Mailbag #2!

If you thought Nermut only grabbed a few printed emails on his way down to Sub-Basement 21, hoo boy were you wrong! The crew return to answer more of your questions, while they hurtle through space toward whatever adventures lie ahead.

• Episode Transcript

  [intro music]

  NERMUT: So yeah, I have this bundle of mail, and maybe while we're just traveling on this long trip, we could just read some of those questions from the…

  PLECK: I'm in. Let's do it.

  C-53: Why don't you give it a shot?

  NERMUT: Cool. Oh boy, this is… this is insane.

  PLECK: What?

  NERMUT: [flips paper] Okay. Vic the Tick.

  DAR: Whoa!

  NERMUT: Greetings from a small-time dust smuggler. Begin encrypted transmission- It's definitely not encrypted.

  PLECK: Oh.

  NERMUT: Attention crew of Federated Alliance ship Bargarean Jade. Greetings Ambassador Pleck Decksetter and crew and a special hello to you Double D Bargy. You sleek, sexy silge, yo- [aside] Wow, this is getting right into it.

  PLECK: Yikes.

  C-53: Oh, this is really…

  NERMUT: I’ve seen what you can do with those afterburners, but…

  C-53: [quickly] Is this perhaps a private email for Bargie?

  NERMUT: I'm a long hauler. I've got a lot of time on my hands between systems, and you are my new favorite stream to decrypt every week, way more entertaining than that Turk Manaked juckhead!

  CREW: Yeah!

  PLECK: [excited] Yeah! I like this Vic the Tick. I like this guy.

  NERMUT: Seriously, Juck that guy. Even Decksetter isn't that pathetic.

  PLECK: [offended] Hey!

  DAR: Wow!

  C-53: That's a real…

  DAR: Complimentary!

  NERMUT: Backhanded compliment…

  PLECK: Oh man.

  NERMUT: [reading] Alright, C-53, you're doing the most!

  C-53: I think statistically that is probably correct.

  NERMUT: Nermut, hang in there. That's a little bit…

  PLECK: That's good advice.

  NERMUT: Yeah.

  C-53: Unless he's suggesting you actually hang in anywhere, your arm strength is…

  PLECK: No, yeah.

  C-53: …not up to the test.

  NERMUT: If someone would lower the chin-up bar, I could use it.

  DAR: I don't think that would be a great idea.

  C-53: We would all trip on the bar if we lowered it that much.

  PLECK: That's true.

  NERMUT: Just lift your leg… [reading] Dar, I love you— Whoa.

  DAR: Whoa?

  NERMUT: Vic the Tick.

  DAR: Huh? Whoa?

  PLECK: Nermut, are you blushing right now?

  DAR: I love you, whoa?

  NERMUT: [embarrassed] I'm not. That's fine. Everyone should love who they want to love.

  PLECK: Wait, when you said Dar, I love you, was that part of the email?

  NERMUT: Yeah. It's says…

  DAR: Oh, thank you for questioning him, Pleck.

  C-53: Was the whoa part of the email?

  NERMUT: No, that was my reaction. [reading] And Sugarcane, juckin’ get it together, man? Wow, they're going back at you with your other…

  C-53: Coming at you hard.

  PLECK: I haven't been called Sugarcane in, man, weeks.

  DAR: Should we reinstate it?

  PLECK: I don't think so.

  NERMUT: Alright, crew, gonna…

  C-53: Updating personnel files. [chimes]

  PLECK: No! Oh. Oh, man.

  DAR: What?

  NERMUT: Thank you for what you're doing out there. You helped take the sting out of lonely light years on the hyperspace lanes. All hail the Federated Alliance, Vic. That's nice, Vic.

  PLECK: That is nice, Vic.

  DAR: That is nice, Vic.

  PLECK: Also, strange to see a dust dealer with such strong loyalty to the Federated Alliance.

  DAR: Could be operating out of Slog’s.

  NERMUT: Well, now we know who's driving those ships that come in unmarked and leave unmarked from Slog’s. That's Vic.

  PLECK: [patriotically] Rodd bless you, Vic the Tick.

  NERMUT: Rodd bless you. Alright, here is a question!

  DAR: Oh.

  NERMUT: [flips paper] From Frank Z. Hi, I am enjoying Mission to Zyxx. That's our mission!

  PLECK: That's our mission! That was our mission.

  NERMUT: Yeah.

  PLECK: Now we're just here.

  BARGIE: Is that the question?

  NERMUT: No, that was just the first sentence. I look forward to it each week. I have a question about canon. Ooh.

  DAR: Uh-oh.

  NERMUT: C-53 has a protocol bolt or something that makes sure he does the right thing.

  C-53: PROTOCOL bolt? Is he talking about a restraining bolt?

  NERMUT: I believe so.

  DAR: We could assume.

  C-53: A protocol droid with a restraining bolt.

  PLECK: Yeah. And now neither.

  C-53: Yeah, that's true.

  PLECK: Now you're just a cube in the cube port of a spaceship.

  C-53: Yeah.

  NERMUT: But the crew has not sent the relic bean back to Nermut. It seems that if the protocol bolt was working, C-53 would be compelled to follow orders and send the bean back. That's actually a really good point.

  DAR: Well…

  PLECK: Well, Nermut, I feel like your feelings about this are being clouded.

  DAR: Yeah.

  C-53: Former Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, of course you know, if you refer to Federated Alliance protocols, that the ambassador in question must handle the delivery of all artifacts. So, in fact, it would be in violation for me to have sent the bean to you. I could advise him to send the bean, which admittedly I… did not, I thought it was pretty funny that we never sent it.

  DAR: Yeah. Agreed.

  NERMUT: And, I mean, I think it was a blessing in disguise. As badly as I wanted you to send that bean, and as perpetually and ever-increasingly angry it made me each time you didn't, ultimately if the relic had gotten into the hands of the Federated Alliance, who knows what type of evil they would have used it for?

  PLECK: Yeah, that's a very good point, Nermut.

  NERMUT: Now it's here and it’s hatched into a… [coy] You know?

  DAR: Mm-hmm.

  NERMUT: The next question is, oh, uh, Bargie, [mumbles] steel yourself.

  BARGIE: Yep. What'd you say?

  NERMUT: Steel yourself.

  DAR: Sounded like feel yourself, didn't it?

  C-53: I thought you said heal yourself.

  PLECK: Also a good idea.

  BARGIE: Yeah, what's up?

  NERMUT: This is a question for C-53, but it's, uh, subject line, do you trust Bargie?

  PLECK: What?

  BARGIE: OoOOOkay.

  NERMUT: C-53, is Bar-

  BARGIE: This is a conversation that should have been happening for a while. Let's do this.

  NERMUT: Oh, wow! C-53, is Bargie made up of any original parts? Is she who you think she is? How would you know? Dr. B.S.

  PLECK: Hm.

  C-53: I think Dr. B.S. has a real, I would say-

  PLECK: Trust problem.

  C-53: Dr. B.S. is shipist?

  PLECK: Yeah. And I would, I'll say this, Dr. B.S. I mean, if there is one of us who is the real deal-

  C-53: The most authentic.

  PLECK: The most salt of the, uh-

  C-53: Salt of the galaxy.

  NERMUT: Salt of the space.

  PLECK: Salt of the space person.

  DAR: [confused] Salt of the space…

  PLECK: That any of us know, it's Bargie.

  BARGIE: Thank you, appreciate it. You know, I like to keep it 2 billion and 8 percent, you know what I mean?

  PLECK: Yeah, keeping it 2B.

  C-53: Also, is Dr. B.S. to suggest that all ships can only use their original parts?

  PLECK: Yeah, I mean-

  C-53: No ship would survive, they would all be destroyed by cosmic radiation!

  PLECK: Sure.

  NERMUT: I think there's certainly an implication that as parts are replaced, they become less and less trustworthy.

  C-53: I think Dr. B.S. is full of himself, if you know what I'm saying.

  PLECK: [chuckling] HohoHO, C-53!

  BARGIE: But there's two theories in the ship world. There's two theories in the ship world, people who believe ships should stay as they are and others who believe in change and progress. And I'm one of those ships. To the future!

  PLECK: Oh, wow.

  NERMUT: Is there a part of you you would never replace? Just to, you know, piggyback on-

  PLECK: Dr. B.S.?

  NERMUT: Dr. B.S.?

  BARGIE: My fridge.

  PLECK: Your fridge?

  BARGIE: My fridge.

  C-53: This is a vintage fridge.

  BARGIE: A lot of good memories.

  NERMUT: It was essential in Ambassador Decksetter’s wonderful trick that he helped the bean do.

  C-53: That's true.

  PLECK: It's got the water spout on the outside, which is like a mark of a great fridge.

  C-53: Those are very handy to have nice cool water. I, of course, shun water for its ability to make me malfunction. I understand many life forms find it essential.

  PLECK: Yeah, I mean, I guess it's sort of imagine like a real cold glass of power. That's sort of like, yeah, yeah.

  C-53: Oooh boy. Now you're talking my language. [laughs] I'm joking. Of course, any language you speak would be a language that I am familiar with.

  PLECK: True. And any power is probably the same temperature, give or take, right?

  C-53: Well, you'd be surprised!

  PLECK: Oh, okay.

  NERMUT: [flips paper] Alright, here we go, uhhhhh Hayden Ely. Subject line, questions. You're in the right place, Hayden. Hi, my name is Hayden, and I love this crew! Yes, even you, Pleck.

  PLECK: Okay. I'll take that as-

  C-53: Lot of qualifications to people’s welcomes and greetings to the crew.

  PLECK: Mostly towards me.

  NERMUT: I do have one question, though. What's your favorite galactic cuisine? I'm just curious about what different species eat, so any answer is appreciated. Thanks, Hayden E.

  C-53: Now there's a very nice question to receive. Hayden, I'll answer first. I enjoy power.

  PLECK: Is there a specific, is there a certain company that makes the best power? A certain, you know, species that like-

  C-53: I mean, anytime you're getting a power from, you know, like sort of a local power company I think you can just trust it more.

  PLECK: Sure. Yeah.

  C-53: You know, when you get power from those big conglomerates, you just don't know where that power's coming from.

  PLECK: Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. What about you, Dar?

  DAR: I guess, I guess a crispy Garfon.

  PLECK: Yeah!

  C-53: Oh, sure.

  PLECK: Keep it classic. Keep it classic. Just a crispy Garfon. Ah— my favorite cuisine is Flickarian food.

  DAR: What's their number one dish?

  PLECK: Well, you don't really eat it. It's just, it's a bunch of stone, like smooth stones, and then it's coated in a powder. It's like REALLY spicy?

  C-53: Yeah, those powders can be very spicy.

  PLECK: [enthusiastic] Yeah, and then you sort of like, it sounds gross, but you have to kind of suck on a lot of these smooth rocks. It's just like a really fun experience for me.

  C-53: Former Ambassador Decksetter, can I say I'm very impressed with your answer?

  PLECK: Oh, well, you know, I kind of… I'm kind of an adventurous eater!

  C-53: Your time outside in the galaxy has widened your palette.

  PLECK: Yeah, well.

  C-53: Bargie?

  BARGIE: I'm, uh, I'm trying to lose some gas right now, so I don't kind of like, not talking about it.

  PLECK: Okay.

  BARGIE: I don't want to talk about food.

  DAR: Yeah, totally.

  C-53: Yeah, that's understood.

  NERMUT: [flips paper] Alright. Oh, listen to this. Hello. Can Dar talk about her, it's home planet, and explain the long version of his, it's name?

  PLECK: Man…

  NERMUT: Dariel.

  DAR: Alright, Dariel.

  PLECK: I think Dar is a, oh, sorry, go ahead.

  DAR: No, no, Pleck, go ahead.

  PLECK: No…

  DAR: No, no, really, please.

  PLECK: I just feel like if I ever called you an it, I would be in real big trouble.

  DAR: Well, you should know better, and maybe Dariel doesn't.

  PLECK: Okay.

  DAR: So, I'm going to give Dariel the benefit of the doubt, and I'll let-

  C-53: That's very gracious of you, Dar.

  DAR: From one Dar to a Dare, I'll let him know, him, it, them, know-

  NERMUT: [oh snap tone] Lobbing the it back at Dariel.

  DAR: Well, I mean-

  C-53: Well, Dariel used it first.

  DAR: Yeah.

  NERMUT: Sure.

  DAR: Um, that my home planet is [alien noises] And, uh, like any other species from my planet, uh, Dar is just short for [alien noises].

  NERMUT: Oh, great.

  PLECK: Wow, Dar, that was very informative. It's interesting that when you say your, your name like in your home language, it doesn't come out of your mouth. It comes out of a different part of you.

  DAR: Yes, but which part of me?

  PLECK: I know, that's, I, I, that's a COOL mystery.

  DAR: Hm.

  NERMUT: [flips paper] My name is Mark, and I am from a moon of Chicago called Evanston.

  PLECK: Hm, okay.

  C-53: Not familiar with either of those places.

  PLECK: Yep, don’t… That's gibberish, basically, to me.

  NERMUT: Where I live, we don't have sentient ships. Oh.

  C-53: [surprised] Wow, must be a real backwater.

  BARGIE: That doesn't make no sense to me. What did, what did you do to them, huh? Honestly, someone should investigate.

  NERMUT: Did they kill the ships?

  DAR: Ooh, like, uh, Pleck kills horses!

  PLECK: [caught off guard] No, I would, I, I- I never killed a horse!

  NERMUT: I think Pleck just let the horses die.

  C-53: They have email, but they don't have sentient ships?!

  PLECK: Yeah, I don't know.

  DAR: Very strange.

  C-53: Those usually come one right after the other.

  PLECK: I mean, and in our case, I think ships came first.

  C-53: Yeah.

  PLECK: Yeah.

  NERMUT: This says, we don't have sentient ships, so I'm a bit confused about how the Bargarean Jade's sentience works. She seems sort of forgetful for a computer, and maybe just a plink more promiscuous than our Evanstonian computers.

  DAR: [disgusted] Hm.

  NERMUT: Ugh.

  C-53: Hm. A plink.

  DAR: Well, again, backwater.

  C-53: That must be a unit of measurement that I'm not familiar with that.

  NERMUT: Yeah, it's sort of an Evanstonian unit of measurement. I assume small.

  PLECK: Yeah.

  C-53: Yeah.

  PLECK: Well, I, Bargie, I mean, on your behalf, I will say I'm a little offended that he thinks that a computer controls you.

  BARGIE: Yeah. I mean, come on. What controls you, Pleck? Huh?

  C-53: Are you controlled by all your pink meat?

  PLECK: [laughing] Sort of… In a way.

  C-53: [genuine surprise] Really?

  PLECK: I mean, yeah. You know, like, sort of, you want to think about how, I mean, my, I guess I'm controlled by my brain? But, you know, some people are like, you're really controlled by your heart. And some people are like, you're controlled by your gut. And some people are like, you're controlled by your, uh, like you're letting your GENITALS control you!

  NERMUT: You've had all these conversations?

  PLECK: Not all about me, but, like, people are always saying that different things are, I feel like we're getting away from.

  C-53: Well, Tellurians are famously very dumb.

  PLECK: [earnestly] Yeah, dumb. Dumb.

  NERMUT: Bargie, I'm impressed that you didn't fly off the handle about this. This is pretty straight up insulting.

  BARGIE: I've been asked this question countless times growing up. It's just sad some people just don't, they don't know. You know?

  DAR: Yeah.

  BARGIE: I just am who I am and I ain't gonna say I ain't. Cause I am! Toot toot toot!

  DAR: I loved that one. What is that a quote from?

  BARGIE: It's from my, uh, not my movie, but it's from my, uh, my record. Uh, I was a singer briefly.

  PLECK: Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm. Well, uh, Bargie, uh, are you able to talk about, like, maybe, um, who is it, who sent this email?

  NERMUT: This is from, uh, Mark Wilder.

  PLECK: Mark Wilder.

  NERMUT: Yeah.

  C-53: I guess Mark Wilder's just never encountered a true artificial intelligence before.

  NERMUT: Right.

  PLECKL: Sure. Sure.

  NERMUT: Well, and perhaps the Evanstonian computers are incredibly prudish and rather than Bargie being promiscuous.

  C-53: Yeah, that's true.

  PLECK: It's all about perspective.

  BARGIE: No, I'm not. Yeah. Honestly, I'm probably the least promiscuous ship.

  PLECK: Really?

  NERMUT: That seems…

  C-53: That may not be entirely accurate, but she's definitely not the most promiscuous ship.

  PLECK: Oh, certainly not. Certainly not.

  C-53: Some of those ships you see on silge websites. Yikes.

  PLECK: How often do you go to those?

  DAR: Ooh. C, without your restraining bullet, you're a little freaky!

  C-53: Well, you know, I like to experience what the galaxy has to offer.

  PLECK: Sure. Yeah, it's good. I mean, it's all in the name of knowledge, right?

  C-53: Exactly.

  NERMUT: Alright, I think this is the last one, guys.

  DAR: Oh. Alright.

  NERMUT: [flips paper] Dear crew of the Bargarean Jade, I'm a big fan!

  DAR: Oh!

  PLECK: Oh. Hopefully my email is able to get through the torrent of other fan letters… Made it through, Kate Kleiman! …that I'm sure you get now. I'm specifically a huge fan of Dar!

  PLECK: [enthusiastic] Hey!

  NERMUT: I have a couple questions.

  DAR: Okay.

  NERMUT: Dar, I'd love to hear more about your life before the Federated Alliance.

  DAR: Hmm.

  NERMUT: Can you share any exciting stories from your time as a smuggler?

  DAR: Gosh, okay.

  C-53: Oh, good question.

  DAR: My favorite story about being a smuggler had to have been my last birthday before I had to work for the Federated Alliance.

  PLECK: Your birthday?

  DAR: Mm-hmm. It comes every six years, and… I shouldn't age myself, but I was celebrating.

  C-53: Sure.

  DAR: And I also needed to run a special package to a certain someone.

  PLECK: Hmm.

  NERMUT: Sounds like smuggling.

  DAR: Ah.

  PLECK: I can't tell based on your tone of voice when you say a certain someone, do you mean like a lover or like a crime lord?

  DAR: Oh, I actually mean one of Bargie's old movie star friends.

  C-53: Oh.

  BARGIE: Jarsh!

  DAR: It was Jarsh. And the package was…

  C-53: Was it dust?

  DAR: No, actually, he had a weird eating thing. He absolutely wanted to have sveets, but they had to be fresh from the factory.

  PLECK: Whoa.

  DAR: Before they cooled down.

  C-53: You can get those in any grocery store in the galaxy!

  DAR: Yes. I know, but he liked them…

  NERMUT: There's only one factory, though.

  DAR: He liked them hot out the factory, so I had to smuggle these sweets to him before they cooled down and assumed their normal dull, gelatinous taste.

  PLECK: Yeah. That's a real family-friendly snuggl—smuggle, Dar.

  DAR: It was a snuggle. Once I got there, he was having a raging orgy.

  CREW: Oh.

  PLECK: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  DAR: And so I brought in the sveets, and it turned out that it wasn't about having to eat the sveets. It was about how he liked how it felt when he put the warm, moist sveet RIGHT onto his… face.

  PLECK: Oh. Yeah. Hm.

  DAR: While everybody else was obviously jucking around him.

  PLECK: Sure.

  C-53: Sure. Classic smuggle snuggle.

  DAR: Yeah.

  [outro music]