Mailbag #1!
Wondering what has the crew been up to since the The Delegator was dealt such a CRIPPLING blow? Well, the only thing we can say for sure is that they have been answering some of YOUR questions.
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[Bargie’s ambient engine noises rumble]
NERMUT: Uh, so one cool thing, check out this little bundle that I was able to secret out of the Delegator when you rescued me.
[Nermut sets a large paper bundle down]
C-53: Former Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy-
NERMUT: Yeah?
C-53: Did you spend time during your escape to retrieve our fan mail?
NERMUT: [proudly] AbSOlutely.
DAR: Ah, priorities. Very good, very good.
BARGIE: Good job. That’s important.
NERMUT: Yeah, I brought the fan mail with me to get myself pumped up for my promotion ceremony.
PLECK: That feels like a real Bargie move, honestly. Bargie?
BARGIE: [angrily] You don't know what I do. Okay? You can’t pred-
PLECK: I just know you like your fans!
BARGIE: [cheerfully] That's true. Very good job there. I was just lying with you. I was messing with you.
PLECK: [confused] You were just ly-I don't think I was just lying with you is a phrase.
BARGIE: It is! Let's read the fan stuff.
NERMUT: [flips paper] Alright, this is from someone named Joseph Price.
DAR: Okay.
NERMUT: Crew, I am writing from the Alaska sector.
PLECK: Huh.
C-53: Not familiar with that…
NERMUT: To state that DAR is the best crew member. Sorry, Bargie and C-53.
BARGIE: Wow, they didn't even MENTION Pleck!
PLECK: [glumly] Didn’t even mention me…
NERMUT: Oh yeah, that's interesting.
PLECK: [sarcastic] Thanks a lot, JOSEPH.
DAR: I mean, I would like to say it in a non-sarcastic way, thank you Joseph!
PLECK: Oh, okay, good, yeah.
NERMUT: And that's not it, I think that Dar's ability to lead under pressure far surpasses that other guy's ability. Whoa.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: Wow, won't even name you.
BARGIE: Wow.
PLECK: Does this count as fan mail?
DAR: I mean, they are a fan of yours truly.
NERMUT: In closing, Dar is jucking awesome. [mumbling] All hail the Federated Alliance.
DAR: Well, they don't know. They don’t know!
NERMUT: That makes sense, yeah.
C-53: Looking at the date on this, yeah, they couldn't be aware.
NERMUT: So, yeah, Joseph Price, big fan of Dar. How do you feel, Dar?
DAR: I feel great, and now I am, in turn, a big fan of Joseph Price and the Alaska sector.
PLECK: Alright, next fan mail!
NERMUT: [flips paper] Dear crew, where do you all fall on the recent 250 Blarv Kwarzon asteroid banking proposal?
DAR: Oh, wow.
BARGIE: Who is this from?
NERMUT: This is from Masa Gibson.
C-53: This sounds like a classic scam letter.
NERMUT: Well, yeah, because I should say it's signed Jax Pac-Man, but then in the "from" information it's Masa Gibson.
C-53: No, Jax Pac-Man is a famous banking fraud across the galaxy.
NERMUT: Oh! Are they trying to get us to, in our answers, reveal some sort of proprietary codes?
C-53: Yeah, I think so.
BARGIE: Yeah.
NERMUT: Wait, wait, I didn't see the second part. This can't be a scammer. When you get a chance, could you please send Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundalay's parents a transmission to let them know what a good job he's doing?
DAR: Oh.
BARGIE: That’s the biggest scam I’ve ever hea-
C-53: Is that really in the letter?
NERMUT: It's really in there!
BARGIE: It's very much a scam.
NERMUT: Hmm?
C-53: [dismissively] Former Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundalay. That is, of course, a scam.
NERMUT: Somehow they'll gain access to my…?
C-53: They're going to get access to your account.
NERMUT: [sighs]
C-53: I can't in good conscience send an email to your parents.
NERMUT: They probably think I'm dead.
C-53: [chipper] Oh, maybe that's for the best.
NERMUT: What?
PLECK: Oh, C-53!
DAR: Yeah, we don't want the Federated Alliance to find us.
PLECK: Yeah, that's true.
NERMUT: I guess.
C-53: That was my point. [annoyed] I'm not made of stone, Pleck, I don't think it would be GOOD for his parents to think he was dead.
PLECK: I know. I don’t-
NERMUT: You literally said, for the best.
PLECK: Yeah, okay.
C-53: For the best for us.
PLECK: Alright.
NERMUT: Hmm.
C-53: Maybe just move on to the next one.
PLECK: Yeah. Next one.
NERMUT: [flips paper] Alright. This is from Andy Hunter. Question for the crew.
C-53: Uh… An Andy Hunter?
NERMUT: Yes.
PLECK: Oh, sure. Yeah, those are dangerous.
BARGIE: They’re dangerous!
C-53: Yeah, they're very dangerous.
NERMUT: Did Peter Threefab reference something about the Andy Hunters?
PLECK: Oh. Is it a bounty hunter that only hunts Andys?
NERMUT: Assume so.
C-53: I mean, grammatically it makes sense.
NERMUT: It would make sense that if you were hunting an Andy, you'd really want someone who specializes.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: Sure. That's true.
C-53: We'll have to ask Peter Threefab.
BARGIE: What did Andy say about me? C’mon!
NERMUT: Oh, so, okay. Oh! You know what? This does mention you, Bargie.
BARGIE: Oh! Uhuh.
NERMUT: Okay. Hi everyone. So that's, I guess
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: Okay, that’s nice.
BARGIE: Oh, that’s it, okay.
NERMUT: More than just even all of us. We'll have to alert literally everyone.
DAR: I think it's a catch-all for the crew.
PLECK: Yeah, probably just us.
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: I love hearing about your missions. I was wondering how much spare time you have between missions, and how much of that free time you spend with one another?
PLECK: Oh.
DAR: Well.
C-53: That's a great question.
DAR: [upset] A surprising LACK of free time between missions.
PLECK: Yeah. Yeah.
C-53: Well, we find some free time. That's when I work on my sleight of hand.
PLECK: Yep. Yep.
DAR: You are very good at it.
NERMUT: Very good.
PLECK: It's very good.
C-53: Well, I find it helps to have something to occupy the mind.
PLECK: Sure. Yeah.
C-53: Also, not every frame I've ever been in has hands, so it's nice to use them when you have them.
PLECK: Oh, yeah. In terms of how much time we spend together, I mean, we're around each other a lot.
DAR: Yeah, it always feels like we're in each other's spaaaaace.
NERMUT: Yeah.
BARGIE: Although, a couple of us, me, C-53, and Dar, we took a little vacation together the other day. It was great.
DAR: Oh, yeah. We had a furlough. It was really fun!
C-53: That was really nice.
PLECK: Where di-When was this?
DAR: We went on a picnic.
PLECK: What?
BARGIE: We went on the— on the planet, that's specifically for picnics, and it was beautiful, and we just sat down.
PLECK: There's a picnic planet?
DAR: Yeah.
BARGIE: I sat down.
DAR: C-53 and I did a paddle boat.
C-53: Yeah. Ambassador Decksetter, that is the planet where I said the UV rays are too powerful for Tellurians to withstand.
PLECK: Oh.
DAR: Mm-hmm.
C-53: The sad part is that actually makes the sunsets extremely beautiful. Far more beautiful than you could ever imagine.
PLECK: Oh, no.
C-53: I'm sorry you couldn't join us on that planet. The UV radiation would have cooked your skin.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: [sadly] Yeah. Almost would have been worth it just to hang out with my friends.
DAR: Oh, definitely not. No, no, no.
PLECK: Okay. Alright. Fair enough.
NERMUT: Is that the same day the batteries died on Flappy Garfon?
PLECK: Yep.
DAR: Yeah.
C-53: That's a shame.
PLECK: [sheepishly] That's my data pad. I shouldn't probably refer to it as the name of the game, but it's really all I use it for.
NERMUT: Yeah.
C-53: You know, that data pad has a lot of information on it that I have put there for you to read.
PLECK: Okay. Fair enough.
DAR: Like Bargie’s biography.
PLECK: Yeah. Bargie’s AUTObiography.
DAR: Bargie, did you write your biography or did-
BARGIE: I’m gonna say I wrote it just so you'd be more impressed, but we all know who really wrote it.
DAR: Ah, yeah.
BARGIE: Stephen Kukonk.
DAR: Oh.
C-53: Stephen Kukonk is good.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Yeah. Famous ghost writer.
NERMUT: Well, he was a very good writer even when he was alive.
C-53: Yeah. When he was a ghost, I think his writing became even more profound.
PLECK: Sure.
DAR: But yes, we spend a lot of time together.
NERMUT: And the follow up is, is the Bargarean Jade large enough for you all to have any alone time?
DAR: Oh, I have plenty of alone time.
PLECK: Yeah. Dar has a lot of alone time. I ha—
BARGIE: I have alone time all the time.
PLECK: Really?
DAR: Oh. In a good way or a lonely way?
BARGIE: It depends what day of the week.
PLECK: Sure. Sure.
DAR: Fair.
PLECK: I mean, I think partially it must be kind of like an interesting thing because you've got us inside of you, but then outside is like the vast void of space.
BARGIE: Yeah, it's like imagining walking down the street and there's three itchy things inside of you, but also you're in space.
NERMUT: Were you not counting C-53 as itchy or were you just not counting me at all?
BARGIE: [laughing] I honestly, I forgot about you, to be honest. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Let me change it to four!
NERMUT: Yeah…
C-53: Do we have any more emails?
NERMUT: Oh, alright. So here we go. [flips paper] Kai Kazuto. I feel like we—
C-53: I feel like I've met a Kai Kazuto.
NERMUT: Okay.
PLECK: Yeah, that's a very common name for, um-
NERMUT: Alright.
DAR: Sniper pilots.
NERMUT: Oh, it probably is a sniper pilot.
PLECK: That's what it is.
C-53: They pilot those very long, thin ships.
CREW: Yeah.
NERMUT: Hi, crew. I think you guys could make a killing selling dust on online.
C-53: Well, sure.
DAR: Online?
NERMUT: On online.
DAR: On online?
NERMUT: Yeah.
DAR: What is this on online?
C-53: I mean, anyone can make a killing selling dust on online. It's just a matter of not getting caught.
PLECK: Anyone can make a killing selling dust anywhere. Yeah. It's very illegal.
DAR: Except at Slog’s.
PLECK: Right.
C-53: Well, sure. But Slog’s is its own special thing.
NERMUT: I mean, on online selling is quite regulated. You'd have to be daring to—
PLECK: —to do it right on the online.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Yeah.
NERMUT: And listen to this. Planet… Earth is a totally unexploited market. Humans…
C-53: [confused] Don't seem to have a log for… Eyurth? Are you pronouncing it right?
NERMUT: Eart?
DAR: Eart?
NERMUT: Planet Eart?
DAR: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
NERMUT: You've heard of Eart?
PLECK: Oh, Eart is the lava planet.
NERMUT: Yeah. Oh, Earth is the lava planet.
DAR: [stifling a laugh] Yeah, it keeps getting hotter and hotter every year.
NERMUT: Yeah. It's a totally unexploited market. [effort] Hoomans and some animals love drugs here. They're writing from the lava planet?
DAR: Wow.
PLECK: I mean…
DAR: I mean, anything to make it better, right?
C-53: The appeal of dust is galaxy wide.
NERMUT: You could see huge ROI. Hashtag Massive Gains Bro. Hit me up if you want to start a dust lab.
C-53: [explanatory] Massive Gainesboro is a larger area outside the original Gainesboro.
PLECK: Yeah, well, it's sort of the…
NERMUT: Yeah, it's the metro area.
PLECK: It's the greater metropolitan Gainesboro.
C-53: Yeah, Massive Gainesboro.
NERMUT: Oh, Pleck Decksetter.
PLECK: Hey!
NERMUT: Question for you.
PLECK: Oh, hey. Okay!
NERMUT: Alright. [flips paper] This is from Pete Wall.
PLECK: Okay. Hi, Pete Wall!
NERMUT: He can't respond right now.
PLECK: Okay.
NERMUT: Hey, Pleck. Big fan of the diplomacy. Keep it up.
PLECK: Okay. Hey, great! Cool!
NERMUT: I'm curious. What sort of farming did you do on [trying to pronounce] Rangah VI? I think that means Rangus VI. In fairness, it sounds the same.
PLECK: Rangus VI. Yeah.
NERMUT: Rangus VI. Rangah VI….
PLECK: Sure.
NERMUT: What kind of farming did you do?
PLECK: Oh, well, you know, it's like… Have you ever had like a…
C-53: Pleck, I have to ask. Did you send this question yourself?
PLECK: [offended] No! No! Actually, I… No. I've never…
C-53: What kind of farming did you do on Rangus VI?
PLECK: That's an important and interesting question.
NERMUT: If I was going to send an email as myself, I would misspell something I knew on purpose because it would be very… nonsuspicious.
C-53: It's a classic misdirect.
PLECK: Yeah. It's a classic misdirect. That's true. Well, just in case Pete Wall is a real person, which he IS.
NERMUT: Sure.
PLECK: I will tell you, my family's farm actually grew…
C-53: The Decksetter farm.
PLECK: Well, yeah. Decksetter Acres, we called it.
C-53: Oh, okay.
PLECK: We grew… I don't know if Pete Wall is familiar with Zi-Ball, but a field of a Zi-Ball stadium uses a very specialized material on the ground, and that's what we grew.
C-53: Grass. You're talking about grass.
PLECK: Yeah, it is grass.
DAR: I thought that just grew on its own.
PLECK: Yeah. I-
DAR: Like it didn't need to be tended.
PLECK: Yeah, well…
C-53: What would you need to do to ensure the grass grew?
PLECK: Okay, I'm so glad you asked, C-53. Water it. Cut it. That's it.
NERMUT: Doesn't it just rain sometimes?
C-53: You have to cut it for it to grow?
PLECK: I mean…
C-53: What would happen if you didn't cut it?
PLECK: It would be way too long to play Zi-Ball.
C-53: Okay, well, so it sounds like you really only need to water it.
PLECK: Yeah, and it… Well, as Nermut mentioned, it does rain often on… Rangus VI…
BARGIE: I just fell asleep. I'm sorry.
PLECK: What?
NERMUT: I don't think you should apologize, Bargie.
BARGIE: [monotone] I'm asleep.
PLECK: [laughs]
C-53: Former Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, perhaps there is another email.
NERMUT: Sure, yeah. Alright.
PLECK: Did Bargie go into sleep mode because my answer was so boring?
C-53: I think that is the implication, yes.
PLECK: Alright, next email.
NERMUT: She briefly woke up to inform you of that fact before instantly falling back asleep.
DAR: Mm!
NERMUT: [flips paper] Alright, this is from Zoe Daniels. Greetings to the Bargarean Jade and its crew. [singing] Wuh wuh wuh wuh wake up, Bargie!
BARGIE: I'm awake.
NERMUT: Hey!
C-53: Was that really in the email?
NERMUT: No, the…
DAR: Oh, you were just improvising.
NERMUT: I was riffing…
C-53: Well, it seems unfair to ascribe those words to Zoe Daniels.
NERMUT: No, no, back to Zoe. I'm a Tellurian female who is about to start my second year at AFA, the Academy of the Federated Alliance.
C-53: Oh.
BARGIE: Oh, wow.
NERMUT: Yeah. I mean, I guess Zoe has no reason to suspect that it is a crooked…
PLECK: Hey, I mean, if it worked for us, I mean, we got out of there. Maybe, you know, maybe she will too.
NERMUT: Yeah. I'm in a bit of a Garfonian pickle, as the saying goes.
PLECK: Oh, yeah.
NERMUT: I've just finished up all my…
C-53: A Garfonian pickle?
NERMUT: Yeah. It's a pickle flavored with Garfon. Garfonian pickle.
C-53: Oh, okay.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: It's disgusting.
C-53: [grossed out] Yeah, it sounds bad.
PLECK: It is disgusting.
C-53: Oh, so that is where the metaphor comes from. I'm in a Garfonian pickle. I'm in something very bad.
PLECK: Yeah, bad situation.
NERMUT: I've just finished up all my general education and I'm at the point where I really should select a focus for my studies. The trouble is, I can't decide whether I should go for ambassadorship and intergalactic relations or if I should start training in the security sciences. Pleck, Dar, do you think you could give me some advice? Which one should I choose? Wow, it's really pitting…
DAR: Wow.
NERMUT:… you guys against each other.
PLECK: Well, you know, I mean, I will say, as an ambassador, the adventure of meeting new species is just unbeatable. But…
DAR: Oh, you're going to argue both sides? Thank you.
PLECK: I was going to argue both sides of being an ambassador.
DAR: Oh.
PLECK: But the downside is that you're working for sort of a galactic-wide corrupt agency full of monsters.
DAR: Right.
PLECK: Dar?
DAR: Well, I would say the best course of action for you is DANCE! [Dar breaks out into tapping]
NERMUT: Oh, wow. The dark horse.
PLECK: Dar, did you ever regret that you didn't just follow your dream as a dancer?
DAR: Um, I mean, I know that I could never have made it on the circuit, but…
PLECK: Oh, I don't know about that.
DAR: I'm just a little too… I'm a little too big.
PLECK: Oh. Well, maybe you could be the person on the bottom, like lifting up the smaller dancers.
DAR: I don't want to be the… the LIFTER. I want to be, you know, I want someone to catch me when I leap into their arms and not, you know, get squished and sent to the hospital.
PLECK: How much do you weigh, Dar?
C-53: WOW.
DAR: That is REALLY rude.
C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, you should know by now that is not an appropriate question.
PLECK: Yeah, you're right.
NERMUT: I weigh two pounds, one ounce.
C-53; Wow. That is LOW.
DAR: Oof. You could never catch me.
NERMUT: Oh.
C-53: [disbelief] Two pounds?
NERMUT: Two pounds, one ounce.
C-53: How hollow are those bones?
DAR: Also, what's that one ounce?
NERMUT: Hollow. What's the one…
DAR: [laughs]
PLECK: Good one, Dar.
C-53: Very nice, Dar.
NERMUT: Alright, and this is actually signed Flindy MercSnap. They must have borrowed an email account from Zoe Daniels. So, Flindy, the answer is dance.
C-53: If I may interject on Flindy's question, follow your dreams.
PLECK: Oh, yeah.
NERMUT: That's a good one.
PLECK: Yeah, that's good.
NERMUT: That's really good.
PLECK: C-53, are you following your dreams?
C-53: I've just never had a dream, and it seems like—
PLECK: Oh, sure.
C-53: If I had one, I would follow it immediately. They sound fascinating.
PLECK: Yeah, that's true. That's true.
NERMUT: You did have quite a hallucination on…
PLECK: Magnifiku?
NERMUT: Magnifiku.
C-53: Sure, but those are demonstrably false.
NERMUT: [flips paper] Right. Alright. I'm a new listener who recently discovered your show. That must be the talent show.
PLECK: I guess so.
NERMUT: Through some whisperings on the intergalactic space forum known as Space Reddit. Mmm! Wow.
C-53: Have you never been on Space Reddit?
NERMUT: No. Is it good?
C-53: It's a great place for holos of animals.
NERMUT: Oh! I have really been enjoying your adventures thus far as they make my journeys between my space job and space home very enjoyable. Joshua Coppedge.
C-53: They’re using the word space a lot.
PLECK: [doubtful] I feel like this guy's not really from space.
NERMUT: Huh? He said he's got a space home and he reads Space Reddit.
C-53: No, I feel like this guy works on a planet.
PLECK: Yeah, he works on a planet somewhere.
NERMUT: I have a question for C.
C-53: Oh.
NERMUT: I wonder if he would still have a question after hearing that condescension.
DAR: Hmm. Probably not.
C-53: I apologize, I'm perhaps reading overly into your email.
NERMUT: Okay. I have a question for C. Insofar as your restraining bolt will allow, [laughs] all bets are off there, what are some of the more interesting adventures slash roles you have carried in your past? A sex robot turned protocol droid is an interesting career path. I was wondering if there are any other interesting details from your past. Keep up the quote… "good ambassadorial work."
PLECK: Oh, that's rude.
NERMUT: I think sometimes people use quotes as emphasis.
PLECK: Yeah. That's probably one of those. Yeah.
C-53: Well, Joshua, I have many interesting stories. However, many of those memories were corrupted by the, shall we say, aggressive mind wiping at the hands of the Federated Alliance.
PLECK: That's a shame.
C-53: However, I'm sure I can dredge one up if I think hard enough about it. [beeps] Oh, there was a time I served as a professional Nortan dealer. Are you familiar with the game of chance Nortan? Most people lose money playing it.
PLECK: I mean, yeah, I've never actually played it, but every once in a while it would be on like on a holo, like the—
C-53: The Galactic Series of Nortan.
PLECK: Yeah.
NERMUT: Is that the one that just has really low odds and the low payout?
C-53: Yeah. It’s not popular among gamblers.
PLECK: And you die if you lose.
DAR: Which one has the river? Is that the one where they drown you in the river?
C-53: Yes, that's Nortan.
DAR: If you lose. Oh, okay.
PLECK: Wow.
C-53: It's always played nearby a moving body of water, and if you lose enough hands in a row, you're drowned in the river.
PLECK: Yeah.
NERMUT: Wow.
PLECK: Yikes. Now, what was that like being a dealer? Was that a dangerous job?
C-53: Well, I actually enjoyed the dealing very much. It was a job where I had hands, so I was able to use my sleight of hand, not to cheat anyone, but just for flair. I will say the part of the job I did not enjoy was drowning people in the river.
PLECK: [disbelief] That was your job?
NERMUT: You dealt AND drowned.
C-53: That was the dealer.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
C-53: It felt… a little vindictive?
PLECK: Yeah. Yeah.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Do you feel guilty about that ever?
C-53: Why would I feel guilty about it? Nobody told them to play Nortan.
NERMUT: Well, it's a shame it was so addictive.
C-53: You could see the river from where we were playing!
NERMUT: Full of floating corpses.
PLECK: The threat was just right there. Yeah. Yeah.
C-53: Also, if you lose nine hands of Nortan, get out of the game! Don't play a tenth hand!
PLECK: That's a good point. That's a good point.
DAR: But it's addictive!
C-53: It's a very addictive game. It can be extremely fun.
NERMUT: So, there you have it, Joshua Coppedge.
C-53: Joshua, I hope that answers some of your questions about my past life. Obviously it is-
NERMUT: Right. Murderous croupier!
PLECK: Oh, wow. Look at the vocabulary on this little 19-inch wonder.
NERMUT: I looked it up. It's signed Space Josh from Space Ireland, so it sounds like he is from space.
C-53: Now that is-Space Josh is… just wouldn't give that name to a child.
PLECK: But Space Ireland is a real place.
C-53: Oh, I love Space Ireland. Beautiful, very green.
NERMUT: Yeah. Guys, I'm so glad I was able to grab those on the way out.
C-53: No, you're right. That was a good decision.
DAR: That was, actually. Great job.
NERMUT: Yeah. I mean, it was grabbing those or a lot of Alliance plans that I could have. I really had to choose.
PLECK: Wait, what?
C-53: [exasperated] Wait, you had a choice between Federated Alliance plans?
NERMUT: Well, I had the stack of mail and the stack of mission plans and things like that.
C-53: And you opted for the mail.
NERMUT: Well, yeah, it was very exciting, obviously, to hear those.
C-53: [sighs]
PLECK: Also, they were e-mails. You could have just—
C-53: You could have downloaded both to a data storage device, and then…
PLECK: Just logged in from another computer.
C-53: And then…
NERMUT: You know, there's no one I trust more than the hand of the governor of Milch. And they said that print is the future.
PLECK: …is the future. Yeah, I guess that's true.
NERMUT: And the plans are probably whatever. Who knows? Probably not important.
PLECK: Interesting.
NERMUT: They were marked important.
C-53: I guess we'll never know.
PLECK: [chuckles]
[outro music]