420: The Unbearable Tightness of Bean [Season 4 Finale]

Nermut gets a promotion

  • C-RED-IT5: This is the season four finale of Mission to Zyxx. Thank you for listening, for supporting the show, and for weathering this wack year with us. 

     

    NARRATOR: So, it all comes down to this. Probably. I mean, Rodd, who knows anything anymore? Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter has piloted a makeshift rocket straight into the writhing, all-consuming inferno of the Allwheat, destroying Ted Ronka's massive plastic containment device en route. But unbeknownst to Pleck, the Allwheat's horrible power can only manifest once the Chosen One has entered. It's almost as though Beano knew. Meanwhile, the race for galactic leader nears its conclusion, and Commander Seesu Gundu prepares to debate with a trillionaire, a space pimp, and an enigmatic newcomer who seems... totally normal. Now, Captain Dar and the crew of the Bargarean Jade must set aside fear, focus their might, and ready their butt guns for the ultimate showdown. Never has danger been this imminent, or this confusing, on their... Mission to Zyxx.

    [intro music plays]

     

    [AJ crying]

    C-53: AJ, uhm-

    [AJ cries louder]

    C-53: I know you're going through a difficult time.

    [AJ wails]

    BARGIE: [flying closer to the crew] Hey guys? Hey guys? Quick question-

    DAR: Hey, Bargie.

    BARGIE: Uh, where's Pleck? 

    DAR: Oh boy. 

    C-53: Uhh.

    AJ: [wailing] He's dead!

    BARGIE: What?

    C-53: Yeah-

    AJ: He's dead. 

    DAR: Well-

    C-53: I guess..

    BARGIE: What!        

    [AJ continues crying]

    DAR: What AJ's trying to say through his grief is, uh, Pleck launched himself into the Allwheat, and now he's gone. 

    BARGIE: Huh.

    [the crew finishes boarding Bargie, the door shuts]

    C-53: He's gone, which doesn't necessarily mean he's dead. Who's to say whether a Tellurian can survive crossing the horizon of the Allwheat and the associated spaghettification that happens upon entering the gravity well.

    AJ: He's dead. We all know it. 

    BARGIE: You don't know until you know. There have been many people in my past who told me that they're dead. They call me up and they're like, "Bargie, I'm dead. Never call me again." Turns out, years later, they're alive. 

    AJ: Is that true? Wait, did he tell anyone that he was dead before he went in there? Did he do that? 

    C-53: He did not do that. No. 

    DAR: No… 

    BARGIE: Didn’t tell me.

    AJ: Can we just roll the footage one more time? Roll the footage. 

    C-53: AJ, I don’t think this is healthy for you.

    [AJ pulls out his butt gun]

    DAR: C, he pulled his butt gun on you. Just do it. 

    AJ: Roll the footage, Rodddamnit! 

    C-53: All right, all right. All right, AJ, I'm just gonna push the gun inside here and…

    [footage starts playing]

    BARGIE: What am I looking at?

    C-53: Okay, so you see that’s Pleck in Kalipar's wooden rocket? 

    BARGIE: Uhuh.

    C-53: The arm comes out to pull the handbag of the Geriatric Gal Pal here to start the reaction- 

    AJ: Collectors item..

    C-53: Wait, are you... more broken up about the action figure, or? 

    AJ: It's all grief, man. Just keep going. 

    C-53: Okay, okay, And then there's sort of a blaze when he enters the Allwheat, and... Who knows what happens after that? 

    [footage stops playing]

    BARGIE: No hesitation. He just…

    C-53: He went straight in there.

    BARGIE: Straight. 

    [AJ and his tube start groaning]

    C-53: And yeah, well, you'll find yourself asking, "Why?" in moments like this. But that's very normal. 

    [AJ throws his tube across the room]

    AJ: Oh, I feel awful. Captain Dar, I bet you feel really bad, because... You remember how Papa's last words to you was like a heartfelt apology, and you were all like, "Not now, Pleck!" You remember that? 

    C-53: Yeah, okay AJ, maybe we just don’t- y’know.

    AJ: That was, like, probably the last thing you said to him? 

    [Dar begins crying]

    C-53: Yeah, okay, alright.

    AJ: [crying with Dar] Ahh, I’m comin’ back to you!

    BARGIE: Wait, are we crying? I wanna cry, too! 

    [Bargie begins crying] 

    C-53: Okay, I am a protocol and diplomatic relations droid, so… allow me to just activate my empathy protocol here and-

    [C-53 starts crying too]

    [crew sobbing all at once]

    C-53: [through tears] I don’t know why we picked on him for his They Teen so hard, it's not that weird. 

    DAR: [through tears] Did you see this pile of trash that he slept on? I should have given him one of the mattresses. 

    AJ: [through tears] There were so many mattresses.

    BARGIE: There's that big room I was gonna give him as a birthday gift, but I don't even know his birthday! I never asked!

    AJ: I've never seen that room! 

    C-53: [crying] He would have loved that room.

    AJ: Eject his stuff into space. We just- We just put it out there. 

    BARGIE: Opening up my hatch. [alarm blares, hatch opens] Throwing it all out!

    C-53: Here's his mattress boxes!

    AJ: His shorts!

    DAR: All these shorts! 

    C-53: Oh, they’re all so dirty.

    BARGIE: It’s so tiny!

    DAR: I don't know why he didn't do any of his laundry!

    AJ: The tracking fob I programmed for him that's still beeping. 

    [tracking fob beeps]

    [C-53, Dar and Bargie stop crying]

    DAR: What?

    C-53: Wait- Wh-

    BARGIE: What?

    C-53: Did you say “tracking fob?” 

    AJ: [still crying] Yeah. I- I programmed a tracking fob to locate him at all times. I do it for all of you. 

    C-53: AJ, what are you talking about? 

    AJ: You know, like a tracking fob. Like I'm like, "Oh, better set the fob." 

    DAR: Wait.

    AJ: I have a tracking fob of like everyone.

    C-53: What do you mean, “of like everyone?”

    AJ: I don't know. I get like a fob, and I activate the fob and it tracks... 

    BARGIE: Sweet, precious AJ. 

    AJ: Y’know, it's a complicated technology. 

    BARGIE: My dear AJ. The light of my life, AJ. 

    DAR: All right, now we know who Bargie's favorite is, even though I was pretty certain it was me up ‘til now. 

    BARGIE: Baby, baby AJ. What does that tracking device say? 

    AJ: Oh, it's just beeping. That means, you know, he's... Oh, okay. That means that he's... 

    DAR: Alive? 

    AJ: They only go out when you die. 

    C-53: Are you kidding!? 

    DAR: Pleck's still alive! 

    BARGIE: Yeah! Ohhh, we knew it! I knew it the whole time. 

    AJ: I saved him! 

    BARGIE: I totally knew it. 

    C-53: AJ, why wouldn't you just check the fob first?

    AJ: Well, I've got a whole room of them, C. Look! 

    C-53: He's the person who we thought- 

    [C-53 gets drowned out by the amount of beeping fobs]

    DAR: That is a lot of beeping. 

    C-53: Wow! That is a lot of fobs. 

    AJ: Yeah, I can't sleep. 

    C-53: You need to get rid of some of these fobs. 

    DAR: Wait, I always just thought that beeping was like an ambient Bargie noise. 

    BARGIE: Nah, I don't beep. I don't believe in beeping. 

    C-53: Believe in beeping? 

    BARGIE: I'm not a beeper. I don't beep. 

    [transition sound]


    [Pump Up The Justice theme music playing]

    HASTOOIE: Sentients, welcome back to the first and the final debate for Galactic Leader. I am, of course, Hastooie Winko, former number one Zi-Ball announcer, former celebrity judge. 

    [sound effect: Oh, yeah. Pivoting careers!]

    HASTOOIE: We’re ready to… pump up the politics!

    [sound effect: Pump it up!]

    HASTOOIE: Let's head to our next question. What will you do as Galactic Leader to resuscitate the flagging, crushed economy of the galaxy? Ted Ronka on the stage.

    RONKA: Now, of course, Ronka Cybernetics Corporation has been doing a lot since the beginning to create jobs. My factories, and plastic mines rank highest in the galaxy's job satisfaction surveys. 

    [airhorns, audience cheering]

    HASTOOIE: Seesu Gundu!

    SEESU: Under the Seesu Gundu policy, borders will be open for trading because I ultimately believe, as different as we may be in how we look, how we act, how we smell, inside of us, we're all the same. Keep it tight! 

    HASTOOIE: And IQQ, nasty! 

    IQQ: I have noticed as of late that people are going hungry, and that is terrible. You should be like us on the Zenk system, wherein sex work is the work of the day. And I'll be spreading this experiment galaxy-wide. And… I believe in Rodd.

    [airhorns]

    HASTOOIE: And of course, don't forget our fourth candidate, Allen Chestthumper. 

    ALLEN: When you elect me, Allen Chestthumper, as leader of the galaxy, everyone will have a job! 

    HASTOOIE: Uhh.

    RONKA: You gonna elaborate on that?

    SEESU: How?

    ALLEN: The people are ready for an infestation of new values.

    SEESU: Can I just bring up the fact that he only has appeared during this debate? He's not been part of the race this entire time. I just feel it's a little unfair. 

    [Allen starts groaning]

    ALLEN: Kill me! 

    [Allen becomes disfigured]

    ONLOOKER: What is that? Oh no!

    FIRE LADY: He exploded! 

    [The Grower Mind explodes from Allen’s body]

    GROWER MIND: All bow before the undying will of the Grower Mind. 

    [airhorns]

    HASTOOIE: This is television, people!

    GROWER MIND: I will finish my answer unburdened by the perfect facade. I will now promise you, you will never fear death. You will never go hungry. And you will not be without purpose in the swarm. 

    K’HEKK: We are the K’hekk, we are the K’hekk, we are the K’hekk!

    RONKA: Man, this audience is like 30% K’hekk. 

    SEESU: Can I just point out that he didn't fill out the proper paperwork? The word "K’hekk" and "Grower Mind" are not in any of the forms.

    NERMUT: [skittering up] Sorry- uhm, Seesu I'm sorry, am I on camera? 

    SEESU: Nermut, I'm in the- I’m literally in the middle of a debate right now. 

    NERMUT: I just, they said this was more important than anything. Here's a little note. Good luck, you're doing great, I think. 

    SEESU: Um... I'm sorry everyone, I've gotten some upsetting news. Um... It appears the Allwheat has taken my son.

    [airhorns, sounds of disappointment from the crowd]

    SEESU: And it is my duty as a mother, and hopefully future galactic leader, please vote, to save… my… son!

    GROWER MIND: Wowie, wow. As father of trillions of children, I can empathize. 

    SEEUSU: But don't worry, I will still be present in this debate. Please direct all my questions to my Hologram. 

    HASTOOIE: Well folks, this has been crazy, and that is not up for debate. 

    [transition sound]


    C-53: Okay, AJ, the- the tracking fob, where is he? 

    AJ: Okay, he is... He's in that direction. 

    C-53: Okay, well that's the Allwheat. 

    AJ: He’s in there! We gotta get him! 

    C-53: AJ, even if Pleck is inside the Allwheat, Bargie can’t withstand the massive amount of stress it would put on her hull. 

    BARGIE: What? 

    AJ: [crying] We got to go in there and get him. 

    DAR: AJ's right. 

    AJ: Wait, what? I'm right? 

    DAR: Yeah, we gotta get him. 

    AJ: Can we put our hands in the middle? And like, say that we're all going to do it?

    DAR: I think this is like an imminent death kind of thing.

    AJ: Got my hand in the middle, my hand’s in the middle Captain Dar…

    DAR: I don't know that this is like a team celebration thing. 

    C-53: Yeah, it sort of feels like It's like a suicide mission. I don’t know if hands in the center is the right vibe. 

    BARGIE: Listen guys, I love you all, I think you're all great, but my career is starting to boom as a writer, okay? I'm a writer now. It's a hard life, a lonely life. But my words are getting said. So long story short, I'm not- I'm not in. You all have fun, I'll drop you off. 

    DAR: You'll drop us off? 

    AJ: Okay. So are we doing the hands thing or not? Because hand’s still out. 

    [jingly ringtone starts playing]

    DAR: Right, no, no, no-

    BARGIE: Okay, quiet down, I gotta take this call. 

    C-53: Oh. With… who, Barge?

    [Bargie picks up the phone]

    BARGIE: Wait, what did Dunkey do on set? [someone talks indistinctly on the other line] Wow. Really? That's… yeah, that's illegal. 

    AJ: Dunkey…

    BARGIE: Oh, he said I was responsible? Uh-huh. And what now? I thought I heard you said “fired.” [voice on the other line keeps talking] Okay, well, nice chatting with you. 

    [Bargie hangs up the phone]

    C-53: They’re ice cold on the set of Sherk 5. 

    BARGIE: Whatever's happening, I'm in. 

    AJ: Holowood tweest. 

    BARGIE: So wait, we're going to kill ourselves, is that's what's happening?

    AJ: All right, rescue mission into a terrible Allwheat. Let's do this, this is gonna be great! 

    DAR: All right, AJ, hands in, everyone. 

    AJ: Yeah, all right. Let's do this, hands in! 

    BARGIE: Well, I don't have hands, but I mean... 

    C-53: I’ll put mine on the bottom, it's a little heavier.

    [Horsehat comes into the room, babbling]

    AJ: Oh, the baby’s in too, let’s do this!

    C-53: Oh! Uh…

    DAR: Horsehat, we can discuss this later. 

    [Horsehat goes back in their room, door shuts]

    BARGIE: Should we feel bad that we threw away most of Pleck’s stuff? 

    [a pause]

    [C-53 sighs]

    DAR: No, it was all pretty bad stuff. 

    AJ: No, we're supposed to agree, we're just, yeah. 

    BARGIE: Yeah, and don't tell him about the room, I was just…

    C-53: Yeah, we never would, Bargie.

    BARGIE: Yeah, I didn't want to…

    [incoming transmission beeps]

    C-53: Oh, uh... Captain Dar, I have an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Negotiations Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy. 

    DAR: Hey, Nermut. 

    [Nermut crying]

    NERMUT: I'm so sorry. 

    C-53: Nermut, what's wrong? 

    NERMUT: Your mission is to take Seesu Gundu into the Allwheat. It’s a suicide mission.

    C-53: Uh, actually, that's, uh, we're fine with that, actually. 

    NERMUT: Y-you are? 

    C-53: We kind of planned on doing it already. 

    DAR: Yeah, that's fine. 

    AJ: Yeah, it’s a gimme. 

    NERMUT: What!?


    [ad break begins]

    [tiny phone rings, is picked up]

    WILLIP: Hello? 

    TIMPY: Willip, this is your cousin Timpy.

    WILLIP: Timpy? How are you calling from the other side of Planet Glove? 

    TIMPY: Oh, easy, with Mint Mobile, the first company to sell premium wireless service online only.

    WILLIP: What? Praise Little Rodd. Not since our civilization was in the helmet in the time of Timmis the Great, who died in prison, did we have such advanced technology. 

    TIMPY: And that's not all, Willip. Mint Mobile is introducing their unlimited data plans for just 30 tiny kroons a month. 

    WILLIP: What? Wow, that's a small number of kroon. Even for me, a single-celled organism in a fedora. That's worth giving up my phone and contacts, Timpy. 

    TIMPY: Oh, but you don't have to. You keep your phone, your number, and all your contacts. And you get unlimited talk and text and high-speed data delivered on the refrigerator's largest 5G network.

    WILLIP: Oh, my goodness, I'll arm-wrestle to that. If I had arms. 

    TIMPY: Yes, if you had arms. 

    WILLIP: Yeah. 

    TIMPY: You know, to get your new unlimited wireless plan for just 30 kroons a month and get the plan shipped to your teensy door for free, go to mintmobile.com/zyxx. WILLIP: Let me get that straight. [typing] Mintmobile.com/zyxx, you said? 

    TIMPY: Yes, correct. 

    WILLIP: Okay. 

    TIMPY: Get your unlimited wireless bill to 30 kroon a month at mintmobile.com/zyxx. WILLIP: Wow. Now, if we could just defeat this rotting bread roll that's menacing us from the shelf above. 

    TIMPY: Oh, the horrific Smallwheat-

    [ad break ends]

    [transition music]


    [Pleck falls through the Allwheat, time and space shifting around him]

    PLECK: Ahhh! My missing eye, it's switching sockets! My shorts are on the inside of my body! I can hear the stuff and taste the space! Ahhh!

    [echoes, time and space shifting]

    SAMMO: Woah. 

    [Pleck screams]

    SAMMO: Chill out, man. 

    PLECK: What? 

    WINK: He looks really out of it. 

    PLECK: What? Sammo? Wink? 

    SAMMO: Oh, man. Did you just get here? 

    PLECK: Are you real?

    SAMMO: You must be flying high. 

    PLECK: Are you real? Am- am I real?

    SAMMO: Great question. We're the realest we've ever been, man. 

    PLECK: Are- are you in the Allwheat too? 

    SAMMO: Oh, yeah, we came a few, you know, a few months ago, I think. I mean, who knows? Time is…

    WINK: Yeah, did you not get our letter? We sent you a letter. 

    SAMMO: We sent you a letter. 

    PLECK: No, I didn't. I didn’t get-

    SAMMO: We sent a bunch of letters to friends being like, "Hey, we're in search of the ultimate high."

    PLECK: I'm sorry, physical letters on paper, you said? 

    SAMMO: Yeah. 

    WINK: Yeah. 

    SAMMO: Print is the future, man. 

    WINK: Yeah. 

    PLECK: Okay. 

    SAMMO: Wink was like, "Hey, don't you think that Allwheat's like-- 

    WINK: Yeah, hey. Hey. 

    SAMMO: Yeah, wait, say what you said. 

    WINK: Hey. 

    SAMMO: Yeah. And I was like, "What?" Then Wink was like, "Don't you think the Allwheat's like, the ultimate high?" Say-

    WINK: Don't you think the Allwheat's like the ultimate high?

    SAMMO: Yeah, yeah, that's what she said. 

    WINK: Yeah, that's what I said. 

    SAMMO: Yeah, and I was like, "Yeah." So we hijacked a Floyda Launcher, bit a Pheenis’s face off, and shot ourselves into the- the Allwheat, man. Some time ago. Time's squishy here, man. Don't worry about it. 

    WINK: Yeah. 

    PLECK: You guys flew-

    WINK: You're going to love it here. You're going to love it so much. 

    PLECK: You guys came to the Allwheat to get high? 

    WINK: Yeah. 

    SAMMO: Yeah. It's a natural high, brah.

    PLECK: I don't- this is very- this seems very unnatural to me. 

    SAMMO: What? You mean that time and space and reality itself is folding on itself? You think that's unnatural? 

    WINK: Whoaa, that was so deep. 

    SAMMO: Do you, brah? You know, just- time's a little squishy. 

    PLECK: Sammo-

    SAMMO: Reality's kind of like-

    PLECK: No, Sammo, Wink, you have to- you have to help me. 

    SAMMO: -foggy right now, huh? 

    WINK: What? 

    PLECK: I need to find the Emperor. I need to find Beano. 

    WINK: Oh, the Emperor's real cool, man. 

    SAMMO: Absolutely. But hey, we're doing a rave- we're going to a rave in the ruins of Jeknar, like, later on if you wanna, like, come. 

    PLECK: There are other people here, like, alive here? 

    SAMMO: I mean, are we alive? 

    WINK: That's a good question, Sammo. 

    SAMMO: Great question. 

    WINK: Sammo, you always ask so many good questions. 

    SAMMO: Wink. 

    WINK: What?

    [pause] 

    SAMMO: What? 

    WINK: What? 

    SAMMO: What? 

    WINK: What? 

    [Wink and Sammo keep going back and forth]

    PLECK: Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this in the middle of, like, a psychedelic trans-dimensional plane, but I gotta go. I'll see you guys later. 

    WINK: Okay, byeee! 

    SAMMO: Bye! 

    PLECK: [drifting away] Whoaaaaa!

    SAMMO: But seriously, what? 

    WINK: What? 

    SAMMO: No, but what? 

    WINK: No, but, like, what? 

    SAMMO: What? 

    WINK: What?

    SAMMO: No, but what I'm saying is what? 

    WINK: No but like- What? 

    SAMMO: Right. 

    WINK: What? 

    SAMMO: Yeah.

    [transition]

     

    AJ: All right, we got Seesu Gundu on board. Set a perimeter. Let's do this. Setting a perimeter. I'll be right back. Perimeter. 

    [AJ runs off Bargie]

    NERMUT: Uh, Ms. Gundu, I don't know if I need to come necessarily on this mission with you. 

    SEESU: Nermut, you are an important member of not only the crew, but I'm going to say it: in my life now. 

    NERMUT: Oh, geez, that's amazing. So the temp to perm process, is that, like-

    SEESU: Well, that is temp to fam, and you're currently still on temp, but you're going to get to fam very fast. I'm telling you. 

    NERMUT: Sure. Great. 

    SEESU: X-Marse at the Gundu house. 

    NERMUT: Oh, wow!

    C-53: Wow. Talk about the promotion, Nermut. 

    NERMUT: What’s that? Was that a promotion? 

    C-53: Yeah.

    AJ: [re-entering] Perimeter secured. Perimeter secured. 

    C-53: Commander Gundu, uh, pardon me if this is untoward, but aren't you supposed to be in a debate right now? 

    SEESU: Oh yeah. I’m still in, yes.

    NERMUT: Actually, I'm holding the teleprompter, over here.

    SEESU: Hold on. It's my turn. 

    NERMUT: [straining] Here we go. Okay, it's hard to hold the boom and the teleprompter, but okay. 

    C-53: Nermut is your boom guy?

    SEESU: IQQ, that is disrespectful for at least half of the population. Am I right, ladies? 

    [faint airhorn, crowd cheers]

    NERMUT: Very good. Very good.

    SEESU: Thank you. The crowd went wild over that one. 

    AJ: Wow. Excellent work, darling. I mean-

    SEESU: What?

    AJ: -Commander Gundu. 

    SEESU: AJ-2884. 

    AJ: That's me. It's incredibly good to see you. Hi.

    SEESU: Well, it's always good to see a hard-working crew. [clapping] Everyone give your hand for yourself. And thank you so much for taking me to the Allwheat. My son, Centurion, is currently inside of the Allwheat. 

    C-53: Seesu, I'm so sorry. 

    SEESU: It is very hard. There's not many things that could crack me. [holding back emotion] And it is my job to go in. 

    AJ: We gotta save that kid, right? Who's with me? We're saving the kid. That's part of the mission now. 

    SEESU: Luckily, we have a tracking fob on him, so we know he is still alive. And we're gonna go get him. 

    NERMUT: And I've got a debate question about healthcare in 3, 2, 1, go. 

    SEESU: Definitely, everyone will receive it. Thank you very much. 

    NERMUT: And cut. 

    C-53: Are people getting a lot of information out of this debate? 

    SEESU: If I can get a navigation update as to how far we are to the Allwheat?

    HARK: [over comms] Seesu, this is Captain Hark Tardigast. I read you loud and clear.

    SEESU: Yes. Yeah, hi. 

    NERMUT: Hark? 

    HARK: We're approaching the Triteeco sphere of the Allwheat. 

    C-53: Hark Tardigast, no kidding.

    NERMUT: Whoa, Hark! Dar, remember when you jucked up his hyperdrive? 

    DAR: Don't bring that up. What's wrong with you? 

    NERMUT: Oh, geez. 

    AJ: This is awesome. This is awesome.

    SEESU: Hark, we're so glad to have you back. Can you give me even more detail?

    HARK: Seesu, we're mere moments away from entering this boiling engine of death. What you're about to see and hear may not make any rational sense. Your noses may start to bleed uncontrollably, but my time slicing through different dimensions and realities has prepared me for this moment like no other in my life. 

    SEESU: Seems like I guess that means we're nearby. I think that means we're nearby.

    HARK: We are close, yes. 

    SEESU: Okay. 

    HARK: Bargarean Jade, I'm sending you a flight path that I need you to follow to the letter. Should you deviate for even a single moment, you could risk spiraling off into the edge of the Triteeco sphere and being atomized instantly!

    SEESU: Great. 

    BARGIE: What? 

    AJ: My nose is bleeding. 

    SEESU: Um, excuse me, AJ, you don't mind step- doing a step back? Just a little step back. 

    AJ: No, I'm so sorry. I just... 

    [AJ rips off his helmet, revealing Rolphus]

    ROLPHUS: Rodddammit, Seesu! I can't hide it anymore, it's me!

    NERMUT: AJ…

    C-53: AJ, uhm-

    ROLPHUS: Let's go get our son. 

    NERMUT: Come on. 

    C-53: AJ.

    SEESU: Rol- Rolphus? 

    ROLPHUS: That's right, it's me. And by the way, I'm still in love with you. 

    [Seesu thuds to the ground]

    C-53: Oh. She fainted, went down instantly.

    NERMUT: [connecting to the debate again] Okay, and we're in, it's three, two, one, taxes. I'm gonna just shake her head no here. Okay, great, got it. 

    C-53: Yeah.. don’t do that to her head.

    DAR: You just knew that it was taxes?

    NERMUT: You should always say no new taxes, just even if you know you're gonna have to raise them, but...

    [transition]

     

    BALLWHEAT: Alright, alright, that's enough screaming. 

    PLECK: Emperor Ballwheat. That- that was very scary and disorienting, so.

    BALLWHEAT: Yeah, that's the whole kinda, you know, that's kinda what we're going for here.

    PLECK: What is this place? 

    BALLWHEAT: This is the Allwheat, baby. 

    PLECK: Yeah, I know that part.

    BALLWHEAT:  Cause it's Ballwheat plus- it’s like bigger-

    PLECK: Yeah I get it.

    BALLWHEAT: What? You don't like the name? 

    PLECK: I don't love the name. 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, pitch me a better one. 

    PLECK: Yeah, how about the, um, the Beanhole? 

    BALLWHEAT: Really? That's better?

    PLECK: Yeah. 

    BALLWHEAT: How are you my nemesis? How? How? Like? 

    PLECK: You know what, I don't need, I launched myself into this place to confront you.

    BALLWHEAT: That's right, you did, you walked right into my trap.

    PLECK: Your trap? 

    BALLWHEAT: Uh, yeah. Because you have to have a purpose. You're the chosen one.

    PLECK: That's right. 

    BALLWHEAT: So you came into the Allwheat and right into my plan. It's perfect! [Ballwheat snaps his fingers]

    PLECK: Gah! This, where are we? This is, this is Rangus VI. 

    BALLWHEAT: Well, I am all powerful now, uh, thanks to you. So I thought I'd take you someplace you're comfortable. 

    PLECK: You can make it look like we're on Rangus VI? 

    BALLWHEAT: What about all powerful didn't you get? We are on Rangus VI. 

    PLECK: It's not an illusion? 

    BALLWHEAT: No, no I'm not like a magician or something, I have power. I just wanted you to be comfortable in your home. When you destroy the galaxy. 

    PLECK: I destroy, you're going to destroy the galaxy, I'm here to defeat you, finally. Once and for all. 

    BALLWHEAT: Right, right, you will destroy the galaxy. Cause here’s the trick-

    PLECK: What are you talking about?

    BALLWHEAT: I'll tell you. We need an avatar of the wack, a little rude, but that's me. We need an agent of chaos and cosmic power. That's Beano. And then the third ingredient is the avatar of the fresh, which for some jucking reason is you buddy. So, end game. 

    PLECK: Well, this avatar was chosen to fresh your jucking ass off you dick! 

    BALLWHEAT: You're going to fresh me? 

    PLECK: Get ready to taste my Dinglehopper.

    [Ballwheat snaps his fingers making the Dinglehopper a groan-tube]

    PLECK: No, no! Why did you do that? 

    BALLWHEAT: It's no weapons, right? We're just talking, we're just jawing. So, you know what's going on out in the greater galaxy, buddy? Is the election going on? I don't really like to follow politics or read anything about it. 

    PLECK: Yeah, you know what, the election is going on, Ballwheat. 

    BALLWHEAT: Oh yeah? 

    PLECK: And you know, once I defeat and destroy you, Seesu's going to win and she's going to rebuild this galaxy and fix everything that you destroyed. 

    BALLWHEAT: Yeah, okay, she could win or this could happen. 

    [Ballwheat snaps his fingers]

    PLECK: What, nothing happened that time, what was the... 

    BALLWHEAT: Oh, I just changed the outcome of the election. 

    PLECK: you- from here? 

    BALLWHEAT: Yeah. 

    PLECK: The election's not for three more days. 

    BALLWHEAT: Right, well, time is kind of squishy here. Let's change it again.

    [Ballwheat snaps again]

    PLECK: Okay, that was less impressive because I just have to trust that you did that. BALLWHEAT: Well, I mean, yeah, but... 

    PLECK: Okay, well, 

    [Pleck snaps]

    PLECK: I changed it back. 

    BALLWHEAT: No, you didn't. 

    PLECK: I could have. 

    BALLWHEAT: No, you didn't. 

    PLECK: You never know. 

    BALLWHEAT: No. What are you talking about? 

    [Pleck snaps]

    PLECK: I did it again. 

    BALLWHEAT: No, you're just snapping. 

    PLECK: You're just snapping!

    BALLWHEAT: No, I'm changing reality. Look, here's a little- watch, watch me draw a circle with my finger and now you can look inside. 

    [Ballwheat opens a little portal]

    HOLOSCREEN PRESENTER: And in a stunning upset, Allergy Eyedrops has carried the majority of the galactic vote.

    PLECK: Allergy Eyedrops? 

    ALLERGY EYEDROPS: Get this old Allergy Eyedrops day to day. I have no plans. 

    PLECK: Wait, you used that power to open a portal to a news broadcast? 

    [Ballwheat snaps]

    BALLWHEAT: I’m-

    PLECK: You're essentially opening a portal to a television for us to watch. 

    BALLWHEAT: Because, you know, it's the simplest way to show you- What do you want me to do? Do you want me to completely rip you in half with my mind? Do you want me to do that? Because I can do it.

    [Ballwheat snaps]

    PLECK: If you do- AGHH!

    [Ballwheat snaps]

    BALLWHEAT: Yeah, I put you back together. Now do we need to- Is it weird that I'm doing a news broadcast now, buddy? 

    PLECK: [painting] Okay, okay.

    HOLOSCREEN PRESENTER: And against all odds, a tiny criminal has won the galactic vote. 

    PLECK: Tiny criminal is his name? 

    TINY CRIMINAL: Modern responsibility. Everybody gets a tiny knife. Tiny knife vote. Everybody!

    HOLOSCREEN PRESENTER: And he just ran away from his press conference, stealing the microphone. 

    TINY CRIMINAL: It's mine! 

    BALLWHEAT: Again. 

    PLECK: Okay- 

    HOLOSCREEN PRESENTER: And in a stunning reversal, a long dead ship, the Blazing Rochester, has come back to life and become leader of the galaxy. 

    [Blazing Rochester grables]

    PLECK: Okay, all right. 

    BALLWHEAT: Oh, oh, you are going to love this one. 

    HOLOSCREEN PRESENTER: And in what is sure to go down as one of the most unusual elections of all time, Ner- 

    PLECK: I get it, I get it, okay? 

    BALLWHEAT: All right, all right. Listen, listen, the point is, bebe, you are the final ingredient and you're here. I couldn't do any of this before you arrived. But listen, what we're going to do is fantastic. We're going to remake the galaxy. 

    PLECK: What do you mean, remake the galaxy? 

    BALLWHEAT: Listen, it's not going to be some evil thing. We're not going to be enslaving anybody. I'm not the kind of guy who needs a bunch of ships, like an armada. I just want one planet. Just one planet. 

    PLECK: You know what? Fine.

    BALLWHEAT: I'm going to destroy everything else. I'm going to get rid of all the other planets. 

    PLECK: What? 

    BALLWHEAT: With all their aliens and their kind of strange languages and the weird bug creatures and stuff like, ugh, right? Like, get rid of them. 

    PLECK: No, that's what makes the galaxy the galaxy. You have the power to remake the galaxy and you're going to erase everything but one planet? 

    BALLWHEAT: Yeah, because it will be people like you and me, just Tellurians. And it's all-

    [Ballwheat snaps]

    BALLWHEAT: -suburbs. Suburbs as far as the-

    PLECK: Suburbs? 

    BALLWHEAT: It's all Tellurian suburbs as far as the eye can see. Because those cities can be dangerous. 

    PLECK: What do you mean cities can be dangerous?

    BALLWHEAT: Eh. Yeah, they can be. Right? 

    PLECK: You- you live in a black hole. 

    [transition]


    [someone dumps water on Seesu]

    SEESU: Alright, I'm up. What did I miss? Nermut, fill me in. 

    NERMUT: It's going great. People took your stoic silence as very leader worthy when you just ignored these questions. 

    SEESU: Great, wonderful. Rolphus, it's- it’s been a while. 

    NERMUT: Oh, no, that's- 

    SEESU: Again. 

    ROLPHUS: Good to see you. You've-

    NERMUT: What? 

    ROLPHUS: Kept it tight. 

    SEESU: Indeed I did. 

    C-53: Wait a minute. 

    SEESU: You've also-

    NERMUT: Uh. 

    SEESU: Kept it.. tight. 

    DAR: What is happening? 

    C-53: What is going on here? 

    SEESU: But I will say that your own tightness, and I will say you've never been as tight as this moment, will not distract me, Rolphus. We are over. Done. And my job now is to bring unity to this galaxy.

    ROLPHUS: Seesu, my darling, I have traversed nebulae and galaxies. I have fended off countless foes to be with you here today. 

    NERMUT: The live polling is going insane. The voters love this. 

    DAR: The sexual tension between these two right now. 

    C-53: Off the charts.

    ROLPHUS: To save our son, who we brought forth from our very loins. 

    C-53: Oh. This is not AJ. 

    DAR: Definitely not. AJ does not know the word "loins," nor does he have them. 

    C-53: Yeah. He's loinless. 

    DAR: Wait, if you're Rolphus, where is AJ? 

    ROLPHUS: What? I- Who, the C.L.I.N.T.?

    C-53: Yeah, the C.L.I.N.T. 

    ROLPHUS: I waylaid him and replaced him back on Corvus. 

    C-53: When you say waylaid, what does that mean? Did you shoot him? 

    ROLPHUS: Y’know I-

    DAR: No, my AJ! 

    ROLPHUS: No, I didn't shoot him. I stunned him.

    NERMUT: Oh, the perimeter check.

    ROLPHUS: Right. 

    C-53: The perimeter check was like eight seconds. What are you talking-

    ROLPHUS: I moved fast. So I'm sorry, your friend is back on Corvus. He won't be accompanying you on this mission. 

    DAR: My sweet AJ. 

    AJ: [banging on the hull] Hey!

    NERMUT: What? 

    AJ: I’m out here!

    NERMUT: Oh, is that-

    AJ: Hey, it's AJ. 

    NERMUT: Is he in a bubble of goo? 

    C-53: AJ, What are you doing out there?

    AJ: You know what, you don't have to- I put some goo- I put some all-purpose goo and stuck to Bargie.

    DAR: That was incredibly resourceful. Ah, AJ, I am so proud of you. 

    AJ: Thank you, but, like, it's getting kind of cold, and my armor's not really built for this long in space, and I'm kind of getting a little lightheaded. 

    C-53: Okay, I’m just going to seal off my vents here, and I’ll go outside.

    BARGIE: Wow, I just got some good news. I've been rehired. Apparently, Dunkey's five-hour death scene is the best thing that's happened in modern cinema. 

    DAR: Bargie, that is great news. 

    BARGIE: Bargie's back, baby. It's great. All right, guys, I'm going to drop you off here. HARK: And that's it. We're about to hit the event horizon of the all-week, so if there's any personnel hanging onto the side of your step, you better get them back inside right now. 

    NERMUT: Is that a standard announcement? 

    HARK: Oh, no, that was just my attempt at levity. Is there actually someone hanging onto the outside?

    NERMUT: No, no, we have two crew members out there. Can we hold off on the whole event horizon thing for a sec? 


    [ad break begins]

    JANELLE: Well, hello there, Captain Dar and the crew of The Bargarean Jade, and especially my cherished C.L.I.N.T., AJ-2884. This is Miss Janelle Fitzmeyer with the privilege of calling you today. You all must be out on a mission which I trust will be both enjoyable and safe. I, for one, will be delighted when this election is over and done with. You know, Ted Ronka really had my loyalty, but did you see that a renegade managed to explode Mr. Ronka's special machine? Well, now I'm back to undecided. Perhaps that handsome IQQ will earn my check mark. He certainly has some fascinating ideas about romance. On that note, what I'm most excited about these days is Dipsea, an audio app full of short, erotic stories and wellness sessions designed to ignite your various fires and help you get in touch with yourself. I'm blushing. Well, anyway, I trust you don't mind me discussing the subject. You see, at the cloning facility, we've always talked a lot about physical health and mental health, but what about sexual health? Because whether you're at the gym, out for a walk, or practicing tactical footwork, if you want to take care of your whole self, you need to prioritize your pleasure. Well, Dipsea’s stories are relatable and immersive, so you feel like you're right there. And wellness sessions can always help you unlock new confidence or heighten intimacy with your special one. That has certainly been the case with me and Gary, my gentleman friend. I hope that isn't TMJ. That means too much Janelle. It's just a little joke for you. I like to keep things light. Best of all, Dipsea is offering a 30-day free trial when you go to dipseastories.com/zyxx. Can you believe it? A 30-day free trial when you go to dipseastories.com/zyxx. dipseastories.com/zyxx. Well, I guess that's it. Kiss, kiss. Hug, hug. Platonically, of course, because Gary is the singular light in my sensual journey. Miss Janelle Fitzmeyer.

    [ad break ends]


    BARGIE: Hello? Hello? Oh, no. Yeah, definitely dead. I died.

    NERMUT: Sorry. I was just kind of in shock of what I'm seeing. 

    BARGIE: I hope all of my exes are feeling really terrible right now. 

    DAR: Hey, Bargie? 

    BARGIE: I barely hear the voices of all the people who used to be inside of me. 

    DAR: Barg, I think we're on a river. 

    BARGIE: Oh, no, I miss you. 

    NERMUT: No, we're really here. 

    BARGIE: So, wait, I'm not- just to clarify, I'm not dead? 

    NERMUT: No, I don't think so. 

    BARGIE: Juck, I just sent off a bunch of terrible emails again. 

    NERMUT: Oh, boy. 

    BARGIE: Sorry, don't read these. 

    ROLPHUS: Hark, Hark, can you hear us?

    HARK: I'm alright. This little fighter was barely hanging on by a thread as it was. This river of protoplasm is hardly the repair job it needs.

    ROLPHUS: That's good, Hark. We need you up here because, quite frankly, this crew has all been talking about how they thought they were dead. 

    NERMUT: Don't-

    SEESU: Excuse me, Rolphus, that is my crew that you're talking about. And this crew has done an amazing job. 

    ROLPHUS: These guys are chuckleheads. They're just- they're idiots. We used to make fun of them behind their back. 

    SEESU: Well, they've been here for me, Rolphus. Like some other people who've decided to disappear and play dress-up with their new clone friends. 

    ROLPHUS: How dare you. 

    SEESU: How dare you. 

    ROLPHUS: But you're right. You're right. I know I failed you, failed Centurion, but that's over. And truly, this crew is- they're like pretty bargain bin dummies. 

    SEESU: These are heroic, upstanding citizens of the galaxy who are going to help me bring it together and also get my son. 

    [Dar blows a horn]

    DAR: Sorry, I just wanted to punctuate Seesu tooting our horn by actually tooting my horn. Hey, Bargie, could we let C and AJ in now? 

    AJ: Yeah, I'm kind of getting hit by this, like, psychedelic stuff, you guys. Like, it's kind of hit me, I think, pretty bad. 

    ROLPHUS: Okay, these are- this is the crew. 

    SEESU: Now, Rolphus, what is it that you're doing here? What do you want from me? 

    ROLPHUS: Listen, I want us to be a happy family again. 

    SEESU: When have you ever said those words before? 

    ROLPHUS: Uh, yeah, you're right. 

    SEESU: Never. Never. 

    ROLPHUS: But I'm here now. Listen, I'm not saying I'm a good man. I'm a bad man. 

    SEESU: You're a bad man. 

    ROLPHUS: I'm really bad.

    SEESU:  You're so bad. 

    ROLPHUS: I'm just no good. 

    SEESU: You're so bad. 

    NERMUT: They're way past nose to nose here. 

    DAR: I mean, they're basically just shouting into each other's open mouths. 

    NERMUT: Steamy. 

    ROLPHUS: Let's move past this and save our son. 

    SEESU: I can't wait till we...talk.

    DAR:  Oh, she just flicked him with her tongue. 

    NERMUT: Real lird move. 

    [AJ comes back in]

    AJ: Hey, guys, what did I miss? 

    DAR: Oh, AJ! 

    NERMUT: I wouldn't worry about it. Nothing big. 

    AJ: Right. Hey, why am I in here? 

    NERMUT: Juck.

    AJ: Did I get hit by one of those psychedelic things a little too hard? Why am I looking at myself? Oh, I'm dead. Cool, I'm looking at myself. [he takes a photo]

    NERMUT: No.

    AJ: Talking to Seesu.

    NERMUT: Why would there be two of you if you're dead?

    AJ: So, I'm a g-g-g-g-ghost? 

    DAR: No, no, no. 

    NERMUT: Wait a second. Where is C-53? 

    AJ: Oh, he's gone. Disintegrated. 

    DAR: [gasps] What?

    AJ: Yeah. 

    NERMUT: What? 

    AJ: Oh, I have his cube. But I have the cube, so... 

    NERMUT: Oh. 

    AJ: I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that right up front. He...his body disintegrated in the Allwheat’s like psychedelic waves and junk. But the cube is here, so... We just gotta put him in a frame or something, I guess. 

    C-53: I'm actually not entirely sure that's necessary, AJ. 

    DAR: Gasp! 

    C-53: I don't know what the characteristics are of the evil realm we are currently inside, but I don't seem to need a frame to communicate. 

    AJ: Twist!

    NERMUT: Stop twisting it!

    C-53: Which is unusual to see. 

    AJ: Twist.


    [Ballwheat snaps his fingers]

    PLECK: Listen, the galaxy is a place full of real people. It's not your plaything, okay? There are trillions of people and species with their own lives, and you're just gonna throw it all away? 

    BALLWHEAT: Yeah, well, I control the stuff, and I control the space, and you can't do anything. In fact, you're actually facilitating it, so... 

    PLECK: What part am I playing in this? 

    BALLWHEAT: You have to, you know, be a part of this little thing I have with Beano. 

    PLECK: Is that like a... 

    BALLWHEAT: Not a throuple. 

    PLECK: What? It's like a sex thing? 

    BALLWHEAT: It's not a sex thing, if that's what you're asking. 

    PLECK: I mean, you say it's part of a thing with me and Beano. 

    BALLWHEAT: I meant- It didn't mean like a sex thing. It's mostly business. 

    PLECK: Wait, if it's mostly business, what's the rest of it?

    BALLWHEAT: Well, there's an emotional element. You think there's not an emotional element. We're partners.

    PLECK: Okay. But if there's emotional... 

    BALLWHEAT: What's going on? Do you want there to be a sex element to this?

    PLECK: No. 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay.

    PLECK: No. No. I've seen Beano's nipples, and I know... 

    BALLWHEAT: I mean, everyone's seen them.

    PLECK: I know it's hard for some people to ignore. 

    BALLWHEAT: He leads with them, so of course... 

    PLECK: The nipples, of course, are to enter the room before he does, generally. 

    BALLWHEAT: Absolutely. With the three of us together, we can have ultimate power to recreate the galaxy in any we choose. First we have to destroy. 

    PLECK: Why do you have more power in this situation than I do? I'm the avatar of the fresh. Logically, we would have equal power heading in opposite directions.

    BALLWHEAT: I instituted the whole thing, therefore I get a little bit more say. Everybody's equal, but some of them are a little more equal. But anyway, so... 

    PLECK: But I’m saying, in a throuple, ideally, we all have equal... 

    BALLWHEAT: It's not a throuple. It's not even a friends with benefits. Hold on. So we're in a kitchen, right? 

    [Ballwheat snaps his fingers]

    PLECK: Yeah, okay. 

    BALLWHEAT: You are this Garfon egg, right? 

    PLECK: Okay. 

    BALLWHEAT: You entered the Allwheat, which is this pancake batter, right?

    PLECK: Uh-huh.

    BALLWHEAT: The egg is part of the batter.

    PLECK: I'm not gonna do it, I'm gonna run out of here.

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, go for it.

    PLECK: See you later! Oh, of course it goes right into the, yeah-

    BALLWHEAT: Yeah.

    PLECK: -into the same side of the 

    BALLWHEAT: No you're here now. You're not- you’re not escaping. It's over. The egg cannot say “You can't keep me here I'm leaving.”

    PLECK: Okay. Well I'll fight you.

    BALLWHEAT: Okay go for it 

    [Pleck swings at Ballwheat]

    PLECK: Yah! OW! That punched me in the face when I punched you! 

    BALLWHEAT: Right. 

    PLECK: Ow! 

    BALLWHEAT: Like I said, you're done. It's over. 

    PLECK: Okay. So if you can do it and I have no power to stop you, why haven't you done it already? 

    BALLWHEAT: Because I wanted to explain it. I liked an audience. Is that so wrong? 

    PLECK: So it is a sex thing.

    BALLWHEAT: It's not a sex thing!

    PLECK: You like an audience? That's a weird thing to say. 

    BALLWHEAT: That's not... No! Pleck, Pleck, I don't think you understand. 

    PLECK: What? 

    BALLWHEAT: I already did all of this. The galaxy has been destroyed. 

    [Ballwheat snaps again]

    PLECK: What? 

    BALLWHEAT: In the- in the future. I've already done it in the future. 

    PLECK: Wait, what- what is it- so you haven't done it yet? 

    BALLWHEAT: No, but I'm doing it in the future. So I have done it. You know what I mean?

    PLECK: So you haven't done it yet? 

    BALLWHEAT: I've done it! 

    PLECK: But it’s n-

    BALLWHEAT: In the future. You didn't let me finish, you didn’t let me finish. I've done it in the future. 

    PLECK: The future hasn't happened yet. 

    BALLWHEAT: Time and space. 

    PLECK: So- what are you talking about? Are you just describing a plan? 

    BALLWHEAT: No, I'm saying that I have control over time and space.

    PLECK: Be honest with me, be honest with me

    BALLWHEAT: And so I did it in the future. I haven't done it yet. 

    PLECK: Right. But is that just a fancy way of saying that you have a plan? 

    BALLWHEAT: Yes, I have a very meticulous, well-laid-out plan. 

    PLECK: Ughh.

    BALLWHEAT: That you've walked right in, by the way. And now my perfectly laid plan can... 

    [Justin walks in]

    JUSTIN: Dad! Dad, where are you? 

    BALLWHEAT: Justin, wait, what are you- what are you doing here? What are you doing in Daddy's... Allwheat?

    JUSTIN: I have something really important to tell you. It's so important. I have to tell you, it right now. 

    BALLWHEAT: Justin, Daddy is trying to seduce his nemesis right now. 

    JUSTIN: Urgh, you always do that!

    PLECK: So it is a sex thing. 

    BALLWHEAT: It's not a sex thing. Seduction happens in different... 

    PLECK: You can use any word other than that. 

    BALLWHEAT: I'm erasing your mouth just for a minute. 

    [Pleck’s muffled groans]

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, buddy. 

    JUSTIN: Yeah? 

    BALLWHEAT: What? 

    JUSTIN: I'm going to tell you something really important, okay? 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay. Is it more important than me remaking the galaxy?

    JUSTIN: Yes, Dad, yes! 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, okay. Because Dad's got some stuff. 

    JUSTIN: You know how, like, recently it's been, like, really hard? 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay. What's been hard, bud? What's the…

    JUSTIN: Literally everything is hard, Dad. Okay, everything. Everything is hard. 

    BALLWHEAT: All right, everything's hard. 

    JUSTIN: Dad, it's been so hard. 

    BALLWHEAT: What are you dealing with, buddy? What? 

    JUSTIN: If you don't get it, you don't get it. 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay. 

    JUSTIN: But I found someone who got me. 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay. 

    JUSTIN: This is the love of my life. 

    BALLWHEAT: What? 

    JUSTIN: This is Centurion. Daddy. 

    CENTURION: Hey, what's up? I'm Centurion. Centurion Tiddle. 

    BALLWHEAT: Uh, hi. 

    JUSTIN: Oh my Rodd, why don't you get along with him? 

    BALLWHEAT: I didn't say I didn't.

    JUSTIN: He means so much to me right now.

    BALLWHEAT: Justin, how did you get in here? Daddy's not corporeal right now. 

    BALLWHEAT: Dad, we're getting married. 

    BALLWHEAT: What?

    JUSTIN: And we're getting married right now because we're so in love. 

    BALLWHEAT: Wait, wait, you haven't. 

    JUSTIN: Dad, we need your blessing right now. 

    BALLWHEAT: Hey, Centurion is the child of one of the people who's trying to stop Daddy. 

    JUSTIN: I know, Dad, but at the end of the day, love is love. And there's nothing you can do to stop it!

    BALLWHEAT: What was the last thing that you said, buddy? 

    JUSTIN: And there's nothing you can do to stop it. 

    BALLWHEAT: Pleck, what did you just hear from Justin? 

    [Ballwheat gives his mouth back]

    PLECK: I think he said there's nothing you can do to stop it. 

    BALLWHEAT: That's what I heard. Is that what it is? Yeah, nothing I can do to stop it. I'm going to assume that you said there's nothing I can do to stop it. 

    [Ballwheat takes Pleck’s mouth again]

    JUSTIN: Dad, we're getting married. 

    BALLWHEAT: Yeah, but that's fine. You know what? That's fine. I'm happy for you. Can you just wait two minutes? I just have to deal with the work thing real quick. 

    JUSTIN: We're getting married here, and we're getting married now. 

    BALLWHEAT: Who's going to marry you, bud? What- what?

    JUSTIN: We brought our friend David. 

    DAVID: Hey, uhm what’s up.

    BALLWHEAT: Hey, David. 

    JUSTIN: David took a class online, and he can marry us. 

    DAVID: I have my card somewhere. Oh, yeah, here, clergy. Get it? Is that cool? 

    JUSTIN: But I need your blessing, and I want you to want me to walk me down the aisle. 

    BALLWHEAT: What? Buddy, I am this close to ripping David's skin off with my mind. 

    DAVID: So, everyone, welcome. So, it's such an exciting day here. Centurion and Justin and this guy. 

    [Ballwheat snaps to remove Davids mouth]

    PLECK: So wait, if you're in too much of a hurry to let your son get married right now, you don't have power over time and space, right? 

    BALLWHEAT: I'm just gonna take your mouth back. 

    [Ballwheat snaps]

    DAVID: And the day they met, I knew that that was gonna be... 

    BALLWHEAT: Wait, I can only do this one at a time? I thought that I had more power than that. 

    DAVID: They were... 

    [Ballwheat snaps]

    PLECK: Ah, well, I'll pick up where you left off, David. You know, in times like these, it's always important for two people. 

    [Ballwheat double snaps]

    BALLWHEAT: No, both mouths, both mouths. Oh, two hands, got it. Hey, buddy, Justin. Justin. 

    JUSTIN: What? 

    BALLWHEAT: Can we do this after Daddy remakes the galaxy? 

    CENTURION: Mr. Ballwheat? 

    BALLWHEAT: Yes? 

    CENTURION: You know, I know our families have had their uhm, like differences, but I just want you to know that I love your son, and I will cherish him in this galaxy, in the galaxy that you choose to remake, or whatever the galaxy I'll cherish. Cherish, Justin. 

    BALLWHEAT: Thank you, Centurion. Thank you. Okay, mouth's back. 

    [Ballwheat snaps]

    DAVID: I forgot the rings. 

    BALLWHEAT: Can I melt him? Can I melt him? Would anybody be upset if I melt him? 

    PLECK: I wouldn’t be all that upset, honestly. 

    DAVID: I just, they were on my dresser, and... 

    PLECK: I'm sorry, who is David? 

    BALLWHEAT: You got me. I'm all-knowing, but I still don't quite understand how David fits into all of this. 

    JUSTIN: David was my boss at the Blue Julius, Dad. 

    DAVID: Yeah- im kinda, I try to have a mellow with my people who report to me. 

    BALLWHEAT: No.

    [Ballwheat melts David]

    [transition sound]


    AJ: Hey, so what's your call number?

    ROLPHUS: I don't have a call number. 

    AJ: Oh, okay. Just want to tell you, like, keep your head on a swivel, because there's some guy knocking people out, throwing them out of the, just be careful. 

    SEESU: Team, we need to focus. 

    DAR: You're right. 

    SEESU: C-53, it's amazing seeing you as a floating cube now. I think-

    C-53: To be honest, this is a level of freedom I've never experienced before. 

    SEESU: The sound is coming from the ethers everywhere. 

    AJ: Yeah, you're in stereo, bud.

    DAR: Ooh, Horsehat, no, don't grab that. Ooh, don't put that in your mouth, no. - 

    [Horsehat swallows C-53’s cube]

    AJ: Oh. 

    SEESU: Oh no. 

    DAR: Hmm. 

    AJ: The baby swallowed it. 

    [Horsehat laughs]

    NERMUT: Yeah, we saw AJ. 

    C-53: I'm still okay. 

    DAR: But, Horsehat, are you okay? 

    HORSEHAT: Yeah. 

    DAR: I'm a good parent. 

    C-53: Actually, again, not 100% sure of the rules here, but I'm pretty sure... Yeah, I sort of got... I can do this arm. 

    NERMUT: You can do the arm? 

    C-53: I seem to be able to control it in some respect. 

    NERMUT: Horsehat, is this okay with you? 

    [Horsehat babbles]

    AJ: It was your plan all along, buddy? 

    C-53: Of course I will treat this body with respect. 

    AJ: Okay, the robot's in control of the baby. Let's move on. Let's do this. 

    SEESU: Crew, now we are all here for one reason, and one reason only. To save-

    DAR: Pleck. 

    SEESU: My son. 

    DAR: Oh, you think of Pleck as your son? 

    ROLPHUS: No, our son Centurion. I can't... Okay, all I want is for us to find my son and, sure, your friend and get out of here, but c- 

    SEESU: Is that all you want, Rolphus? Is that really all you want?

    ROLPHUS: That's what I want right now.

    DAR: They're basically fused at this point. 

    AJ: You guys think I could probably take that guy who doesn't have a call number, right? 

    C-53: You're a clone from this guy. 

    NERMUT: That would be a really fair fight, honestly. 

    C-53: He does everything you're going to do before you do it, I would assume. 

    AJ: Hey, bro, why don't you leave the lady alone? Why are you getting so close to her mouth? 

    ROLPHUS: What? 

    AJ: Yeah, you heard me. I'm the security officer on this ship, and I'm also maybe Seesu's love interest. We've got a real will-they-won't-they going on, so get your junking mouth away from her mouth, man. 

    NERMUT: Ironically, their mouths are very close now.

    AJ: What's your name again? 

    ROLPHUS: Rolphus Tiddle? 

    AJ: That sounds like white noise to me, bro. So, why don't you get out of my face? 

    ROLPHUS: You know what? My face is your face. Okay? So just why don't you-

    AJ: I just hear white noise, man. White noise and clicks when you talk. So I don't know. I don't know. I just know that you- you need to be taught a lesson. So let's do this. I got some meditation moves to show you, brah. 

    [Rolphus takes his armor off]

    ROLPHUS: You know what? Fine. Fine. 

    [AJ takes his armor off]

    BARGIE: Ah, boy, they took their armor off. 

    C-53: Why would he agree to this? 

    BARGIE: They're nude. 

    C-53: There's no... They're just gonna... They're just wrestling each other. 

    DAR: Wait. 

    AJ: He knows my moves!

    ROLPHUS: He knows MY moves!

    C-53: I may be a sentient cube floating around inside a giant child, but even I know this is a terrible idea. 

    AJ: Hey. That C.L.I.N.T.’s got something weird where his plank should be. I'm gonna kick it. 

    [Rolphus falls to the ground]

    C-53: Well, not a bad strategy, actually. 

    DAR: Didn't predict that move, did you, Rolphus? 

    ROLPHUS: Alright. Okay, enough, enough. Listen, let's focus on the task at hand. We have to find my son. 

    AJ: We've got to find my papa. 

    ROLPHUS: I've got my son's fob. 

    AJ: Well, my papa's fob is-

    ROLPHUS: And my son’s fob is-

    AJ/ROLPHUS: Pointing in that direction!

    DAR: Lucky that it's the same direction. 

    C-53: Yeah, it's actually-

    ROLPHUS: the same direction. 

    C-53: It seems like we might be-

    ROLPHUS: Yeah.

    C-53: -working on the same project here. 

    AJ: I guess we go in that direction. Because even in a weird, reality-warped protoplasm, the fob don't lie. 

    DAR: Where did you get all these fobs anyway?

    C-53: I don't understand where everyone's got all these fobs all of a sudden. 

    AJ: I'm not a fob guy. 

    DAR: I don't actually think we get to control the direction we're headed right now anyway. 

    AJ: Yeah, things are getting dark and the lightning's getting red. That can't be good, right?

    NERMUT: It's like storms are brewing from every point in the distance. 

    SEESU: It's a wonderful sign. It means we're getting closer. 

    DAR: You've been here before?

    ROLPHUS: Yeah, Seesu, how do you even know that?

    SEESU: I can tell Centurion's footsteps from anywhere. 

    ROLPHUS: Seems like the ultimate tracking fob is a mother's love. 

    AJ: No, no, I've got the ultimate fob. It's giant. You guys want to see? 

    NERMUT: Come on. 

    C-53: AJ, this is like a surfboard. Totally impractical. 

    NERMUT: What are you -what are you tracking? 

    AJ: It doesn't track anything. It’s just fun.

    DAR: AJ. 

    NERMUT: It's like the novelty fob from the store? 

    AJ: Yeah, they had it outside the fob store, but they let me. 

    C-53: It's just a display. 

    AJ: Yeah. A giant display pop? 

    [transition]


    JUSTIN: Dad, you melted David! 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, buddy, listen. We're gonna do the wedding. I just need to be able to clear the distractions away. That's all I need, bud. Once I get all the distractions away, we'll be fine. We'll be fine. 

    [Bargie crashes don near them]

    PLECK: What? 

    BARGIE: Toot-toot-toot, Bargie's here, whatever the juck this is. 

    PLECK: Bargie? Bargie! 

    BARGIE: What? 

    HH: Well, as they say, any crash you can walk away from, right friend?

    PLECK: Hey, wow, Hark Tardigast. Oh, looks like your pancake batter just got a couple more ingredients, huh? 

    [Ballwheat groans]

    AJ: Whoa, Papa's still alive. I totally thought he was dead. 

    NERMUT: Pleck!

    PLECK: Hey, guys.

    DAR: Oh, Pleck, You are in so much trouble, Pleck.

    AJ: In trouble..

    DAR: I can't even begin. 

    BARGIE: Oh, good news, Pleck's alive. 

    NERMUT: Yeah, we see. 

    PLECK: Hey, everybody. 

    C-53: I mean, truthfully, it's against the odds, but I'm happy to hear it. 

    PLECK: Why does Horsehat have C-53's voice? 

    DAR: You don't get to ask the questions, Pleck. I get to ask the questions. 

    PLECK: Okay, all right. 

    AJ: What are you going to ask him? 

    DAR: How are you? Are you okay? Are you safe?

    PLECK: I am. I am. I'm great, I'm great. We're doing it. We're doing it. 

    DAR: We're doing what? 

    PLECK: We're here together fighting the emperor, the ultimate evil. We're really sticking it to him. 

    AJ: You're jucking Ballwheat? 

    PLECK: What? No, it's not. 

    BALLWHEAT: I don't, who? Why is everybody just automatically?

    DAR: This is a sex thing?

    NERMUT: It sounded like a sex thing. 

    BALLWHEAT: It's not a sex thing. I mean, we merged. Sure.

    PLECK: He's very defensive about it. 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, okay. Hey, gang. 

    AJ: Let’s lock and load, let’s do this! 

    [AJ shoots his phaser]

    PLECK: Yeah, no, AJ, I don't think that's going to work. 

    AJ: He bent my lasers.

    PLECK: Yeah, he's like all powerful. He's sort of impervious. 

    BALLWHEAT: Yeah, impervious. 

    C-53: Yeah, it's almost like we shouldn't have come in here at all. 

    SEESU: Where's Centurion? Centurion? 

    CENTURION: Mom! Yeah, I'm right here. 

    SEESU: Honey, you're here. Come into my bosom. What did they do to you? What did they do to you, huh? Are you okay? Is your head okay? Let me look at your ears. 

    JUSTIN: Mom! Don’t touch my head mom, stop touching my head!

    SEESU: Let me look at your mouth. Turn your tush around. Let me look at your tush. 

    CENTURION: Mom, stop touching my ears. 

    SEESU: I was so worried about you. I was like, what's going to happen? I left the campaign behind. You are my only son. 

    CENTURION: Mom, I'm getting married today. I'm getting married to Justin. 

    SEESU: [flatly] Hello, Justin. 

    JUSTIN: Hi, Mrs. Gundu. It's so good to see you in a different location. 

    SEESU: Listen, I approve of the wedding. 

    CENTURION: Mom, we're going to do it. 

    SEESU: But why are we doing it today? And why are we doing it in the Allwheat?

    BALLWHEAT: Gang? Hey, gang. Everyone who's here? Let's get a quick head count. Who's here? Everyone just sound off real quick. 

    SEESU: Seesu.

    DAR: Dar. 

    AJ: AJ!

    JUSTIN: Justin. 

    PLECK: Uh, Pleck Decksetter. 

    CENTURION: Centurion. 

    [Horsehat babbles]

    BARGIE: Bargarean Jade-

    BALLWHEAT: That's-

    BARGIE: Ship of the stars! Queen of the sky, developer of content.

    BALLWHEAT: Right, guys-

    BARGIE: Director of Sherk 5, possibly Sherk 6.

    BALLWHEAT: So what I’m saying is-

    C-53: C-53, protocol and diplomatic relations baby.

    BALLWHEAT: I mean... 

    ROLPHUS: Rolphus Tiddle. 

    PLECK: Oh, hey Rolphus! 

    BALLWHEAT: Yeah, yeah, the point-

    HARK: Captain Hark Colafon Tardigast, reporting in.

    BALLWHEAT: Okay. The only-

    NERMUT: Nermut Bundaloy, the real one, the original? 

    BALLWHEAT: Oh, boy… So yeah, here's my point. The only one who should be in here is Pleckthaniel over there. 

    PLECK: That's... 

    BALLWHEAT: And me and Beano, the cosmic agent of chaos. 

    PLECK: Wait- hold on a second-

    BALLWHEAT: That's all that should be in the always right now. 

    PLECK: Where is Beano? 

    BARGIE: Beano? Where's Beano? I miss Beano. 

    BALLWHEAT: Beano's, you know, around. 

    PLECK: Where is Beano? 

    BALLWHEAT: All of it is Beano. All this is Beano. 

    BARGIE: Makes sense. 

    BALLWHEAT: The point is, now that I have you-

    JUSTIN: Dad, Dad. Don't you understand Centurion's parents are here. Now we have to do the wedding. Dad, now! 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, okay, that's right. Yes, we're doing the wedding now. Let's just get everyone married so I can destroy the galaxy and remake a planet and melt all of you. Who wants to get married? 

    SEESU: What? No, we're here to stop you. 

    ROLPHUS: Seesu, if you want to get married, I'd marry you again right now. With our son. 

    CENTURION: Oh, no, don't- just going to ruin it! 

    ROLPHUS: A double marriage. 

    SEESU: This is not the time nor the place. 

    ROLPHUS: When is the time? When is it? 

    SEESU: You'll know when the time is. The time will be the time. 

    ROLPHUS: When is the time? When is the time? 

    AJ: Does she want to marry me? Who does she wanna marry in this situation? 

    DAR: Hey bud, maybe you’re like still a little too young to be married.

    AJ: Yeah, probably, got a lot of… oats to sew.

    ROLPHUS/SEESU: Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

    [they continue in the background]

    NERMUT: Can you hear their teeth clattering together? 

    DAR: Their uvulas are touching. 

    BARGIE: I've seen a lot of dirty things in my life, and this is making me a little uncomfortable. 

    CENTURION: Mom, Dad, you better not get married on the day I get married! 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, great, so we got two. We got Justin and Centurion and Seesu and Rolphus. Who else wants to get married? Seriously, just can we get it over with? 

    PLECK: Yeah, I don't think that's…

    DAR: I do. 

    PLECK: What? Captain Dar? 

    AJ: Twist.

    NERMUT: That's fine. I mean... 

    AJ: Dar, I'm honored. I'm seriously honored. But I just told you I'm not ready for a commitment like that. 

    DAR: AJ, no. Nermut. 

    NERMUT: Huh? 

    DAR: It's always been us, hasn't it? 

    NERMUT: Yes! Yes!

    PLECK: This is amazing! 

    NERMUT: A million times yes! 

    DAR: And I know I've tried to fight it because I kind of always just wanted us to have that relationship where when we saw each other, we could juck. But now I realize I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I don't care if we ever juck again. 

    NERMUT: Oh, right. 

    C-53: Of course, in Dar’s culture, a marriage means a commitment to a lifetime of sexless companionship. 

    NERMUT: I guess one last time before the ceremony. It's not the best room for it. 

    C-53: It's really not a great time. 

    PLECK: Yeah, guys, this is sort of an infinite void. 

    NERMUT: Yeah.

    PLECK: There's no place you could go where we could not see you. 

    NERMUT: It's not a great place for a sex thing. 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, great. So we have three marriages. 

    PLECK: Yeah, hey, Emperor- Emperor, sorry. Are you able to sort of, if you snap your fingers, can you make like a big rock of some kind, anything like that? 

    BALLWHEAT: Yeah, sure. 

    [Ballwheat makes a giant rock appear]

    PLECK: Just something big enough for, okay-

    BALLWHEAT: Oh, yeah, what, are we eating ass? What are we doing? 

    PLECK: No, no, not necessarily. I mean, it's not my business. 

    BARGIE: Well, I guess it's time for me, you know, to commit to someone for the rest of my shit life. 

    PLECK: Wow, Bargie, you're getting married, too? 

    BARGIE: I'm getting married. 

    AJ: Bargie, I don't know if we could get married. You know, I'm-

    BARGIE: It's not you, what? No, it's not you. Getting down on one knee. Jeremiah Frankenfurt. Will you marry me? 

    JEREMIAH: Oh! Oh, I didn't know that you knew I was there.

    PLECK: Who is this? 

    BARGIE: It’s Jeremiah, we've been dating.

    BALLWHEAT: Jeremiah you-

    C-53: Okay, but but how did they get into the Allwheat? 

    BALLWHEAT: We did a roll call!

    PLECK: Yeah, we listed everyone who was here.

    BALLWHEAT: We did a roll call, I specifically- Okay, you know what? Here's what we're going to do.

    KARN: Did we miss-  did we miss the roll call?

    BALLWHEAT: Who is this? 

    KARN: It is I, Karn.

    [everyone groans]

    C-53: Oh my Rodd. 

    [Horsehat starts crying] 

    KARN: I believe that the Allwheat could serve as a portal back to my own dimension. 

    C-53: Get a new story, fella. 

    BALLWHEAT: Great, great. So it looks like we're having one, two, three, four weddings, and then a funeral for-

    PLECK: For David?

    BALLWHEAT: -the entire galaxy. 

    PLECK: Oh, okay. 

    BALLWHEAT: No, the entire galaxy. 

    PLECK: Hey, what about David? That's a little rude. I mean, if you're going to have a funeral, but not for the guy you melted, 

    BALLWHEAT: Juck David. 

    [Dar and Nermut come back from the rock]

    DAR: Phew! Okay, I would say Nermut and I are ready now. 

    PLECK: Where did you guys get those robes? 

    NERMUT: Oh, man. 

    C-53: Oh, say nothing of the cigarillos. 

    NERMUT: The rock came with them. 

    DAR: Yeah. When the captain's away, the Nermut can play. 

    NERMUT: And play he did. Play he did. 

    JUSTIN: Dad, what is happening? So there are these rocks, right? And-

    JUSTIN: Um... 

    BALLWHEAT: Gang? If there's one thing I love, it's a sched. And right now we are off it. You want to do weddings? Great, let's do weddings. Here's a setting.

    [Ballwheat snaps his fingers] 

    BALLWHEAT: How's that? Nice? 

    DAR: It feels too much like a wedding venue. I'm looking for something a little more unique, special. 

    C-53: Also, just a lot of white. There's not like a signature color. 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay. 

    PLECK: Domestic beers? 

    JUSTIN: Dad it’s really lame.

    BALLWHEAT: All right, let's try this. 

    [Ballwheat snaps]

    NERMUT: I liked it. 

    BALLWHEAT: Is this fine? It's a waterfall? Who doesn't love a waterfall? 

    DAR: I… don't. 

    SEESU: Centurion's allergic to water, so that wouldn't work for him. 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, how's a functional warehouse space that you can kind of mix and match? How's that? 

    [Ballwheat snaps]

    NERMUT: We were supposed to bring our own decorations? 

    PLECK: Yeah, then you're paying for plates, tablecloths, table, chairs. 

    JUSTIN: Dad, our budget is so low! 

    BALLWHEAT: What? Why? No, I'm literally omnipotent right now! I just, okay. We're in a field, we're in a field. How's the field? 

    [Ballwheat snaps]

    C-53: Could be kind of fun if you got some food trucks in here or something.

    BALLWHEAT: Alright, fine! 

    [Ballwheat snaps]

    BALLWHEAT: Fine. Food truck's over there.

    DAR: [gasp] Crepes!

    HARK: Ooh, now is one of those trucks funkle cakes? Well, now you're talking Harkling.

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, everyone good with this? Let's get started. 

    KARN: You have- you have a DJ, not even a live band? 

    BALLWHEAT: Karn, shut the juck up. For real. 

    KARN: It makes a big difference.

    BALLWHEAT: Sorry, language. 

    KARN: It makes a big difference, especially later in the night. 

    BALLWHEAT: Ugh! How does anything get done with you people? Anything.

    SEESU: What's the seating chart? Because there are a couple people I don't want to be next to. 

    KARN: What is the wedding's hashtag again? 

    C-53: Emperor Ballwheat, I don't mean to waylay you, but in my current somewhat unconventional frame, I'd make an excellent ring bearer.

    BALLWHEAT: Great!

    NERMUT: He's a droid, but also a toddler. 

    BALLWHEAT: Fine! 

    KARN: Are we going with hashtag ‘just in time for Centurion’ or hashtag ‘Allswheat that ends wheat?’ Hashtag ‘Nermy says I Dar?’ Hashtag ‘ass eating rock?’ 

    NERMUT: That's the one. 

    SHRIMP LADY: I heard there’s shrimp at the wedding! 

    BALLWHEAT: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? Why did you get in here? 

    SHRIMP LADY: Mhm, yum, yum. 

    BALLWHEAT: This is a pocket-locked dimension! How is any of this happening? 

    SHRIMP LADY: I love shrimp and dip. 

    NERMUT: Oh, that's a death cultist. 

    C-53: Oh, sure.

    BALLWHEAT: Aghh!!

    PLECK: Man, we are really knocking you off your game right now. Emperor, is everything okay? 

    BALLWHEAT: It's just a focus issue right now more than anything. 

    DAR: If Nermut and I are going to get married, I need someone to stand in for Dad and fight Nermut with this sacred staff. 

    [Dar swings the staff around]

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, what I was gonna - 

    NERMUT: You wanna do it? 

    BALLWHEAT: No! No! 

    BARGIE: That’s so nice of you.

    BALLWHEAT: That's it, that's it. 

    PLECK: What? 

    BALLWHEAT: We're doing dungeon, we're just doing straight up dungeon. 

    [Ballwheat snaps]

    DAR: Ooh, this is the perfect venue. 

    BALLWHEAT: SHUT UP! 

    BARGIE: Honestly, this is my dream.

    DAR: I love it. 

    NERMUT: This is cool. 

    JUSTIN: This is so hardcore, Dad, I love it! 

    BALLWHEAT: Shut up! Everyone gets in chains. 

    [everyone shouts]

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, now we're in a dungeon- 

    PLECK: I'm sorry, are these- these are what? iron chains? 

    BALLWHEAT: Yes. 

    AJ: Ya basic!

    BALLWHEAT: What?

    PLECK: You put chains around a ship? 

    AJ: Yeah, I can just do this- I'm dislocating my shoulder and my knee.

    [AJ’s bones crack]

    BALLWHEAT: Shut up! No, get back in the chain. 

    BARGIE: The chain came off. Should I get to put it back on myself? 

    BALLWHEAT: Yes, please. Please do. 

    NERMUT: This ankle bracelet is bigger than my whole body. 

    BALLWHEAT: Shut up! Just everyone-

    C-53: You did one size of chain? 

    BALLWHEAT: I just... Alright. 

    C-53: Did you just use a standard manacle? That doesn't make any sense. 

    BALLWHEAT: [exasperated] I'm omnipotent. I'm omnipotent. 

    [Pleck starts laughing]

    BALLWHEAT: What? What's so funny? What's so funny? 

    PLECK: This is great! Don't you understand what's happening? 

    BALLWHEAT: What? 

    PLECK: We're winning. I'm beating you!

    BALLWHEAT: You're not beating me. You're just being… obnoxious. 

    PLECK: Yeah, well, what's the difference? As long as we keep you from destroying the galaxy, being obnoxious is sort of our whole thing. So, tuck in, baby. 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay. Alright. Justin, stand behind Daddy while he blasts these idiots into oblivion, okay? 

    SEESU: Oh, come on!

    BALLWHEAT: I'm calling down evil lightning. Evil red lightning on all of you. 

    [lightning strikes]

    [everyone groans]

    PLECK: That really hurts! 

    C-53: Very- sophisticated pain!

    AJ: I've never seen red lightning, it's badass. 

    SEESU: I am so tight! 

    CENTURION: Oh, man, your dad is frying me! 

    PLECK: You should have done this right at the beginning, aghh!

    AJ: Badass!

    NERMUT: Wait, you could have done this the whole time? 

    BALLWHEAT: Yes, yes, I should have thought of this earlier. I'm just going to kill you all now and destroy the galaxy later. Perfect. It feels good to be bad, I'm not going to lie. Yeah! Hahaha!

    MYSTERY VOICE: Enough. 

    NERMUT: Huh? 

    MYSTERY VOICE: That's enough. 

    PLECK: Who is- Who is that? 

    SEESU: Who is that?

    NERMUT: Do we only have the venue till now? Do we have to leave? 

    MYSTERY VOICE: That's enough, Ballwheat. You will not hurt my friends anymore.

    NERMUT: I can't see in the dark. Who is that? 

    DAR: Who is... 

    MYSTERY VOICE: It is I…Taga! 

    [heavenly light shines down and the crew gasp]

    BARGIE: Wow! 

    SEESU: Oh, my Rodd. 

    BEANO: It is I, the Beanochron. 

    BARGIE: Beano? 

    PLECK: Beano? 

    BARGIE: But you're so large. 

    NERMUT: Beano, you're enormous. 

    PLECK: You're 30 feet tall, floating towards us. 

    BEANO: This is my final form as the Beanochron. 

    PLECK: Chiseled. 

    BARGIE: It's incredibly attractive.

    C-53: Now that is one hot bean. 

    [Horsehat laughs]

    DAR: And super naked.

    BARGIE: Yeah.

    SEESU: I've never seen anything as tight as the Beanochron before. 

    PLECK: So it was a sex thing this whole time. 

    BALLWHEAT: It wasn't a sex thing! 

    NERMUT: It's gonna be. 

    PLECK: I mean, it should be. 

    DAR: Hey, Beano? 

    BEANO: It is I.

    DAR: Beano, why are you using that voice? 

    BEANO: This is the voice of the Beanochron. 

    BARGIE: I like it. 

    BEANO: Cosmic power grows from my abs and my traps as well, and also my lats! BALLWHEAT: Beanochron, it's fine. You know, everything's fine here. Let's just get to raising the galaxy. 

    BEANO: No, no. The power of the Allwheat is no longer yours to wield. 

    BALLWHEAT: Okay, let's not... 

    BEANO: You were trying to hurt the crew. The Beanochron will protect the crew. It wuvs so much. Beano and Bargie. Bargie and Beano. Beano and Bargie love. 

    [angelic music plays]

    C-53: The sheer force of the sound!

    PLECK: It's like looking into a supernova with my ears! 

    SEESU: This might be the answer all along. It might save us. 

    [music stops]

    BEANO: But you don't like my voice?

    DAR: I mean, no. Love everything else. 

    NERMUT: I love the shoulder length hair, but not the voice. 

    BARGIE: Right, yeah. 

    DAR: Yeah. 

    BEANO: [in normal voice] Is this better? 

    DAR: Beano! 

    PLECK: Yay, Beano! 

    SEESU: Beano! 

    C-53: It's certainly more familiar.

    BARGIE: Oh, my sweet beano. 

    BEANO: The Beanochron says that your reign of terror is finally over, Gunther Ballwheat. Beanochron! 

    BALLWHEAT: Alright. No, no, no, no. Now, now, now. Uh, Beanochron, we were just about to destroy the 

    BEANO: Beano don't want to hear the story of Beano anymore. Because Beano want to write the story of Beano. Beano has lived through thousands of millennia. Beano has seen galaxies swirl from dust, planets formed, life. Beano has seen it all. But Beano has never experienced… wuv.. until he had met the crew of Bargie. That is why Beano will stop you. 

    BALLWHEAT: [nervous] No, Beanochron, don't say anything too hasty because we are one. 

    BEANO: Gunther Ballwheat, this throuple is over! 

    BALLWHEAT: No, Beano, stop! 

    BEANO: Pleckthaniel! Let us vanquish him by joining our powers together. 

    PLECK: Yes, yes! 

    BEANO: Grab on to my deltoid! 

    PLECK: I... What? Which- which one is that again? 

    BEANO: It's- it’s my shoulder. It's right here. I’m- I’m pointing at it.

    PLECK: I would never know that you'd have to... If you're going to talk about anatomy-

    BEANO: Just shut up and put your hand on my shoulder. 

    BALLWHEAT: I could face the perfect suburban world with you! 

    BEANO: Beanochron no like chain restaurants. Beano. Shop. Local!

    [angelic music plays again]

    BALLWHEAT: [fading away] Nooo!

    PLECK: Oh my Rodd! 

    SEESU: Wow!

    PLECK: He just vaporized the emperor! 

    AJ: Whoa! 

    JUSTIN: Dad! 

    CENTURION: Whoa! 

    DAR: Wait, why is everything melting? 

    C-53: It would seem with the loss of the emperor, the quantum structure of the Allwheat It is beginning to destabilize. 

    DAR: Oh no. 

    NERMUT: Stuff’s falling. 

    PLECK: No! 

    JUSTIN: My wedding! 

    HARK: It's like the very fabric of space itself is being torn apart.

    C-53: Very unusual. 

    DAR: Where's the ground? Where's the ground? Oh baby. 

    AJ: This is scary and rad. 

    SEESU: Crew, everyone get on Bargie. 

    PLECK: Everybody get on the ship. 

    SEESU: Everybody get on Bargie. 

    NERMUT: There's room for everyone but Karn.

    BARGIE: I'm starting to melt, yeah, everybody hurry up. 

    NERMUT: [straining] I'm just gonna try to bring this rock with.

    PLECK: No, Nermut, leave the rock!

    NERMUT: [straining] I want it. 

    C-53: Why would you bring the rock? 

    NERMUT: It's important to me.

    AJ: I got it. I got the rock. 

    PLECK: No, don't.

    NERMUT: Thanks. 

    AJ: I'm moving slower, though. 

    C-53: Yes. Drop the rock. It'll speed you up. 

    NERMUT: Don't do it. Bring it. 

    [Rolphus and Seesu loudly make out]

    PLECK: Rolphus and Seesu, stop making out and get on the ship. 

    NERMUT: Oh, wow, they’re going at it.

    CENTURION: Dad, ugh! Stop holding my hand. 

    ROLPHUS: If we're going to be melted, we'll be melted as a family. 

    SEESU: Stop talking and start kissing. 

    NERMUT: I don't want to be promoted to this family. 

    PLECK: Beano! Beano, get on the ship! 

    BEANO: Beano, holding time and space together for the crew. 

    NERMUT: Oh, look at him flex.

    SEESU: Beano, you're a hero. 

    BEANO: [straining] Beano, really working deltoids and triceps at the same time. Calf Muscles a ENGAGE! 

    C-53: He activated leg day! 

    BEANO: Squat to keep reality together! 

    NERMUT: I'm gonna say it, those are buxom Legs.

    BARGIE: I agree Finally someone gets the buxom Legs.

    AJ: That's Zyxx’s ass right there. 

    BEANO: [singing] The Beanochron is sorry crew, Beanochron know this is the only way. Beano… wuv.. Crew..

    DAR: [gasp] Beano, no!

    [music swells]

    [the crew all groan]

    [a pause]

    DAR: Great. Jucking great. 

    [outro music plays, but glitches out]


    BALLWHEAT: Oh, oh, you are going to love this one. 

    HOLOSCREEN PRESENTER: And in what is sure to go down as one of the most unusual elections of all time, Nermut Bundaloy, a functionary within the Seesu Gundu campaign, has been named Leader of the Galaxy. 


    C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions joined, commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter and Karn were played by Alden Ford. C-53, Hark Tardigast, Ted Ronka, and The Election Reporter were played by Jeremy Bent. Captain Dar, Jeremiah, and The Lady on Fire were played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship, Seesu Gundu, Justin Ballwheat, Wink, The Tiny Criminal, The Shrimp Lady, and Timpy the Germ were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Hastooie Winko, The Blazing Rochester, Willip the Germ, and Galactic Leader-elect Nermut Bundaloy were played by Seth Lind. AJ, Emperor Ballwheat, Rolphus Tiddle, Centurion Tiddle, Allergy Eyedrops, Sammo, Beano, and Hot Beano were played by Winston Noel. With special guests Jordan Carlos as IQQ, John Robert Wilson as the Growermind of the K’hekk, and Leslie Collins as Miss Janelle Fitzmayer. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Additional music by Shane O'Connell. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade and finale episode art by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Thank you so much to all our supporters on Maximum Fun who make this show possible, including forthcoming monthly off-season episodes. 


    [Promo: Triple Click]

    KIRK: Video games.

    JASON: Video games!

    MADDY: Video… games. You like ‘em?

    JASON: Maybe you wish you had more time for them?

    KIRK: Maybe you want to know the best ones to play?

    JASON: Maybe you want to know what happens to Mario when he dies?

    MADDY: In that case, you should check out Triple Click. It’s a brand new podcast about video games.

    JASON: A podcast about video games? But I don’t have time for that!

    KIRK: Sure you do. Once a week, kick back as three video game experts give you everything from critical takes on the hottest new releases…

    JASON: …to scoops, interviews, and explanations about how video games work…

    MADDY: …to fascinating and sometimes weird stories about the games we love.

    KIRK: Triple Click is hosted by me, Kirk Hamilton…

    JASON: Me, Jason Schreier…

    MADDY: And me, Maddy Myers.

    KIRK: You can find Triple Click wherever you get your podcasts, and listen at MaximumFun.org.

    MADDY: Bye!

    [promo: Dr. GameShow]

    HOST: Hey, you've reached Dr. GameShow. Leave your message after the beep. 

    SARAH: Hi, this is Sarah, and I'd like to tell you about Dr. GameShow. Dr. GameShow is a band of geniuses or nerds or brilliant artists or kids or some combination of all of those who get together to make a show like no other that's family friendly. It's an interactive call-in game show podcast. When I found Dr. GameShow, I found joy. I told my friends and family that if they weren't listening, they were wasting joy. I sent them the episodes that made me laugh until I cried. I played it for them in the car. They laughed, too. Laughed their butts off. But they still don't listen on their own, so they're wasting joy. And I keep looking for someone to understand me. Maybe it's you. Give Dr. GameShow a listen and 7 find joy. 

    VOICE 3: Listen to Dr. GameShow on Maximum Fun. New episodes every other Wednesday. MaximumFun.org

    Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. 


    [outtake]

    SEESU: I can tell Centurion's footsteps from anywhere. 

    NERMUT: It's like storms are brewing from every point in the distance. 

    AJ: Seems like the ultimate tracking fob is a mother's love. 

    MOUJAN: And you're like, oh, they're fully making out. 

    ALLIE: Yeah, yeah. I was like, Rolphus has said that, right? 

    SETH: Yeah. Wait, what if AJ's like, no, this is the ultimate tracking. 

    AJ: No, no, I've got the ultimate fob. It's giant. You guys want to see?

    NERMUT: Come on. 

    C-53: AJ, this is like a surfboard. 

    AJ: Yeah! 

    C-53: It's totally impractical. 

    NERMUT: What are you tracking? 

    AJ: It doesn't track anything, it's just fun.

    SETH: It's like the novelty fob from the store. 

    ALDEN: It was outside of the fob store. 

    AJ: Yeah, they had it outside the fob store, but they let me-

    C-53: It's just a display, a giant display fob. 

    SETH: Wait it's beeping… nevermind 

    ALDEN: No it's noT-

    [everyone laughing]

    JEREMY: You want to throw another ball in here?

    SETH: It can’t be, it can't be.


Seth Lind