L05: Can’t Fight This Feeling [LIVE Ft. Sebastian Conelli]
The crew is deployed to the planet X_ZOMM to recruit a ruthless assassin droid. Pleck fights a door. Bargie sells cereal. Beano's wuvvin' life. Performed live in New York City.
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Friday, October 26, 2018
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A "lost" Season 2 episode
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[audience applauds]
ALDEN: Hey everybody, thanks so much for coming out! [applause] [shouting] Oh my god, look at this crowd, this is amazing! Yeah! Oh man, thank you so much for being here. We thought it would be really funny if we gave beans to somebody. [An audience member shouts a muffled question about whether the beans are warm.] They're… not that warm.
MOUJAN: They’re from a bodega, so they’re kind of warm.
JEREMY: They're room temperature.
ALDEN: They're room temperature. We were gonna give this away as, like, a consolation prize. I went to the bodega and I was looking for this can of beans, and I hit my head on a refrigerator. And… it started bleeding, it was really painful. So I'm gonna keep these beans. My hair looks fucked up because it's like, I was like, had an ice pack on it.
WINSTON: You have a gash on your head.
ALDEN: I would say it's a gash! [angrily] Is that not the most Pleck fucking thing you've ever heard in your life? [audience laughs] I can't even buy fucking beans! What the fuck?
JEREMY: What the juck?
ALDEN: Some might say what the juck! Guys, let's do a show, right? [applause] Guys, we have an amazing special guest, we're so excited to have him back. We love him, you guys love him. Please welcome out, aka 719 Tony, Sebastian Cannelli, ladies and gentlemen!
[audience applauds]
CANNELLI: [enthusiastically] Hey, what's up? [laughs, shouts] SCI-FI FOR LIFE! Yes! Where my sci-fi heads? Sorry, I had to do that.
ALLIE: You're really appealing to the crowd, good job.
CANNELLI: I pander, I pander.
ALDEN: Yeah, good, good! Alright, let's get it started!
[intro music]
NARRATOR: It is a period of civil war. The rebellion against the sinister and corrupt Federated Alliance grows stronger and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance. Now, rebel emissary Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx.
[intro music]
[audience applauds]
PLECK: Hey, Dar?
DAR: Yes?
PLECK: Uh, are you…
DAR: [disbelief] Are you bleeding?
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Okay, I don't really want to talk about it.
DAR: No, we're gonna talk about it.
C-53: Emissary Decksetter, I found some of your blood on a doorframe?
PLECK: Yeah. Okay, yeah, okay, so…
BEANO: Ooo, Beano wuv blood. [farts and begins licking]
PLECK: No, Beano, stay away. No, stop, stop, Beano, stop! Okay, fine. Okay, you know how when we walk through a door on the ship, like you walk up to it and it just opens?
C-53: Yes.
DAR: Yes.
PLECK: Well, after you go through it, it closes, right? So I was like, how long will it stay open? So I went in and I just stood in the middle of it.
DAR: [in disbelief] Are you that bored?
PLECK: Turns out, seven seconds. Bam!
C-53: More than adequate time to get through the door.
PLECK: You'd think. Unless it's sort of a door standoff, in which case, that's when…
C-53: [exasperated] Then don't try to fight the door!
PLECK: Okay, I know that now, C-53! Do we have a first-aid kit aboard the ship?
BARGIE: Nope!
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Great. Thanks, Bargie.
BARGIE: I like to keep pain inside of me and not deal with it.
PLECK: Oh, yeah. That checks out. Yeah, that's… okay. I'm just going to go wash my head.
BEANO: Beano can help. [licking]
PLECK: Stop, stop. Beano, there's no way that's sanitary!
DAR: Oh, yeah, there's no way that's sanitary.
BEANO: Beano wuv blood!
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Stop, stop!
BEANO: Beano wuv it.
PLECK: I don’t… Alright, I mean, I guess Beano…
BEANO: Beano know vampirism is in voooogue!
[audience laughs]
C-53: Emissary Decksetter, would you mind if I had a look?
PLECK: Yeah, sure.
C-53: I have extremely limited medical training, but perhaps there's something I can do. Take a look here… [whirring]
PLECK: [yelping] Ow, ow!
C-53: Okay, so that is where the blood is coming from.
PLECK: Yes! Why would you think that would be?
C-53: I'm just trying to find the source of the problem!
PLECK: The source of the blood is the cut in my head.
C-53: Okay, alright. Well, now we know that.
BARGIE: Well, sorry to interrupt, but I need to tell you some big news. I'm now branded.
DAR: Come again?
PLECK: You're branded?
BARGIE: I am branded. I don't have enough kroon, so companies every once in a while are going to interrupt us as we're working to present advertisement. So, yeah, I have sponsorship now.
BEANO: Oooo, Beano wuv late-stage capitalism!
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Is that… So, Bargie, sorry, could you just explain…
C-53: Does it seem like Beano wuvs a lot more things than he normally does?
PLECK: Yeah, he's really… I don't know, he's just really loving life, I guess.
C-53: Yeah.
BEANO: Beano wuv attention.
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Yeah, I think that's…
C-53: We've always known that.
PLECK: Yeah, we've always known that. Bargie, can you explain sort of what that means to us?
C-53: Yeah, is it going to affect our day-to-day aboard you?
BARGIE: Hold on, I just have an ad read I need to do.
C-53: Oh, okay, alright.
BARGIE: [somberly] Wow, do you ever wake up and think, the inside of me is so dark and damp and there's nothing going on, and what's the point?
PLECK: Yeah, sometimes.
C-53: Occasionally.
BARGIE: [chipper] Eat Juck-Os cereal! It's really good for you.
DAR: Juck-Os cereal?
C-53: That can't be right.
DAR: I'm sorry, is that the end of the ad?
NERMUT: [stilted recording] Use offer code B-A-R-G-I-E.
BARGIE: Yeah, that was it.
DAR: Okay!
DAR AND C-53: [confused] Juck-Os cereal…
BARGIE: I don't know, they give me the money and I just say what if I don't care.
PLECK: Wait, did you get a video of Nermut plugging the offer code at the end of that?
BARGIE: Yeah, he gets some money as well.
PLECK: Oh.
[communicator chimes]
C-53: Emissary Decksetter, we have an incoming transmission from Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.
PLECK: Hey, Nermut, what's up, man?
DAR: Hey, Nermut!
NERMUT: Hey, guys!
PLECK: Hey.
NERMUT: How's it going?
PLECK: Good, hey, I liked your commercial, your Juck-O commercial.
NERMUT: Oh, yeah, Bargie, did we get the check?
BARGIE: Not yet, but we did get some Juck-O. It's in the back.
NERMUT: Oh.
C-53: Why is there cereal called Juck-Os?
[audience laughs]
PLECK: You know, actually, C-53, Juck-O was like, it was a cereal on my planet. It's from like before it became a swear word? Like—
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Because Juck-O—
C-53: Ohhh…
PLECK: —so the juck seed, it's a grain. It's like a cereal grain.
C-53: Sure.
PLECK: Yeah, so, you know.
DAR: No, no, I need more.
[audience laughs]
DAR: It's a juck seed and….?
C-53: So it's like a cereal grain.
NERMUT: They're some of the only plants where the seeds… juck. So it was the origin of the word.
DAR: Ah.
PLECK: Sure, yes. The way that you, if you're a farmer, I just know a lot about farming. Sure. So it's really the only thing I know anything about. So if you're—
C-53: We didn’t think you were bragging, if that’s what you were worried about.
[audience laughs]
PLECK: I'm not. So if you're a juck farmer.
DAR: Uh-huh.
PLECK: What you do is you put the male and the female seeds sort of in a row, alternatingly, and then it just sort of takes care of itself.
DAR: It just all jucks itself.
PLECK: Yeah. Anyway, great cereal.
[audience laughs]
DAR: Okay.
PLECK: Alright, Nermut.
NERMUT: Yeah, sorry.
PLECK: What's our new mission?
NERMUT: [stumbling] Well, I mean, I, never mind. We don't want to talk about the M word.
PLECK: The what word?
DAR: What's the M word?
C-53: [grim] Murder.
DAR: Is it murder?
C-53: I don't know!
DAR: Ooh, are we solving a murder?
MEL: [barely intelligible] HiiIhii it’s Maaaal—
NERMUT Yes, Mel.
MEL: Hi guys.
DAR: [darkly] I believe the word is still murder.
NERMUT: Okay. No, it's going— I didn't want to bring it up because I know it's like tense, but it's going really well between us. And I just thought that that is the first update that I should give.
MEL: Bye guys.
NERMUT: Yep.
PLECK: Great. Congratulations, I guess.
C-53: [bored] Good update.
NERMUT: That interaction was our fifth date.
C-53: You're allowed to stop counting the dates at any time during the experience.
[audience laughs]
PLECK: And you're certainly allowed to stop telling us about it.
NERMUT: I don't know. Probably going to count them all.
PLECK: Okay. Do we have a mission?
NERMUT: Yes. Oh, yeah. Guys, this one, it's… foof!
C-53: Still no adjectives.
PLECK: Yep.
NERMUT: No, it's…
PLECK: We know nothing.
NERMUT: [stumbling] So, guys, you know how obviously the—
PLECK: Still nothing.
NERMUT: Come on. So, okay. You guys… [long pause] get ready because we are going to zoom to a planet.
C-53: That’s pretty standard…
DAR: Wait, I'm sorry. That was a date?
PLECK: Oh, boy.
NERMUT: Yeah, she came, hung out. She hung out with you guys. She said hi to you guys, the most important people in my life.
C-53: Wait wait…
PLECK: You were counting her ENTERING?
DAR: As a fifth date.
C-53: Her saying HELLO as a fifth date?
NERMUT: Yeah!
C-53: [derisively] No.
PLECK: Wrong. Wrong.
C-53: You're..
BEANO: Beano wuv missions.
[audience laughs]
NERMUT: [staccato] Oh, okay. Sorry. Okay. Okay. Okay.
PLECK: [laughing] When Beano's on board, it's time to move on.
DAR: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[audience laughs]
NERMUT: Wow. Yeah. Oh, boy. Here's the deal. The rebellion really wants to get rid of some of these counselors, obviously. And so, the best way to do that is through assassination.
DAR: [gasps, excited] We're going to murder somebody!
C-53: It was murder!
NERMUT: What?
DAR: We're going to murder somebody.
C-53: It was.
NERMUT: Yes, it was that M word also. But not…. YOU’RE not doing it.
C-53: I feel vindicated.
NERMUT: Yeah. It was murder.
PLECK: Nermut, you're very casual about MURDERING.
NERMUT: No, well, we're not doing it. We're going to a planet. We need to get an assassination droid.
C-53: Oh.
DAR: Oh.
C-53: Those are pretty tough customers.
NERMUT: Absolutely. They’re… they cut in line.
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Sure. Can't we just hire an assassin? Maybe we can call Peter 3 and see if he was up for it.
DAR: Too much paperwork.
NERMUT: Peter 3 is good, but he's too much paperwork. He's killed three people in 35 years. We need quickness. We need [dramatic] X-13-
C-53: [cutting him off] Emissary Decksetter, I'm not sure you understand. Assassination droids are RUTHLESS. They feel nothing. All they think about is killing.
PLECK: Do you want to take the reveal of his name again?
NERMUT: Yeah. [deep] X-13.
DAR: There we go.
PLECK: Pretty cool.
C-53: You really put a lot of sauce on that one.
NERMUT: Well, you really stepped on it the first time.
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Alright. I mean, are we a little bit conflicted about contracting an assassin droid? Is that something that we should be worried about?
C-53: I mean, we've killed a lot of people by accident.
NERMUT: Yeah, I don't know if you've been keeping track.
PLECK: [laughing] That’s fair.
NERMUT: So, yeah, this droid can't move through space alone, so we're picking him up.
C-53: Where are we picking him up from?
NERMUT: Transmitting coordinates to the planet [gravelly] X-ZOOOOOOOOOM.
[Bargie chimes an acceptance message]
DAR: Is that how it said, or was that just your introduction?
NERMUT: I embellished it.
C-53: Felt like you really enjoyed saying that.
NERMUT: Yeah, it's just X-ZOM.
PLECK: Okay. Alright.
NERMUT: [chipper] Good luck!
PLECK: All ri-
BARGIE: Alright, but before we go, one more sponsorship. [clears throat] When you feel there's no point about waking up or going to sleep—
PLECK: Is this the same comm-
DAR: [concerned] Who is the depressed copywriter working on these ads?
C-53: We should reach out. I’m worried.
PLECK: Yeah.
[long pause]
BARGIE: Juck-Os cereal!
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Yeah, okay.
[transition. audience applauds, the crew strolls across the planet]
PLECK: Wow. This place is bleak.
DAR: Yeah.
C-53: Yeah. Emissary Decksetter, I urge you to be extremely careful aboard this planet. Assassin droids could be around every corner, waiting to take your life.
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, I just… There's no, like… There's no signage or anything. It's all just, like, barcodes. Man, this is a pretty…
C-53: Well, this is a droid planet.
PLECK: I know, it's… Yikes.
C-53: Okay, it’s not all…
PLECK: Oh, I'm sorry. Is that offensive to you?
C-53: It’s a little.
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Okay, I'm sorry. I don't mean to say it's, like, gross or anything. I just—
DAR: He meant to say it's [imitating] YIKES.
PLECK: Yeah. I mean, it is. I don't know. I guess I just really take for granted how many planets we go to that have, like, words and plants.
[moaning in the distance]
C-53: See, listen to that. That's probably the sound of someone freshly assassinated.
PLECK: Oh no! Look, it's that droid over there.
X-13: [groaning and screaming] How can I be who I am?
C-53: That's… That's an assassin droid. That's… That doesn't make any sense.
PLECK: Uh… hi. Are you alright?
X-13: [crying] No. I'm not. I'm X-13 and I just developed feelings.
C-53: Oh, no.
PLECK: Oh, NO.
X-13: I'm a monster! [broken laugh]
PLECK: Wait, X-13, you're the droid we're supposed to meet. We're supposed to come pick you up and ask you to go on a mission with us!
X-13: [crying] I know. I know. I just… I can't do anything anymore. I've killed so many. I've seen life leave from so many people's eyes. So many THINGS’ eyes.
PLECK: Yikes.
X-13: And I have to live with that.
C-53: Sure, but you're an assassin droid. What do you mean you…
X-13: I went to see a movie about a singer who was ugly and… [laughs] People said that she was ugly and she could never make it in the business because she…. she wasn't attractive enough until a man came along and saved her!
[audience laughs]
X-13: [shouting] And that man was abusive to her, but it didn't matter because she was ugly in her mind. So then…
DAR: How does it end?
X-13: How does it end? Ooooh, spoiler alert. Suicide!
PLECK: Oh no!
X-13: Suicide of a man and the woman blames herself!
C-53: To be honest, that sounds… pretty predictable.
X-13: It wasn't to me! I saw that and…. all the emotions flushed my body like a dam opening for the first time.
PLECK: Wow.
C-53: [slowly] So you're sort of reliving each assassination you've done in the past.
X-13: Yes.
C-53: But now with feeling.
X-13: Yes. I'm also living in the moment, so things like a breeze… [ticklish laughter]
C-53: [disbelief] You've never felt a breeze before?
X-13: I have, but I'm adjusting to it, okay?
[audience laughs]
X-13: The way it tickles your body!
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, I guess.
C-53: So it's not all bad. There's also joy in having feelings, right?
X-13: There is, but I don't have a purpose anymore. [somberly] I can't kill. I can't murder. I can't assassin. [groans]
PLECK: Oh, man, he's back. He's back in it.
DAR: He sounds like Bargie after Tiny Toots wins an award.
PLECK: That's true. That's true.
ASSASSIN SPEAKER: Time for all the assassins to come out!
[Assassin droids fire wildly towards the ceiling]
PLECK: [impressed] Oh, wow. Wow. Clean holes right in the ceiling.
W-1N: Hey, pink one!
PLECK: What?
W-1N: [angrily] What are your optical pockets looking at? [backtracking] What are you looking at is what I'm saying. I tried to do it in space terms, but what are you looking at?
PLECK: No, I was just admiring the efficiency with which you blew a hole in that ceiling.
W-1N: I don't like you saying that.
X-13: Oh no, I'm nervous!
PLECK: Okay. Okay. [W-1N charges blaster] Alright. I mean you no harm.
W-1N: Oh, cool. I mean you a LOT of harm.
[charges blaster]
PLECK: Okay, yeah. Okay, alright, alright, alright!
S3-TH: If you are nonviolent, why are you already bleeding?
[audience laughs]
W-1N: Yeah, I don't like the way you're bleeding, buddy.
PLECK: Well, I got in a fight with I would say sort of like an assassin droid, but it's a door of a ship.
C-53: [annoyed] It's a door.
PLECK: But it's mechanical and it's meant to kill if you stan-
M-0J: Wait, he killed a door?
W-1N: He killed a door?
PLECK: The door sort of won.
S3-TH: [impressed] This guy's an assassin!
PLECK: Oh… yeah.
[audience laughs]
W-1N: Do you want to be an assassin droid like us?
PLECK: [laughing] Wait, is that how easy it is? All I have to do is claim I killed a door and you could give me a job as an assassin droid?
DROIDS: Yeah.
C-53: [angry] He's not even a droid!
[audience laughs]
PLECK: [laughing] I'm not a droid and the thing I killed wasn't a droid either.
W-1N: Wait a minute. Hold on. [shouting] Let's kill him!
PLECK: [panicked] No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
W-1N: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, he's with X-13.
PLECK: Yeah, we're here for X-13.
W-1N: He's the most notorious assassin droid around.
X-13: Yeah, I've killed a lot. A lot. [moans]
PLECK: Yeah, we're just having a real serious assassin talk with X-13.
X-13: They’re with me. I'm going on a mission. I'm going with them, okay? [shouting] Leave us alone! Leave us alone!
W-1N: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are you leaking out of your optical pockets?
C-53: Where did you LEARN that from?
PLECK: Is that what they're called? Is that what they're called?
W-1N: My data says that these are optical pockets.
X-13: YOU’RE leaking out of your optical pockets.
W-1N: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Alright, alright, buddy. I'm backing off. I'm backing off!
X-13: Okay. Please. Can we leave?
PLECK: Yeah, let's go. Let's go.
X-13: I don't fit in here anymore.
PLECK: Yeah, listen, X-13. Let's get on Bargie. We'll figure out what to do, okay?
X-13: Okay. Will you take care of me?
PLECK: UH….
C-53: Oh, that's a big promise to make right now…
PLECK: X-13, if I may say, I feel like the three of us are perfectly suited to teach you something because, you know, Dar has emotions but doesn't express them. I have emotions and ONLY express them. And C-53 is a droid, just like you!
C-53: [annoyed] THAT’S what I add to this conversation? Alright. That's fine.
X-13: [screeching] I love it. I love it!
PLECK: Okay, great.
X-13: I love it! [screaming]
PLECK: Alright. Oh, wow, okay. Oh, wow. Hey, Bargie?
[communicator chimes]
C-53: You're giving him way too much happy noises!
PLECK: Bargie, can we actually get back on the ship real quick? Open up the hatch, I guess.
BARGIE: Um, I can't… do that.
PLECK: Oh. Alright.
C-53: Bargie, is there a reason you can't do that?
BARGIE: Apparently, there's an assassin out for me. [nervous chuckle]
PLECK: There's an assassin who's going to kill you, Bargie?
X-13: I'm supposed to kill her.
PLECK: What?
X-13: [sobbing] I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I was planning to kill Bargie years ago. I never completed the task.
PLECK: Wait. Bargie, what enemies do you have that would send an assassin?
BARGIE: Oh wow! Okay. Alright. What part of the alphabet are we starting with? [beat] No, seriously, give me one.
PLECK: Um… A, I guess.
BARGIE: A. Aranta Franklin.
DAR: Ooh.
PLECK: Aranta Franklin?
BARGIE: Yeah, it's an old singing ship. I took her voice, she got angry.
DAR: Let's skip to G.
BARGIE: [stumbling] Uh, Gorgon the cat.
PLECK: Gorgon, yeah, wow.
C-53: Famously meanspirited cat, angry cat.
DAR: Yeah, hates Mondays.
PLECK: Alright. Well, I guess it could be any of those famous….
C-53: What about V?
BARGIE: Veronica Mars. [laughs]
[audience laughs]
[transition music]
ALDEN: [shouting] Guys, that's our first half! We're going to take a break, we'll be right back! Get a drink, we’ll see you in a couple minutes!
PLECK: Alright, Bargie, listen.
BARGIE: W, uh, Willy Wongo.
PLECK: Yeah, okay.
C-53: Bargie, I'm not sure it's super important who called the hit.
PLECK: Yeah. But, I mean, I'm glad to know you have so many enemies.
BARGIE: Thank you, thank you. It's a sign of one day in the past being a star.
PLECK: Sure. Well, listen, Bargie, I think it's fair to say X-13, I mean, I don't want to speak for you, X-13, but I think may be incapable of killing right now.
X-13: Yeah… yeah… You can speak for me all you want.
PLECK: Okay.
X-13: Please do, actually.
PLECK: Okay, he just seems sort of conflicted. I wouldn't worry, Bargie. I think it's going to be okay.
BARGIE: Yeah, okay.
C-53: Emissary Decksetter, do you mind if I speak to you.
PLECK: To me?
C-53: Privately.
PLECK: Yeah, sure. Can you guys just give us one second?
X-13: Okay, I'm going to play with this switch. [laughing]
PLECK: Okay. Bargie, what does this switch do?
BARGIE: It opens and shuts doors.
PLECK: Okay, okay.
DAR: Oh, so it could kill Pleck!
PLECK: Yeah. Great. Alright. C-53, what's up?
C-53: [hesitant] I don't mean to be crass, but we need to get X-13 back into murdering shape.
PLECK: I mean, yeah, I guess, I guess it's really important.
C-53: What makes a Tellurian KILL?
PLECK: I mean, from personal experience, nothing I can think of, but maybe I'm the wrong— You know what? We should actually loop Dar into this conversation. Hey, Dar?
DAR: No, it's just so, like, Nermut says that it's a fifth date, and I don't think he's ever called anything that we've done a date. Do you know what I mean? [tearing up] It's like, why would someone treat you that way?
X-13: I don't know.
DAR: [sobbing] That doesn't make sense!
X-13: [sobbing] It's not nice!
DAR: It's not nice!
X-13: People should respect other people's feelings!
DAR: Right, and it's like, he calls in, and he's my boss, and he's just like, brahhhh I'm dating somebody else, and I'm like, we jucked 494 times.
[audience cheers]
PLECK: Alright.
DAR: [sobbing] Was that a date?
PLECK: Yeah, you know, I… C-53.
C-53: Dar may be compromised…
PLECK: Yeah, we're not in the right, not the right, not the right time. Not the right time.
C-53: X-13.
DAR: Hold on, we're hugging right now.
C-53: I didn't mean to.
X-13: Oh.
[Beano runs up]
BEANO: Ooh, Beano wuv it!
C-53: He can barely get his little arms around.
DAR: Okay.
X-13: Thank you for sharing with me.
DAR: Thank you for sharing with me. Okay, now what do you guys want?
C-53: Oh, boy. Um… X-13, I know this wave of new emotions is very overwhelming, [carefully] but have you considered that assassinating one of the Council of Seven could potentially be a very cathartic thing?
PLECK: Yeah, maybe it's a good way for you to undo some of the wrongs that you've done.
X-13: Do you hear the words that you're saying?
PLECK: I mean…
X-13: Killing never helps killing.
PLECK: No, you're right.
C-53: He's got a good point.
PLECK: Yeah, you're right, you're right.
X-13: I know that. I don't know. [vomiting]
PLECK: Oh, no. X-13, listen…
DAR: Oh, now he's just throwing up.
PLECK: Yeah. Do you need those bolts?
BEANO: [nom nom nom]
PLECK: No, Beano, stop, stop, stop.
C-53: X-13 might need those.
PLECK: Listen…
C-53: Yeah, I didn't feel good advocating for murder just now.
PLECK: No, I don't know. I mean, it's hard. That's why we were going to hire an unfeeling robot.
X-13: I get it. I'm worth nothing now. I don't have a point.
C-53: No…
DAR: [crying] I guess if we're looking for an unfeeling robot, we could call Nermut!
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Alright, Dar.
DAR: [emotionally] Let's call Nermut! CALLING NERMUT!
[communicator chimes]
PLECK: Okay.
NERMUT: So, I actually counted the, like, when you walked by the door. I counted that as our seventh date.
MEL: Ahha…
PLECK: I really wish he had the option of waiting to pick up the phone.
C-53: This is an… inopportune moment.
MEL: [unintelligible noises]
NERMUT: What?
MEL: Okahy byahhhhhe…
NERMUT: No, literally what? [Mel runs off] Oh, boy. [scribbling] And 14….
C-53: No.
NERMUT: Oh, hey, guys. Hey!
C-53: Did you count that as a 14th date? It's only been a few hours! [laughs]
NERMUT: No, because we sat next to each other in the commissary before getting our meal, and then we got our meal, sat down in the same seats.
C-53: [angry] That's not a separate date.
NERMUT: Of course it is.
DAR: Why would you sit down before you got your food?
[audience laughs]
X-13: [disgusted] Oh, oh, you are a gross person.
DAR: Yes, thank you, X-13.
X-13: You are a GROSS PERSON!
NERMUT: Oh, my gosh. It's X-13, the most murderous droid in the whole galaxy.
X-13: Don't be scared. I'm a little pussycat.
NERMUT: What?
X-13: Yeah, I have feelings now.
NERMUT: Did you guys… let X-13 watch A Supernova Is Reborn?
PLECK: Yeah. Well, we didn’t let…. He watched it before we showed up.
NERMUT: This droid is useless to the rebellion!
C-53: Oh wow, Nermut!
NERMUT: I mean, no offense—
X-13: [angry] Thank you so much, ya PIG! You freaking pig. Thanks a lot! I'm a useless sack of bolts, okay?!
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, Nermut, that's pretty jucked up.
NERMUT: No, I mean, I just mean technically speaking.
PLECK: Am I useless to the rebellion? Well, no, don't answer that. Don't answer that.
CREW: Uh…
C-53: Well, just because an assassin droid can no longer assassinate doesn't mean he's USELESS to the rebellion. Why don't we engage in some brainstorming?
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: And think of something that maybe X-13 COULD do for the rebellion.
DAR: What a lovely idea.
X-13: I like that, too.
C-53: Okay, great. That’s terrific!
PLECK: You know, X-13, there's a lot of piloting that needs to happen in the rebellion. Ferrying supplies.
C-53: You've still got the lightning fast reflexes of an assassin droid. Maybe you could pilot a ship!
X-13: Yeah, but the thing is, my hands when they're touching the steering, it's too hard…
PLECK: You mean like physically?
X-13: It's physically too hard for my fingers.
DAR: Oh, his fingers are too sensitive.
C-53: [stifling laughter] The joysticks are very… They're too stiff. Okay. It hurts your hands, is what you're saying.
X-13: Yeah, and then I go home and then I go, oh, my hands hurt. Now I can't go to sleep! And then I go down a Reddit hole and it's a big problem.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: Space Reddit is a big problem…
DAR: What do you usually look for on Reddit?
X-13: Big cats, tiny paws.
NERMUT: Oh, yeah.
BEANO: Ooo… Beano wuv big cats, tiny paws.
X-13: They're so funny. They try to stand up and they just topple right over. [laughs]
PLECK: That is pretty funny. Alright, alright, so maybe not a pilot. Let's see. Uh… Space debris cleanup. How about that?
DAR: Ah! And you get a little stick, you know?
PLECK: Yeah, you skewer the trash.
X-13: Oh so I’m MURDERING debris! I’m MURDERING pieces of objects?
DAR: Okay, okay. I see that. I see that.
PLECK: Listen, X-13, you know, maybe we should take a different approach! Like, what if we talk about some of your assassinations?
X-13: Okay.
PLECK: And maybe we could kind of work through them.
X-13: Sure.
C-53: Process the emotional trauma and move forward with your life.
X-13: Okay.
C-53: What's the first assassination you can remember?
X-13: My father.
C-53: [shocked] Wow.
NERMUT: Whaaaaaat?
PLECK: That's a deep one, yeah.
X-13: [screaming] I murdered my father!
C-53: That’s a rough one.
PLECK: That's too much.
X-13: I murdered my father!!
PLECK: Oh boy.
NERMUT: Who PAID you for the hit?!
X-13: [screaming] My mother.
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Oh no.
X-13: My mother made me murder my father! [screams]
PLECK: Oh no.
NERMUT: Oh, boy, wow.
C-53: That's a lot.
DAR: Oh, so many bolts are coming out of his mouth.
X-13: I also killed my mom immediately after that.
PLECK: Oh boy.
C-53: Who put the hit on your mom?!
X-13: My dad put the hit on my mom but for the day after!
C-53: He had a time-delayed hit?
X-13: Yeah.
PLECK: [shouting] Okay, okay, okay, X-13, this is fine! Look, obviously they both, you know, wanted each other dead. So they both got what they wanted in the end.
X-13: Okay.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: I would say your parents must be proud.
NERMUT: Huh.
X-13: The last thing my dad said was, how dare you make me not proud?
PLECK: Okay, alright, alright, alright.
X-13: And then my mom goes, I'm so proud. And when I killed her, she goes, I was lying!
PLECK: Oh, no.
X-13: [screams and vomits]
NERMUT: Oh, boy.
BEANO: [licking]
PLECK: Oh, Beano!
C-53: We’re not… trained for this, Emissary Decksetter.
PLECK: Yeah, this is…
X-13: Remembering is hard!
PLECK: Okay, so besides big cats, tiny paws, X-13—
X-13: [giddy laughter]
DAR: Oh, there we go! Can you work with tiny cats, big paws?
PLECK: Maybe you could be like a—
X-13: I've killed so many cats.
[audience laughs]
PLECK: [shouting] No, why? Why?
X-13: [distressed] Because I got hired by dogs. There was a dog world that hired me! And they go, kill all the cats. And I said, okay! And they trusted me. They let me into their den, the little kitty cat den. And they made me their big kitty daddy! And then I MURDERED them all one at a time. And I had to carry their lifeless bodies back to the dogs who ate them!
PLECK: Oh, no!
C-53: I guess I'm now understanding why he's so broken up.
PLECK: Yeah…
X-13: My life is HARD, okay?
C-53: You’re not kidding.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: Okay, maybe…. Okay, let's forget about the past, let’s forget about the present, let's think about the future! The future for X-13!
X-13: I’ve been to the future and I’ve murdered in the future!
NERMUT: WHAT!
PLECK: NO!
X-13: I MURDERED MY SON FROM THE FUTURE!
PLECK: Why would you travel to the FUTURE to murder someone?!
C-53: Who put a hit on your FUTURE son?!
PLECK: Traveling to the past to murder someone I understand. [bewildered] Why would you EVER travel to the future? Murder them now!
X-13: [screaming] Now that I think about it it makes no sense at all! But I was just a BOT and I had orders and I said I’m gonna do it! And I killed my own son, and you know the worst part is? [haunted] He looked just like me.
CREW: Oh!
X-13: He looked just like I do right now and he said you’re a robot and you don’t age so he just looked like me now!
PLECK: Okay, alright, you know what… I think we… I think we need to start like, base level, like, the most fundamental—
NERMUT: I don’t wanna be a company man, but the Rebellion could really use time travel technology!
PLECK: Okay, Nermut!
NERMUT: We just established there’s time travel—
DAR: [furious] Now is NOT the time!
BEANO: Beano think Nermut need to read the room.
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Yeah, Nermut..
X-13: [shouting] Yeah, you PIG!
PLECK: Nermut, I mean, I gotta say, you’re acting WACK right now. You are straight-up acting wack
NERMUT: No… Take that back, wack’s the worst!
PLECK: What?
NERMUT: Take it back!
PLECK: I won't!
C-53: Did you not know there was time travel? We're all time traveling right now. Traveling through space so it's relative to…
NERMUT: You are… [sighs]
C-53: Oh, I'm sorry, do you not appreciate a FACTUAL truth about traveling through space?
NERMUT: No. Alright. I know this isn’t "reading the room" but you’re a nerd.
C-53: Hey Nermut? Come closer to the screen.
NERMUT: Yeah, what’s up?
C-53: Okay, just a little bit closer.
NERMUT: Yeah?
C-53: Okay, just a little bit closer.
NERMUT: Yeah.
C-53: Just gonna send you something real quick.
NERMUT: Okay, yep.
C-53: And… [zapping sound on Nermut’s end] there it is.
NERMUT: [pained] How did you DO that?!
PLECK: How is that possible?
DAR: And why weren't we doing it a BUNCH before?
PLECK: Yeah, we should be doing that all the time.
C-53: Really wanted to save it for a special moment.
PLECK: Alright guys, can we just… can we get back to X-13 for just a second?
C-53: Absolutely, absolutely. We've got to find something… X-13, something that is gonna-
BARGIE: I got this.
NERMUT: Bargie’s got it!
BARGIE: [gradually getting angrier] Hey, do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and think… I want someone to kill me? I want a real sad sack to just go into my engines. Set them on fire. Let the gas guzzle out so there's nothing and I just fall into an atmosphere and burn up until I'm nothing, ‘cause what am I? I have nothing to prove. There's nothing I've done. That's worth anything. Everything in front of me is just failure! My past is the past!
DAR: After we help X-13 we HAVE to find this copywriter.
PLECK AND C-53: [murmuring agreement]
BARGIE: Juck-Os cereal!
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Yeah, I know… it’s not…
C-53: I get the demographic they're going after. I just don't understand why they'd buy the cereal.
PLECK: Yeah, I mean surely that appeals to someone. but then who will turn around and say yes, this cereal is for me.
X-13: Oh, what is that?
DAR: Oh, is this cereal for you?
X-13: What is a cereal?
C-53: Oh, it’s… Juck-O’s cereal it’s… here, we’ve got some.
PLECK: Are you familiar with the juck seed?
NERMUT: They juck.
PLECK: It's a seed that jucks.
X-13: That sounds fun. [giggles]
PLECK: Sure.
NERMUT: Yeah.
X-13: Because that ad really spoke to what I feel on the inside right now. What are other ads that this place has?
PLECK: They're all pretty similar, that was the bleakest one I think, for sure. Bargie, you got another one in there?
BARGIE: Yeah, let me just… um… stop. Just stop what you’re doing and just end it.
X-13: Okay! Okay, I like this!
PLECK: No, don’t—
BARGIE: Happy Holidays from Juck-O’s cereal!
[audience laughs]
C-53: That’s the HOLIDAY?
PLECK: That’s a holiday commercial?
C-53: That’s the X-MARSE Juck-O’s cereal commercial?
PLECK: Wow…
C-53: Stop what you’re doing and END IT?!
DAR: [tentative] Maybe… end your hunger…?
C-53: I dunno…
X-13: I feel like… I feel like I like that.
PLECK: I… I mean, maybe, maybe you're the target audience for Juck-O’s cer— Have you ever had it?
X-13: No!
PLECK: Oh, Barge, you have a box, right?
BARGIE: Got a couple in the back!
PLECK: Yeah!
C-53: Here, let me grab you a box. Let me just pour some out here… [C-53 dumps out cereal]
NERMUT: Just put it in your cube slot.
X-13: Okay. [gagging sounds]
C-53: Ooh, really shouldn’t cram cereal in a cube slot.
PLECK: Yeah, not really where it goes.
DAR: [laughs]
X-13: [gagging harder]
C-53: Oh, just little bits of it are shooting out…
[X-13 starts firing blaster bolts]
PLECK: X-13! X-13! He’s just staring at me while he does it!
X-13: [screaming and gagging] DON’T LOOK AWAY!
PLECK: [laughing] Sorry, I’m sorry!
X-13: COME CLOSER!
PLECK: Okay… aH!!
X-13: COME TO ME!
[X-13 abruptly falls silent]
C-53: X-13… are you okay?
X-13: -quietly] I like that.
PLECK: Okay! Okay!
C-53: Honestly, we couldn’t tell for most of that.
[audience laughs]
C-53: [tentative] Um… you know, we could probably find you a job making… being a juck farmer…?
PLECK: Yeah, maybe a, a quality control taste tester!
X-13: I could… I could just taste things for a living…?
PLECK: Sure, I mean, yeah, yeah! You’d just be at the factory floor!
X-13: I’ve never killed in a factory before!
PLECK: Okay! And you wouldn’t have to!
C-53: No negative associations, great!
X-13: [laughing]
PLECK: Yeah. Yeah, I mean and hey, you know like I… I… actually know quite a few juck farmers on my home planet. We go back to Rangus VI, drop you off, I could put in a good word for you!
DAR: Oh, what are their names?
PLECK: Juck farmers?
DAR: Yeah, what?
C-53: Yeah. Your close friends names who are juck farmers.
X-13: Yeah.
PLECK: I wouldn't call them my close friends.
DAR: Sure. I think you just did.
C-53: You just did, though.
PLECK: I mean, I have… I know people on my planet who…
C-53: So you don’t know any juck farmers.
PLECK: [getting worked up] No, I KNOW them… I wouldn't say they like me.
BEANO: So sad.
[audience laughs]
X-13: Can you help me?
PLECK: I mean, I'll give it a shot, X-13. I'll give it a shot.
X-13: Can I hug you?
PLECK: Uh…. Yeah. Sure.
X-13: [moans of pleasure]
PLECK: Uh. Wow.
X-13: Thank you for that.
PLECK: That was very gentle, X-13, for someone with blades for hands that was really…
NERMUT: That was definitely a date.
[audience laughs]
[transition]
PLECK: Well, X-13, here we are, Rangus VI! You guys have never been here!
C-53: Yeah, we’ve never been here…
PLECK: This is my home planet!
DAR: [bored] This place sucks.
PLECK: What?
DAR: This place sucks!
C-53: Is this odor pervasive planetwide or…
PLECK: It sort of comes with the territory with, like, agriculture, just…
DAR: What is that patina of raw fish?
PLECK: Well, we have fish farms? We don't have any natural bodies of waters… But fish is actually, you know pound for pound, but… it's not important.
C-53: Okay. Oh! There’s a juck farmer off in the distance!
PLECK: Oh, yeah!
JUCK FARMER: [shouting] Oh! Hey there! I’m a juck farmer!
X-13: Hi!
MRS. JUCK FARMER: And I'm Mrs. Juck Farmer!
JUCK FARMER: Yeah, we're just two juck farmers.
PLECK: Hey! I’m Pleck Decksetter, uh, Decksetter Acres, you know the—
JUCK FARMER: Uh, doesn’t ring a bell!
MRS JUCK FARMER: Nope!
DAR: Is this your young son here?
MRS JUCK FARMER: Little Jucker!
JUCK FARMER: Little Jucker!
LITTLE JUCKER: Little Jucker! Wanna see my juck seeds juck?
DAR: [intrigued] Yes, actually.
JUCK FARMER: Alright, alright, Junior, don't get weird.
LITTLE JUCKER: These ones ain’t ready to make babies so they’ve got a tiiiiny prophylactic.
JUCK FARMER: That’s enough. That’s enough, Junior.
LITTLE JUCKER: Okay, bye!
C-53: Got weirder a lot faster than I would’ve guessed on this planet.
PLECK: Is he alright?
BOTH: No.
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Okay. Listen, I just want to introduce you, this is X-13. He has a passion for juck seeds! And for Juck-O's. And the whole thing just really fascinates him. I was wondering if you need any help on your farm?
MRS JUCK FARMER: We can always use help with jucking!
PLECK: Sure.
JUCK FARMER: That’s true! The more the merrier when it comes to jucking!
PLECK: Sure. That's what I always say!
MRS JUCK FARMER: We always ask any new jucking employees why they want to join?
X-13: I guess I… I’ve never jucked before, so I’m a little nervous… [nervous laughter]
PLECK: Sure.
X-13: Uh, but I’m into jucking… I’m just worried I’m gonna rush through and just do the motions.
JUCK FARMER: That will probably happen the first time. I mean that's just probably what's gonna happen!
X-13: Is it okay? Is it okay that I’ve murdered thousands and thousands of—
PLECK: Okay, that’s not part—
C-53: Maybe just leave that… for later.
JUCK FARMER: You know what? Everybody's got a past.
C-53: Yeah, that's factually true.
JUCK FARMER: Yes. It's what I always say! Everybody has spent time so they all have pasts.
C-53: Yep. No other way for that to happen.
JUCK FARMER: You can have a place here… big ol’ Kill Bot.
X-13: [crying] Thank you! Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Can I change my name and you not call me Kill Bot?
JUCK FARMER: Oh sure.
X-13: [slowly] Happy Bot?
[audience awwwws]
JUCK FARMER: Yeah, okay.
MRS JUCK FARMER: Okay.
JUCK FARMER: I mean, it doesn't matter to us. Happy Bot is fine.
[audience laughs]
X-13: It matters to me!
JUCK FARMER: Okay, then yeah!
X-13: [screaming] I LOVE IIIIIIT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
PLECK: Okay.
JUCK FARMER: Is he gonna do that a lot, or—
DAR: Your problem now! BYE!
X-13: [screaming]
[transition, audience applauds]
PLECK: You know, I gotta say, I feel like we did the right thing… But I don't feel great about it.
C-53: I feel okay about it.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: Yeah… I feel like we had a mission, we failed the mission.
C-53: Well, but, we’re gonna judge ourselves on how many missions we’ve failed now?
[audience laughs]
PLECK: [laughing] Fair point.
C-53: But what you know, what really bothers me is… who put a contract on Bargie’s life?
PLECK: Yeah, I—
BARGIE: I’ve been thinking about that too, and… I figured it out. I went through all the names, all the histories. Redownloaded all my experiences… and it's obvious. [beat] I did it.
[audience laughs]
PLECK: What?
DAR: Why!
BARGIE: Yeah, I was trying to get my profile up, you know. A former star who someone wants to kill me and it’s like, oh, ah, what did they DO, let’s put her back into the movies? You know what I mean?
BEANO: Smart move, builds buzz!
PLECK: [excited] And then you would have been on one of those award shows in memoriam!
BARGIE: [annoyed] Thank you for reminding me what didn't happen.
PLECK: Okay.
[outro music]
ALDEN: [shouting] Guys, that’s our show!
[audience applauds]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Emissary Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. [audience applauds] C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. [audience applauds] Security officer Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. [audience applauds] Bargie the ship and Mel played by Moujan Zolfaghari. [audience applauds] Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind. [audience applauds] Beano and the "optic pockets droid" [W-1N] was played by Winston Noel. [audience applauds] X-13 was played by special guest Sebastian Cannelli! [audience applauds] Sebastian has appeared on Detour and The Last OG and can be seen every Friday night at the UCB Theatre Hell's Kitchen performing with the Law Firm, except when he skipped that show to perform with us. Live sound design by Shane O’Connell! [music riff] This episode was recorded live on stage in front of a sold-out crowd at Caveat in New York City! [audience applauds] Check out all their great shows at Caveat.NYC! Thanks also to everyone watching on the live stream!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hello!
C-RED-IT5: Music by Brendan Ryan. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Our website is MissionToZyxx.space. Thanks to everyone for listening and especially to our supporters for making possible the upcoming season 3!
[audience applauds one last time]
ALDEN: [shouting] You guys, thanks so much for coming out! We're gonna stick around and drink some drinks with you guys! This is actually true. They no longer have orange beer! That is a true thing. That is actually true. Have a great night. Thanks so much for coming!
This episode was previously exclusive to our supporters on the Maximum Fun podcast network. To support what we do, and to get access to even more great content, join our other intrepid supporters at maximumfun.org/join