The Greeflax Hour
A radio host gets a call from a pair of lost souls.
-
[radio static fades into music]
GREEFLAX: And that was going out to Kargon as an apology for wrecking his wife's hyperdrive. Kargon, I hope she takes you back. You're up late with Greeflax.
SINGER: ♪ It's late at night ♪ ♪ It's Greeflax ♪ ♪
GREEFLAX: We’re doing dedications all night long, so please call in and let's see if Greeflax can help you out. Hello caller, you're on the air with Greeflax. What's your name?
WHINGA: [distressed] Oh man, my name is Whinga.
GREEFLAX: Whinga, why don't you tell us what's going on?
WHINGA: You know how sometimes your best friend marries somebody and then you make out with them at the wedding?
GREEFLAX: Now, just to be clear, you make out with the best friend or the person your best friend was marrying?
WHINGA: Yeah. Yeah. Both.
GREEFLAX: Which, both, well.
WHINGA: Both.
GREEFLAX: That surely is a quandary, Whinga.
WHINGA: So I'm trying to think what kind of song can apologize to two people at the same time.
GREEFLAX: Now, Whinga, this is… not the first time I've heard this particular tale of woe, so.
WHINGA: [surprised] Wh-wha, really?
GREEFLAX: I think I might just have the perfect song for you.
WHINGA: The ceremony's still going on.
GREEFLAX: Going out to the bride and groom, who I hope are tuned into this show at their reception, it's “Three Times Three = You and Me.”
[Greeflax plays a smooth song]
DEEV: [over the PA] And we're clear, good stuff, Greeflax.
GREEFLAX: Thank you, Deev. You know, a guy makes out with a bride and groom and assumes that's the first time I've ever had that caller? I mean, how long we been doing this, Deev?
DEEV: Oh man, decades, my friend.
GREEFLAX: Yeah, so.
DEEV: This isn't our first asteroid shower, you know.
GREEFLAX: Yeah, you're not kidding.
DEEV: I sit here in the booth, I tear my nodes out when I hear people call in talking about their infidelities, their mistakes, their love triangles, and their regrets.
GREEFLAX: Deev, it really seems to get to you.
DEEV: [upset] And their betrayals, and their anger.
GREEFLAX: Yeah.
DEEV: And their long distance relationships. Their daddy issues, their forgotten anniversaries, and their romantic feelings towards inanimate–
[phone ringing]
DEEV: Oh, we got another call coming in here, hot. Greeflax, you have about five seconds.
GREEFLAX: Count me in, Deev.
DEEV: All right, five, four, three, two.
[music fades]
GREEFLAX: Welcome back to The Greeflax Hour. That was “Three Times Three = You and Me.” Whinga, I hope that smooths things over. Caller, you're on the line with Greeflax.
SINGER: It's Greeflax.
GREEFLAX: What's going on?
SEESU: [alien-sounding gibberish]
GREEFLAX: Okay, having a little translation issue. Just gonna see if Deev can dial that in.
DEEV: I don't, I'm not familiar with this language, Greeflax. I've never heard this before in my life.
GREEFLAX: That's all right, Deev, no need to panic. Let's just give it a few seconds, see if we can.
SEESU: [static] Hello? Can you hear us?
ROLPHUS: Hello, hello? Who’s out there?
GREEFLAX: Yes, yes we can. Hello, you're talking to Greeflax.
SEESU: This is Seesu Gundu.
ROLPHUS: This is Rolphus Tiddle.
GREEFLAX: Okay.
SEESU: And this is a distress call.
ROLPHUS: A distress call from the Bargerean Jade, code 5945.
SEESU: Hello?
GREEFLAX: All right, listeners, we've got Seesu and Rolphus on the line who say they're having some distress. Well, Seesu and Rolphus, you're on the line with Greeflax.
SEESU: Well, the biggest distress at the moment is we're not exactly sure where we are. Last we were in the Allwheat.
ROLPHUS: We were thrown from the Allwheat.
GREEFLAX: You know, it's natural to be distressed when you and your partner aren't sure where you are in your relationship.
ROLPHUS: It might've been a dimensional rip or hole. We're not exactly sure what happened.
SEESU: Right.
GREEFLAX: Sure, sure. Greeflax has heard it all. Now, Rolphus, let me ask you, where do you think you are?
ROLPHUS: Well, I mean, that's why we're, I mean, I'm on the Bargerean Jade. I'm doing a distress call shift with Seesu here. Everyone else is asleep. If I knew where I was, we wouldn't be doing any of that.
GREEFLAX: Uh-huh, and what does Seesu mean to you?
SEESU: What?
ROLPHUS: What?
GREEFLAX: I said, what does Seesu mean to you, Rolphus?
SEESU: What?
ROLPHUS: What?
SEESU: What? Why?
DEEV: [confused] The connection, I just gotta break in here, Greeflax. The connection is perfect. There's no, they're hearing you. I'm positive they're hearing you.
GREEFLAX: Okay, all right. Well, sometimes they might need a moment to collect their feelings. I'll go back to you, Seesu. What does Rolphus mean to you?
SEESU: I mean, well, at this point in time, Rolphus is helping me make a distress call.
ROLPHUS: [suddenly] We used to be married.
GREEFLAX: Oh, okay.
SEESU: We used to be married. We were coworkers and it became something deeper and we had a lasting relationship I thought would be forever, but apparently not.
ROLPHUS: We've been through a lot. I mean, this one time we were at a wedding and I ended up making out with her and her best friend. And it was, I mean, that was really hard to get through.
GREEFLAX: Well, no doubt.
ROLPHUS: Yeah.
SEESU: [upset] But why Martha, Rolphus?
ROLPHUS: I don't know. She laughed at my jokes. You never did. And I'm funny. I'm a funny guy.
GREEFLAX: Okay, okay. Why don't I step in here for a second? Now, I can hear that the two of you are very passionate about the other person. Is that fair to say?
ROLPHUS: That's right. I could feel the old heat back when we were in this. Again, it's a strange dimensional warp. We're not exactly sure where we were spit out of. It exploded. So, I mean, we're just glad that we're not dead because that was kind of a prevailing theory for a while.
GREEFLAX: Sure, sure.
SEESU: [slowly] Look, I will admit our sexual tension is palpable. Hot, hot, hot. Palpable.
ROLPHUS: Palpable.
GREEFLAX: Okay, all right.
SEESU: And I've not been able to find someone whose heat can, can, um…
[long pause]
DEEV: Rival? Oh, sorry. Sorry, go ahead.
SEESU: Could rival that of Rolphus, but it does not mean that we're a good match.
ROLPHUS: I'm one of a kind, baby. And again, just any supplies. Again, if we could pinpoint our coordinates, triangulate them somehow.
GREEFLAX: Well, Rolphus, let me tell you what I hear as Greeflax, you know, romantic advice host for, well, who knows how many years.
ROLPHUS: What?
GREEFLAX: I would say you have some problems, but let's be honest, you're together right now and you called in together.
ROLPHUS: Right, we're switching off on the distress call.
SEESU: Right, I mean, did we choose to be paired with each other? Yes, it's because we're… why did we choose to be paired with each other, Rolphus?
ROLPHUS: I don't know.
GREEFLAX: Interesting question, Rolphus. What's your answer?
ROLPHUS: It's our shift. We tagged out C-53 and Dar and, I mean, I wasn't gonna be with AJ and–
SEESU: I wasn't gonna be with Nermut. There's a weird energy between us right now.
ROLPHUS: He's too needy, he's too needy.
GREEFLAX: So just to set the scene, it's the two of you in the dark of a starship all alone together.
ROLPHUS: Yeah.
GREEFLAX: I think I might–
ROLPHUS: Can we also say that we're adrift in space and we don't know where we are? And it's very scary.
GREEFLAX: I think that was implied by starship.
ROLPHUS: Was it?
GREEFLAX: So my advice is to grab a bottle of Danubrian wine. Just let the soft glow of the console illuminate the room and drift off with The Sky's the Limit.
SEESU: [confused] Will that help you find us?
ROLPHUS: What is that, is that code? What is The Sky's the Limit?
GREEFLAX: By the Cosmosians.
ROLPHUS: No, no.
SEESU: What?
ROLPHUS: No, no.
[Greeflax plays the song]
DEEV: And we're clear. Wow! Real goofballs.
GREEFLAX: Yeah, a couple of crazy kids.
DEEV: Can't they tell they're in love? Can't they just admit it to each other and to themselves and to the world? The galaxy?
GREEFLAX: I think it's pretty clear those two kids are, well, they've got that. Hey, so, Deev, tell me how’d it work out with that young thing you were talking about last week?
DEEV: Oh, Jamaque? She said we needed to take a break. She said I spent too much time in the booth. This booth.
GREEFLAX: [sympathetic] Oh, Deev.
DEEV: The booth I'm in now.
GREEFLAX: I'm so sorry.
DEEV: Yeah.
GREEFLAX: You want me to dedicate one to her when we get back or?
DEEV: Wish I could call you and tell you all about it and then you could play it and then she would hear it.
GREEFLAX: Oh, Deev, you know, I don't want to tell you what to do, but if you need to call into the show, call into the show.
DEEV: You know, Greeflax, I talk a lot about how I resent all of these callers and it turns out, you know, I made some mistakes. Oh, we got a caller back in five, four, three, two.
[phone ringing]
GREEFLAX: That was "The Sky's the Limit" by the Cosmosians. We've got a new caller on the line. Caller, you're on with Greeflax and The Greeflax Hour. What's going on? -
SEESU: [upset] Why did you hang up on us?
ROLPHUS: We are lost in space.
SEESU: Tell us where to go.
ROLPHUS: Help us, please. This is a distress call.
GREEFLAX: Okay, so it sounds like "The Sky's the Limit" wasn't the right one. [laughter] Once again, you're listening to the Greeflax Hour.
SINGER: [singing] It's Greeflax.
GREEFLAX: We're talking love. Unfortunately, love don't pay the bills, but you know who does?
ROLPHUS: What?
GREEFLAX: One of our fine sponsors.
ROLPHUS: [baffled] No, hey.
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GREEFLAX: And you're back with the Greeflax Hour.
SINGER: [singer] ♪ It's late at night ♪ ♪ It's Greeflax ♪
ROLPHUS: [desperate] Please help us, we are adrift in space. We don't know where we are.
GREEFLAX: Hmm, so you're feeling lost, is that it?
SEESU: Yes, we're very lost.
ROLPHUS: Yes, we're lost.
SEESU: Yes.
GREEFLAX: You're saying you've got no one to turn to, is that right?
ROLPHUS: Well, no, there's 10 other people here with us. Seesu's always somebody I can depend on. I've always thought--
SEESU: [upset] Sure, if you were there. If you didn't disappear for a whole year.
ROLPHUS: Well, I'm here now.
SEESU: Okay. Alright.
ROLPHUS: And I went into a flaming black hole for you.
SEESU: [angrily] Oh, here we go.
ROLPHUS: No, I did.
GREEFLAX: Okay, okay.
ROLPHUS: [angrily] I didn't have to.
GREEFLAX: All right, all right. It's getting a little heated in here, but Rolphus, can I ask you a question?
ROLPHUS: Sure, again, I can beam you a signal and maybe you can--
GREEFLAX: It's related.
ROLPHUS: Okay, great, good.
GREEFLAX: Rolphus, where'd you go? Seesu says you weren't there for her and I just wanna know, where'd you go? What's more important?
SEESU: [hushed] Where were you, Rolphus? Where did you go?
ROLPHUS: [sarcastically] Huh, I guess I was captured by a group of CLINTs after the Battle of the Planet of Crusher Crushers and I infiltrated them, snapped a few necks, managed to infiltrate their society until I found the perfect opportunity to perform a rescue. But now as I'm saying it, I think you meant emotionally, so I will say work. And that is what I thought was best at the time.
GREEFLAX: And Seesu, let me ask you, was that the best thing?
SEESU: [sadly] No, it wasn't.
ROLPHUS: I've never seen you cry before.
SEESU: Well, that's because I never had pores before, but the past couple of months have been a little stressful. And yes, I have developed one pore that now sometimes cries tears.
GREEFLAX: [baffled] Well, the fact that you think a tear duct is a pore might give us some insight into your inability to connect.
SEESU: I'll give you that.
ROLPHUS: You look incredibly smooth to me.
SEESU: Really, why wasn't I smooth at that wedding?
ROLPHUS: Again, she laughed at my jokes. I don't know what else you want me to say about the-
SEESU: Tell me a joke. Tell me a joke right now and I will laugh at it.
ROLPHUS: Okay, I’m funny, I– Hey, Greeflax.GREEFLAX: Yes, Rolphus?
ROLPHUS: [smirking] Why did the Flizbot stop at the meteor?
GREEFLAX: I don't know, Rolphus. Why did the Flizbot stop at the meteor?
ROLPHUS: Well, it was because it's in its programming. It was programmed to do that. I mean, you know what a Flizbot is. It's kind of funny when you know what a Flizbot is.
SEESU: [confused] Do you want me to laugh? Is that…
GREEFLAX: I can't say I've heard of a Flizbot, but I think I know what you're going for and it's not working.
ROLPHUS: No, but I'm not telling you, right? Hold on, hold on. Let me try again.
GREEFLAX: Rolphus, why don't you let Greeflax talk for just a second?
ROLPHUS: Okay, all right.
GREEFLAX: I understand it's important to you to feel validated.
ROLPHUS: Yeah, yeah, I'm so funny.
GREEFLAX: But look around you right now. Is Martha from the wedding still here? No.
ROLPHUS: No, she's dead.
GREEFLAX: She's dead. And who is right next to you?
ROLPHUS: [hushed] My wife.
GREEFLAX: Your wife.
ROLPHUS: Seesu Gundu.
GREEFLAX: Seesu Gundu.
ROLPHUS: Well, ex-wife. Ex-wife, maybe wife. Seesu Gundu.
GREEFLAX: And Seesu, who's standing next to you?
SEESU: Bargie's refrigerator?
GREEFLAX: No.
ZALCATRON 5000: I ‘ M H O N O R E D T O B E T H O U G H T O F T H A T W A Y.
SEESU: You always do great work, Zalcatron 5000.
ZALCATRON 5000: T H A N K Y O U.
GREEFLAX: Okay, that wasn't who I was asking about.
ROLPHUS: Other side.
SEESU: Oh, my former partner in business and in pleasure. Rolphus.
GREEFLAX: I'm glad the two of you have found your way back to each other, 'cause we are headed back. Back in time to this classic love song called "Turn Back the Clock."
[Greeflax plays another song]
DEEV: And we're clear. Oh, man, talk about the airwave hogs, right? Oh, boy.
GREEFLAX: Deev, not to get on your case about this, but I think you should be screening these calls.
[phone ringing]
DEEV: You know, listen, I apologize. I got another one coming in right now. I promise it is not those two.
GREEFLAX: Okay. Well, I'd love to hear it. Thanks, Deev. Count me in.
DEEV: We're back in five, four, three, two.
GREEFLAX: You know, sometimes the shorter songs are the best songs, and that was the case with "Turn Back the Clock." But we've got a new caller on the line. Caller, you're on with Greeflax.
SINGER: [singer] It's Greeflax.
GREEFLAX: What's going on?
ANON: [sobbing] Can you play "You Broke My Heart and You Broke My Other Heart"?
GREEFLAX: Absolutely we can, caller. But who's it for and who are you?
ANON: [angrily] Oh, I don't wanna give my name, and I do not wanna give her name.
GREEFLAX: [laughs] Well, all right.
ANON: [despairing] And I done mucked up, I tell you. I done mucked up real bad this time.
[static breaks and Rolphus and Seesu butt back in]
SEESU: Hello? Can you hear us? Are we back?
ROLPHUS: Can you hear us? We changed frequencies. I think we're back on. Again, we are in an undisclosed part of space.
SEESU: Yes.
ROLPHUS: I've sent out distress.
DEEV: [confused] Greeflax, I do not know how this happened. I do not know. I was on the line with that weird guy, and now it's these two again.
GREEFLAX: Deev, it's all right, it's all right. I can tell that Rolphus and Seesu, well, we haven't done this in a while, but we're gonna have to Go Deep With Greeflax. [chimes] And that means it's time for Greeflax’s Deep Questions. Now, Rolphus and Seesu, I'm gonna ask you five questions about your relationship, and if you're willing to go deep, I think that's where you'll find the love. Are you willing to go deep?
SEESU: And the coordinates for our location?
ROLPHUS: Yeah, and the sort of-triangula–
GREEFLAX: It's more of a metaphorical location. Are you willing to go deep with me, Rolphus, Seesu?
ROLPHUS: I mean, at this point, any sort of location would be welcome.
GREEFLAX: Fantastic. First question goes to Rolphus. Rolphus, if Seesu were to disappear, what would you do?
ROLPHUS: [proudly]Well, I think I'd probably assemble a crackerjack team to scour, we go quadrant by quadrant, check every perimeter, searching for her.
GREEFLAX: So it's, Rolphus, safe to say that you can't give Seesu up.
ROLPHUS: Oh, that's the question, yes, right, yes.
GREEFLAX: Excellent. And Seesu, second question goes to you. What is Rolphus's worst quality, and then his best?
SEESU: Wow, well, I've written this already. I have a letter I've always wanted to send him, but I never did. I just might as well read from it.
[paper rustling]
ROLPHUS: Wha-
SEESU: [reading] Rolphus, your worst quality is your narcissism, your belief that you're the only one that matters when things get not so tight, you’re avoidant when the going gets rough, you think of things in the worst way, and you like to pretend it happened when it already didn't without giving it a chance.
ROLPHUS: Brutal letter.
DEEV: Yeah, we’re already at five bad things. We haven't, supposed to just, sorry to interrupt, but that's five.
GREEFLAX: That's okay, Deev.
DEEV: Worst qualities.
SEESU: And you're not funny, honestly. Like, you know jokes. I understand you're telling them, but they don't come off as funny.
GREEFLAX: Seesu, I think we've got the worst characteristics covered. So why don't you tell me his best characteristic?
SEESU: Okay, let me just find that one. Just a second, I'm out of, okay. [long pause] Rolphus, I… I love you.
GREEFLAX: Wow.
SEESU: [laughing] Oh wait, that's not a positive thing about him, right?
DEEV: Yeah. That's not. It's not really a quality. If it's in the pro or con list, that could honestly be a pro or a con, depending on how.
GREEFLAX: Okay, Deev, okay.
SEESU: Okay, here is a pro. You know where we are at all times.
ROLPHUS: [sobs]
[cast laughs]
GREEFLAX: Okay, you know, sometimes when we go deep, it's tough, right?
SEESU: [quietly] Need to update that one.
GREEFLAX: It can get a little heavy. So sometimes it's nice for a commercial break, isn't it? Let's go to one now and I'll see you on the other side.
ANNOUNCER: The Greeflax Hour is brought to you by Libby.
PROY: [upset] Wow, Luzanne, can you get off your phone? We met up at this coffee shop to recommend products to each other. You, an enthusiast, and me, a jaded skeptic.
LUZANNE: [cheerfully] Actually, Proy, I'm reading a book on Libby, the completely free reading app that lets you borrow eBooks and audio books from your library on your phone, tablet, Kindle, or computer. You should try it.
PROY: I don't have a library card.
LUZANNE: Oh, no problem. You can still read samples of any book you see. And then, you know, get a library card.
PROY: Mm, nah. In addition to being argumentative and condescending, I'm also irresponsible, which means I have paid a lot of late fees at the library.
LUZANNE: Don't worry. When you borrow books from Libby, they return themselves automatically when your loan expires. So find a book you'll love among the thousands of eBooks and audio books hand-selected by your library. You can explore the collection through catalog guides, subjects, featured titles, and curated lists. So start reading with Libby now. Go to meet.libbyapp.com to sign up.
PROY: You know what? I will. I'll do that at meet.libbyapp.com. And you know what else? I'm gonna start being a nice person. I'm only sassy because I'm insecure inside my heart. And actually, Luzanne, I respect you because you came through and you recommended a product.
LUZANNE: That's meet.libbyapp.com.
PROY: I know.
ANNOUNCER: The Greeflax Hour is not responsible for helping you remain humble after learning a crazy amount of stuff through books borrowed on Libby, nor will the producers of The Greeflax Hour help you decide what to purchase with all the money you save by no longer buying expensive eBooks or audio books.
[music plays]
GREEFLAX: And we’re back. Now, normally on The Greeflax Hour, we talk to dozens of callers from all over the galaxy. But tonight, we found an extra thorny one. So we're digging in here with Rolphus and Seesu.
SINGER: ♪ It's late at night ♪ ♪ It's Greeflax ♪
GREEFLAX: Now, Rolphus, I want you to make one statement about your relationship with Seesu, a “we” statement that you are gonna make come true in the future.
SEESU: Okay.
ROLPHUS: We will never again get shot out of the butthole of an imploding evil black hole via the power of this incredibly swole bean. I promise you that.
GREEFLAX: Seesu, he said that and he meant it. Okay, the next question is for you. Imagine the star you're closest to has gone supernova. You have 10 seconds to tell Rolphus how you feel before you're both atomized forever. Your 10 seconds start.
[timer ticks]
SEESU: I actually did a Reb Talk about the subject. I didn't use the name Rolphus, but it was for you. I don't know if you watched it.
[timer ends]
DEEV: That's 10 seconds.
GREEFLAX: That's all the time we have, I'm so sorry.
ROLPHUS: What? NO-
GREEFLAX: Yeah. I want you to remember that. Now, the final question, the final question goes to both of you.
SEESU: Oh.
ROLPHUS: Okay.
GREEFLAX: And the question is, do you want to be together?
SEESU: [laughs] What? I mean, that is a question.
ROLPHUS: [laughs] What a question.
SEESU: That's definitely a question that you have asked us.
GREEFLAX: Will you choose each other tonight?
ROLPHUS: [dramatic] Yes, yes, I will.
SEESU: Rolphus, you go first.
ROLPHUS: [angrily] I just said yes. You weren't listening. That's the thing, you don't listen. She never listens.
GREEFLAX: Rolphus, I hear you, but Seesu, what's your choice? Do you want to be with Rolphus? Will you choose him right now?
SEESU: Rolphus, it's difficult for me to just say yes.
GREEFLAX: What holds you back, Seesu?
SEESU: I don't need a Rolphus to be a Seesu, but at the same time, I need a Rolphus.
GREEFLAX: It sounds to me like you don't need a Rolphus to be a Seesu, but you do need a Rolphus to be you.
SEESU: Wow, it's like you took the words out of my mouth.
ROLPHUS: [annoyed] Do you just kind of say whatever, what's your deal?
SEESU: [growing anger] Yeah, you know what?
GREEFLAX: [confused] What's Greeflax's deal?
SEESU: Can we ask you a question?
GREEFLAX: Go right ahead.
SEESU: I know we've been focusing on many things here, but your energy with your producer is off the charts.
ROLPHUS: There's some heat there.
GREEFLAX: Oh, Deev, are you getting that vibe?
DEEV: [nervously sweating buckets] I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
[laughter]
DEEV: I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
GREEFLAX: [surprised] Deev, is there something you're not telling me?
DEEV: You? No, I don't know, I don't know.
GREEFLAX: Hey, Deev, I want you to look into my eyes. Tell me something you do know.
DEEV: Greeflax, I may just be a sentient oscillator whose only purpose is to interact with audio equipment, but I do know that working on The Greeflax Hour with Greeflax has been the honor of my life, and, uh, maybe it took these two weirdos to show me that.
ROLPHUS: Again, we are lost. We would really appreciate any sort of help. Again, supplies are dwindling.
GREEFLAX: Rolphus, Seesu, I'm gonna ask you to just hold tight for one second. I've gotta say something to my producer, Deev. Deev, well, maybe it's crazy, but I think we ought to give it a shot.
DEEV: Really?
GREEFLAX: I've been watching you for, well, I guess I don't even remember how long, and if you weren't there, I guess I don't know what I'd do, so I'm dedicating this next one to you, Deev.
DEEV: Me?
GREEFLAX: And this song is a reference tone, used to determine your position in the galaxy.
SEESU: Yes, oh wow, yes, this is exactly what we wanted.
ROLPHUS: Oh wow, thank you so much, yes.
GREEFLAX: But first, I'm gonna hang up on these callers so I can dedicate this to Deev and Deev alone.
ROLPHUS: [frantic] No, no, please, no, we just–
[phone hangs up]
SEESU: Oh, I can't believe he hung up again. We're never gonna find our way home.
ROLPHUS: But at least, at least we'll be together.
SEESU: [dreamily] Rolphus.
ROLPHUS: [dreamily] Seesu.
SEESU: Rolphus.
ROLPHUS: Seesu.
SEESU: Rolphus.
[Nermut skitters in]
NERMUT: Wait, you guys, you're holding hands.
ROLPHUS: Yes.
NERMUT: Wow.
ROLPHUS: We, we're back together.
SEESU: We're back together. Also, we accidentally super glued our hands together.
ROLPHUS: Yeah.
NERMUT: How do you, why would you even have that out?
SEESU: [upset] Yeah, why would we have that out, Rolphus?
ROLPHUS: [angrily] This is not on me.
NERMUT: Rolphus, your other hand is against the wall.
ROLPHUS: Yeah.
SEESU: Yeah, he's stuck there too.
NERMUT: Huh.
ROLPHUS: Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to make out with my ex-wife stuck against this wall.
NERMUT: Well, I have to do the next shift here with Pleck, so I guess we're gonna--
PLECK: Hey guys, why are you stuck to the wall?
SEESU: [exasperated] There are too many people on this ship.
ZALCATRON 5000: TELL ME ABOUT IT
[laughing]
[outro music]
JACKIE: I’m going first! It’s me, Jackie Kashian!
LAURIE: Man, she’s always this bossy! Hi, I’m Laurie Kilmartin, we’re a bunch of standup comics, and we’ve been doing comedy like sixty years total, both of us. But we look amazing! And, uh–
JACKIE: It’s all working out. We drop every Monday on MaxFun, it’s called The Jackie and Laurie Show, and you can listen to it, and learn about comedy, and learn about anger management, and all the things.
LAURIE: And Jackie is married but childless and I’m unmarried but childfull, so together we make—
JACKIE AND LAURIE: One complete woman!
KYLE: [laughs]
JACKIE: Is that how it’s gonna end–
LAURIE: Yeah!
JACKIE: And we try to make Kyle laugh, just like that, and say “oh my god” every episode.
KYLE: It’s a good job. Jackie and Laurie Show, Mondays, only on Maximum Fun.
JAMES: Hi, I’m James, the host of Minority Corner which is a–
SPEAKER A: –podcast that’s all about intersectionality, it’s hosted by James with a guest host every week–
SPEAKER B: –discussing all sorts of wonderful issues nerdy and political.
SPEAKER C: Pop culture.
SPEAKER D: Black, queer, feminism…
SPEAKER E: Race, sexuality.
SPEAKER F: News.
SPEAKER G: You’re gonna learn your history, there’s self empowerment, and it’s told by what feels like your best friend.
SPEAKER H: Why should someone listen to Minority Corner?
SPEAKER I: Why not?
SPEAKER H: Oh my god. Free stuff.
SPEAKER J: There’s not free stuff.
SPEAKER K: The listeners of Minority Corner will enjoy some necessary LOLs, but mainly a look at what’s happening in our world through a colorful lens.
SPEAKER L: People will get the perspective of–
SPEAKER M: Marginalized communities.
SPEAKER N: I feel heard, I feel seen.
SPEAKER O: Like you said, you need to understand how to be more proactive in your community and this is a great way to get started.
JAMES: Join us every Friday on MaximumFun.org, or wherever you get your podcasts.
ALL SPEAKERS: Minority Corner! Because together, we’re the majority.
MAXIMUM FUN: Maximumfun.org. - Comedy and culture. - Artist owned, audience supported.
GREEFLAX: Well, it's about time we heard from another caller. Deev, who have we got on the line?
DEEV: We got Shawn on line one.
GREEFLAX: Fantastic, Shawn, you're on with Greeflax on The Greeflax Hour, what's going on?
SHAWN: [definitely not Shane O’Connell] Oh, hey, Greeflax, long time listener, first time caller.
GREEFLAX: Oh, thank you very much.
SHAWN: And Deez, I just gotta say I'm such a huge fan and I'm actually an aspiring--
DEEV: It's Deev, it's Deev.
SHAWN: And Deev, I gotta say I'm such a huge fan and I'm an aspiring audio wizard myself. But I was actually looking to tell some people that they really hurt my feelings and if there's like a song you can play,
DEEV: What?
SHAWN: Yeah, I have these coworkers who I really love and we actually run our own internet radio show sort of.
GREEFLAX: Okay, all right.
SHAWN: Again, big fan, aspiring to be just like you guys. Yeah, you guys are like, it's like crazy I get to talk to you right now, but anyway, you know, we were doing an ad and I asked about whether or not we got any samples of the stuff we do ads for because there's like this, like one of those food delivery companies and sometimes they give us stuff.
GREEFLAX: To all you listeners out there in listener land, sometimes the products we advertise on the show, we do get a complimentary copy, that's true.
SHAWN: You know, I wanted to try these Memphis style meatballs that the company does and they said that they took the product for themselves, which is fine, but then they like wouldn't even give me the offer code and then they made a whole joke about it and none of my friends will tell me what the discount code is. So yeah, if there's just like a song you could play to let them know that, you know, they really hurt my feelings, but it's okay and you know.
GREEFLAX: Well, I think I've got a song in mind, Shawn, but first let me ask you, it hurts, doesn't it? When someone you thought was a friend, maybe doesn't treat you like a friend should.
SHAWN: It does, you know, I try to put on a strong face and let these things roll off my back, but I also, you know, I've been trying to stand up for myself a little more and--
GREEFLAX: That's good, Shawn.
SHAWN: Yeah.
GREEFLAX: And before I play my song, what would you say to those friends of yours if they were here right now?
SHAWN: Well, I would say, Adam, Steph, I know it was just in good fun, but you really did hurt my feelings when you made a joke about me not getting Memphis style meatballs.
GREEFLAX: Well, I hope they hear that, Shawn, and I hope they listen to you. But in the meantime, here's a dedication to Steph and Adam. You Did Me Wrong, I Kid You Not, by the one and only Jordan Bacorkan.
SETH: Green Chef was pretty good. Right, Alden?
[laughing]