’m just gonna turn down my monitor brightness. [keys clacking]

  DAR: That doesn’t…

  NERMUT: This is a mission unlike any mission we’ve been tasked with. It’s top secret.

  PLECK: Oooooh…

  NERMUT: Serious mum’s the word type situation, alright? We have ourselves a deal? Hold up your pinkies? Everybody pinkie swear? Bargie, I dunno what that would be for you.

  BARGIE: I honk my horn three times and go backwards for thirty seconds.

  NERMUT: That’s very conspicuous.

  C-53: I also possess only two digits.

  NERMUT: [sighs]

  C-53: Shall I raise the second digit?

  DAR: It sounds like you shouldn’t make us put up our pinkies.

  NERMUT: I was specifically instructed… just, whatever the closest thing to a pinkie is?

  BARGIE: Update, my horn is broken.

  PLECK: [worried] What?

  NERMUT: [sighs] Does that mean you’re not swearing?

  BARGIE: I don’t know.

  NERMUT: Oh gosh, well, time is of the essence, so here’s the deal:

  PLECK: Dar has a pinkie!

  [squelching sounds]

  NERMUT: Oh, Dar! Dar! Dar! That’s not… Don’t hold that up. Can you put that… Dar, put it away?

  DAR: Do you want me to put it away?

  NERMUT: YES.

  DAR: Nermut.…

  NERMUT: I mean no? What will make you do it? Just, put it back in the chute or flap or… put it back.

  DAR: Okay fine.

  [squelching sounds]

  C-53: As we have discussed, Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, chutes are for moving things out of Dar’s body.

  NERMUT: OKAY.

  C-53: It would be inappropriate to return it to a chute.

  NERMUT: Okay, sorry. I’m just a little worked up because I’ve never been trusted with this level of classified information before and it’s gonna blow your minds, or processors, or whatever. So here’s the deal

  DAR: Pinkies out.

  NERMUT: Pinkies out, swear.

  C-53: I have extended my rightmost digit.

  NERMUT: Alright, here’s my pinkie…

  BARGIE: I’m going backwards!

  NERMUT: Okay, that’s as good as we’re gonna get, and swea—

  [Bargie’s horn plays LA CUCARACHA]

  BARGIE: Oh my horn works.

  NERMUT: [sighs] Okay, we don’t

  DAR: Ooh, I like that! It’s very kitschy.

  NERMUT: Alright, obviously you know the Council of Seven.

  PLECK: Yeah, we all know the Council of Seven.

  C-53: Well, not personally, but we are familiar with the Council of Seven

  NERMUT: Of course.

  DAR: We’re familiar with the seven best friends that run the Federated Alliance.

  NERMUT: Right, okay. So Councillor Runff

  DAR: Which one’s that, four or five?

  NERMUT: Four.

  DAR: Oh, okay.

  NERMUT: As you may know, her son Tillion Runff sometimes ends up in the tabloids, and

  BARGIE: Did her son become an amusement park too?

  NERMUT: I have no idea what that would mean.

  PLECK: Bargie has a son! He’s coming to visit today, actually!

  BARGIE: Yeah, he’s coming over.

  NERMUT: Aw, Bargie, that’s… that’s sweet.

  BARGIE: Thank you. Some days I forget he exists, because honestly he’s done nothing good.

  NERMUT: Okay, well, um… have fun? Tillion Runff…

  DAR: Okay.

  NERMUT: Is lost in…

  DAR AND PLECK: Space?!

  NERMUT: No! No, Tillion Runff is lost in the Zenk District of Zyxx.

  PLECK: The Zenk district?

  NERMUT: Yes. I assume you know what that means, you’ve been in Zyxx for a while, it’s basically where all the, you know, the really really dicey stuff goes down. It’s a lotta dealing and a lotta doing.

  C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, can I assume you have not read my presentation on the Zenk District?

  PLECK: Listen, that garfon is not gonna flap itself.

  C-53: Alright, Ambassador Decksetter, the Zenk District is equivalent to what you might know as a red-light district.

  PLECK: Oh. OH. Okay.

  NERMUT: Yes, exactly. So young Tillion Runff went there with a lot of kroons in his pocket, he was due back at his college, and he has not returned. He’s been there for two months longer than he was supposed to be and you guys

  PLECK: Two MONTHS?!

  NERMUT: Yes, he’s missed many of his classes, and you know you guys C-53: [explanatorily] Tillion Runff is a notorious bon vivant.

  NERMUT: [frustrated] Yes. You could say that.

  PLECK: What language is that?

  C-53: Bon vivant?

  PLECK: Bon vivant, what language is that?

  C-53: Isn’t that Tellurian?

  PLECK: I don’t… I don’t think so.

  C-53: Maybe that’s not translating correctly then.

  PLECK: Huh.

  NERMUT: So anyways, he’s been missing in the Zenk District for two months, Bargie is the closest ship, and so we’ve been entrusted with this information. You need to get him out of there.

  C-53: Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, might I say that this is an operation that is perhaps slightly above our paygrade?

  PLECK: If we save Councillor Runff’s son…

  NERMUT: Mmhmm.

  PLECK: From the… the what district?

  C-53: [annoyed] The Zenk District.

  PLECK: From the Zenk District

  C-53: There’s a whole report about it in your room.

  [cheeps and powerup sound effects]

  DAR: Also, Pleck, I’d like to point out I’ve been playing Flappy Garfon this whole time, and I’m already at level five.

  NERMUT: You guys, FOCUS.

  PLECK: I’m sorry,

  NERMUT: Okay.

  PLECK: Listen, if we save Councillor Runff’s son, then we should get something, right?

  C-53: I believe I have been misunderstood, my implication was that we are actually not cleared for a mission of this gravity.

  NERMUT: Weeell, technically that’s true

  C-53: Dealing directly with family members of the Council of Seven is at least a Senior Missions Operations Manager responsibility.

  NERMUT: Of course we’re not cleared for this, if they assigned it to a Senior Operations Manager they’d have to admit that it’s happening. You know what I mean? I’m gonna show you something…

  [paper rustling]

  NERMUT: Do you see this? This was stamped with the stamp of the fourth council member. Look at the wax!

  C-53: That is actually a code that I am currently reading and I am… ceasing stream. [powering down noises]

  PLECK: Whoa!

  NERMUT: What??

  PLECK: Coooool.

  NERMUT: They don’t even want a record of this.

  C-53: I am now compiling a false record for our activities for the next twenty four hours. PLECK: Oh! Uh, can you put in there that I’m doing something real cool? C-53: That would seem out of character and perhaps raise suspicion at the Federated Alliance Archives.

  PLECK: Okay. Fair enough.

  [cheeps and powerup sound effects]

  DAR: Already up to level nine.

  NERMUT: C-53, do you have the coordinates? I can’t even tell what’s been transmitted to you.

  C-53: I have received information

  BARGIE: I KNOW WHERE IT IS. Don’t worry about it, I’ll get there.

  NERMUT: Okay, okay, okay, you know what? This team is flying into the deep, dark heart of the Federated Alliance, I could not be more proud of you, I am shhhhhhhhhaking.

  PLECK: Yeah, it’s very obvious. I would say quivering.

  NERMUT: Yeah, yeah.

  C-53: Trembling, might be more accurate.

  PLECK: Quaking.

  NERMUT: Yeah, yeah, I’m… pretty scared.

  PLECK: Nermut, thanks for trusting us with this. We won’t let you down.

  NERMUT: You know what? I could not be more excited for you and I’m gonna be sitting here with the shades drawn, ready for info.

  PLECK: No no, you could probably just go about your day…

  NERMUT: Nope. Gonna sit here and I’m gonna pee in this jar.

  [transition music]

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  PLECK: Whoa, this place is cool! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a hangar bay with velvet on the walls.

  C-53: Very strange.

  [blaster charging]

  CLINT: Get down on the ground! Get DOWN on the GROUND.

  PLECK: Okay, okay! Jeez!

  CLINT: Get down on the ground, all hail the Federated Alliance.

  PLECK, DAR, C-53: All hail the Federated Alliance

  CLINT: I’m just jucking with you, I’m just, I’m… juck, I’m dusted up, I’m sorry. PLECK: Whoa!

  CLINT: Serious dust.

  [sound of footsteps entering]

  IQQ: What the JUCK these motherjuckers want anyway?

  CLINT: Ahhhh, whoop, this is the big boss. That guy, this is IQQ!

  [IQQ laughs]

  IQQ: What’s up y’all, how you doing, spread love.

  PLECK: Oh, hey, uh… IQQ? Is that your first name, or…

  IQQ: Yeah, it’s my first, it’s my last, it’s my everything.

  PLECK: Oh, cool cool cool, um, hey, um…

  IQQ: Come on in!

  PLECK: Thank you, thank you, um, this is a very… I have to say, this is one of the most intimate hangar bays I’ve ever been in.

  IQQ: Thank you very much, it’s an intimate hangar bay.

  PLECK: Yeah, uh…

  CLINT: Hey, IQQ? Can you set me up with my, you know, my regular tonight?

  IQQ: Oh, absolutely! Andromeda? I could do that—well, hold up, hold up! Let me check her iCal. [typing, beat] You’re good.

  CLINT: Alright! Thanks! Hey, you guys, this guy’s the best.

  IQQ: [laughs] What he said.

  C-53: [whispered] Ambassador Decksetter, this is highly unusual behavior from a CLINT.

  PLECK: Yeah, that was the most laid back CLINT I’ve ever seen.

  IQQ: When you go looking for the CLINT… you find it. [laughs]

  PLECK: Yeah, OH, oh, I get it. I get it. Yeah yeah yeah yeah I get it.

  IQQ: That’s a sexual joke.

  PLECK: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, I didn’t

  IQQ: I made a sexual joke.

  DAR: Do you get it, Pleck? Are you sure?

  PLECK: I think I do?

  DAR: We could ask him to explain it.

  PLECK: I think I do?

  IQQ: Nah, you explain it, Pleck. That’s your name, Pleck?

  PLECK: Yep, yep, yep, Ambassador Pleck Decksetter

  IQQ: I don’t know about that, you need a new name.

  PLECK: Oh, s-sure! Yeah! Um…

  IQQ: Sugarcane!

  PLECK: Sugarcane?

  IQQ: Sugarcane. Come on in here, Sugarcane!

  PLECK: Oh, alright, wow! Wow!

  IQQ: Your shoulders are so high.

  PLECK: Oh yeah, that’s because I’m VERY nervous most of the time.

  IQQ: Bring them down. Everybody, come on in here, look… hold up! Look at you.

  PLECK: Yeah, this is Dar…

  DAR: Me?

  IQQ: Dar… Dar, you a star, come on in here. I don’t mean a red dwarf, I’m talking ‘bout a GIANT.

  PLECK: Yeah, Dar is very large.

  IQQ: Yeah you are. I could use somebody in this facility like yourself.

  DAR: Oh… thank you?

  IQQ: Yeah… What’s your ship’s name?

  PLECK: Oh, this is Bargarean Jade!

  [Bargie plays her horn]

  IQQ: WHOOOO-HOO! Hoohoohoohoo.

  BARGIE: That’s right, I’m just hovering above, y’know.

  IQQ: [laughs] Get your ass in here, quit hovering, you turn up

  BARGIE: I usually don’t like to get involved, but you’re a sweet one. He’s a sweetie, right here.

  IQQ: [chuckling] You turn off those magnetic fields, get your ass in here. Mmm, one more direct hit to the rear deflector shield, I tell you what!

  BARGIE: Let me drop some of my oil on you.

  [a hatch opens on BARGIE]

  IQQ: [as oil splashes on him] N-ahhhhhbLYYAA ha HA!

  PLECK: That’s her whole thing, Bargie loves that gag.

  IQQ: Well, y’all are welcome, y’all are welcome.

  PLECK: Thank you! Thank you! Hey listen, I’m with the Federated Alliance, this is C-53, this is our protocol droid.

  IQQ: Oh, what’s up my man? How’re you doing?

  [a mechanized handshake occurs]

  C-53: How is it going?

  IQQ: Oh it’s… [chuckling] I can’t tell it, y’know what I’m saying! I’m just a Tellurian, just tryna make as many Kroons as possible, you know what I’m saying?

  C-53: This is an extremely involved handshake.

  IQQ: You’re rodddamn right.

  C-53: I am familiar with many types of handshake.

  IQQ: You can keep up!

  C-53: Still going!

  IQQ: You’re alright man, you can hang out. And the rest of you can hang out too, because let me tell you something about the Zenk District man, do you know about the Zenk District?

  PLECK: Ah, no, I actually hadn’t heard of the Zenk District until

  IQQ: Many come, few conquer.

  PLECK: Oh, y-yeah.

  DAR: [laughs] Many come, we get that. Do you get that, Pleck?

  PLECK: Yeah, I… I think I get that.

  IQQ: How deep you like your puns, Sugarcane? How deep you like your puns, Sugarcane?

  PLECK: [nervous laughter] I mean, let’s go all the way, man.

  IQQ: Why you all come here, man?

  PLECK: Well, you know, we’re just here to

  IQQ: How you like ‘em?

  PLECK: We’re—What? Like what?

  IQQ: You know! Your thoroughbreds!

  [noises of people approaching]

  IQQ: Yeah, hahaHA! You like that?

  SEX DROID 1: [deep robotic voice] HEY.

  PLECK: Who are these… ?

  SEX DROID 2: [lighter robotic voice] GREETINGS, I WILL DO IT.

  C-53: It’s a very early model sex droid.

  IQQ: That’s true, that’s an early model sex droid, the OS system is… terrible. But some people get off on it!

  C-53: Yeah, many people enjoy a retro experience.

  IQQ: Yeah, people like that, you know, you can get freaky on a doorknob if you want to, it don’t matter, man. So wh-wh-wh-whatchu want?

  PLECK: What do I want?

  IQQ: How many Kroons you bring?

  PLECK: Oh, uh…

  IQQ: You celebrating something?

  PLECK: You know, I don’t have a bunch of Kroons, my job is… sort of terrible, when it comes to… payment, so I’m just sort of in it for… maybe just looking around.

  IQQ: Looking around.

  PLECK: Yeah, just looking around…

  IQQ: [whoops]

  DAR: Pleck, turn off the streaming and listen to you!

  IQQ: Who window-shops? You window-shop? You came all the way to the Zenk District to window-shop?

  C-53: [whispered] Ambassador Decksetter, it may be necessary for you to go forward on this planet, if we are to find Tillion Runff.

  PLECK: Yeah, you’re right, you’re right. So listen, IQQ, very excited about this, just show me to the, um, hall of um, uh…

  IQQ: Yes? Yes?

  PLECK: The ol’… the, uh, client room.

  IQQ: Sex hall?

  PLECK: [relieved] The sex hall, yeah, yeahyeahyeahyeah.

  IQQ: Come on in, y’all, to the sex hall.

  PLECK: Can I ask you a question?

  IQQ: Please.

  PLECK: Is this whole planet like this?

  IQQ: [chuckling] Not yet. It’s gonna be. It’s gonna.

  PLECK: Oh, great, great. So you’re building an empire here.

  IQQ: [indignant] PIMPire.

  PLECK: Oh, OH. That one I understand.

  IQQ: That one you understood? [chortles] What about you, friend?

  [Flappy Garfon sound effects]

  DAR: Sorry?

  IQQ: Dar, what you in the market for?

  DAR: Oh, I’m almost at level nineteen.

  IQQ: Of what?

  PLECK: Dar’s been playing this… Flappy Garfon.

  IQQ: Oh, Flappy Garfon? That shit is easy!

  DAR: I agree, but no thank you. I don’t pay.

  IQQ: You don’t pay… let me ask you all, let me ask y’all a question: do you like what you do for a living?

  PLECK: That’s a really good question! I like it in theory? And I think that the adventure really appeals

  BARGIE: NO.

  IQQ: Thank you, Bargie, for honestly answering that. Here, could we… come on, let’s walk and talk.

  PLECK: Okay, okay.

  [the crew is walking]

  IQQ: Now here, you know, you SEE everything, and you’ve seen that I have the best in all the land, right? But let me ask you a question: have you ever thought, for a second, "I don’t like going around to different systems, to quasars, to moons, to gaseous balls, could I possibly do something else?"

  PLECK: Yeah, yeah.

  DAR: Oh, yeah.

  PLECK: Dar talks about that all the time.

  DAR: All the time.

  IQQ: Dar, don’t you have different sex bits? That could, um

  DAR: You could tell just from looking at me?

  IQQ: I’ve got the eye. [to SEX DROID] Don’t I have the eye?

  SEX DROID: Yeah man, you got the eye.

  IQQ: Damn right, got Zyxx on my head. Now let me tell you something, looking at a specimen like yourself, you could fetch a very fine price at market. DAR: Oh!

  IQQ: A very fine price.

  DAR: You’re saying selling my bits.

  IQQ: Selling your bits! Not disembodied.

  DAR: How much are we talking?

  IQQ: Oh, how many Kroons, at least… hmm, what, at least…

  SEX DROID 3: Uh, I’d say, about, three hundred and twenty Kroons? IQQ: Kabam! Three hundred and twenty krooooooons. Whatchu think? G-g-g-gOOW! DAR: Once up front, or like, every time?

  IQQ: Well… it’s up to you, you finance it, whatever you want to do. PLECK: Dar, three hundred and twenty Kroons is like, more than I make in a week. DAR: I… yes.

  PLECK: That’s good, that’s…

  SEX DROID 4: Uh, daddy?

  IQQ: Yeah, go ahead.

  SEX DROID 4: We’re having some trouble with the rich boy.

  IQQ: The… oh, not HIM.

  SEX DROID 4: Yeah, he’s been throwing up. He’s been throwing up, and crying, and stuff.

  PLECK: Wait, throwing up?

  IQQ: Yeah, he has a lot of hot vomit, this kid.

  PLECK: Hey, y’know, we could go just talk to him, if you wanted us to, just to

  IQQ: [interrupting] Whuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuh! You wanna pay for that?

  PLECK: For the rich kid?

  DAR: For the rich boy?

  IQQ: To see him throw up?

  PLECK: NO. No, no, nonono, that’s not… Nah…

  IQQ: This what you into? That’s what blows your hair back.

  PLECK: That’s not really me…

  IQQ: Tellurians, CRAZY [chuckles] I LIKE IT!

  C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, perhaps it would be best if you pretended you were into that.

  PLECK: Yeah, listen, just

  IQQ: So you’re not into it, you’re into it?

  PLECK: Yeah, I’ll just… check it out.

  IQQ: I knew it! I knew it! You like to JO to vomit, don’t you.

  PLECK: Yep, that’s me. Ol’ Sugarcane.

  IQQ: Come on back here, boy! All y’all like that? All y’all like that?

  DAR: Not as much as Pleck, so he should definitely be front row.

  PLECK: [grumbles]

  IQQ: [laughs] Sugarcane! Come on, yeah, alright! I’ve been having this business going on ten years, that’s really crazy, y’know? You have no idea how many hang ups you have, and problems, and outflow of income, and people coming in going in raids and things like that, it’s crazy, y’know?

  PLECK: Yeah, yeah.

  IQQ: But it’s the best business in the world.

  [slorping sounds]

  DAR: Whoa! Is this a glory wall?

  IQQ: It’s a whooooole glory wall. If you like anthropods around your thang, do it. Oh! I knew it!

  DAR: Wooooooow.

  IQQ: If you like tentacles around your testicles, this is the wall for you.

  C-53: This wall is unbelievable!

  IQQ: Thank you.

  DAR: Very soft.

  PLECK: There are a lot of electrical sockets here, C-53.

  IQQ: Nah, that’s just a USB port, one of them, but

  C-53: IQQ, do you mind if I engage with one of these ports?

  DAR: C! When you’re not streaming, you’re bad.

  C-53: If I am not streaming I am permitted a number of liberties I am not allowed while I am streaming.

  PLECK: Sure!

  GLORY WALL: [robotic voice] how many amps do you want, new friend?

  C-53: [whispered] Maximum hemorrhage.

  PLECK: Whoa! C-53! What is

  IQQ: This is the reason why we kept the USB port! Finally!

  PLECK: Oh boy, listen, C-53…

  GLORY WALL: [chimes] We have reached completion.

  PLECK: [surprised] Oh!

  [retracting sound]

  C-53: We may continue, Ambassador Decksetter.

  PLECK: That was very efficient!

  IQQ: I like to watch that.

  [vomiting sounds]

  IQQ: Oh come ON, aw man.

  PLECK: Is that the guy? The rich guy?

  IQQ: Yeah, yeah, come on, get your weenie out, let’s go.

  PLECK: N-no, come on, I just

  IQQ: Oh, you like to do it over your clothes! [chortles] You nasty!

  PLECK: Y-you know what, what I kind of think I like to do, is look at it and then think about it way later. So I’m just gonna look now, and think about it later. IQQ: Let me hit the code here…

  [beeping sounds, a door opens]

  [vomiting]

  TILLION: I’m sorry, I didn’t know there would be people watching me. IQQ: Well, we got you an audience young man! How you doing, one percent? TILLION: It’s such a lovely day, isn’t it?

  IQQ: Yeah, it is! It is a lovely day, and we brought some people that wanna watch you do your thing.

  TILLION: This is what I love about this place, there are absolutely no rules! I go in here, I have the time of my life, people watch me have the time of my life! I can vomit freely without somebody judging me, like my mummy. I can do whatever I like!

  DAR: And you like… vomiting?

  TILLION: I love it. You know why? It’s the most organic thing you could ever do in your entire life, you’re bringing out part of yourself and placing it on the floor. It’s like Tellurian gardening! Where you are in fact the—[vomits loudly]

  IQQ: We’ve had to, uh, pitch the floor a little bit.

  PLECK: Yeah.

  TILLION: I’m never going back home! Nothing could ever convince me!

  PLECK: Listen, IQQ, could you, uh, could you grab me a towel?

  IQQ: [surprised] Uh, yeah! Okay! [confused] You know how to jerk off, right?

  C-53: Do you know how to jerk off, Ambassador Decksetter?

  DAR: Do you?

  PLECK: Yes! Yes, I know how to do it, I just want to do it later.

  IQQ: We have space slugs available.

  PLECK: No, I’m fine…

  IQQ: We have space slugs available, don’t be ashamed.

  [squishing sounds]

  IQQ: This is Addendu.

  PLECK: Ugh.

  IQQ: He will do it for you if you want.

  PLECK: Really, really not interested

  IQQ: It’s just a couple Kroons!

  ADDENDU: Alright, if you don’t want it, fine then.

  [slithers off]

  PLECK: Thanks.

  IQQ: Alright then. It’s embarrassing you don’t want to get jerked off by a space slug!

  PLECK: I just want a moment alone, with this

  IQQ: You want the room. You want the room!

  PLECK: Yeah, that’s:

  IQQ: You want the room, why didn’t you just say that? "Can I have the room, please?"

  PLECK: Yeah, I just want the room…

  IQQ: I will be, I will be, I will get that towel for you.

  PLECK: IQQ, you’re the best, you’re the best.

  IQQ: Alright.

  [IQQ exits]

  TILLION: Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la…

  C-53: Shall I incapacitate, Ambassador Decksetter?

  PLECK: Sure, yes, please.

  [swift rush of wind, Tillion falls to the floor choking]

  PLECK: Wow! That was very fast!

  C-53: Tellurians are very soft.

  PLECK: Jeez! Never punch me! Hey Dar, can you lift him?

  DAR: Yeah, but we can’t just walk him out of the building. We need to hide him somewhere, we need to.… stash him inside of me.

  PLECK: Oh, wow, can you do that?

  DAR: Yeah. [squelching sounds] C, can you just help me real quick? I can’t get the shoulder up in here.

  C-53: Alright, does this help? [robotic arm motions]

  DAR: It does!

  IQQ: [muffled] I’ve got your towel out here!

  PLECK: Oh, uh, just one second, IQQ!

  IQQ: What’re you… how long is it gonna take you, man?

  PLECK: Listen, uh… [whispered] Guys, what are we going to do? He’s gonna notice that

  IQQ: How long does it take a Tellurian to pleasure himself?

  PLECK: It takes a while ‘cause I do it weird, man!

  ADDENDU: [slithers up] Hey, it’s me, it’s me, so… if you give me two Kroons, I’ll go under that blanket so that Tellurian boy can pretend to be sleeping. Just two Kroons.

  PLECK: I mean, okay, sure.

  ADDENDU: Just stick it to my slime.

  PLECK: Okay, okay!

  ADDENDU: You’ve got to scoop some of my slop under it or they’ll see my slop coming out. Just got to

  PLECK: Just get under the blanket! [to IQQ] Come on in, come on in!

  [door opens]

  PLECK: Hey, listen, he fell asleep, and we’re all good here. We’re just gonna take… off.

  IQQ: Oh, okay. Everything seems to be on the up and up.

  PLECK: Yep, yep.

  IQQ: Three hundred and twenty Kroons, please.

  PLECK: Three hundred and twenty Kroons?!

  IQQ: Three hundred and twenty Kroons for the pleasure.

  PLECK: That seems… that seems high.

  IQQ: Well, you can always work it off.

  PLECK: Oh… does anybody come to this place, looking for a person like me? IQQ: Hmmm… I can… create a market.

  PLECK: What… what would that entail?

  IQQ: I don’t know. Marketing is hard.

  C-53: Perhaps play on his innocence, and general naivete?

  IQQ: Now you got something.

  PLECK: Because I don’t really know… I’m… I’m… I’ve never… . [sighs] I’ve never jucked anybody before.

  IQQ: You’ve never jucked anybody before?!

  PLECK: No…

  IQQ: [boisterous laugh] Ho ho! Ha! Hit the alarm!

  [alarm blares]

  ALARM: NEVER JUCKED BEFORE! NEVER JUCKED ANYONE! N-N-N-NEVER JUCKED! NE-NE-NE-NEVER!

  IQQ: Can I say something now?

  PLECK: I guess so?

  IQQ: Are you talking about, you’ve only made love?

  PLECK: N-no. No no.

  [IQQ hits alarm again]

  ALARM: NEVER JUCKED! NEVER JUCKED ANYONE! N-N-N-NEVER!

  IQQ: What about you, Dar?

  DAR: I’ve been with over a hundred and seventy three different species in the galaxy, and I just accommodate them with my genitalia.

  IQQ: Wow! Color me impressed. How you do that? Take me to knowledge college.

  DAR: I mean, I’m fortunate enough

  TILLION [muffled] Where am I?

  IQQ: Huh?

  TILLION: What’s this place? It’s so dark in here.

  PLECK: Hoo boy.

  IQQ: What’s going on here?

  C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, Tillion Runff has woken up.

  IQQ: What the juck?

  PLECK: IQQ, listen

  IQQ: YOU GOT THAT BOY UP IN YOUR BODY?!

  PLECK: No no no, that’s just the sound…

  DAR: No no no, it’s just those are my genitals.

  IQQ: That’s a boy!

  DAR: No no, my genitals take many different shapes!

  IQQ: You’ve got one person in your body!

  DAR: They have shapeshifted into a annoying boy!

  IQQ: I’m going back to his room right now!

  [door opens]

  IQQ: Space slug? What the hell’re you doing under those bedsheets? Are you trying to PASS OFF, in THIS MOMENT, YOURSELF

  ADDENDU: No, no, I wouldn’t do that!

  IQQ: I hear what you’re saying but the evidence is to the contrary! C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, I suggest we run FAST.

  PLECK: Well, thanks IQQ, great time, really fun time!

  DAR: Thanks so much!

  IQQ: Y’all taking my merch! Y’all taking my merch!

  [the crew begins running]

  PLECK: No, I—see you later!

  IQQ: He’s not in the room!

  [blaster charges]

  CLINT: Boss, do you want us to kill them?

  IQQ: Please.

  DAR: Run. Run.

  PLECK: No no no we gotta go, we gotta go, bye!

  [blaster shots whizz past them]

  IQQ: Blast them! Blast them! Somebody bring me my sex gun, so I can blow the shit out of these people with sex.

  CLINT: Here it is!

  IQQ: Thank you.

  [IQQ pumps the sex gun to completion. It begins firing]

  PLECK: [assorted screams]

  C-53: AHGhgHHmbassador Decksetter, I am absorbing a nuhhmMMMber of shots from the sex gun.

  PLECK: Oh, no!

  IQQ: Feel the power of this sex gun!

  PLECK: Get on the ship!

  IQQ: Get out of here, you! Get out of here!

  PLECK: Bargie!

  [BARGIE flies up]

  PLECK: Bargie, we gotta go! We gotta go, Bargie!

  [BARGIE flies off]

  IQQ: [singing] I was meant to be hurt… I was meant… to be dissed. [transition music]

  ROLPHUS: Attention rebels, this is your cool, fun leader Rolphus Tiddle, here to tell you that support for the rebellion against the dumdum Federated Alliance comes from MeUndies. And fellas, support for your jewels comes from MeUndies too, because MeUndies diamond sealed pouch cradles them without feeling too tight. That’s why MeUndies will be the most comfortable pair of underwear you will ever own, guaranteed! You’ll love your undies, or your money back. Your money back, rebels! And MeUndies also has tons of different styles and colors of women’s underwear. Undies for everyone! And right now there’s an exclusive offer only for rebels like you, 20 percent off your first pair, plus free shipping. WHAT?! Just go to

  https://meundies.com/zyxx, Z-Y-X-X, for that offer. That’s https://meundies.com/zyxx, for the softest underwear you will ever own, guaranteed! Rolphus Tiddle, over and out! The Alliance sucks!

  [transmission fizzles out, transition music]

  BARGIE: Alright, so that was fun, right?

  DAR: I think I was hit by the sex gun.

  C-53: I was definitely hit by the sex gun.

  PLECK: I don’t think I was?

  DAR: Of course not.

  C-53: We were trying to shield you from the blast.

  PLECK: Thanks, guys.

  C-53: You have a very weak constitution.

  DAR: You couldn’t handle the sex gun.

  PLECK: That’s true. [sighs] Maybe someday, right, guys?

  DAR: [hesitantly] Oh sure. Sure.

  TILLION: [still muffled] Anyone have a sandwich?

  DAR: [remembering] Oh.

  PLECK: You should probably let him out.

  DAR: Yes. Um, alright… [squelching sounds] Out through the chute! [Tillion falls to the floor]

  TILLION: Wait a second, this is not the… what is this? Where are you taking me? Do you know who I am?! I’m very important! I was having FUN!

  DAR: Shh, just play Flappy Garfon on this datapad. Here you go.

  TILLION: Oh, ohhhh… [Flappy Garfon boots up] I’ve been on level nineteen the last time I played.

  PLECK: Oh, nineteen!

  DAR: Well, I’m already at thirty-eight!

  PLECK: What?! That was so fast!

  [scraping sound]

  IQQ: Y’all motherjuckers is gonna be on level DEAD! That’s right, I snuck on the ship with a sex gun! One more blazing glory—

  [IQQ begins to pump the sex gun]

  BARGIE: I got this, I got this, I got this.

  [BARGIE’S hatch opens]

  IQQ: Wait, wha-AUGHHHH!

  [IQQ flies off into the void of space, never (NEVER) to be seen again]

  C-53: Hmm… normally I’d have to report this, but as I am not streaming, this is another ejection into space we need not report.

  PLECK: Wow… poor IQQ.

  DAR: Yeah, he wasn’t that bad.

  C-53: He was not a bad guy. I feel somewhat guilty about this one. PLECK: He was the only person to ever give me a nickname.

  DAR: Oh, Sugarcane! Just doesn’t fit.

  PLECK: Why not? Ambassador Sugarcane.

  DAR: Worse.

  PLECK: [sighs] Listen, C-53, can we call Nermut and let him know we found Tillion?

  C-53: Very well, establishing contact with Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy.

  [call connects]

  DAR: Hey Nerm!

  NERMUT: [sighs] Hey, hey.

  PLECK: Nermut, we did it!

  NERMUT: You got Tillion Runff?? Tillion Runff is onboard Bargie?

  PLECK: Tillion Runff is safe and sound on the Bargarean Jade.

  NERMUT: Oh, wow! Wow! Honestly, I had complete faith in you, but I also thought you might mess it up.

  PLECK: Okay, sure, thanks!

  NERMUT: Just don’t look at all the jars—I’m gonna move the camera…

  PLECK: How many times did you—we were there for like, two hours.

  NERMUT: I just, I drink water when I’m nervous. Alright, so this is the next phase of the mission: Tillion Runff needs to be dropped at a nearby amusement park. It’s a mobile amusement park

  BARGIE: That’s my son.

  PLECK: Oh!

  BARGIE: That’s him.

  NERMUT: Oh wow. Okay, so you’re gonna drop Tillion Runff onto Bargie’s son, and his mother is going to surreptitiously pick him up and this will have never happened.

  C-53: Shall I upload the record to you?

  NERMUT: Nonononononono.

  C-53: I wasn’t streaming, but I was, of course, recording.

  NERMUT: No! No! Nonononono that has to be destroyed!

  C-53: I will need to see the seal of a member of the Council of Seven to delete the footage.

  NERMUT: Oh, I… I… used the paper with the seal to clean up a spill.

  C-53: Why did you do that?

  NERMUT: One of the jars overflowed, and

  PLECK: Alright, listen, Nermut, we’ll drop Tillion off, we’ll talk to you later. NERMUT: Amazing work! We literally worked secretly for the council! [punches air] Hee ha!

  C-53: You did a little chop there.

  NERMUT: Yeah, I’ve been training with videos. Here, watch this: hiYA oh oh no it spilled everywhere.

  C-53: You spilled a bottle of urine on yourself.

  DAR: Yeah, you spilled… a LOT of urine on yourself.

  NERMUT: I’m gonna… I’m gonna sign off, it’s

  C-53: End transmission.

  PLECK: Bye, Nermut.

  [amusement park noises fade in, the cheers of children, the music of the carnival. BARGIE flies up]

  BARGIE: Son.

  [BLIMPIE’S voice is emitted from the speakers of the amusement park]

  BLIMPIE: Hey mom.

  BARGIE: You’re looking good. You look, uh, thinner.

  BLIMPIE: Thanks, mom.

  BARGIE: You’re still doing this amusement park thing? That’s good…

  BLIMPIE: Yeah, mom, I’m still an amusement park.

  BARGIE: You know, you could always go back to being a ship, I’m just saying…

  BLIMPIE: [angry] Mom, I’m not doing this today. I’m an amusement park, I’m proud of it, I’ve worked really hard at it…

  BARGIE: Are you dating? Are you in a stable relationship yet?

  BLIMPIE: Mom! Come on!

  BARGIE: What, I can’t be concerned about my son?

  BLIMPIE: No! No, I’m not, okay?

  BARGIE: You’re living like a vagrant!

  BLIMPIE: It’s my DREAM, it’s my DREAM to be an amusement park.

  BARGIE: Do you at least have an entry price? Do people pay money to enter you?

  BLIMPIE: [sheepishly] Sometimes.

  BARGIE: Sometimes.

  BLIMPIE: Sometimes, you know

  BARGIE: You need to understand your worth. At your age, I had seventeen movies

  BLIMPIE: Okay, here we go. Here we go.

  BARGIE: I had seventeen movies, I was in the skies, flying high, with Jecter Millimore and Hector LeFayne, do you know who they are?

  BLIMPIE: Yes, because you’ve told me so many times! I’m leaving. I’m leaving.

  BARGIE: No, wait no!

  BLIMPIE: I’m gone! I’m gone!

  BARGIE: Let me give you some gas.

  BLIMPIE: No! No!

  BARGIE: Give you some gas for the road!

  BLIMPIE: I can get my OWN gas, mom! I get my own gas!

  [BARGIE’S bay door opens]

  C-53: Ambassador, I am secreting Tillion Runff onto the amusement park.

  PLECK: Good job.

  C-53: He’s very distracted by Flappy Garfon.

  TILLION: I’m on level eighteen B nine!

  C-53: He’s gone into letters.

  BLIMPIE: Mom, I don’t know why we do this.

  BARGIE: Remember when you were young? Do you remember?

  BLIMPIE: Yeah.

  BARGIE: Who was the one who held you tight when we went through that black hole together?

  BLIMPIE: It was you.

  BARGIE: I still care for you, okay? Just take a little gas, that’s all I ask

  BLIMPIE: I’m not taking gas! I have gas, mom, gah!

  COUNCILLOR RUNFF: Tillion? Tillion, is that you?

  TILLION: Mummy?

  COUNCILLOR RUNFF: It’s me, under the cloak!

  TILLION: Alright… I was having the time of my life!

  BLIMPIE: What the juck is going on inside of me right now?

  BARGIE: I don’t know, a few itchies.

  BLIMPIE: Who’s near the cotton candy stand?

  TILLION: All I was doing there was vomiting, and people were paying me to do it!

  COUNCILLOR RUNFF: [angrily] You don’t know how disappointed we are.

  TILLION: I wanted to be known for my art of the vomit!

  BLIMPIE: You should just let your son do what he’s passionate about.

  COUNCILLOR RUNFF: Is the… is the amusement park talking to us?

  BLIMPIE: It’s me, it’s the amusement park, talking to you right now.

  COUNCILLOR RUNFF: Tillion, run! They can’t see me! I was never here!

  BLIMPIE: But I see you.

  COUNCILLOR RUNFF: I have a cloak on my head.

  TILLION: Right, the cloak that says "Seven Best Friends And I’m One of Them?"

  COUNCILLOR RUNFF: Well, you know…

  TILLION: Oh, go home, mummy. Because I’m no longer a virgin! [alarm sounds]

  ALARM: NOT A VIRGIN! YOU HAD S-S-S-SEX!

  BLIMPIE: Yeah, that’s my not-a-virgin alarm going off. Something I came up with myself, so, I’m innovating.

  BARGIE: I’m proud of you.

  BLIMPIE: Okay. Thanks, mom.

  BARGIE: I’ll see you during X-Marse?

  BLIMPIE: Yeah. I’ll see you during X-Marse.

  PLECK: You guys still get together for X-Marse?

  BLIMPIE: Yeah.

  BARGIE: Give your mother a kiss.

  [ships move, furniture crashes to the other side of Bargie]

  PLECK: WhoooOoaa, whoa! WHOA!

  BARGIE: That’s my boy.

  PLECK: Hey Bargie, your son seems fine! He seems like he’s making his way in this crazy galaxy, you know?

  BARGIE: I guess that’s true… except did you SEE the backside of that amusement park? Son, turn around.

  [scraping metal as Blimpie turns]

  C-53: He’s got a tattoo.

  [outro music]

  C-RED-IT-5: C-RED-IT-5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol.

  Ambassador Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford.

  C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent.

  Security Officer Dar was played by Allie Kokesh.

  Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy and Councillor Runff were played by Seth Lind.

  Bargie the Ship and Tillion Runff were played by Moujan Zolfaghari.

  Clone Light Infantry Nomadic Troopers and Blimpie the Amusement Park were played by Winston Noel.

  IQQ was played by special guest Jordan Carlos. He has been seen on Guy Code, Girl Code, The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore, Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham, The Colbert Report, Nurse Jackie, Girls, Broad City, and Samantha Bee’s Not The White House Correspondents Dinner. Follow him on Twitter @JordanCarlos.

  Mission to Zyxx is recorded at Braund Studios in Greenwood, Brooklyn, by engineer Shane O’Connell.

  This episode edited by Seth Lind, with sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell. Music by Brendan Ryan.

  Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

  Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz.

  Mission to Zyxx is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom. Thanks, Audioboom!

  Don’t forget to check out our website at https://missiontozyxx.space, where you can contact the crew, buy delicious merchandise, and get info about our upcoming live performances.

  This week’s outro music is a cover of Brendan Ryan’s theme by listener Bryan Kelly. Juck yeah, Bryan!

  [outtake]

  JORDAN: Oh, what’s up my man, how you doing?

  JEREMY: How is it going?

  JORDAN: Oh it’s… [chuckling] I can’t tell it, y’know what I’m saying! I’m just a Tellurian, just tryna make as much, uh, Kloondt?

  [everyone bursts out laughing]

  JEREMY: Kloondt!

  ALDEN: Kroons!

  JORDAN: Kroons?

  MOUJAN: Kroons.

  JORDAN: I’m just a CLINT, trying to make as many Kroons as possible, you know what I’m saying?

  JEREMY: This is an extremely involved handshake.

  JORDAN: Yeah, you goddamned right.

  JEREMY: Well, I am familiar with many types of handshakes…

  SETH: Oh, there’s no God. So, goddamn is off limits. We can always cut it to damn, so you’re welcome to say goddamn

  JORDAN: [tentatively] Oh, damn.

  SETH: It’s always cuttable, but you can always make up a new god.

  JORDAN: [laughs] Uh, RODDdamn. How’s that?

  SETH: That’s great.

  JORDAN: Rodddamn. You alright man, you can hang out. And the rest of y’all can hang out too because letmetellyoualittlesomethingabouttheZenkDistrict, man. You know about the Zenk District?

  [end]