L06: Crank the Dehumidifier [LIVE ft. Jon Gabrus]
In this special Season 2 era episode, we return to a more innocent time – before the Planet Crushers were crushed, when little Beano was still wuvving life.
The crew heads to the very polite planet NOSH to secure funding for the Rebellion against the Federated Alliance. C-53 reveals an experiment in progress. Dar gets sandy. Beano know the biz.
With guest Jon Gabrus
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Sunday, July 29, 2018 at Dynasty Typewriter at the Hayworth in Los Angeles
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season two era
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C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, strap in for this special stage performance of Mission to Zyxx, recorded live at Dynasty Typewriter at the Hayworth in Los Angeles, with amazing returning guest John Gabrus. This is a season 2 era episode, before the Rebellion was destroyed, before the planet crushers were crushed, and before Beano, well, you know. Season 3 will continue next week.
ALDEN: Hey guys! Hey! Yeah! Holy shit! What a great crowd. Thank you so much for coming. This is amazing, it's great to see you, it's great to be in LA. We are super excited to be here. We have an extra special guest tonight, so excited to bring him back. Please welcome out John Gabrus! Let's do a show, right?
ALLIE: Yeah.
ALDEN: You guys ready?
NARRATOR: It is a period of civil war. The rebellion against the sinister and corrupt Federated Alliance grows stronger, and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance. Now, Rebel Emissary Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx.
PLECK: Hey, uh, Bargie?
BARGIE: Yeah? I'm not having a good day.
PLECK: Oh, I'm sorry, why?
BARGIE: I didn't get cloud number seven.
PLECK: Cloud number seven?
BARGIE: The part. Cloud number seven. I sent it myself, taped, I didn't hear back, and then I look on Holo-news, and Ja-Jane Ja-Jane got cloud number seven.
C-53: Oh man.
BARGIE: And you know what Ja-Jane, Ja-Jane is?
PLECK: A cloud?
BARGIE: Yeah.
PLECK: See, that's the thing, Bargie, I think you-
C-53: You can't blame them for casting you.
BEANO: Beano, Beano love typecasting.
PLECK: No, that's not- Beano-
C-53: You love typecasting?
BEANO: Beano love typecasting.
PLECK: Why? Why? What is there to love about typecasting?
BEANO: Beano know that holo is a visual medium.
C-53: He has got a point about that.
PLECK: That's true, that's true, yeah.
BARGIE: Anyway, I'm not, I'm just not in the best of moods, so I apologize if I say things
PLECK: Sure.
BARGIE: That are just grumpy or offensive or whatever.
PLECK: That's fine.
C-53: That's alright Bargie.
PLECK: You know, Bargie, listen, we're here for you. We, you know, we support your career choices.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: I think you maybe need a new agent, though. You've been getting a lot of, like, distant-
BARGIE: Hold on. A new agent?
PLECK: Yeah.
BARGIE: I don't have an agent.
PLECK: Oh, that'll, yeah, that'll do.
BARGIE: Wow, kind of a-
PLECK: Sorry.
C-53: Well, that statement could remain true.
BARGIE: Makes me feel really good, okay.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: Whether you have an agent or not, you still need a new agent.
PLECK: Thank you C-53.
BARGIE: That's true.
C-53: I don't, I don't think that's what he meant, but-
PLECK: You know, it should-
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Maybe, I mean, I gotta, this sounds crazy, Bargie, but, I mean, Beano seems to know a lot about the holo industry.
C-53: You're, you're suggesting Beano become Bargie's agent?
PLECK: I mean, look, he hasn't really pulled his weight on the ship. I feel like maybe this is a chance. Maybe he could be working on something that keeps him busy, keeps him out of our hair.
BEANO: Beano take 20%.
C-53: 20%?
PLECK: That seems high, Beano.
C-53: Thats- thats high.
BEANO: Beano take 20%.
PLECK: No, why?
BEANO: Beano know.
PLECK: Okay.
BARGIE: Hey, but you wanted to ask me a question.
PLECK: I can't remember.
BARGIE:Alright.
C-53: Okay All right.
[incoming transmission beeps]
PLECK: I was just, the thing is, I was, I was looking at this control. Oh, never mind. C-53: Emissary, Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy.
PLECK: Hey.
NERMUT: Hey.
PLECK: Hey, Nermut.
NERMUT: Hey, guys.
C-53: Um.
PLECK: Hey, you're pretty chill.
C-53: Missions Operations Manager Bundaloy, are you all right?
NERMUT: Oh, I'm, like, more than all right. I, uh, we just had a rebellion meditation retreat.
PLECK: Whoa.
NERMUT: Yeah.
C-53: Okay.
NERMUT: Really, like, changed how I was thinking about stuff.
PLECK: Huh. How, how were you thinking about stuff?
NERMUT: I just, I don't know, like, I don't think of myself this way, but I realized, like, maybe I was a little, like, uptight.
C-53: You?
NERMUT: Yeah, no, I know, like, I know we all think of me as, like, a carefree guy and stuff.
DAR: Is that Nermut?
C-53: Uh yes.
DAR: Nermut Bundaloy.
NERMUT: Hey Dar.
DAR: Why did you send me so much sand?
NERMUT: Oh, so at the meditation retreat you go into this big sand bin, or other people dig in it, but I went in it, and you go in and you think about the people who are really important to you, and then you, uh-
DAR: Send them sand?
NERMUT: Yeah, and they charged a lot, so you're welcome.
DAR: I have sand in places I shouldn't have sand in. It's in all of my chutes and flaps.
PLECK: Yeah.
DAR: I can just feel little grains.
NERMUT: I mean, that might be on you for jucking the sand.
BEANO: Yeah.
PLECK: That's a good point, Dar, you probably-
BARGIE: Yeah, it's a really good point.
PLECK: I think it's sort of, I think the sand's sort of for looking at, you know?
C-53: Yeah, I think it comes in that unusually shaped bottle, so you can just sort of put it on a shelf.
DAR: The bottle is so sexual.
PLECK: Yeah, I did see the bottle-
NERMUT: Yeah you know what that's fair.
BEANO: Beano hates sand. So coarse, so rough.
PLECK: Beano.
DAR: I agree with Beano on this.
PLECK: Beano-
C-53: Where did you develop all these opinions about sand? There's no sand aboard the ship.
BEANO: Beano, know.
NERMUT: I electronic messaged you all a coupon for the retreat, you know?
PLECK: Cool yeah, cool, thanks.
C-53: Yes, we- we bounced them immediately to the spam folder.
[Nermut sighs]
PLECK: Well, listen Nermut-
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: I'm glad you're feeling chill, you know, that's good.
NERMUT: Thank you so much.
C-53: So are you just calling to sort of follow up on being relaxed, or-
NERMUT: No, I was just going to like, give you a missiooooooooooooooooooon.
C-53: Are you- are you trance droning right now, is that-
PLECK: What is this?
DAR: Is there something else you want to tell us about this retreat?
NERMUT: It- it stressed me out.
PLECK: What?
NERMUT: This is super--honestly, thank you for asking.
C-53: That sounds-
NERMUT: It was so weird. It was so weird, and I don't- I dont know what I was supposed to feel when I send somebody sand, I don't know, anyway. It was- I guess you'd call it a cult.
PLECK: A cult.
NERMUT: I went to a cult.
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: And you sent us a coupon for it.
NERMUT: I- uhh, your mission.
PLECK: Yeah, sure, yeah, give us a mission.
C-53: Yeah.
NERMUT: So, you are going to the planet Nosh.
PLECK: Ooh okay.
C-53: Okay.
NERMUT: Do you know it?
C-53: It's an extremely dignified planet, very polite society there.
NERMUT: Yeah, Absolutely, and you're going to go into the sub-cavern of the palace where the highest dignitary of Nosh resides.
C-53: Oh wow, I'm amazed we're being allowed in the sub-basement.
NERMUT: I know. So you're meeting with the High Princess of Nosh.
C-53: The High Princess?
NERMUT: Yes.
C-53: Not the regular princess?
NERMUT: No, no, no. I would have said that.
C-53: Well, sure.
NERMUT: And there should be, Bargie- you should have received a package.
BARGIE: Uhh yeah.
NERMUT: It was shipped in the same shipment as Dar's sand.
BARGIE: Yeah, I see. It's a dehumidifier.
NERMUT: Yes. You'll understand when you get there, like, You can't really get around this planet.
C-53: Yeah, no, it's- looking at it now, it's broken.
NERMUT: Uh...
C-53:It's full of sand.
NERMUT: Uh... well, I don't know what you're going to do, but you need-
C-53: Well, we have a dehumidifier.
PLECK: We traded it with Old Derf.
NERMUT: You're going to need that on the mission because it is moist.
C-53: Uh, no, no. We can't- we can't bring the dehumidifier on a mission. It's for- it’s for here on the ship.
NERMUT: You have to have it for the mission.
C-53: No, no, no. We can't bring it on a mission. That's not something-
PLECK: C-53-
C-53: That's not something we can do, okay that’s not- that’s not for missions
PLECK: Okay, C-53, calm-, okay what is going on C-53!
C-53: ALRIGHT! The dehumidifier cube slot is currently occupied by an experiment of mine. So, we can't-
DAR: [gasps] What kind of experiment?
PLECK: What!
BARGIE: What.
C-53: It cannot come on the mission. It's not ready for polite society yet.
NERMUT: Repeat after me.
C-53: Yes.
NERMUT: The.
C-53: The.
NERMUT: Dehumidifier.
C-53: Dehumidifier.
NERMUT: Is.
C-53: Is.
NERMUT: Going.
C-53: Going.
NERMUT: On.
C-53: On.
NERMUT: The.
C-53: The.
NERMUT: Mission.
C-53: No, I can't do that.
PLECK: What- okay, hold on a second. Normally, I am not the kind of person who needs to know exactly what's going on. But, C-53 what the juck is happening right now?
DAR: Yeah yeah yeah, I would say you are normally someone who ever knows what's going on.
PLECK: Okay. It's okay for me to say. It's not okay for you to say.
DAR: Hmm
C-53: I apologize in advance for hiding this from you, but um, I was conducting an experiment. I was caught by my own curiosity. Do you remember B-69-420?
DAR: Ugh. Yeah.
BARGIE: Yeah.
BEANO: Beano don't remember it. Beano need exposition.
C-53: He's very hip to industry terms.
PLECK: Yeah, he's really- I don't know what it is with Beano, but he's like--
C-53: Yeah I don't know
BEANO: Beano want you to lay some pipe.
PLECK: I don't think-
C-53: I don't-
NERMUT: I think Bargie should tell Beano the story of B-69-420 because her ducts were full of dust that whole day.
BARGIE: All right. So, it was a bot called B-69-420. You got it?
BEANO: Mm-hmm.
BARGIE: He loved to pump it.
C-53: He did love to pump it, yes.
BARGIE: He loved defecation holes.
C-53: He did.
PLECK: Sure.
DAR: Yeah.
BARGIE: And he made us full of dust.
C-53: He got us very high, yes.
BARGIE: And then he killed himself.
C-53: He tragically shot his own cube during a game of Drethian Roulette.
NERMUT: So, how could it have been retrieved? He shot himself right in the cube with an ion cannon.
C-53: Well, a cube destroyed is not necessarily a cube gone from the universe. I secretly retrieved all the fragments of that cube and I've been trying to restore the cube. It's very fragile and I needed a place to test it, so I put it in the dehumidifier. I don't know that it's ready to go out.
DAR: Bring him out. Bring him out.
BEANO: Bring him out.
C-53: Alright.
DAR: Thank you, Beano.
C-53: All right. All right. Just know that he may be very sensitive. He might not be ready for people yet, but here we go. I'll wheel him out.
[C-53 wheels out B-69-420]
C-53: B-69-420, um, how are you doing today?
B-69-420: Good morning, C-53. How are you today?
C-53: I’m- I'm doing well. And yourself?
B-69-420: You? I mean, you're welcome. I mean, please. I mean, thank you. I mean, you're welcome. I mean, please.
C-53: So I'm still struggling. Yeah, he's missing a lot of pieces of the cube.
DAR: Oh, sure. Yeah, that's evident.
C-53: But I'm making some very exciting progress.
PLECK: Well, you know, C-53, I've got to say, I'm really- I’m really glad you did this, this is-
B-69-420: [groans] Who's this jucking guy?
BARGIE: Oh, there he is. There he is.
B-69-420: I was playing dumb. Oh, it's drier than one of Dar's uppermost flaps in here. DAR: Oh, I could kiss this dehumidifier.
C-53: This, I did not see this coming.
B-69-420: No one ever sees me coming, because it's always in the corner of my… self.
PLECK: Well, you know, why don't we go on this mission?
NERMUT: Wait, can I ask what is a boring but essential question?
B-69-420: Oh, who's this jucking guy? Is this Junior Sea Captain Bumbaloid or whatever?
NERMUT: No, I'll have you know I'm not a junior anymore.
B-69-420: Oh, okay, so they let you carry your own weapon now?
NERMUT: Well, I mean if I-
B-69-420: Well uhh- well uhh- well uhh- well uhh, well uhh, please, thank you. You're welcome.
NERMUT: No I- you didnt- you- No, please, you thank...what?
C-53: Emissary Decksetter, look at how well he's roasting your ship's Operations Manager Bundaloy.
PLECK: Yeah, wow.
C-53: So I maybe have been more successful than I thought.
PLECK: Yeah, great job.
NERMUT: Okay, just...here, for the mission, I need to know, do you functionally dehumidify?
B-69-420: Oh, I can suck the moisture out of anything.
NERMUT: Okay.
B-69-420: Drain it.
NERMUT: Urgh.
C-53: Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy-
NERMUT: Yeah.
C-53: Are you okay with us bringing this dehumidifier on the mission?
NERMUT: Yeah.
DAR: Thank you, Nermut.
NERMUT: Bye.
DAR: Bye.
PLECK: See you later Nermut.
BARGIE: Goodbye.
[transition music]
SUB-PRIEST: Welcome to NOSH, specifically our sub-basement. I will present you to her Royal Highness the High Princess shortly. At first I would like, as is our custom, to present you with charcuterie.
PLECK: Oh.
C-53: Oh.Thank you, very much.
DAR: Wow, thanks so much.
SUB-PRIEST: I trust you have a dehumidifier for our climate?
C-53: Absolutely, we do.
B-69-420: Dehumidifier right here.
C-53: If he had hands, he would be making a lewd gesture, right now, just saying.
SUB-PRIEST: Ah, wonderful.
PLECK: I'm sorry, who are you?
SUB-PRIEST: I am the sub-priest to the High Princess.
PLECK: Sure, sure.
C-53: Does that mean you work in the sub-basement or you're a subordinate to another priest?
SUB-PRIEST: It's actually both.
C-53: Oh, okay. All right.
B-69-420: What do you do about the giant piece of wood that has stuck up your defecation hole?
SUB-PRIEST: I'm sorry?
B-69-420: This guy's got a stick up his defecation hole, doesn't he?
SUB-PRIEST: Do I? I mean, my species- It could happen.
C-53: Could it happen?
SUB-PRIEST: Is there a-
B-69-420: Is that on the table?
SUB-PRIEST: Well, many of us NOSHian’s have very wide, flappy defecation holes.
PLECK: Oh, no, you should not have said that out loud.
C-53: You do not- oh please-
[B-69-420 begins laughing]
PLECK: You should not have said that out loud.
SUB-PRIEST: Why not?
B-69-420: If I had hands, I'd do boxing training on them right now.
PLECK: Listen, you're just going to have to bear with us. We had a malfunction with our dehumidifier, and so this is the one we got.
DAR: And could we get a little more charcuterie here?
PLECK: Yes.
SUB-PRIEST: Oh, you've already eaten all of it, haven't you?
DAR: Oh, yeah, that talk of defecation holes did not slow me down.
C-53: Dar, it's polite to leave just a tiny bit of the charcuterie left on the plate.
DAR: I don't believe in the shy bite. I'd like a little bit more.
SUB-PRIEST: Ahahahaha, No. On NOSH you only get one nosh. That's how it works. PLECK: Sure, sure.
C-53: Sure.
SUB-PRIEST: I will take you into antechamber three, where you will wash yourself ritualistically, and then I will present you to the High Princess.
C-53: Very well.
B-69-420: Did you hear that guy walk away? It sounded like two pieces of leather kept slapping together.
SUB-PRIEST: I'm right behind you.
C-53: I mean-
B-69-420: You've got to understand, I don't have a neck or eyes.
C-53: Yeah.
B-69-420: I can't turn around and even look from the first thing. I'm going all off what you guys say to me.
PLECK: Yeah, I've got to say, B-69-420, the fact that you can pick all this information out with really only like a microphone and a humidity sensor is pretty good.
C-53: Yeah.
B-69-420: C-53 is magic.
PLECK: Oh.
C-5: I've made some modifications to the humidifier, obviously, so that's-
PLECK: Sure.
SUB-PRIEST: Welcome to the washing room. You'll notice a very wide-sprayed bidet. DAR: Don't mind if I do!
SUB-PRIEST: Oh, my. Wow.
[spraying water sounds]
DAR: If you could just get way up there, there's a lot of sand inside of me.
BIDET ASSISTANT: Whoa, that's- hm.
DAR: No, no, you really got to blast it out-
BIDET ASSISTANT: Wow.
DAR: -because I'm expecting my heat later this month and then everything is going to turn to glass. Okay,
SUB-PRIEST: We have- whoa.
PLECK: This is a very polite society for a culture that just sort of bidets together.
SUB-PRIEST: When you're entering the place of royalty, one's defecation hole must be pristine.
BIDET ASSISTANT: Pink one, your trousers?
PLECK: Sure, thank you.
BIDET ASSISTANT: And we'll just leave it on the setting that Dar asked for.
PLECK: That doesn't seem right. You know, actually, see, if you could turn and look sort of the other direction while I'm doing this because it's- your eyes are so-
DAR: I mean, even if we turn around, there are mirrors everywhere.
SUB-PRIEST: It is custom for everyone to watch at this time.
BIDET ASSISTANT: Yes.
C-53: Emissary Decksetter, my protocols will not allow me to break eye contact with you while you perform this task.
PLECK: All right, well, here we go.
[blasting]
SUB-PRIEST: And that butt is blasted.
PLECK: Is that- Is that the official-
SUB-PRIEST: What? Yes, that's the custom- that butt is blasted. I don't understand.
PLECK: I've got to say, I sort of thought B-69-420 was going to kind of be the outlier here, but I feel like this is a planet for him.
B-69-420: Please, thank you, you're welcome.
SUB-PRIEST: How polite, thank you very much.
BIDET ASSISTANT 2: Okay, please bend over.
PLECK: Okay..
SUB-PRIEST: Let the probe begin.
PLECK: Did you say probe?
[blast]
PLECK: Holy shit!
B-69-420: Wish I had eyes.
PLECK: Shorter than I thought, stronger than I thought.
B-69-420: Heard that before. Up top, I wish I had hands.
C-53: He's been asking for hands for so long.
PLECK: Do not give him hands.
C-53: I, well- obviously.
B-69-420: You know, I'll be cranking my node the second I get hands.
C-53: He's expressed a lot of interest in being able to play with his own node.
PLECK: All right, listen, subpri- you never told me your name, sub-priest.
SUB-PRIEST: Phaaaaah.
PLECK: Okay. Sub-priest Phaaaaah.
SUB-PRIEST: Emissaries, dehumidifier, I would like to introduce you to the High Princess of NOSH.
HIGH PRINCESS: Hey!
PLECK: Hello. Hi, Princess, I'm Emissary Pleck Decksetter. Thank you for setting up this meeting.
HIGH PRINCESS: That's freaking sweet.
PLECK: Oh, boy. Wow.
C-53: We are honored to stand before you.
HIGH PRINCESS: Aw, hell yeah.
B-69-420: Detecting a change in barometric pressure.
PLECK: Listen, hi, Princess. We uh- we really appreciate your offer.
HIGH PRINCESS: Show me your butts. Turn around. I don't do business without looking at the butt.
PLECK: Well, it is very clean. I'm glad you asked. Very clean.
DAR: And here you go.
C-53: Turning around.
HIGH PRINCESS: Nice, nice.
C-53: I don't have a fully formed- what you'd know as buttocks, but here is my posterior. HIGH PRINCESS: Mm, I like it.
DAR: This feels like a good time to ask again, is there more snacks?
SUB-PRIEST: No. This is our chef.
CHEF: Hello. We prepare one plate of charcuterie for visitors. I will be in the kitchen where there is no food.
C-53: They just get enough food to make one charcuterie plate each day.
HIGH PRINCESS: All right, let's talk business. Let's talk freaking sweet business.
C-53: Very well.
PLECK: Sure.
C-53: We understand you are interested in providing resources by way of Kroons for the rebellion. We'd very much like to set the terms.
HIGH PRINCESS: Well, it’s-
B-69-420: We heard you're super wet downstairs.
HIGH PRINCESS: We are so wet and it's so humid and it's freaking hot. Okay?
PLECK: Sure.
C-53: Yeah.
HIGH PRINCESS: Okay?
C-53: Do- should I turn up the dehumidifier?
HIGH PRINCESS: Yeah.
C-53: Okay.
B-69-420: Please. Thank you.
C-53: Yeah, thats-
HIGH PRINCESS: All right, that feels good. It feels like really jerkin’ sweet.
DAR: Jerkin’ sweet?
C-53: That may be a regional term.
HIGH PRINCESS: It is a regional term.
SUB-PRIEST: Yes.
B-69-420: I'm full.
C-53: I'm going to need to- I gotta empty the tank, on uh-
SUB-PRIEST: By all means.
CHEF: We have a big slop kitchen and- well uh- well, never mind. Sorry.
PLECK: Why did you-
DAR: No, no, no. Come back out, come back out.
SUB-PRIEST: I didn’t- I wasn't supposed to reveal we have a slop kitchen, uhh we do.
C-53: Okay.
SUB-PRIEST: You can dump things.
C-53: Yeah, alright. I'm just going to take this tank over.
CHEF: Don't- look at all the food.
C-53: Chef, you have a ton of food in here. Why don't you tell other people about all this food?
CHEF: We have rules about one plate. If you know there's more food, they'll come back, chest talons at me- If I reveal there's a slop kitchen, it's a secret, and now you just dump the bucket.
C-53: Okay alright, I’m dumping it.
B-69-420: I don’t have eyes, what is a slop kitchen? Is it where you make slop or is it where slop goes once it's prepared?
CHEF:It's A.
C-53: It's where you make slop?
CHEF: Yeah.
B-69-420: Okay, fair enough, yeah. I was born out of my mother's slop kitchen.
CHEF: Okay, well...
ALDEN: All right, that's our first half. We're going to take a break and get right back to it. [transition music]
SUB-PRIEST: So, you are willing to barter with the high princess for the Kroon that you require?
PLECK: Yeah, absolutely. Can I- I'm sorry. Dar, C-53, can I talk to you for just a second?
DAR: Oh, yeah, I love these huddles.
SUB-PRIEST: It's not customary to have an aside on NOSH.
PLECK: Well, it's customary for us.
SUB-PRIEST: Oh, oh, very well.
DAR: Oh.
PLECK: Wow. Guys, I've got to say, have you noticed some sort of inconsistencies with these guys? Like, they put out food, but then there's a slop kitchen.
DAR: And they say jerky is a part of their culture, but it wasn't on the charcuterie plate at all.
C-53: Yeah, very weird.
PLECK: Ch- Yeah, where was the jerky?
C-53: That was the weirdest thing that we've encountered?
DAR: We're talking about inconsistencies that we've noticed.
PLECK: C-53-
C-53: Okay, yeah, yeah.
PLECK: I don't know what it's like at the Ronka Cybernetics Corporation, but when you put out a charcuterie plate, there's jucking jerky on that plate. Jerky.
C-53: Emissary Decksetter, I am a protocol droid. I know exactly what the composition of a charcuterie plate should be.
PLECK: Yeah, you're right.
C-53: How dare you suggest that?
PLECK: Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
C-53: I'm not aware of the appropriate ratio of jerky to other salted meats?
PLECK: You're right, you're right. I'm just saying I feel like something is- something's going on here.
C-53: I think you might be right. It is highly unusual behavior.
PLECK: Yeah. I mean-
C-53: How do you suggest-
PLECK: I will go on record on saying I thought it was weird when they washed our buttholes a bunch of times.
C-53: Now that- You'll find that on many.
PLECK: Is that true?
DAR: Oh yeah, that's very common.
PLECK: Okay, alright.
DAR: And honestly, I appreciated it.
PLECK: Okay.
CHEF: We have tolerated your aside, but how long will it be?
C-53: Okay yes, you're right, you're right.
B-69-420: What's 69 times 2? Dinner for four.
CHEF: I believe it's 138.
B-69-420: Get a load of this jucking guy. Why don't you go back to the slop kitchen you came from?
PLECK: Why is the Chef still here?
SUB-PRIEST: It's customary for the chef to participate in the barter sequence.
CHEF: Yes.
HIGH PRINCESS: Come on, we doing this or not?
C-53: Please, Princess whenever you are ready. We are up to the task.
DAR: Did we establish any kind of game plan in our aside?
PLECK: Nope. Sort of got pulled out of it. By the Chef, apparently. Really calling the shots over here, Chef.
B-69-420: Hey Chef, what comes after 69?
CHEF: 70.
B-69-420: Mouthwash.
CHEF: Oh.
C-53: I don't know where- I don’t know where he learns that-
DAR: I am so happy he's back.
SUB-PRIEST: Your humidifier is very polite.
PLECK: See, I don't know if- that's the thing. It seems sort of weird, like, He's sort of the opposite of polite.
SUB-PRIEST: Not on NOSH.
PLECK: Uh, okay.
SUB-PRIEST: Do you know what NOSH means?
PLECK: Uhh.
SUB-PRIEST: High Princess. Will you tell them what NOSH means?
PLECK: Is it an acronym?
CHEF: Yeah.
HIGH PRINCESS: Nice. Other. Simple. Hi.
C-53: Nice, other, simple, hi.
DAR: Nice, other, simple, hi?
PLECK: Doesn't seem right.
B-69-420: Now I'm completely clear on everything.
HIGH PRINCESS: But there's also another meaning for NOSH.
C-53: Oh okay.
PLECK: Okay, great. Sure. Good.
DAR: Are we going to hear about it from the chef?
CHEF: It's still an acronym, but it's a different one, so.
PLECK: I'm sorry-
C-53: See that's the thing i’m-
SUB-PRIEST: You should listen to the second acronym.
C-53: OKay, okay.
CHEF: Yes. So-
SUB-PRIEST: Or the trade will not take place.
PLECK: Okay, Alright
CHEF: Great, alright. It stands for the second acronym.
B-69-420: I think he's stalling.
CHEF: No, no, I know what it is going to be.
C-53: Okay, good.
SUB-PRIEST: Why wouldn't we know the acronym for our own planet?
CHEF: Yeah. It stands for neither, of, silly’s have-it.
C-53: You used 2 words for 1 letter, sir.
SUB-PRIEST: It is customary.
C-53: [sarcastic] Okay alright
PLECK: That seems like a cop-out.
CHEF: Here on NOSH, have-it is hyphenated.
B-69-420: It works. I'm with these guys.
SUB-PRIEST: Thank you, Again, your dehumidifier is fantastic.
HIGH PRINCESS: Perfect.
C-53: Did I accidentally create a protocol droid that's perfect for one insane planet?
PLECK: I think you did.
HIGH PRINCESS: We're gonna- we’re gonna take your custom and have an aside of our own.
C-53: [whispering] Huh. They really turned that around on us.
SUB-PRIEST: I think we should do the challenges.
CHEF: Yes.
HIGH PRINCESS: Yes, I think so too.
SUB-PRIEST: Time for the challenges.
B-69-420: [out loud] They're going to make you guys do challenges.
CHEF: What?
B-69-420: Sorry, you just left me over here.
SUB-PRIEST: That's true, that's true. We did the aside right next to him.
C-53: Yeah.
CHEF: Yes.
C-53: Challenge? What shape shall they take?
HIGH PRINCESS: All right.
C-53: Okay.
HIGH PRINCESS: Chef, bring it out.
CHEF: I've got it all planned out. All right, as you can see behind here, welcome to the slop kitchen.
C-53: Alright.
CHEF: You'll notice a costume for each of you.
C-53: Okay.
DAR: I call that one.
C-53: I'll take this one.
CHEF: You'll notice 3 bound scripts.
C-53: Okay.
DAR: Okay.
CHEF: And you know what there also is? A fourth one. You have 30 seconds to prepare, and then you will perform this one-act play.
PLECK: Uhh, okay.
C-53: Okay.
DAR: Okay.
SUB-PRIEST: It is the one-act play challenge, customary on NOSH.
HIGH PRINCESS: And the one-act play explains how I came into power.
CHEF: And you will notice that it fully explains both versions of the acronym of NOSH. C-53: Oh good. All right, well, let's just take a look at these scripts. Apparently, oh I'm playing the Chef.
PLECK: Oh.
DAR: All right, and Pleck is playing the High Princess.
PLECK: Perfect.
C-53: Looks like B-69-420 is the Sub-Priest.
B-69-420: Alright, well, I have no eyes, so can I riff?
C-53: Yeah.
DAR: And I will be playing the bidet.
C-53: Okay. Well, I think that was our time.
SUB-PRIEST: Yes
CHEF: Now it's curtain on opening night and closing night of... NOSH!
HIGH PRINCESS: And I will be doing stage direction.
SUB-PRIEST: Yes.
C-53: Well, thank you.
HIGH PRINCESS: Interior, sub-basement, night.
C-53: My lady.
PLECK: Yo.
B-69-420: It is customary to say yo.
SUB-PRIEST: [whispering] Very good.
C-53: [whispering] It's actually the line. What shall this world be named?
PLECK: Yo, how about we call it NOSH?
C-53: 'Tis a fine name, my princess.
PLECK: Mm.
C-53: But this word, NOSH, what does it mean?
PLECK: It's an acronym. It's two acronyms. When visitors come to our planet, we must explain to them what the planet's name means.
C-53: Yes.
PLECK: We should give them one acronym. If they press us, we should give them a second.
C-53: Very good.
B-69-420: To add layers, we should also maybe act like we're not sure what the acronym is.
HIGH PRINCESS: We cut to the bidet.
[Dar making spraying water noise, and farts]
PLECK: Oh, wow. Okay,
SUB-PRIEST: Very good. That was very good. It felt like I was looking into a mirror. It was wonderful.
B-69-420: I'm a box.
HIGH PRINCESS: Interior, sub-basement, night, continuous.
C-53: I have prepared the two different meanings of NOSH.
PLECK: Excellent.
C-53: Which shall be the one we read first to visitors?
PLECK: I remember it.
C-53: Yes, of course-
B-69-420: We all remember it. We came up with it.
C-53: Read it forth now.
PLECK: N-……Nice.
[a pregnant pause]
HIGH PRINCESS: We cut to the bidet.
[narration start]
ALDEN: Alden here with a little narration. At this point in the show, Allie spit a bunch of water onto Seth's head.
[narration end]
SUB-PRIEST: Wow. Wow. That was great. That was so good.
HIGH PRINCESS: Interior, sub-basement, night, moments later.
C-53: And that was both meanings, for the acronym NOSH.
SUB-PRIEST: Wonderful. Wonderful.
HIGH PRINCESS: Wow. That was hella sweet.
CHEF: That was good.
C-53: Thank you, thank you.
SUB-PRIEST: Yeah, you've passed the one-act challenge.
CHEF: And now a brief ceremony. The NOSHka goes to, the bidet.
PLECK: That's well deserved. Well deserved, Dar.
B-69-420: My favorite part of one-act plays are of course the two cutaways. Very easy to pull off live.
C-53: Yeah.
SUB-PRIEST: It is- it is customary in our planet to cut away-
CHEF: Multiple-
SUB-PRIEST: -twice during a one-act play. Next challenge.
C-53: Yes, of course.
SUB-PRIEST: Arm wrestling. Two of you will have to arm wrestle each other, and the winners will arm wrestle each other, and that winner will parley with us for the Kroon.
C-53: So it's an arm wrestling tournament?
B-69-420: I'm more of a dehumidifier than anything else.
SUB-PRIEST: It must be four, no more, no less.
C-53: It must be four?
PLECK: But B-69- B-69-420 doesn't have an arm.
B-69-420: C-53, the time has come. Please.
C-53: B-69-420, I can't be sure you're ready for this.
B-69-420: I'm ready. What other choice do we have? One of us has to win the arm wrestling tournament to parlay.
PLECK: You know, C-53 you do have that helper arm, that third helper arm.
C-53: That's right. I don't even really use it very much. Very well. Allow me to detach this arm and affix it to you.
[C-53 attaches the arm to B-69-420]
B-69-420: Oh hell yeah! Yeah, yeah! Crank the node! Crank the node! Crank the node!
[alarms ring from B-69-420]
PLECK: Oh no.
C-53: I regret this immediately.
B-69-420: AHHHHHH! Chef! Chef!
CHEF: [bewildered] Yes?
B-69-420: Look at me, Chef!
CHEF: [bewildered] What?
B-69-420: Look me in the eye, Chef!
CHEF: Oh boy!
SUB-PRIEST: Very good.
CHEF: We're gonna need the slop kitchen.
B-69-420: Please! Thank you! You are... [groans] ahh.
[alarms cease]
C-53: This-
HIGH PRINCESS: They passed the challenge. They passed the challenge.
SUB-PRIEST: You have passed the arm wrestling challenge.
C-53: What?
CHEF: Yes. Yes.
C-53: But does that mean B-69-420 parlays with you?
SUB-PRIEST: Yes. Dehumidifier, you will parlay with the High Princess.
B-69-420: I got this, guys.
C-53: I'm very concerned about this.
HIGH PRINCESS: Dehumidifier, I feel like you like... you like... you like get me. You know what I mean?
B-69-420: I do know what you mean. Guys, I can't go back on this ship with these dorks. I want to live with you guys. Down here in sub-basement, night continuous.
SUB-PRIEST: What say you, High Princess?
HIGH PRINCESS: Let's do this.
SUB-PRIEST: The parlay is complete.
PLECK: Wow.
CHEF: Do they get the Kroon?
DAR: Wow. Thank you to the Chef for reminding us why we were here in the first place.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Very important.
C-53: Yeah.
CHEF: They won the arm wrestling contest, won the- dehumidifier masturbated, as is custom. And they successfully performed the one-act play with two asides.
SUB-PRIEST: What say you, High Princess?
HIGH PRINCESS: Yes.
PLECK: Oh great.
HIGH PRINCESS: Yes.
C-53: That's fantastic.
HIGH PRINCESS: They win and they get a check.
C-53: Oh.
PLECK: Oh wow
C-53: Wow.
PLECK: It's one of those- it’s one of those big checks.
C-53: Big oversized novelty checks.
HIGH PRINCESS: Yeah, just- just don't cash it in for a couple months.
[transition music]
C-53: I know that was technically a win, but it felt like a loss in many ways.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah. You know, I got to say, I really learned something about the galaxy today.
DAR: Ooh, tell us, Pleck. What did you learn? Summarize it.
PLECK: I will, I will! Well, I think we've had it pretty easy going to a lot of these planets where everything kind of makes sense. There's a lot of analogous sort of situations that we can kind of say, "Hey, look, we've never been here, but we kind of get it." We were in over our heads on this one, and, you know, I think- I think we nailed it.
C-53: I mean, I'm a protocol droid, and I haven't heard of any of the things on that planet.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah.
C-53: It just seems weird.
BARGIE: I'm feeling a lot better.
PLECK: Oh, congratulations.
C-53: Bargie that's great.
BARGIE: Thank you. You know, I was like, my career's over, There's really nothing happening, you know. But I had a talk.
DAR: With who?
BARGIE: With Beano.
DAR: Oh.
BEANO: Beano has a five-year plan for Bargie.
C-53: Oh.
PLECK: Beano, what's the five-year plan?
C-53: Yeah what's the plan?
BEANO: It starts with generals.
BARGIE: General meetings.
BEANO: Just feeling it out.
C-53: Okay.
BARGIE: Beano- Beano had a couple of contacts I got to know.
BEANO: Beano know.
DAR: Beano had a couple of contacts?
C-53: Beano's only ever been on the ship.
BARGIE: I don't know. He said he knows- he knows some of the great- the great people in Holowood, you know? He knows Josh Lorraine. He knows Jim the Cat.
BEANO: Beano go way back.
C-53: Beano go way back? It doesn't seem possible.
PLECK: Bargie, did you agree to 20%?
BARGIE: Uh, 70%.
C-53: 70%? That's not a good arrangement.
PLECK: That's… too high.
BEANO: The price of exposure.
C-RED-IT5: C-RED-IT5 Credits and Attributions Droid, commencing outro protocol. Emissary Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Security Officer Dar was played by Alli Kokesh. Bargie the Ship and High Princess Kahhgh played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, the Bidet Room Attendant, and the Chef were played by Seth Lind. Beano and Sub-priest Phaaaaah were played by Winston Noel. And B-69-420 was played by special guest John Gabrus. This episode was recorded live at the Dynasty Typewriter at the Hayworth in Los Angeles. Recording live sound effects and mix by the amazing Shane O'Connell. Music by Brendan Ryan. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. And a special thank you for coming to this live show!
ALDEN: Thank you so much for coming out. This has been awesome. You guys should hang out and drink and talk to us.
C-RED-IT5: And juck the Federated Alliance!
[ad break begins]
[Promo: Jordan, Jesse, Go!]
JORDAN: Welcome.
SPEAKER 1: Thank you.
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JESSE: Jordan, Jesse, Go!: A real podcast.J
[promo: Flophouse]
ELLIOT KALIN: Have you ever watched a movie so bad you just needed to talk to somebody about it?
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[outtake]
DELIVERY MAN: Delivery for Mr. Bundaloy. Delivery for Mr. Bundaloy.
NERMUT: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Just one second. I just have to... Yeah?
DELIVERY MAN: Here's your delivery, sir. Oh.
NERMUT: What is it?
DELIVERY MAN: It's a big dripping box.
PLECK: I gotta get out of here.
NERMUT: Oh. Okay.
PLECK: You know what? I would not open that door right now.
NERMUT: It's just labeled "Bidet Room."
PLECK: Oh, boy.