D04: The Role of a Lietime
We’re off to Holowood! Or HoloWEIRD as I like to call it! I find myself once again slingin’ grub to a bunch of ingrates, this time alongside an innocent young up-and-comer full of bad coffee and big dreams. Shae and GOOD_E find the perfect and most depressing place to lay low. Zap Zop gets discovered! And you’ll never guess who kicks my bucket this time. Never meet your heroes!
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[recording of slow, upbeat keyboard music starts up: voice sings, ♪ Are you lookin’ for a fun? C’mon, everyone ♪]
[Music distorts and cuts off. Derf's recording starts in a dermatologist's office, soft easy-listening music in the background.]
DERF: You see, these doctors, they always make you wait outside. And then you gotta wait again in the room. Fortunately, I have my recorder. I can ma—take good use of the time. But, you know, your skin is important. Words from Derf. Get your skin checked. Because here's the thing, you remember that mole that floated out of my butthole? Like a hot air balloon? That is a red flag. That is—they're not supposed to do that. So, you know, I am functionally immortal, but I still have to get the old up-and-down checked out. You know what I mean? And so I'm here at the dermatologist.
Anyway, where was I? So we had just escaped Chunnelston. And I mean, well, I didn't. I was murdered as yoozh. And I'll tell you what, folks, you know what really roasts my raspberries? When people don't understand history. I was reading a history book the other day. You know, just flipping through, because I'm, you know, a part of the literati. And they gave Twinkle credit for killing the princeling, which destabilized the Monarchy and would eventually lead domino-fall after domino-fall to the end of the Monarchy, when Twinkle didn't do that at all. Twinkle just killed me. He killed me! Derf. The actual destabilization happened with the fateful bedpan emptying. And that should be the title of the chapter in the history book. It's not like I assassinated the prince. He self-assassinated in a lot of ways. But, uh… that's what started it all: Derf! Who do you have to talk to to change history? Is there an email, or how do you—how do ya get to history?
[door opens]
DERMATOLOGIST: Mr. Dinkleson…
DERF: Yes?
DERMATOLOGIST: Okay, let's see… Oh, you don't have—you can keep the gown on, actually. You don't have—
DERF: This is a gown? Oh, I thought it was like a cape.
DERMATOLOGIST: Yeah, wow, okay.
DERF: It's flowing, windy in here! And my eyes are up here. You're really glancing at my… moley hog. Where was I? Oh, Twinkle.
[recording fades into the ambient background noises of an old transport ship just as an incoming transmission connects]
TWINKLE: [over comms] Shae, GOOD_E, Derf.
DERF: Twinkle.
TWINKLE: The mission at Chunnelston was more impactful than we could have ever hoped. You sowed such chaos, and with the princeling out of the picture, the Monarchy's diplomatic channels are fading. Their grip on the outer planets, it's loosening.
[sound of ship's turn signal]
SHAE: I mean, I guess that's a good thing?
TWINKLE: Yes, which means Talbot might owe us. I'll try to get word to him, see if he can ease off the pressure on you.
SHAE: Okay, yes!
DERF: Who is Talbot, anyway? You guys keep talking about him.
GOOD_E: He's a dangerous crime lord.
TWINKLE: He's a ripped Flarn. Until you hear from me, lay low. Talk to no one.
MORGUE BOT 3: [wheeling in] Greetings.
TWINKLE: [still over comms] What?
SHAE: Oh, Derf has also snuck aboard two… more sentients for our little trip.
MORGUE BOT 3: It is a pleasure to meet you. You are not dead.
[Twinkle sighs]
DERF: Yes, we have a high-power, uh, Zima warrior.
ZAPZOP: Hello.
DERF: And a morgue bot with dreams.
MORGUE BOT 3: And a pilot.
TWINKLE: Talk to no one… but them. Avoid crowds. Avoid cameras. Stay far away from large lights.
MORGUE BOT 3: Ohhh, I can see the Holowood sign!
TWINKLE: Ah, juck my butt.
[transmission disconnects]
GOOD_E: Oh, he hung up.
SHAE: Oh, oh.
GOOD_E: That was rude.
ZAPZOP: Well, listen, Derf, I don't know what you hope to achieve here on Holowood, but you seem willing to follow anyone but me. So maybe it's time I follow you.
DERF: Oh, man, I can't believe it worked! Alright, ZapZop's in. We got ourselves a crew. We are rollin' deep.
ZAPZOP: Yeah, well…
DERF: I've got a nose for the Space, and the Space is bringing us right here where we need to be. The world of cocktails and dreams. The Space wants you here.
ZAPZOP: Okay. Yeah, yeah.
SHAE: Remind me how you two know each other?
DERF: I die, and then I see him, and he's always like, "Come to my house, come to my house. You have to come—"
ZAPZOP: It's not my house. It's an entire planet where the wisdom of generations is stored.
DERF: He's sorta like my Space dad in a lot of ways. Uh, this is ZapZop.
SHAE: Oh.
ZAPZOP: No.
SHAE: He's your Papa.
DERF: Papa. Yeah, that's it.
ZAPZOP: No. That title will be reserved for me when I earn the privilege.
SHAE: Wait. I guessed correctly?
ZAPZOP: Technically, yes.
SHAE: Hmm.
ZAPZOP: Yeah.
[lever flips, sound of ship idling]
SHAE: I don't see any signage. No meters. So this must be a perfect place to park. Alright, everybody out of the ship.
[door opens, everyone unbuckles, exits the ship, and starts walking]
MORGUE BOT 3: I am so honored that you chose to join me here in Holowood. Everything wonderful is made here.
ZAPZOP: Yeah, like garbage.
DERF: And this entire planet is one big studio? Is that how it works?
MORGUE BOT 3: Correct.
DERF: Making comedies, dramas, dramedies.
MORGUE BOT 3: Cramas.
ZAPZOP: Cramas are crime dramas.
MORGUE BOT 3: My processor is all aflutter.
TINY PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: [nervously] Hey, hey, sorry. Sorry, y-you're on an active set and your v—and voices carry. If you don't mind being a little quiet, we're in the middle of filming a p-pretty big-deal film right now.
MORGUE BOT 3: I'm so sorry.
SHAE: What? No, this is your chance, Morgue Bot! He's got a great script.
MORGUE BOT 3: Are you interested in reading a 44-minute pilot?
TINY PA: I'm sure it's amazing and great, but I'm just a lowly little s-six-inch PA!
[a voice yells "Cut!" and a bell rings]
STEVE BAJANKLES: [through a megaphone] Alright, we're coming through, everybody. Wait—hey!
[Bajankles shuts off the megaphone]
BAJANKLES: Hey, what's everyone standing around for? Come on, come on!
[everyone mumbles and complains as they get out of the way]
DERF: Uh, we just—we just got here, so we're not actually working in Holowood…
BAJANKLES: [mockingly] "Oh, we just got—"! We all just got here, buddy! If you're gonna on this lot, you're gonna work. Now you, with the wristwatch!
SHAE: Me? Oh, no. I'm just here to fade into the background. I don't wanna pull any focus.
BAJANKLES: Oh, a writer, huh? Alright. We need pages! Go over there.
SHAE: Oh! Oh—
BAJANKLES: Yeah, get in the engine room. [gently hitting Shae in that direction] That's where all the writers are, crankin’ out pages for the movie. No one will notice you, talk to you, or think about you in there.
SHAE: Sure, sure. [Shae clops away]
BAJANKLES: Now, get to work!
TINY PA: This is Steve Bajankles. He's the director of the lot.
BAJANKLES: That's me.
TINY PA: He gives out jobs to everybody!
BAJANKLES: I give out jobs as the director of the lot.
[pause, stifled laughter]
DERF: Checks out.
ZAPZOP: Listen, we're sort of here on what kind of feels like a side quest, so we'll just get out of your way.
WARDROBE: Wardrobe cart comin’ through!
ZAPZOP: Oh, geez, I-I'm right in the way. Front flip!
DERF: Whoaaa!
BAJANKLES: What the—?
ZAPZOP: You think the back flip is where it ends? The back flip is where it begins, my friend.
DERF: Wow.
BAJANKLES: You're perfect. [over megaphone] Hey, wardrobe, turn the cart around. Get him—Get over here!
[Wardrobe person starts manhandling ZapZop]
ZAPZOP: Hey, let go of me. Hey, hey, stop.
WARDROBE: Hi, uh… just follow me this way.
[ZapZop and the wardrobe person grumbling at each other as they move away]
BAJANKLES: [megaphone] Oh, yeah, go that way.
DERF: That's how it happens, ZapZop! Good luck! You're famous!
ZAPZOP: [in the distance] I don’t—I don't want this!
BAJANKLES: [megaphone] Alright, you. Scruffy one. [megaphone off] Scruffy guy.
DERF: Yes?
BAJANKLES: Head over to Crafty.
DERF: What's Crafty? Is that where you go and you craft the story of the film? Or is it someone like, uhh, building a set out of like, raw wood and parts that the greatest actors may tread in front of?
BAJANKLES: It's a table where we keep the food.
DERF: Oh.
BAJANKLES: Go on. Get out of here! Right up that ramp.
DERF: Oh, it's—it’s inside of a ship. Cool.
BAJANKLES: [megaphone] Go! Get outta here! [megaphone off] Alright, you.
MORGUE BOT 3: Welcome to the morg—Oh, oh, I am so embarrassed. We are no longer in the morgue. Thank you for having me—ohh…
BAJANKLES: Shhhut up. Have you ever shoveled orse shit?
MORGUE BOT 3: I am not familiar with—
BAJANKLES: We got seventy-five orses on this picture! You gotta get over there and shovel that shit!
MORGUE BOT 3: Oh, it is a dream come true.
BAJANKLES: Shut up!
[transition: dramatic Old Holowood-style orchestral score with strings]
GAFFER: Oh, there you are! I mean, wait, who's going to open these prepackaged donuts for me?
DERF: Yeah, I guess me. I'm, uh, the Crafty… guy on this. What kind of holo is this? Is this a big-time feature? Is it, uh… space gangsters or anything?
BIT-PART PLAYER: Are you trying to talk to us?
GAFFER: [impatiently] Un. Wrap. The donuts. [snapping fingers]
DERF: Okay. I’ll—I'll unwrap them for you. I don't know, we're just a couple sentient beings standing near each other. Just a table separating us.
BIT PLAYER: [condescendingly] There's a table separating us for a reason.
DERF: Are you stars, or why are you being so mean?
[the bit player gasps, offended]
GAFFER: I'm a gaffer.
DERF: Oh, cool.
BIT PLAYER: Look, if we were the stars of this production—and I'm saying this as if I were a friend—you should know not to even make eye contact.
DERF: Alright, I'll just look at the floor and hand you blazing hot liquids.
OPEN-MOUTH COFFEE LOVER: Speaking of, how long does a guy have to sit here with his mouth open until someone pours coffee in it?
CRAFTY-SERVICES SHIP: [in a familiar Bargie-esque voice, only more optimistic] Oh, that would be me.
[the ship turns on a full-blast stream of coffee]
COFFEE LOVER: [gulping] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
SHIP: Wow.
COFFEE LOVER: Oh, wow, that's good.
SHIP: He drank that up quick!
DERF: Oh, so the ship is also working Crafty? I've never really worked inside of a co-worker before, but okay.
SHIP: [enthusiastically] I'm on my first day of work.
DERF: What's your name, ship?
SHIP: [shyly] Oh, me? You asking little ol’ me? Ha-ha! Well, my name is the Bargarean Jade, but you can call me Bargie.
DERF: The name sounds fake, but that's cool. Did you just get off a larger ship that pulled into Holowood?
BARGIE (CRAFTY-SERVICES SHIP): Sure did! From a little small town called Ohiostan.
DERF: [laughing] Ohiostan? Really?
BARGIE: Yeah. I'm new to town! This is my first day on this job! Isn't it grand? Isn't it great?
DERF: Yes.
BARGIE: Wide-eyed and bushy, I am!
DERF: Bushy?
BARGIE: So excited!
DERF: I'm Derf. Pleasure to get crafty with ya.
BARGIE: It's just a simple little job, but I'm so excited to be here. I'm Bargie! Bushy-eyed tail. Positive. Not a care in the world!
DERF: I know. You're excited. I feel the same way. I'm so excited to be here.
BARGIE: [naïvely] I heard stories. I don't know if this is true, that sometimes… some scandals can happen in Holowood, but not for me! I'm only here for positivity, and for—and for sparks, and for can—and glittery—joy—stuff.
DERF: Yeah, we all got big dreams here. I'm here to track down my murderer, maybe.
BARGIE: Oh, wow. That's dark. I've never seen a murder happen in my life.
DERF: Really?
BARGIE: No!
DERF: I've been on the business end of a couple. You know, it's what you expect, and it's bad.
BARGIE: [optimistically] Oh! Well, all I care about is making my friends laugh, and—and looking up at the stars in the sky and saying, "One day, I'm gonna be there, too!"
DERF: Yeah, I love your positivity. You're such a dreamer. Did you grow up in a—sort of a sheltered shipyard of some sort?
BARGIE: Somethin’ like that. I used to be an elevator.
DERF: [laughing] You used to be an elevator? What happened?
BARGIE: Well, I got older, that is.
DERF: Like puberty for a ship? You start as an elevator?
BARGIE: Well, what are your dreams? What do you wanna do?
DERF: My dreams? I don't know. I feel like destiny keeps knockin’ on my door. Because, you know, I love—I love snacks.
BARGIE: Yeah.
DERF: And I love giving them to people in small doses, yo’know?
BARGIE: Yeah.
DERF: So that's why I think Crafty's a great landing spot for me.
BARGIE: Yeah.
DERF: But, you know, I don't know—I got this other guy who’s telling me to go to another planet and become, um, like, a messiah? But… feels like a lotta homework.
BARGIE: I know what you mean. I had a little dream in my head the other day that said, "Hey, give up, Bargie. Don't do it! It's only gonna ruin you, and make you feel negative, and stress you out. And you fall into drugs and hard alcohol and sexual deviance."
DERF: Hard alcohol? Oof.
BARGIE: But then I thought, "Nah, I'm gonna do what I'm gonna love." And that's gonna be here, working besides you in Crafty. [moving the gas mechanism] Hey, who wants some gas? Who wants some gas?
DERF: Yeah, put a little gas in the coffee. Let's mix it up
BARGIE: Alright, here you go: Dumping gas! Dumping gas! [sound of gas dumping into the coffee]
[hatch opens]
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: And that's snack break, everyone! Let's get the entire cast and crew to rush Crafty. Let's get an onslaught, we got eight minutes to get everyone sated.
CREW MEMBER IN A HURRY: Eight minutes, quick!
BARGIE: [frantically dumping small amounts of coffee] There you go. Oh, there ya go.
DERF: Alright.
BARGIE: Hey, hey, hey! Slow down, it's okay!
GLUTEN HATER: Do you have any gluten-free pastries?
BARGIE: No.
GLUTEN LOVER: Do you have any pastry-free gluten?
BARGIE: No.
GLUTEN LOVER: Just a sack of gluten?
DERF: Lotta requests here.
GLUTEN HATER: Hey, you and I oughta hang out together, buddy.
GLUTEN LOVER: Boy, between the two of us, we can—we could do anything!
GLUTEN HATER: Yeah!
CREW MEMBER IN A HURRY: I need you to chew my food and spit it in my mouth!
DERF: Thank you, folks. We appreciate all of your dietary requests. But, like all Crafty tables, we'll ignore them completely and serve you dusty nuts.
[transition: orchestral music with quick, suspenseful strings]
OVERTHINKING WRITER: [typing, crying] Oh, I don't wanna break Act One!
HEAD WRITER: Think! Think, you idiot. Think! [bangs the desk]
GOOD_E: Oh, wow. Everybody here looks nervous and sad.
WRITER 3: Okay, okay, okay, okay. But, but, but, but! What if, what if…
WRITER 4: Uh-huh, uh-huh? Yeah?
[Writer 3 takes out a marker and starts scribbling ideas furiously on a whiteboard]
WRITER 3: …the florist and the architect are long-lost twins?
[a couple of writers "huh" thoughtfully]
WRITER 5: That's a terrible idea.
[several writers chorus in disapproval: "Yeah, that’s a terrible idea," "Really bad"]
HEAD WRITER: You jucking idiot. Are you jucking outta your mind?
[the head writer grabs the writer with the broken leg and starts dragging them toward the window]
WRITER 3: No, please, please—please don't throw me out! No, please, please!
[sound of the writer being defenestrated, yelling as they fall]
SHAE: GOOD_E, do you see what's happening here?
GOOD_E: Uh, I think they're—
SHAE: You have a bunch of sweaty, pale losers who don't believe in their own ideas.
OVERTHINKING WRITER: I have an idea.
HEAD WRITER: You! Go!
[The overthinking writer uncaps the marker and scribbles furiously on the whiteboard]
OVERTHINKING WRITER: [panicked, stuttering] O-okay, so maybe in Act One, the protagonist is actually the antagonist. So the whole time, the audience is like, "ahh, I believe in the protagonist!" So by the movie’s ends—ends. I don't know, maybe someone dies?
SHAE: GOOD_E, watch this.
[The head writer throws the overthinking writer out of the window with a frustrated shout. The overthinking writer sobs dejectedly.]
GOOD_E: It doesn't seem right to treat people this way. And they haven't broken any story.
[the door opens, someone enters]
WRITER 3: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
GOOD_E: The guy they threw out has just come back!
[the writer with the broken leg shuts the door]
BROKEN-LEG WRITER (WRITER 3): I just broke my leg. I'm fine, I'm fine. But I've got a new take on the script.
[the writer with a broken leg gets redefenestrated]
SHAE: You know it doesn't seem right, GOOD_E, but the vibe? I think I'm gonna thrive in here.
GOOD_E: But Shae, I thought we were supposed to keep a low profile.
HEAD WRITER: Hey!
SHAE: Oh!
HEAD WRITER: [accusatory] What are you two talkin’ about over there?
SHAE: Uh… well, the watch was just about—
HEAD WRITER: The watch has a pitch? Alright, let's hear it.
GOOD_E: Uh, okay. Uh… yeah, yeah, here's a pitch: What if… what if everybody just treats everybody nicely in the—in the story, and just… uh, nobody does anything wrong, and so there's no conflict.
WRITER 4: Thought you had a pitch!
OVERTHINKING WRITER: [re-entering the room] What are the stakes?
SHAE: Does anybody other than me wanna tell this guy why that's a bad idea?
WRITER 4: I don't… think he's gotten to the idea.
[the writer with the broken leg opens the door and re-enters again]
BROKEN-LEG WRITER: Uh… yeah, we don't… Did we hear the idea?
GOOD_E: Oh no, the idea is that there is no conflict, that everyone gets along and everyone does the right thing!
HEAD WRITER: In the whole script?
GOOD_E: Yeah, the whole script. Everyone does the—
BROKEN-LEG WRITER: What is this, your first day in Holowood? Great idea, genius.
GOOD_E: It is my first day.
WRITER 5: Someone needs to break that watch's spirit.
GOOD_E: What?
HEAD WRITER: Hold on a second. So—so you're suggesting that the florist… just sells flowers?
GOOD_E: Yeah. Instead of… it says here that you guys have her keeping a secret for the first act.
HEAD WRITER: So it turns out there's no murder at all, then?
GOOD_E: No, I hope not.
BROKEN-LEG WRITER: There's just… scenes of people buying flowers?
GOOD_E: Sounds pretty good to me.
WRITER 4: This sounds like something my mother, my aunt, my sister, and my silly dad would like! And all my stupid neighbors! All of them would love this because nothing's happened. Oh, and my nephew would love it and he's stupid!
HEAD WRITER: Okay, you want to write a movie that people go see to relax?
OVERTHINKING WRITER: Yeah, you're trying to get a bunch of people to just go to the…
WRITER 4: What, you want everyone to go to it?
HEAD WRITER: [shouting] Hey, hey, this guy wants to write a family-friendly blockbuster over here!
[a distant crowd laughs uproariously]
OVERTHINKING WRITER: [laughing] Family-friendly!
SHAE: But… if not GOOD_E's idea to make a feature that has a mass appeal, who do you wish to appeal to?
[writers mumble]
BROKEN-LEG WRITER: We're trying to win B'Boskars over here.
SHAE: Wouldn't you all rather just sell out and make a bunch of kroon?
GOOD_E: And do the right thing?
WRITER 4: Now that's a movie title.
OVERTHINKING WRITER: That’s a good title.
GOOD_E: Do the Right Thing?
BROKEN-LEG WRITER: No, no, Sell Out and Make a Bunch of Kroon. What a title!
GOOD_E: Oh, okay.
[transition: romantic, melancholy orchestral score]
[Old Holowood score distorts into noise. When the noise settles back into music it is a different tune, but simple and soothing, like a baby's mobile.]
MONICA KASSU: Victory is within our grasp! I haven't felt hope like this since the last of the Behbeh refugees narrowly escaped an enormous Armedian Destroyer, almost exactly 100 years ago. [sneezes] It was on that day I became Queen of the Behbehs, and I swore I would make the Monarchy pay for what they did to our people! [shakes her rattle]
We all contribute different things to the Council. General Trink—you bring military genius, of course. Arcuri brings his expertise in taxation and economics. And Joey brings the lovable charm and comic relief only a dimwitted failed actor can provide.
And although I am the oldest member of the Rebel Council, I like to think I bring a childlike innocence to the dynamic between us. That is why I decorated our rebel hideout with mobiles and white noise machines, [giggles] and have instituted mandatory books and naps every two and a half hours whether the rebels need them or not.
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[the royal nursery door opens]
NANNY: Oh no, Your Majesty, there's yogurt everywhere!! Why did you throw it on the walls?!
KASSU: I want to! I can! I will! I'm rrrrroyalty!
NANNY: [patronizingly] Of course you are. Let's get you in the bath.
KASSU: I'm going to make it hard for you!!!
[sound of running water]
KASSU: Uh-oh! Not getting in!
[static, then a distorted voice transitions into Old Holowood romantic score]
BAJANKLES: [over megaphone] Director Bleez! Bleez? Bleez? Mr Director! [megaphone off] You're never gonna believe who I found. Look at this guy: the perfect stunt double for LaCraine LaCrosse! The picture is saved! Huh?
BLEEZ: Eh… Hello? Uh… it doesn’t…
ZAPZOP: [uncomfortable] Um, hi. Yeah, listen, if you're not into it, I don't have to be into it either. I got dragged here.
BLEEZ: Would you pardon us one second, Mr. Whoever?
ZAPZOP: Uh… yeah, sure.
[Bleez and Bajankles begin an aside]
BLEEZ: Uh… He's much shorter than LaCraine.
BAJANKLES: Yes. Absolutely.
BLEEZ: Different color hair.
BAJANKLES: Yeah. One hundred percent.
BLEEZ: Different gait.
BAJANKLES: Yeah.
BLEEZ: Different number of ears.
BAJANKLES: Yeah, de—yeah. LaCraine has three ears. But watch it when I throw this wrench at his legs.
[Bajankles winds up and throws a wrench at ZapZop]
ZAPZOP: Front flip! What the heck are you doing over there?
BLEEZ: Ohhhhh, goodness. You're in the picture!
ZAPZOP: I didn't even ask to be in the picture. What are you talking about?
BLEEZ: And that's why you're perfect! [pats ZapZop] LaCraine LaCrosse has not even been in his own films for years. We can barely get him on the set.
BAJANKLES: Sir, LaCraine LaCrosse is suffering from…
BAJANKLES & BLEEZ: [simultaneously] Exhaustion.
BLEEZ: Caused by alcohol.
BOTH: Yes.
BAJANKLES: By excessive amounts of alcohol.
BLEEZ: Yes.
ZAPZOP: Okay, listen, I've got some important business to attend to, so if—if you’ll just…
BLEEZ: Yes, you do.
BAJANKLES: Let me put the hat on.
ZAPZOP: What is this hat? What's going on here?
[they put the hat on ZapZop]
BLEEZ: Okay. [sighs happily] Oh, my rodd.
BAJANKLES: Honestly, the hat really does a lot of the work. We call it LaCraine LaHat. [laughs insincerely] Some Holowood humor.
BLEEZ: Yes.
ZAPZOP: I don't know if I get it.
[A car drives up and a starlet gets out.]
MARLIN FORFOR: LaCraine, is that you? It's me, Marlin Forfor.
BAJANKLES: How about that? You get to smooch with Marlin Forfor. Not bad.
ZAPZOP: Yeah, listen, I've sworn an oath that I'm—I’m not supposed to…
BAJANKLES: Well, you're on studio property, buddy, and if you don't do what we say, you could be executed. That's the studio system.
ZAPZOP: Oh. Wow. Okay.
BAJANKLES: That's the studio system!
MARLIN FORFOR: Well, I'm going back to the tank because I'm half fish.
[Marlin galumphs back to her tank]
ZAPZOP: Okay. What kind of—
BLEEZ: Yes, you are. Yes, you are, my darling.
ZAPZOP: What kind of picture is this?
BLEEZ: It's called The Sound of Water.
ZAPZOP: Sound of Water?
BLEEZ: And LaCraine Lacrosse is the architect who falls in love with the half-fish.
BAJANKLES: Yeah, it's about a florist, and uh… and uh… they're still workin’ a lot of it out, but, uh…
ZAPZOP: But you know there's a half-fish person in it?
BAJANKLES: Well, yeah.
ZAPZOP: You got a script or something I can look at?
BAJANKLES: Well, we're still working on pages. These are what we've got so far. [paper crackling]
ZAPZOP: These are receipts from a soup restaurant, it seems.
BAJANKLES: Other side, other side.
ZAPZOP: [flipping through papers] Oh, okay.
BLEEZ: And everyone, roll sound.
ZAPZOP: Oh, sorry. What—ah, what's happening?
BAJANKLES: [megaphone] We're rolling sound, people! [screaming] Room tone. Quiet for room tone!
ZAPZOP: Hey, you can't—don't take that. I need those robes, okay? So—and that st—be careful with that stick, alright? That's a wood saber. Don't—
ASSISTANT CAMERA: Slate!
BLEEZ: Let me get the cue cards up and… Action, whoever you are!
ZAPZOP: Uh—uh… [reads in a monotone] Boy, it'd be nice to meet somebody, but I'm just too busy with my architecture job and my two adorable children. [out of "character"] Y-you sure you want me to say these lines? Like, aren't I the stunt double?
BLEEZ: And cut. Perfect! Alright, we're turning around.
[another person on set says "Cutting sound!" and a bell rings]
ZAPZOP: [stammering] Wha—wh… Sorry, what? I… listen, I'm on a sacred mission here. I'd love to just skedaddle…
BLEEZ: Aren't we all, fake LaCraine, aren't we all? [claps him on the back]
ZAPZOP: My name is ZapZop.
BLEEZ: Oh, you're ZapZop? I am pleased. With a name like this, you could be a director.
ZAPZOP: I'm not interested in the whole studio system, okay? I'm just…
BLEEZ: [into a walkie] Somebody chain up ZapZop between these takes. He seems like a runner.
[beep, voice over walkie says "Copy on chains!"]
ZAPZOP: Okay, uh, no need to do that. Um…
BAJANKLES: Welcome to Holowood, babyyy!
BLEEZ: Welcome.
BAJANKLES: [megaphone] Where are my orses? Where are my orses?
MORGUE BOT 3: I have successfully put all of this shit back onto the orses.
BAJANKLES: Wait, what? [off megaphone] What the juck? We're gettin’ the shit off the orses!
BLEEZ: Can you believe we were worried about robots taking our jobs? They can't even shovel shit the right direction.
BAJANKLES: Bleez, I am so sorry. [to the morgue bot] Go back there and take the shit off the orses.
MORGUE BOT 3: [trundling away in shame] Understood.
[Marlin's tank is wheeled over. It has a squeaky wheel but the airstone is bubbling enthusiastically.]
MARLIN: Are you ready for my line?
BAJANKLES: No, Marlin, we're not rea—stay in the tank.
MARLIN: Okay.
[transition: dramatic, ominous Old Holowood score plays]
DERF: [singing to himself, chopping] ♪ Choppin' this cheese, choppin' up cheese, choppin' up cheese, makin' it smaller, Smaller cheese is better cheese. Feeds more actors. Actors are happy. ♪
DERF: Ha! This is fun.
BARGIE: Hey, can I tell you something?
DERF: Yes, please.
BARGIE: Even though we just met, I feel like I can open up to you and be honest, you know?
DERF: I feel very close to you, despite the fact that we're different in almost every single way.
BARGIE: Well, I've never told anyone this before, but I've—I’ve always wanted to be… an actor!
DERF: What? And give up all of this serving food to people who hate you? [pause] Ah, I'm just kidding. Of course you'll—you could be an actor. Easy.
BARGIE: But how?
DERF: You're right here! You just go out there and lie. You just lie. Lie almost constantly. And that's how you become a star.
BARGIE: Lie? I thought it's about r-reading lines, and being a character, and having a certain point of view!
DERF: You can't have lines without having lies. It's right in the beginning of the word. So, like, we could—we're sort of acting right now. I'm acting like I know what I'm doing, and that I'm not just putting little different dyes in the same hummus to make it different colors. [Derf squeezes hard on a bottle to get the last of the dye out. The dye makes a wet farting noise.]
BARGIE: Oh!
DERF: That's why there's a rainbow of dips here.
BARGIE: Well, I—I don't think I could ever be an actor. I mean, I wish I could, but I never—
DERF: Of course you could! Of course you could.
BARGIE: [querulously] I-I-I-I-I've never lied before!
DERF: What?! You've never lied before? It's easy to lie. You just say what you're thinking and you don't care about the consequences.
MARLIN'S PA: Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
DERF: Yes. Yes.
BARGIE: Yeah?
MARLIN'S PA: I'm Ms. ForFor's personal assistant. She has severe dietary issues. And—
DERF: No problem.
MARLIN'S PA: I just wanna make sure that this box is actually hers. I need you to tell me, one hundred percent.
DERF: Yep. It's hers. It had her name on it a second ago.
MARLIN'S PA: Okay. Are you sure? You're not messing with me?
DERF: Rodd be with you, that's the box. I would never mess with you. One hundred percent guaranteed.
MARLIN'S PA: Her food allergies are severe!
DERF: Her feet allergies?
MARLIN'S PA: Food! She doesn't have feet. She has a tail. [whispering] She's part fish.
DERF: No judgment. Go be…
MARLIN'S PA: Okay.
DERF: Go be whatever you want. And that's—that’s probably it. So good… good luck.
MARLIN'S PA: [hurrying away] Okay, thank you, thank you! Thank you!
BARGIE: Have a good blessed day! [the hatch shuts] Was that a lie?
DERF: Bargie, that was all lies. That was all lies.
BARGIE: What?! Why?!
[Derf resumes adding different dyes to the hummus. All the bottles are nearly out of dye.]
DERF: None of that was true!
BARGIE: How did you do it?! I couldn't tell! [pause] Hey, Derf?
DERF: Yes?
BARGIE: Can you… can you teach me how to lie?
DERF: Teach you how to lie?
BARGIE: I've only ever told the truth. Like how much I love everyone I ever meet. [laughs endearingly]
DERF: Uh… alright, if you wanna learn to lie, let's take it from the top. So, what's your name?
BARGIE: Bargie.
DERF: And lie. No? No, no. So what you wanna do is lie. So I'm gonna say, "what's your name?" And you tell me something that's not your name. Ready?
BARGIE: Bargarean Jade.
DERF: Hey. Nope. Just wait. Just give me a sec. I'll ask the question, and you say the not-truth. Don't say the truth. Say something—anything. Could be anything that's just not true. Ready? Hey, what's your name?
BARGIE: Not Bargie.
DERF: That's too close. You can't… you can’t have the truth be right after the lie part. You have to just fully lie. No truth. [pause] No truth at all. Ready? Ready? What's your name?
BARGIE: Barzy.
DERF: Darcy?
[Bargie makes a small frustrated sound]
DERF: Did you say Darcy?
BARGIE: [crosstalk] Bars… Barsie.
DERF: Or did you say Bargie but a little quieter? ‘Cause lying isn't just quietly saying the truth. You have to—you have to loudly just say something else.
BARGIE: [quickly] Uh, let’s do another one, let’s do another one, let’s do another one.
DERF: Another one that's not your name?
BARGIE: Yeah. Another prompt.
DERF: I mean, you haven't successfully lied about the first one. But I appreciate you wanna just try to go into a different direction.
BARGIE: Let's go.
DERF: Okay. Let's see, um… Where are you from?
BARGIE: Space. [pauses, and then panics] Uh, uhh, Ohiostan.
DERF: Nope. [laughing] No, no. So you started with a lie, and then you panicked and said… not a lie. You just say the lie! Or you can say the truth in your head. That's actually helpful. If you say the truth in your head and say the opposite in your mouth. Ready?
BARGIE: Okay.
DERF: Where are you from?
[the sounds of Bargie struggling to produce a lie, and then steam]
DERF: What? It's good, there's steam coming out of your vents. That's good. That's good. It means there's a lie cookin’.
BARGIE: Kitchen.
DERF: Huh?
BARGIE: Kitchen.
DERF: Kitchen? [laughing] That's good. That's good. That’s good! Now we gotta put the—where the rubber meets the road. There's gonna be people comin’ up and you gotta lie to them, okay?
BARGIE: Okay.
DERF: You already nailed it when you said you're from Kitchen. You said you're from Kitchen! That's a lie!
[hatch opens]
COFFEE DRINKER: Uh… hi, hello. Um, could I just get a cup of coffee and definitely not a cup of gas?
BARGIE: [awkwardly] I… have… coffee. I am not a ship. My name is… Darf.
DERF: Stay—stay on target. You don’t—Just one lie at a time.
[stifled laughter]
DERF: One at a time. You don't need to lie about everything. Just one.
COFFEE DRINKER: Alright, sure. I'll just, uh… I’ll take a cup of coffee.
BARGIE: Alright, here it goes…
COFFEE DRINKER: Thank you.
[mechanical sounds, "coffee" pouring]
COFFEE DRINKER: [splutters, gags, and spits out the coffee]
BARGIE: Heheh.
COFFEE DRINKER: Ugh! That's the worst coffee I've ever tasted!
BARGIE: Ah—
DERF: Sorry, it's Zenk coffee. Get outta here. Go back to your job.
COFFEE DRINKER: Ah, you're right.
[fire alarm sounds]
GUY WHO POINTS OUT FIRES: Hey, hey, everybody. The generator's on fire. Where's the fire extinguisher?
BARGIE: [slightly stilted] I have one. I have the fire extinguisher on me, because I am very… I have it.
DERF: Here's the other thing, Bargie. You don't need to get so creative. Just stay—
GUY WHO POINTS OUT FIRES: Well, can you give it to me or…?
DERF: Just say the first thing. You don't need it—it's not a story. It's just a lie.
GUY WHO POINTS OUT FIRES: Oh, the fire's spreading to the scenery!
BARGIE: Would you like to have some of the fire extinguisher that I definitely have?
GUY WHO POINTS OUT FIRES: Yes! Yes!!
[person screaming in the background]
[sound of liquid dumping out]
COFFEE DRINKER: It burns! Oh, it's gas!
GUY WHO POINTS OUT FIRES: Oh!
[transition: gentle Old Holowood score plays, with strings and soft vibraphone]
SHAE: [typing] Okay, okay. So, in the next scene, to get revenge, the florist tries to kill the architect by poisoning a batch of brownies, and the architect dies on the steps… [key clicks] of his brownstone after setting fire to the flower shop. Okay. And GOOD_E, if you were to process that?
GOOD_E: Oh, they just… tell each other plainly what they need from the other person, and, uh apologize if necessary and then move on. And so we would actually cut the brownies and they would just have, I think, a pleasant afternoon.
WRITER 4: Smaller brownie—hm?
BROKEN-LEG WRITER: Maybe the knife could snag on one of the brownies?
SHAE: No, no, no! No, no, see, that's too good. That's too good of a payoff. We want this to be lower stakes.
HEAD WRITER: Let me see if I'm understanding this. [The head writer uncaps the marker and summarizes on the whiteboard]
Act One: The florist, who is half fish, moves to the big city and opens up a flower shop across the street from the architect's office.
Act Two: They meet. The florist is single. The architect, single.
Act Three: The girl's a great baker. She makes brownies. They cut perfectly. No snags. End of story. Is that right?
SHAE: Yep.
GOOD_E: It's just pleasant.
WRITER 4: It makes so much sense, ‘cause in my life, I don't want conflict. Why would I want it in my art?
GOOD_E: Yeah!
BROKEN-LEG WRITER: [thoughtfully] Yeah…
OVERTHINKING WRITER: Is there a s-s-song?
GOOD_E: Yeah, there could also be a song. I mean, there's no wrong ideas. There's just morally wrong ideas.
BROKEN-LEG WRITER: No… wrong ideas?
OVERTHINKING WRITER: Boss, I just put this through the focus group that we keep in the basement, and they seem to really like it.
HEAD WRITER: You know what? Maybe the goal we've been working towards is perfectly balanced drama, intense character studies.
WRITER 4: Seventh act reversal?
SHAE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't wanna make art. You wanna make KROON. Say it with me:
ALL WRITERS AND SHAE: [not quite in sync] You don't wanna make art. You wanna make—
[Bajankles enters dramatically, slamming the door and walking across the room]
BAJANKLES: [megaphone] Everybody stop the work! Stop the work! [megaphone off] Marlin Forfor is dead! Scrap everything. The script's out the window. We can't shoot it now. The lead actress is dead! What are we gonna do?!
[Bajankles exits just as dramatically]
BROKEN-LEG WRITER: Okay, okay. What if we replace the lead actress with a cuddly CGI character?
[brief silence]
SHAE: Okay, now that's a step too far for kroon.
BROKEN-LEG WRITER: I thought there were no bad ideas.
GOOD_E: There’s no wrong…
SHAE: No, there are no wrong ideas.
GOOD_E: But there are bad ideas.
[background laughter]
WRITER WITH A BROKEN LEG: Okay. Yeah—okay. I—I get—I think I get it, actually, yeah.
[transition: Old Holowood orchestral score plays, the same tune we’ve heard in clips of old Bargie films]
BLEEZ: Oh my goodness. The picture is ruined. We has nothing. How can we proceed? Oh yes, we found this perfect replacement for my drunken star. But now, my beautiful half-fish is dead.
BAJANKLES: Let's get you to Crafty, sir. Let's get you to Crafty.
[they begin walking]
BLEEZ: It's over! I should have never stopped directing industrials.
BAJANKLES: …Excuse me? [laugh]
DERF: Hey, sad man, would you like a sausage twist?
[Bajankles and Bleez enter the ship]
BLEEZ: Yes. Stuff the sausage twist in my mouth, why not?
DERF: Fresh out the microwave.
[Derf pulls out the sizzling twist]
BAJANKLES: Alright, we're going to get down to the bottom of this. Miss Forfor is dead because she ate something from this Crafty spot. And I'm here with the director, Bleez, and we're gonna get to the bottom of it. Believe you me, heads will roll!
DERF: Hey, I'm sorry. We just make the food. We don't put it in their mouths. So, you know…
BARGIE: No, yeah, we're just here to enjoy life and look at this beautiful holo-making experience.
BLEEZ: It is over! Everything is ov—Wait a second.
DERF: Yes?
BLEEZ: What is this angel voice I hear?
DERF: That's me, Derf. Are you talking about Derf? Right here, me?
BLEEZ: No, scraggly man, step aside.
DERF: Okay. Backflip. [Derf backflips]
BARGIE: I'm just going to sing a song to myself. ♪ Bargie's feeling happy. Bargie's in the sky. ♪
BAJANKLES: Why am I crying?
[Bleez sighs, impressed]
BARGIE: ♪ Bargie's feeling happy. She's never gonna die. ♪
BLEEZ: It's so beautiful.
BARGIE: ♪ The stars are shining for Bargie. ♪
DERF: That's—that’s nice.
BARGIE: ♪ The ocean's feelin’ hot. When Bargie's feelin’ happy, together we are not. ♪
BLEEZ: Lot Boss, are you feeling what I am feeling? [pats his back]
BAJANKLES: I've never felt this before in my life. I've only felt anger and repulsion.
BLEEZ: Just moments ago I was in the depths of my sadness, but now… gleaming, this green ship is… You… [dramatic pause for effect] are a star.
BARGIE: Wait, wait.
BLEEZ: Tell me, angel, what is your name?
BARGIE: Oh, I'm no angel. I'm just a ship. My name is Bargie, short for Bargarean Jade. I-I just work Craft Services, is-is all.
BLEEZ: Oh, my goodness. Is like looking at a baby before it is born.
BAJANKLES & BARGIE: What?
DERF: Hm, yucky.
BARGIE: Yikes.
[Derf and Bajankles chuckle uncomfortably]
DERF: What a weird thing to say.
[Bargie makes an "ugh" sound]
BLEEZ: Sort of came out wrong, but I think you know what I mean.
BAJANKLES: Yeah, well, okay, anyway, be that as it may… Kid, you're in the picture.
BARGIE: Wait, what?
BAJANKLES: We're gonna have to do a rewrite. It's no longer called The Sound of Water. What are we gonna call it? Uh… Ships in Bloom, something like that.
BLEEZ: Perfect. [into walkie] Lorenzo, get your widest lens!
LORENZO: [through walkie] Copy!
BARGIE: Wait, wait, wait, I've never acted before, I—this is—this is crazy!
BAJANKLES: Wait, so you've never—you've never actually acted before? Wait…
BARGIE: Never once.
BLEEZ: Oh…
BAJANKLES: Ugh…
[the two start walking away]
BLEEZ: Never mind.
BARGIE: What?
BLEEZ: The picture is ruined again!
[Bleez exits, his hopes dashed.]
[hatch shuts]
DERF: Bargie, remember what we talked about?
BARGIE: Oh. That your best days are always behind you?
DERF: No, no. Nope. The other one.
BARGIE: That for some reason all my dreams have me exploding at the end?
DERF: That's weird, but not relevant. No.
BARGIE: That water with cayenne pepper is basically gasoline?
DERF: That's true, but go—go with the other one.
BARGIE: That you found an extra wart that was inside of your anal cavity?
DERF: That was a, uh, mole, and it floated out like a hot air balloon. But no, the basic lesson.
BARGIE: Oh, to lie! [pause] But I don't know if I can lie here. The consequences are so huge, it might change the trajectory of my life!
DERF: Bargie, listen to me. Slap! [Derf hits one of Bargie's panels] You have to! Now's your shot.
BARGIE: Ow! That didn't do anything. You're so tiny.
DERF: Huh? When do people slap each other in movies, they're not trying to hurt ‘em. They're friends, or lovers, and they're just trying to say, "Wait a second, pay attention." It's a big moment. And in the big moments like this, you have to rise up, take the mantle that's placed before you, achieve your destiny, and lie like you've never lied before. That's what we all do. Now get out there and lie again; just one big lie, not a lot of little ones or not a truth quietly.
[scene changes to outside, where Bleez and Bajankles are walking back towards the set]
BAJANKLES: Well, Bleez, I guess we better go maybe try to find a whole fish to do it. I don't know.
BLEEZ: Yes, something.
BARGIE: Wait. Wait!
BAJANKLES: Huh?
BLEEZ: Huh?
BARGIE: My name is Bargarean Jade, and I'm an actor.
BAJANKLES: Wait, but you just told us you weren't an actor!
BARGIE: [dramatically] I've been acting since the day I was born. In the streets of… [long pause] Kitchen.
BAJANKLES: Whoa! You've acted in Kitchen?
BLEEZ: You're from Kitchen?
BAJANKLES: Good rodd!
BLEEZ: That's one of the most famed acting troupes in all of the galaxy.
BAJANKLES: Yeah. We didn't know you were from Kitchen. Yeah, that's just like—
BLEEZ: Oh, my goodness.
BAJANKLES: Jimn Jimnerrar was… He founded Kitchen.
BLEEZ: Yeah. Do you know Ramon Fuinte?
BARGIE: That's my roommate!
BAJANKLES: Whoa!
BLEEZ: Ohohoho, my goodness. Sorry, Whole-fish-we-would-have-found. You're not in the movie.
BAJANKLES: Alright, kid. Get in makeup.
[hatch opens, Derf exits Bargie, orchestral score begins to slowly fade in]
DERF: Good luck, Bargie. We did something important here: killed the bright spirit you had and left behind a dusty old professional. Good luck.
BARGIE: I'll never forget you, Derf! I'll always be grateful for youuuu! And we'll definitely acknowledge our relationship in the future!
[transition: Old Holowood orchestral score builds to a dramatic climax. This particular piece of music has played in Mission to Zyxx before, in the first act of episode 112]
LORENZO: Sound speed!
BLEEZ: Alright, everyone. This is the big one. This is the climactic scene. This is why we all came to Holowood in the first place, is for this moment.
ZAPZOP: That's—that’s not why I came to Holowood, but…
BLEEZ: Okay.
BAJANKLES: Alright. Ships in Bloom, Act 11, Scene 27. Take One.
[click of button]
BLEEZ: [whispers] Action.
ZAPZOP: [without any emoting whatsoever] What can I do to make it up to ya? I know I'm just a humble space architect. Do you want the moon, Bargie?
BARGIE: [also woodenly] If you get me the moon, I'll let you enter my hatch.
ZAPZOP: Are those her lines?
BLEEZ: Yes, yes, yes.
ZAPZOP: Okay, just—just making sure.
BLEEZ: The writers have won B'Boskars. Go, go.
ZAPZOP: Yeah, I just haven't seen the pages.
BLEEZ: No one has.
ZAPZOP: Okay. Um…
BAJANKLES: [megaphone] Let her cook, boy.
ZAPZOP: Alright, then. Initiating space lasso protocol.
BARGIE: Oh, you darling boy, get in here. Get in here!
[Bargie has found her inspiration and is getting into the scene. ZapZop is still completely flat.]
ZAPZOP: Bargie, you won't regret it.
BARGIE: Oh, I love you so much. I love you.
ZAPZOP: I love you, too.
BARGIE: I love you.
ZAPZOP: I love you. [metallic sound as he awkwardly pats Bargie’s hull]
[Bargie continues to say "I love you", but it becomes less intelligible every time.]
BLEEZ: Cut.
SOUND ENGINEER: Cut sound!
ZAPZOP: Is that okay, Bleez?
BLEEZ: We got it in one. We got it in one, rodddamn it! This is a wrap, everyone. We did it.
[the cast and crew begin to applaud]
GOOD_E: Wow! Isn't it amazing to see our words come to life?
SHAE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Words are beautiful but… royalties? Now that's something I think sounds pret-ty good.
BARGIE: Wow. An honor. Thank you, everybody! Wow!
LACRAINE LACROSSE: [drunkenly] It’s not a… It's not a wrap until LaCraine LaCrosse says it's a wrap.
[LaCraine vomits on the set.]
TINY PA: It's LaCraine LaCrosse!
BLEEZ: LaCraine—you—
LACRAINE: Who's exhausted now? Did an exhausted guy drive his car through the set?
TINY PA: He's driving his car through the set!
ZAPZOP: Oh, my rodd!
BARGIE: Whoa, whoa, watch out!
ZAPZOP: Front flip.
[Everyone screams and rushes to jump out of LaCraine's way.]
DERF: Hey, everyone, just thought I'd bring down some hummus bites. Week-old hummus bites, anybody?
LACRAINE: [honking, revving engine] Coming through!
[car hits Derf, Derf yells, the car crashes, car alarm starts blaring]
GAFFER: Oh, no, LaCraine LaCrosse just ran over the Crafty guy!
BIT PLAYER: Oh, no, the hummus bites!
[LaCraine's car explodes]
BLEEZ: Oof.
BAJANKLES: What the—
MORGUE BOT 3: I am happy to inform you that I have finally done my job. The shit is now back in the orses.
[Bajankles is disgusted]
BLEEZ: Wait a second, you got the shit back in the orses?
MORGUE BOT 3: It was a difficult job, but I managed it.
BLEEZ: No one's ever done this. You know what? Let me see that script after all.
MORGUE BOT 3: [printing off the script] It is packed with jokes, not unlike an orse packed with shit.
BLEEZ: [walking away] Okay, never mind.
MORGUE BOT 3: Oh, no. Ahhh…
BLEEZ: No, no, I've seen enough.
[End credits roll. The Young Old Derf theme plays]
[the theme fades back into Derf’s recording]
DERMATOLOGIST: Oh boy, we got a lot of results on these moles.
DERF: Oh, uh, you've tested all of the moles?
DERMATOLOGIST: Yes.
DERF: The ones I sent in that little baggie that I gave you?
DERMATOLOGIST: Don't ever bring ‘em in a baggie again. We—
DERF: Oh, what, do I put ‘em in a little precious box? I don't know. It just came off.
DERMATOLOGIST: [annoyed] Yes. Anyway, mole number one looks pretty good. We're gonna watch it.
DERF: I did—right, I did number them for ease, because I'm taking notes here.
DERMATOLOGIST: That, I thank you for. Mole number two: looking okay, but we're going to keep an eye on it. Mole number thr—
DERF: I mean, if it's already off my body, what's the danger for me?
DERMATOLOGIST: Well, anything can happen. Mole number three: looking okay, but we're gonna watch it.
DERF: Yeah, but does a mole ever come back and like, want revenge on me? Like it's getting back on my skin?
DERMATOLOGIST: Never before, but I wouldn't count ‘em out. Gotta keep an eye on ‘em. I mean, gosh. Number six, lookin’ okay. Gotta keep an eye on it.
DERF: Do dermatologists ever say, "You know what? We're done keeping an eye on it. It's fine."
DERMATOLOGIST: Nope. Turn around. Oh, wow. We missed one. And—and this one we're going to keep an eye on.
DERF: How many moles are you watching at any time?
DERMATOLOGIST: I actually know this. I actually know. Let me look this up.
DERF: [laughing] Really? I—
DERMATOLOGIST: Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we have to know this. [shuffling through papers] Ah, it's classified.
DERF: Classified. Wow. High stakes.
DERMATOLOGIST: Yeah. Have you had any floaters anymore? The floaters out of the butt are the ones we're really—we’re really worried about.
DERF: Oh, the butthole? Well, let me ask you about that, um, actually.
DERMATOLOGIST: Lone ballooners.
DERF: Do I have a lot of moles inside my body? ‘Cause that one came out. Like, is there a strategic reserve?
DERMATOLOGIST: You have no—no more than average.
DERF: Okay, cryptic.
DERMATOLOGIST: And rest assured, we're gonna keep an eye on ‘em.
DERF: Okay, great. Thank you.
DERMATOLOGIST: The only thing I have left to say is that since our last visit, I am now out of network.
DERF: Oh, no! Oh, no!
DERMATOLOGIST: Yep. Yep.
[The Young Old Derf theme, and the credits, resume]
TH-33-ND: This is TH-33-ND, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol.
Young Derf and Old Derf were played by Justin Tyler.
Shae was played by Allie Kokesh.
GOOD_E the ethics anklet, Steve Bajankles (the director of the lot) and LaCraine Lacrosse were played by Winston Noel.
Zima Master ZapZop and the writer who breaks his leg were played by Jeremy Bent.
Morgue Bot #3 and the head writer were played by Alden Ford.
Bleez the film director and Twinkle were played by Seth Lind.
The one and only Bargarean Jade from Ohiostan was played by Moujan Zolfaghari! … who also played the tiny PA, Marlin Forfor the half-fish actress, and Monica Kassu, Queen of the Behbehs.
This episode was edited by Seth Lind and Alden Ford, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.
Old Holowood transition music by Brendan Ryan.
Theme song also by Brendan Ryan, performed by Brendan Ryan, Shane O'Connell, Adam Minkoff and Jay Faires.
The Young Old Derf Chronicles is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.
[theme music plays and fades out]
[Promo: TV Chef Fantasy League]
MIKE: Hey, it's TV Chef Fantasy League. You know, the podcast where we watch cooking competition shows and we treat them like fantasy sports.
IFY: Right now, we're getting ready for Top Chef Carolinas.
SIERRA: We spend all year covering these competitions, but now it's time for the main event.
MIKE: The apex predator of competitive cooking television shows.
IFY: Tune in, draft a team, and play along.
SIERRA: With your hosts, Sierra Katow.
MIKE: Mike Cabellon.
IFY: And Ify Nwadiwe.
SIERRA: New episodes every week at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.
[Promo: Wonderful!]
GRIFFIN: Wonderful! is a podcast where we talk about things we like. That's hard to sell in a promo like this, so we've enlisted the help of piano rock superstar Billy Joel to tell you about some of the topics we've covered. Take it away, Real Billy Joel.
"REAL BILLY JOEL": [to the tune of We Didn't Start the Fire] ♪ Teddy Ruxpin, Auld Lang Syne, Warsan Shire, Circle Time, Sega Dreamcast, Cesar Salad, Tower of Hanoi, Keepy Uppy, Time Capsules, Wayne's World, Cheese Pulls, Wallace Stevens, Donkey Kong, Fun Size Almond Joy. They didn't start the podcast. Except that's not true. They did, in '22. They didn't start the podcast. No, they actually did. That was, in fact, a fib. ♪
GRIFFIN: Listen to Wonderful! every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks, Real Billy Joel.
RACHEL: [gruffly] No problem, Griffin.
Maximumfun.org: Comedy and culture. Artist owned, audience supported.
[outtake]
WINSTON: And then maybe like, maybe… the scene ends with, like, LaCraine LaCrosse, like, bursting in: [as LaCraine] "I'm fine!" Y’know, like—
SETH: [laughing] Yeah.
ALDEN: "Roll camera."
ALLIE: Yes! Yes!
WINSTON: "Roll! Sound speed!"
ALLIE: Wait! Can—can he stumble in very drunk and that's what causes Derf to die? Like he runs into something, and—
ALDEN: Oh, he hits him with a—this, like, Cadillac?
WINSTON: Like a light? A light?
ALLIE: Yes.
SETH: Or just a—like a—a bunch of—
WINSTON: [indistinct, laughing] No, I think—drives onto the s…
[everyone laughing]
ALLIE: I love that. Drives onto the set, runs over Derf and is like, "Let's go!"
MOUJAN: Oh, that's great.
JEREMY: "I HAVE returned!" Yeah.