L04: My 3 Son [LIVE ft. Zach Cherry]
The crew stops off at a watering hole, where they happen across an old pal who’s in a bit of a jam. C-53 puts a swing in his step. Nermut has a word with the bartender. Bargie helps out the little guy.
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Tuesday, May 22, 2018
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Between seasons 1 and 2
or
Moderately to immediately before Season 2
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C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5 with a brief message. The following episode of Mission to Zyxx was recorded live at Caveat in New York City, featuring returning fan favorite guest Zach Cherry! It takes place between seasons 1 and 2. And please join us March 17th, 2019 at Littlefield in Brooklyn for our season 3 premiere show. Tickets at missiontozyxx.space. Most importantly, thank you to all of our supporters on Maximum Fun for the warm welcome and for making our show possible. Enjoy.
[audience applause, cheering]
ALDEN: Hi everybody! We have a very exciting and returning guest here joining us tonight; please welcome out Zach Cherry!
[audience applause]
ALDEN: Fan favorite, cast favorite, Zach Cherry. Um… are you guys ready?
[cheering, applause]
ALDEN: Uh… so, we've decided this takes place moderately to immediately before the events of season 2. Keep that in mind, and, uh, enjoy. Here we go!
[intro music starts]
NARRATOR: It is a period of civil war. [music pauses] Again. Or, still.
[intro music starts again]
NARRATOR: The rebellion against the sinister and corrupt Federated Alliance grows stronger, and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance. Now, former Alliance Ambassador Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew return to the Zyxx quadrant, the most distant, crappy corner of the galaxy, and into the heart of an epic battle of fresh vs. wack. This… is Mission to Zyxx.
[audience applauds]
[theme music comes to a climax, then fades out]
PLECK: Hey, C-53.
C-53: Yes?
PLECK: Umm… do you, like, miss… bein’ in a body?
C-53: Oh. Yes, very much.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: It’s… y’know, it's interesting being inside, y’know, the cube slot in Bargie.
PLECK: Sure.
C-53: I get to see a lot of things I don’t get to see when I’m—
BARGIE: Yeah, a lot of my memories.
C-53: Yeah, there's a lot of memories in here.
PLECK: Oh wow.
BARGIE: It’s jucked up.
PLECK: Oh wow, jeez.
C-53: Yeah, there's—there's a lot of stuff in there that I don't really wanna go poking around in.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: But I get to see things that are very far away. Droid frames—sure, great vision close up, but I don't have any long-range sensors. Like, right now I'm observing… okay, cool, I've got a binary star, very far—
PLECK: You’re looking at stars while we're talking?
C-53: Yeah, of course I am.
PLECK: We're having a conversation right now, C-53.
C-53: Well, what are you looking at while we're talking?
PLECK: Uh… well, I've sort of decided that this display here is, like, you guys—
C-53: Okay. That’s—
PLECK: So I just sorta stare at that while I—
C-53: That's not accurate.
PLECK: No—well, I don't know! What do I—what should I be looking at? If you and I were to make eye contact, C-53, what would that—
C-53: Not necessary.
PLECK: Okay.
[Dar’s bedroom door slides open]
DAR: [euphemistically] Nermut, thank you for helping me hang that poster in my bedroom.
NERMUT: [nervously] Oh yeah—yeah, that was… uh… we made the posters real straight.
DAR: I, uh… am terrible at… hanging things.
PLECK: Okay, alright. Guys, y’know… I mean, I gotta say—I mean, first of all, Bargie and C-53 have sort of sensors everywhere, so they—they know what's going on, but like, even I know what's happening… between the two of you.
NERMUT: What do you—what do you mean? We’re all crewmates, and we—
C-53: Your situation is what we're gonna call Pleck-obvious.
[Pleck laughs]
NERMUT: Oh. That—that's the highest, most obvious form of being obvious.
PLECK: That’s the most—that’s the most—
DAR: It's almost like we just came out and said “we're hooking up.”
PLECK/NERMUT: Yeah.
C-53: Yeah, exactly. That's correct.
PLECK: I just gotta say, I—you guys don't have to hide it from—I'm excited for you guys, it’s very cool!
NERMUT: No, there was a hook in each corner of the poster—
PLECK: Okay…
NERMUT: —and we hung it…
C-53: There was a hook in the poster?
PLECK: I think we're past—I think we’re past—
NERMUT: Yeah, that’s—
DAR: Yep, that's how we hang posters… in my room.
C-53: I don’t—I don't think I want to know any more about this poster.
NERMUT: Huh. Okay.
DAR: Hm.
[brief silence]
PLECK: You guys are also very loud.
[Bargie, Dar, Nermut, and C-53 all agree at once]
C-53: Yeah, Dar occupies sort of the mid range, and Nermut takes a very high frequency…
NERMUT: Yeah.
BARGIE: Yep.
PLECK: Yeah. I just—
C-53: And it's almost impossible to ignore.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: And then, of course, the—the bass vibrations of—
PLECK: Sure. All of those mattresses moving in unison, yeah.
C-53: Yes, moving at once.
NERMUT: Yeah.
BARGIE: Anyway, everyone needs to be respectful. I’m part of a program called Big Ship, Little Ship, and I'm meeting my Little Ship today.
NERMUT: Aw!
PLECK: Oh, Bargie, that's really nice! That's a super noble thing to do.
BARGIE: Volunteering my time, I'm mentoring the ship with less parts before it becomes a fully formed ship.
PLECK: Yeah.
BARGIE: Telling about them—how life is like! You know, how horrible it is, and just give up immediately.
PLECK: Oh…
BARGIE: It’s never gonna get better. You try really hard, and you end up here, so what’s the point?
PLECK: Yeah Bargie, I think you’re supposed to encourage young people—
DAR: Yeah!
BARGIE: Why!? Why!?
C-53: I was about to say “that's a great way to give back,” but I don't know…
BARGIE: I’m giving back. We're gonna meet up, so it's all gonna be good. We’re goin’ to a bar.
PLECK: That's great. Is that happening soon, or…?
NERMUT: You're going to a bar?
BARGIE: I mean, we’re meeting up with my Little Ship at a bar. Straight to the point.
C-53: So… we’re—
BARGIE: A bar for ships.
PLECK: Wait, how old is this ship?
DAR: Yeah.
BARGIE: One.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
C-53: Oh wow, that's a new ship.
PLECK: Pretty new ship.
C-53: So we're—we're also, by extension, going to a bar.
BARGIE: Yup.
PLECK: Now is this a—
C-53: We don’t—we don't have a lot of say in that.
BARGIE: Nope.
PLECK: Yeah, Bargie, is this a bar for ships? Like, can sentients drink there?
BARGIE: Yeah, it's a bar for ships. Ships get together, hang out, talk about all the gossip, you know, what’s going on.
PLECK: No, that—that part I get—
BARGIE: But honestly, I—
NERMUT: If you’re 19 inches tall… in heels, could you be served in this bar?
BARGIE: Hm. I—I honestly don't give a juck, I don’t care.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: Nermut, are you wearing—are those wedges?
PLECK: Yeah, why are you wearing heels?
DAR: I asked him to wear them while he hung up my poster.
NERMUT: Yeah. Right.
C-53: Oh boy. Alright. I—I regret asking immediately.
BARGIE: Oh, wow. We're learning a lot right now.
PLECK: Wow. Wow. I mean, they look—your little bird legs, I don't normally see any muscles in those, but I can sorta see a little bit of calf.
NERMUT: Yeah. It’s more defined. Right.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah.
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: Okay, so you and Dar are into something similar.
DAR: Yeah. You noticed it, and that’s exactly what I noticed.
PLECK: Okay. Alright, yeah, sure, I guess.
C-53: No need to be ashamed of it, Former Ambassador Decksetter.
PLECK: [crosstalk] No, I’m not. I’m not.
C-53: Well, if we're… going to go to a—Bargie, I don't know if you want me around, I should—
PLECK: Yeah, C-53, are you gonna hang out—
C-53: I don’t—I guess you could put me back in the—
PLECK: Yeah, are you gonna be in Bargie, or are you gonna—
C-53: [sighs] I'm really not interested in going back into the humidifier… or the—
PLECK: Well, there's a ton of other appliances on the ship, you could—
C-53: I—I’m not—I don’t wanna be an appliance.
DAR: I might have… something for you.
C-53: Oh yeah?
DAR: Yeah, are we talkin’ like, treads, legs, wheels?
C-53: What do you got?
DAR: Well, I… I just—I wanna—I need to narrow it down first.
C-53: How many frames do you have?
PLECK: Wait, you’re gonna loan—wait, hold on—
NERMUT: C-53, you’re saying “frames,” I don't know if it's exactly what you think of as a… yeah.
C-53: I mean, let's take a look, I’m already in your… is this your third closet?
DAR: Yeah. That's where I keep all my sex toys.
C-53: Okay, yeah, so that's a lot of—
PLECK: Dar, you have a sex toy with a cube slot?
DAR: They all come with a cube slot.
PLECK: Wow. I guess I just sort of thought of them as just kind of… you know.
C-53: You’re gonna trust a—a gear to give you satisfaction?
PLECK: I mean I—I guess… I guess not, I don't know.
C-53: That's no way to get the job done.
PLECK: [laughing] Yeah, I guess you're right. Alright. I guess just pick your favorite one, C-53.
C-53: Oh. Dar, you've got a lot of… interesting frames in here.
DAR: Yeah, I do. [laughs]
C-53: Is this a life-size recreation of LaCraine LaCrosse?
PLECK: Wooow.
DAR: Yeah. Um…
C-53: Oh, but that's not accurate.
DAR: No.
C-53: Much larger.
PLECK: C-53… please don't tell me you're about to choose a LaCraine LaCrosse sex bot for us to go out to—
DAR: I mean, I barely use it, the feet are too big.
C-53: [sighs] There's a part of me that really wants to, it's just—it looks so debonaire.
BARGIE: Do it.
PLECK: I mean, I think you gotta do it.
C-53: Alright.
BARGIE: You gotta do it.
C-53: Uh, if someone could transport my cube from Bargie’s cube slot over to the LaCraine sex bot, I would love to—
PLECK: Okay, it's obviously not going to be me, because that would require me to go into Dar's room—
NERMUT: I've never done it! I've never moved your cube. Can I—
PLECK: Nermut, go for it.
C-53: By all means.
DAR: Yeah, strut on over there in those heels.
NERMUT: Oh. Alright. Oh—[speaking the click sounds] click click click click click—alright, I’m gonna—I’m just gonna cl—I’m gonna climb up the—
C-53: Nermut, should I be worried about you dropping my [sound of cube ejecting, C-53 trails off] cuooooo…
PLECK: Oh.
NERMUT: Oh. Is it out?
PLECK/DAR: Yes.
NERMUT: Oh. Whoa, this is big. Alright. [Nermut starts straining] Gyeaaaahhhhheheahhh… ngeeeh… yedangah… ehh… uhh… gah—gah—
PLECK: [laughing] Why are you—why are you making that noise?
NERMUT: Wahhh—it’s—it's generalized strain!
DAR: You've heard him make that noise before.
NERMUT: Yeah—
PLECK: I guess—yes. I know.
NERMUT: [still straining] Eheuagh… okay! Aaaaand into the LaCraine LaCrosse… bot!
[sound of cube inserting, beeping]
NERMUT: [mildly surprised] Oh! I did it.
C-53: [in a more theatrical, old-Holowood voice] Hello? Is this normal? Hello…
PLECK: Oh.
DAR: Oooh!
C-53: How am I sounding?
PLECK: He really does look like LaCraine LaCrosse!
DAR: [impressed] Yeah!
BARGIE: [nostalgically] Oh, he sounds like him too. Tell me a sweet nothing.
C-53: [laughs] Bargie, you old ship.
BARGIE: That’s right, he was a bastard.
C-53: Wow, I’ve never had hair before. Hm. This is… you just sorta toss it about.
PLECK: Wow. C-53, you have a real sashay when you walk around the ship now!
C-53: I don't know that that's me doing that, it’s… might be the frame.
PLECK: Yeah, it’s just… built into the frame.
BARGIE: Let me also remind you that LaCraine LaCrosse had a crippling alcohol problem.
PLECK: Yeah, sure. Turned into a real—
C-53: Well, sure, but the sex bot doesn't also have the alcohol problem.
BARGIE: It might.
C-53: Wow, I am very thirsty.
PLECK: Yikes. Is it—uh, should I—should we not bring an alcoholic droid to a bar?
C-53: What could be the worst thing that could happen?
PLECK: I mean I—I guess that's true. Alright! Let's hit—let’s hit the roles—hit the old… stars.
DAR: You wanna—you wanna take that again, Pleck?
BARGIE: Yeah, do another one.
PLECK: Let's blast into sp—
BARGIE: Nope.
PLECK: …space.
C-53: That was actually bad.
NERMUT: One more.
C-53: One more time.
DAR: One more.
PLECK: Let’s soar… let's… let’s go from one part of the quadrant to another one.
C-53: Why don’t I—should I do it?
[Nermut, Bargie, Dar all agree enthusiastically]
C-53: [with all the LaCrosse gravitas he can muster] Let’s… set sail.
[Pleck, Dar, Nermut cheer]
BARGIE: Wow. Wooow.
[transition music]
PLECK: Alright Bargie, we’ll, uh—I guess we’ll see ya in a couple hours?
BARGIE: Alright, I'm gonna go find my Little Ship.
PLECK: Oh, that's really adorable—
BARGIE: And ruin its life!
PLECK: No, Bargie—
DAR/NERMUT: Okay./Agh!
PLECK: Listen, y’know, you’re a really inspiring person, y’know? Like, I feel like you've lived such a great life. I think you have a lot to teach this little ship.
[sound of Bargie taking off and flying away]
PLECK: Oh, wow, okay, she’s gone.
DAR: Yeah.
DRUNK CLINT: [slurring] Hey. Get down on th’ ground.
PLECK: [laughing] Wha…
NERMUT: What?
DRUNK CLINT: You guys…
PLECK: Whoa, that is the most casual CLINT I've ever seen.
DRUNK CLINT: You guys needa get down on th’ ground.
NERMUT: Whoa…
C-53: Pleck, I’m not sure if you realize, but this CLINT is…
[CLINT slowly racks rifle]
DAR: Oh, but he still has a gun! He still has a gun! He still has—
[sound of Pleck and Nermut panicking]
DRUNK CLINT: [still slurring] Yeah, I didn't stutter. You guys needa get down on the ground.
PLECK: Yeah, okay! Alright.
DAR: We’re down on the ground.
C-53: [still using the LaCraine LaCrosse voice] Hey, friend. Let’s… calm down, alright? Why don’t we push this blaster aside, and… can I buy you a drink?
DRUNK CLINT: [hesitantly] …LaCraine LaCrosse?
C-53: [laughs charismatically] Haha, not quite, but…
DRUNK CLINT: I mean, I’m jucked up, but… you’re dead.
C-53: Haha, I… am. It’s true.
DRUNK CLINT: I will buy you a drink, dead LaCraine LaCrosse.
C-53: That's… not what I said, but yes, let’s do that.
DAR: Take it.
C-53: I'll take that drink, friend.
DRUNK CLINT: Souuunds good.
PLECK: Uh… okay, great.
NERMUT: Can—can we get up?
DRUNK CLINT: Yeah, get off th’ ground.
DAR: Okay.
DRUNK CLINT: Get back down on th’ ground!
NERMUT/PLECK: Ahh, what!?/Okay, alright—
C-53: [laughing] This—oh, you’re fun. This guy’s fun.
DRUNK CLINT: It's a fun thing I do, yeah.
C-53: I’m gonna give you a—I’m gonna chuck your chin, like this.
[the drunk CLINT laughs joyfully, then throws up on Nermut]
C-53: Oh, alright.
[Nermut yells in discomfort and distress]
DAR: Oh, Nermut…
C-53: Nermut… I am so sorry.
NERMUT: Ugh… it’s okay, I just—we’ll get me a—a nap… kin.
PLECK: Sure. Either one.
C-53/DAR: Yeah./Yeah. Whatever.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Uh… alright, I guess I'll, uh, get us some drinks. What are you guys—what are you guys drinkin’?
DAR: Uh, orange beer.
PLECK: Okay, great, sure. One orange beer. Nermut, what’re you drinkin’?
NERMUT: Uhhh, let’s see, I—just get a… like a thimble of the lightest pilsner.
PLECK: Okay, that’s adorable. Great.
NERMUT: And also a very wet towel.
PLECK: You got it.
NERMUT: Thanks.
PLECK: Alright. Um…
BARTENDER: Heyyyyy.
PLECK: Oh. Oh, hey.
BARTENDER: Heyyy.
PLECK: Hey.
BARTENDER: Hey.
PLECK: How's it goin’?
BARTENDER: Oh, pretty good, except for you were banned.
PLECK: Wha—I’m not banned—what?
DAR: Ohhh… we know this bartender.
PLECK: I'm not banned for—I've never even been to this bar!
BARTENDER: Uh, the banning follows the bartender, not the location. Y’know what I mean? Yeah.
PLECK: Is that—is that true?
BARTENDER: Yes, yes.
C-53: That is, actually—I’m sorry to say, Pleck, that is true.
BARTENDER: Yeah. Do you want me to show you in the handbook, Pinky?
PLECK: Okay—yeah—I—if I remember correctly, I was actually unbanned.
BARTENDER: You were allowed back in once.
PLECK: Okay.
BARTENDER: Yeah. So, uh, I'll let you buy drinks for your friends.
PLECK: …And myself?
DAR: Pleck, don't screw this up for us.
PLECK: Okay, yeah, sorry. I—you're right.
C-53: It sounds like everyone's getting everything they want.
PLECK: Yeah. I guess so. I got unbanned, and you guys get drinks. Okay, great. So—
C-53: Wait a minute, speaking of people we know…
PETER3: [deadpan] Hey.
DAR: [gasps] It's him.
PETER3: Hey. What's up, guys.
PLECK: Whoa. Peter3!
PETER3: Whoa, when’d you guys get here?
DAR: Just now.
C-53: We literally just arrived.
PLECK: We just got here.
PETER3: Why didn't you say hi to me?
C-53: Well, we—
PLECK: We ju—I didn't see—we didn't see you!
C-53: Didn't think we'd know anyone at this bar.
PETER3: Oh. Hey. No.
BARTENDER: Peter3, they’ve been here for like, a little while.
PETER3: And they didn’t say hi?
PLECK: Well, that’s—we just got here!
BARTENDER: We just had a whole conversation, and you didn't say hi to Peter3 once.
PETER3: That's okay. I'm sorry you guys have to see me like this.
PLECK: Well, hey, Peter 3, it's really great to see you. How—how has it been?
PETER3: [still 100% calm, deadpan] Yeah. I'm a little embarrassed. I'm super drunk right now.
PLECK: What? Really?
PETER3: Mm-hmm.
PLECK: You look fine.
DAR: Yeah.
PETER3: No, I'm near blackout level.
C-53: Peter3, we'll be honest: I don't think we would have known that if you hadn’t said anything.
PETER3: Really? That’s—
PLECK: Yeah, you—you're a pretty even-keeled… guy.
PETER3: Test me.
C-53: Um—
PLECK: Test—test you to see if you're drunk?
PETER3: Ask me to say the alphabet backwards.
DAR: Uh, how about, what were the returns on your taxes this year?
PETER3: …What?
DAR: He’s very drunk, he loves paperwork.
C-53: Yeah, no, he must be drunk. Yeah, he would’ve absolutely known the answer.
PLECK: Yeah, no, that’s—yeah, he loves paperwork. That should be right there.
DAR: Yeah.
PETER3: Wait, which ones, business or personal?
DAR/PLECK: Oh…/Oh, sure, there you go.
C-53: Oh, okay. So maybe he’s not that drunk.
PETER3: Well, I feel hammered.
PLECK: [laughing] Great. Well, that's—yeah, I mean, subjective, I guess.
PETER3: I'm just really nervous.
C-53: Are you—wait, w-w-w-w-wait. [pause] Peter3, are you… are you on a job right now?
PLECK: Yeah, are you on a job right now?
C-53: Should we be concerned at all? Are we getting in your way, or…?
PETER3: No. No, I'm actually just waiting for my son.
C-53: Oh.
PLECK: You're waiting for your son?
PETER3: Yeah. My wife is about to drop off my son, it’s my weekend with him.
DAR: What's his name?
PETER3: Peter3.
[short pause]
C-53: Does that…
PETER3: Huh?
PLECK: I’m sorry, let me just—
C-53: Does that ever get confusing, or…?
PLECK: Let me just make—let me just make sure I’m remembering correctly. Your grandfather was Peter2.
PETER3: Yeah.
PLECK: Your father was Peter1.
PETER3/DAR: Yeah, correct./Yes. Correct.
PLECK: You're Peter3.
PETER3: Yeah. Well—
PLECK: Your son is Peter3.
DAR: Do you anticipate dying soon?
PETER3: No, but the way our culture works, the youngest is Peter3. So now my son is Peter3.
PLECK: So you—what's your name?
PETER3: I’m Peter1.
[short pause]
C-53: Ohhhhh.
DAR: Whoaaa. Who's Peter2 right now?
PETER1 (NÉE PETER3): He's still dead.
C-53: Oh, right, yeah, that’s—we should—
PETER1: If my son—if my son has a son, that kid will be Peter3, and then I'll be Peter2.
DAR: How does it work with—
PETER1: And my son will be Peter 1.
C-53: Might just be best to roll with it. Might just be best to roll with it.
PLECK: What are there—sorry. What if there's—what if there's a great grandson?
PETER1: Hasn't come up yet.
PLECK: Okay. Wow, okay.
C-53: Fair.
DAR: How does work on the matriarchal side?
PETER1: Uh, they're all named Rebecca.
DAR: Are there numbers, or they're just all named Rebecca?
PETER1: Rebecca1, Rebecca2, Rebecca3…
DAR: Okay, okay.
PETER1: But not—
C-53: In that—in that order?
PETER1: Not the order you think.
C-53: Okay, alright.
PLECK: So—wait, are they arranged marriages, or…
PETER1: Yeah, but me and my wife—
PLECK: Do you just tend to be attracted to women named Rebecca?
PETER1: No, it's an arranged marriage. It's like, um… Romeo and Juliet, kind of, but I guess the opposite.
PLECK: That's the opposite.
PETER1: Yeah. We're sort of like the Montagues and they're like the Capulets, but we always marry each other.
C-53: Have you seen that—
DAR: I do love that soap holo very much.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: That’s a great soap holo.
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: Mr.—Mr. Peter1, I just wanna say that—and I’m—uh—
PETER1: Who are you?
NERMUT: [speaking very quickly] Oh, I'm—I'm Former Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, and I apologize that I'm covered in CLINT vomit, but! I've never met a bounty hunter before, and I just want to say I'm very honored.
[silence]
PETER1: Nice to meet you.
DAR: Oh, he—he just doffed a cap that doesn't exist.
NERMUT: Yep.
PETER1: It feels a little bit like you're mocking me ‘cause you know I always request a new hat every day.
PLECK: Oh, that's—
NERMUT: No no no, I didn't remember that detail!
PLECK: That's true…
[laughter]
PLECK: Well, hey, Peter1, uh… I just want to say, congratulations on being a Peter1!
PETER1: Thanks. Yeah.
PLECK: That must—that must feel pretty good.
DAR: And condolences on being a Peter1.
PLECK: Sure.
PETER1: Uh… thank you, I guess. It’s okay.
C-53: When—when was your son supposed to be here?
PETER1: He was supposed to be here, like, 45 minutes ago, but we don't really get along, so he's prob’ly… playin’ hooky or something.
PLECK: What happ—so you and Rebecca are—you and Rebecca1…?
[sound of incoming transmission]
PETER1: Yeah.
PLECK: Oh—
C-53: Is that your—
PETER1: Oh yeah, hold on. I'm getting phone call. It’s probably my son.
PLECK: Okay, sure.
SKILLION: [over the phone, deviously] AHAHAAAA! Peter1! My old nemesis!
PETER1: I hate this guy.
SKILLION: It is I! Skillion Skank! Your old nemesis. AHAHAHAAA!
THERESA: It's his mother, Teresa.
SKILLION: Mom!
[pause]
SKILLION: How many times—when I’m—when I'm doing a ransom holo—
[another pause]
SKILLION: [back to the phone] I have your son, Peter1. Hahahahaaa! And I'm holding him for the price of… 75,000 kroon!
THERESA: Honey, how long is this call?
SKILLION: Mom! I know we're on the same plan, but just let me do this.
THERESA: It’s very cute. Do your thing.
SKILLION: [frustrated] It's not—I'm an intergalactic criminal!
THERESA: [patiently] Okay. Very good. Cute.
SKILLION: Mom! …Uhhh… as I was saying: I have your son, Peter1! And I will kill him unless you bring me the 75,000 kroon!
PETER1: [deadpan] How about this instead: I come and I kill you.
PLECK: Whoaaa.
PETER1: What's your—what's your e-mail address?
C-53: [whispering] Sick, he’s so…
SKILLION: What?
PETER1: What is your e-mail address?
SKILLION: Why would I give you that?
PETER1: I need to send you some paperwork.
SKILLION: Okay, well, it’s—
THERESA: It’s littleboy45—
SKILLION: No, mom!
PETER1: Sorry, what was that?
THERESA: Littleboy45@yuhoo.com.
PETER1: Littleboy—littleboy45@yuhoo.com?
SKILLION: No! Mom!
PETER1: Hold on one second.
[pinging noise, Peter1 also makes a beep-boop sound with his mouth]
SKILLION: Oh no!
PETER1: Okay, check your e-mail.
SKILLION: No, he's checking my e-mail!
PETER1: No, you need to check your e-mail.
SKILLION: Oh—oh wait, hold on.
[pinging noise]
PETER1: Okay, open that file.
SKILLION: Okay.
[another pinging noise]
PETER1: I need you to select mode of death and also recommend any public transportation I could use to get to you.
SKILLION: Oh. Uh, alright.
PETER1: I need you to sign it, but you—it has to be a wet signature, so you need to print it out… and then sign it and then scan it and send it back to me.
SKILLION: Right now?
C-53: Really? You can’t use a digital signature?
PETER1: I can’t accept the digital, no.
DAR: Why not?
PETER1: Legally, no.
C-53: It’s very strict.
THERESA: Honey, invite ‘em for dinner.
SKILLION: Mom! I'm not going to invite the hostage’s dad for dinner!
THERESA: He seems very nice.
SKILLION: [menacingly] Peter1… meet me on the moon Vatu 3.
THERESA: That's our backyard.
SKILLION: MOM!
PETER1: Okay. I'll be there. Have my son.
SKILLION: I'll also fill out this paperwork.\, because it's—
PETER1: Thank you.
SKILLION: …very professional. [pause] Aghhh! You haven't heard the last of SKILLION SKANK!
THERESA: And his mother Theresa.
SKILLION: Mom—I'm turning it off now.
PLECK: Wow, that was… that was jucked up, Peter1!
DAR: They have your son!
PETER1: [nonchalantly] Yeah.
C-53: Peter1, how often does this happen to you?
PETER1: Uh… this is the first time.
C-53: Wow.
PETER1: Yeah.
PLECK: Oh, okay!
DAR: Wow.
PETER1: But you know, I'm a little worried that if I even go rescue my son, he won't even be happy to see me. Y’know?
PLECK: Oh… no, what?
C-53: No, I'm sure he’d be…
PETER1: It's like, we don't—you know, he never talks to me, I don't know anything about his life. He's just so different from me.
PLECK: Really.
C-53: No. C’mon, you’ve gotta know—tell me something about your son.
PETER1: He's six foot five.
C-53: Okay, that’s—
PLECK: Sure.
C-53: Y’know, I was hoping for a more personal detail.
PLECK: Now, I mean, I know this is sorta off subject because this is sort of an emergency situation, but he's six five... I feel like we just talked to you, like, three months ago—
PETER1: Yeah.
PLECK: —and you did not have a son.
PETER1: Yeah.
PLECK: How does that… work?
PETER1: We, uh… reach full maturity within three months.
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: Oh.
C-53: So you—you had the son almost immediately after we met you.
PETER1: Yeah. It was actually that same night.
C-53/PLECK: Wow./Wow!
NERMUT: Wait, you were going to the governor of Milsch's wife's dinner for soup with the Hand of the Governor that night.
PETER1: Mm-hmm. Rebecca met me there.
PLECK: Wow.
NERMUT: Wow.
DAR: Nermut, you have to go clean up.
NERMUT: I—I requested a towel minutes ago!
DAR: We were denied service here.
NERMUT: Agh!
DAR: You should probably talk to the bartender.
NERMUT: Oh…
PLECK: Yeah, you—you should ask the bartender.
DAR: You should talk to him directly.
PLECK: You have to ask him.
NERMUT: Excuse me. Excuse me, excuse me, I—
BARTENDER: I don't see anybody.
NERMUT: No, I'm down here and I just—I need a towel!
BARTENDER: A lot of us have needs.
NERMUT: Well—I—well, okay, yeah, that’s true, but you don’t need—you could meet those needs. We could—we could—
BARTENDER: When someone’s individual needs are not met, they don't feel compelled to meet the needs of others. Especially if they can't even see them.
C-53: That’s a fair point.
PLECK: That's a—fair enough.
C-53: Okay.
PLECK: Peter1—
PETER1: Yeah.
PLECK: Peter1, I'm really concerned about your son, should we help you?
PETER1: Yeah. If you guys could come help me, I might need you as a distraction or something.
DAR: Okay, let's all find the best public transportation there.
PLECK: Yeah, did he get back to you about that?
PETER1: No, but I actually already know the best public transportation, though.
PLECK/NERMUT: Oh, really?/Oh, wow.
PETER1: Yeah.
PLECK: What is it?
NERMUT: Yeah, what is it?
C-53: Well, that’s classic Peter3.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53/DAR/PLECK: Er, Peter1./Peter1./Peter1.
PETER1: Peter1. It’s a bus.
NERMUT: Oh.
PLECK: Peter1, I am concerned about your son. This is—this feels like—you're very laid back about this.
PETER1: I’m a little ambivalent about it, we have—like I said, we have a tough relationship, so.
C-53: I mean, but still, it seems—
PLECK: Aren’t you worried that he's—he's in danger?
PETER1: Yeah.
DAR: Well, he's a full grown adult now.
PLECK: I guess that's true… Is your son a bounty hunter?
PETER1: No, that's kinda one of our beefs.
C-53/DAR/PLECK: Oooh./Oh./Oh.
PETER1: He doesn't want to be a bounty hunter. He doesn't want to go into the family business.
C-53: What does he—
DAR: Yeah, what does he want to do?
PETER1: He wants to be… an ambassador, or something stupid like that.
[C-53 inhales, Dar and Pleck “oh,” all in a kind of “yikes” tone]
C-53: Yeah, that could be…
DAR: [optimistically] Well, I mean, he could meet Pleck, and—I mean, that could change his mind.
PLECK: [cheerfully] That’s true, that’s true!
PETER1: Oh yeah, maybe.
C-53: I can see the, uh… the bus is pulling up outside, should we—
NERMUT: Oh, yeah.
PETER1: Yeah.
BARTENDER: Hey, that's 22 kroons!
PLECK: [sputtering] What—why—why—
BARTENDER: Oh, like you only get charged if you order?
PLECK: Yeah!
BARTENDER: No!
DAR: Pleck, pay the man!
BARTENDER: Pay!
PLECK: Alright—
BARTENDER: You sat in here.
PLECK: Okay, here you go.
BARTENDER: Thanks.
NERMUT: Agh! Oh, oh. He threw a towel on me.
PLECK: [celebratory] Heyyy!
NERMUT: Yeah! Thank you for the new, uh, towel coat.
BARTENDER: [mumbling] Yeah, whatever, you little—what?
C-53: What's that? I didn't hear enough of that to determine whether that was racist or not—
PLECK/DAR: Yeah, I don't know—/Yeah.
NERMUT: He called me a “little what”—
DAR: We just missed the bus.
[Pleck, Nermut, C-53 all yell in disappointment]
ALDEN: We'll be back in 10 minutes! That’s Act 1, see you in a minute.
[audience applause]
[transition music]
SKILLION: WAHAHAHAHAAA! Yes! Yeeesss! Haha! Peter3! I have you in my lair!
THERESA: We also have some appetizers.
SKILLION: Mom—
THERESA: What? I just put out some snacks, if you feel like havin’ snacks.
SKILLION: It's a—it's a hostage situation, it’s not—we're not hosting him!
THERESA: I'm just happy you have a hobby, okay?
[Skillion Skank sighs ungratefully]
THERESA: Anyway, I'll be here if you need me. [laughs]
SKILLION: Mom, I don't need you.
THERESA: [indulgently] Okay.
SKILLION: As I was saying… yaghhh, welcome to my lair!
PETER3 (THE SON, NOT THE BOUNTY HUNTER): Wait—my dad probably won't even come get me. He doesn't even care about me, so… good luck getting any money out of this.
SKILLION: I see much of your father in you.
PETER3: [whose voice is 100% identical to Peter1 in pitch, tone, and flat cadence] I'm nothing like my dad.
SKILLION: You don’t—really?
PETER3: Mm-hmm.
SKILLION: You don't even—
PETER3: What's similar about us?
SKILLION: Ehhh… I mean…
PETER3: Name one thing.
SKILLION: Well, I’ll start with the voice, it's pretty much… bang on.
PETER3: [both impressions identical] What are you talking about? I don't sound—my dad sounds like this: “Go to your room. Stop being a baby. You're gonna be a bounty hunter.” I sound like this: “I don’t wanna go to my room. I’m not a baby. I don’t wanna be a bounty hunter.”
SKILLION: Is this like a species thing, or…? I—
PETER3: What are you even talking about.
SKILLION: You look exactly the same, I—
PETER3: You look the same.
SKILLION: I just saw him via holo, and you’re dressed the same way…
PETER3: You look—you look closer to my dad than I look.
SKILLION: I don’t, I’m—
PETER3: You sound closer to him than I sound.
SKILLION: I’m half… serpent, I’m not—
PETER3: Look, I relate to you more than him. You're—I wish you were my dad.
SKILLION: No, don't make—come on, don’t make this weird!
PETER3: Just adopt me. I wanna work here. Just adopt me. Can you be my dad, please.
SKILLION: No!
PETER3: Please. Please.
SKILLION: No, I'm not your—you’re my hostage, I’m not your dad!
PETER3: This is so cool. I wanna take hostages, I don't wanna be a bounty hunter, this is awesome.
THERESA: Alright, let's get together, take a picture, take a picture!
SKILLION: MOM!
THERESA: Take a pictureee!
PETER3: Yes. Please. Put your arm around me.
THERESA: Alright, one, two, three.
SKILLION: Wait wait—
THERESA: Father!
SKILLION: What? I wasn't ready!
THERESA: I know.
PETER3: Can I call you mom?
THERESA: Of course. Aww! Honey!
SKILLION: NO! If I'm your dad, she—I’m not—my mom is not my wife in this scenario!
PETER3: No. This is what I want. I want you to be my dad, and you to be my mom. That's the only thing that’ll make me happy.
SKILLION: No! No!
PETER3: Yes.
SKILLION: You'll do what I say.
PETER3: No. You're married now.
SKILLION: You’re in my dungeon, you’ll do what I say!
PETER3: Can you tell me, like, a bedtime story? I'm sleepy.
SKILLION: [sighs] I'll tell you a story. It starts with a blaster… and ends with a blaster!
[sound of blaster charging up]
THERESA: [sweetly] I got him that blaster for X-Marse.
SKILLION: MOM!!!
[transition music]
PLECK: So, Peter1… like, what are you gonna do when you get to this… lair of this guy, like… are you gonna, like, shoot him, or you gonna like—
C-53: [LaCraine LaCrosse voice] Also, does anyone have a drink? Does anyone… feel like—
PLECK: Yeah, they don't really serve drinks on the bus…
C-53: Yeah, it’s a little—
PETER1: Okay, look, here's the plan—
PLECK: Sexy LaCraine LaCrosse…
NERMUT: Yeah, what's the plan?
PETER3: When we get to the door, there's probably gonna be guards, right? But me and Dar, we're gonna be in the back. Uh, C-53, you like, walk up and uh, like, be sexy for them?
PLECK: Sure.
PETER3: Little bit? Y’know what I mean?
C-53: Consider it done.
PETER3: And then Pleck, um…
PLECK: Yeah.
PETER3: Maybe if you start crying or something, they'll kinda…
PLECK: What would that—
PETER3: Hm?
PLECK: What would that accomplish?
C-53: You want me to be sexy while he’s crying.
PETER3: Yeah. I’m just tr—y’know, trying to play to everyone’s strengths.
DAR: Yeah, let's continue to write this narrative here, okay?
PLECK: Yeah, okay, alright. Sure.
C-53: Yeah, I’ve hurt him in some way, and that’s why he’s crying.
PETER3: Yeah. Mm-hmm.
PLECK: Am I crying because he's sexy—
C-53: Probably.
PLECK: —or is it separate? Unrelated?
PETER3: I think he's so sexy that you're crying.
PLECK: Oh, okay, yeah, I can do that, yeah.
C-53: Okay, now—I’m back on board, I’m alright with that.
PLECK: Alright, great.
PETER3: And Nermut—
NERMUT: Yeah.
PETER3: What do you wanna do?
NERMUT: Oh wow. Jeez. Oh… must’ve read my journal where I said “I hope a bounty hunter asks me that.”
C-53: Did you—did you write that in your journal?
NERMUT: Yeah.
C-53: “I hope a bounty hunter asks me what I wanna do?”
NERMUT: I did.
C-53: …Why are you writing that?
NERMUT: Huh?
DAR: Was that in your dream journal or your wish journal?
NERMUT: It was a wish journal when I was a kid! That’s a normal thing to wish! Um… I guess I would be—I’ll be the muscle.
PETER3: Hmm…
C-53: Hmm, yeah, well—
PLECK: That seems… like the least likely—
DAR: No no, we can—we can let him be the muscle.
NERMUT: Yeah!
PETER3: Yeah. I guess. I asked, so.
NERMUT: They won't see it comin’!
PETER3: You're right.
C-53: That's true.
NERMUT: Okay.
BUS DRIVER: Next stop on this bus is the dungeon.
PLECK: Oh. It's nice that there's already like, a…
C-53: A stop for the dungeon.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah.
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: Wow.
C-53: It’s convenient.
PETER3: Yeah. Public transportation’s actually really good on this moon.
C-53/PLECK: Yeah./Yeah, it's great.
PETER3: Some of the best in the galaxy.
C-53: Just… hop off here.
[bus doors open]
PLECK: Thank you.
NERMUT: Thank you.
BUS DRIVER: Yahhh.
C-53: …What was that?
NERMUT: “Yahhh.”
PLECK: Yeah.
DAR: Yeah, yeah.
C-53: Sounded like a “yarhh…”
PETER1/NERMUT: Yeah./Yeah.
PLECK: Alright, uh…
C-53: Alright, if you want to start crying anytime…
PLECK: Well, LaCraine LaCrosse, you would probably know… I mean, I know, C-53… I'm just wondering maybe—
C-53: Do you think I’m actually LaCraine LaCrosse?
PLECK: No, no, I just—I just thought maybe you might have some, like—
C-53: Do I have to remove the faceplate again?
PLECK: No—agh, no, please don't do that, it’s so gross!
[aggressive servo noises]
C-53: Is it too weird?
PLECK: Yes, too gross.
C-53: There’s a lot of gears and servos in there.
PLECK: No, please don’t do that.
C-53: Yeah, alright. [servo noises stop]
PLECK: I’m just wondering if maybe you had any acting advice on, like, how I can—like, can I get into the zone, you know?
C-53: Oh! Well, I actually do have a lot of very specific emotes in this frame, so, uh...
PLECK: Oh, okay!
C-53: Here, you want sad?
PLECK: Yeah, sure.
C-53: [sadly] Sad looks like this.
PLECK: Oh, Yep, that's very sad.
C-53: [maniacally] And here’s manic!
PLECK: Oh, wow!
C-53: [on the edge of losing it] This is manic LaCraine LaCrosse!
NERMUT: Wow. Jeez. Wow, yeah.
C-53: Ahhh, I’m outta control!
NERMUT: Okay.
DAR: Ooh. That’s what won him an award.
NERMUT: Wow!
PLECK: Dar, can I just ask, like, how often do you go to your third closet, like… “It's LaCraine time, baby.”
NERMUT: Once every… ope.
PLECK: You were gonna—
NERMUT: Huh?
PLECK: You were gonna answer that, Nermut?
NERMUT: I—I—I…
DAR: You can answer that.
NERMUT: Uh, it's, uh, sort of a Thursday thing.
PLECK: Wow, once a week.
NERMUT: Yeah, weekly.
PLECK: Once a week.
NERMUT: Yep.
PLECK: Great.
DAR: Yeah.
[sound of Skillion Skank appearing]
SKILLION: Hello!
[Pleck, Nermut, Dar all make surprised sounds]
SKILLION: Yes, it is I… Skillion Skank!
PLECK: Yeah, sure. Hello.
SKILLION: [evilly] Archnemesis to Peter1.
PETER3: And it's Peter3 Skank.
C-53: Sorry, did you say Peter3 Skank?
PETER3: Peter3 Skank, that's me.
C-53: Thought your name was Peter3 Fab.
PETER3: That's my deadname.
C-53: Oh.
THERESA: [helpfully] We’re the Skanks!
NERMUT: Okay…
C-53: So you’re a family now…?
PETER3: Yep.
SKILLION: Sort of. I don't know. This is really…
DAR: Wait, and he's your dad and she's your mom…?
SKILLION: [shouting over Dar] Shut up! I don’t—
SKILLION: Don't read into it too much!
C-53: So you two are married?
SKILLION: We're not married!
NERMUT: Oh, gosh.
PETER3: They’re married.
C-53: Well, it seems like you’d have to be, to…
SKILLION: Families come in many different forms!
C-53: Well, that is true.
NERMUT: When we saw that sign that said “Skank Family,” we figured it was graffiti.
SKILLION: No. No. [menacingly] You're in my lair now.
PETER3: Yeah.
C-53: Oh. Oh, oh. We’re in the—
PLECK: Oh, uh, sure. Should I—should I start crying, or did we kinda bypass—
C-53: [sexily] Whoa, Skillion! You’ve been a very bad boy.
[Pleck does a little gentle sobbing]
SKILLION: [confused and offput] What the juck are you doing?
PLECK: [crying] He’s too sexy for me!
C-53: Why are you… [whispering sexily] you’re such a crazy maniac…
PLECK: [tearfully] Oh… I’ll never be this sexy!
SKILLION: Wait, why are you crying?
DAR: Now get in here, Nermut!
C-53: [still whispering sexily] Shhhhhhhhh, don’t ask.
NERMUT: [shaky Nermut noises] Oh, oh—uhhhhh, hyeeerhhh, behhhh… ahhhh…ah—
PLECK: Whoa.
NERMUT: [aside] Guys, this plan feels really bad.
PLECK: Nermut is vibrating.
NERMUT: What—yeah! Eh—
PLECK: I mean, seems like—
SKILLION: Alright, I'm gonna start firing.
[volley of blaster shots]
CREW: [all at once] No! No no no!
PETER1: Dar, now!
[Pleck, Nermut, C-53, Peter1 make various dodging sounds]
[more blaster shots, more dodging]
C-53: This frame—is—not great at dodging—took a lot of shots.
PLECK: Oh, no! LaCraine!
DAR: Ooh!
C-53: [strained] I’m alright!
NERMUT: Are you?
PLECK: Wait, C-53, are you—
C-53: I’m in the—I'm in the death… emote. Lemme—lemme just do—
PLECK: Oh, sure. Okay, great.
NERMUT: Okay, yeah.
C-53: [dramatically] Listen to me!
PLECK: Ahh!
C-53: Emissary—
PLECK: Oh—
C-53: Do you think I’m gonna die for no reason?
PLECK: Wha—
C-53: Are you—juckin’ outta your mind? [C-53 breathes in wheezily]
PLECK: Oh wow. Yeah.
C-53: Save this boy.
PLECK: Okay, yeah!
C-53: [with great effort] Save him!
PLECK: Yes, I will, I promise!
C-53: [as if drawing a dying breath] Rodd… bless you.
[C-53 does an award-winning series of agonized groans]
[Nermut gasps sympathetically]
[C-53 gasps out a final(?), painful breath]
PETER1: Wow.
[brief pause]
C-53: AAAGH!
PLECK/NERMUT/DAR: Oh!/Whoa!/Okay!
NERMUT: Skillion Skank, will you please lift me up to your face?
SKILLION: What?
NERMUT: [with conviction] Yes.
THERESA: I'll do it!
SKILLION: [crosstalk] Mom, no—agh!
THERESA: This is such a cute thing! I’m having such a—
NERMUT: Thank you. Thank you, your wife—your lovely wife has lifted me up to your face—
SKILLION: It’s my mom!
NERMUT: Okay! Alright.
THERESA: Try to go with it, okay?
NERMUT: [with all the authority he can muster] I want you to know that I'm officially the muscle of this team, okay? And I've been lifted up to punch you right in your skanky face.
PETER3: Wait a second.
NERMUT: Huh?
PETER3: Dad. Just let me talk to my dad.
NERMUT: Okay.
SKILLION: Uh…
DAR: Which one?
PETER3: Er—uh—my current dad? You, dad.
SKILLION: Wait, is that me?
PETER3: My—yes, you're my dad.
SKILLION: Alright.
NERMUT: Okay, alright.
PETER3: Can I talk to my old dad?
[Peter1 and Peter3 continue to sound identically bored and deadpan]
PETER3: Look, Peter1. We don't need to do this, okay? I’m happy here.
PETER1: What do you mean you're happy here?
PETER3: I mean, this is where it belong, okay? I'm nothing like you, dad. You're a bounty hunter, and I think I'm… a hostage taker.
PETER1: I don't think you're hostage taker. I think you're a bounty hunter. When I was young, I didn't want to be a bounty hunter. And then Peter1, who at the time was my dad—to you—to you, he would be Peter2—pulled me aside, and he was like, “This is—this is in our blood. This is our family tradition.”
PETER3: I don't care if it's in our blood, dad. Look, I wanna live here, with my mom and my dad who are married, okay?
SKILLION: [in the background] We’re not…
PETER3: Because you and—you and Rebecca split up, and I need a mom and dad who are married, and who are in a loving married relationship.
SKILLION: We're not! I mean—
PETER3: That's what I need right now.
PETER1: Well, okay, son, if you feel like that's what you need right now, I'm willing to let you have that.
PETER3: Okay.
PETER1: Gimme a hug.
PETER3: Alright.
SKILLION: Sooo…
NERMUT: So—
SKILLION: Where does that leave us?
PETER3: Um, I think… you're my dad now. And you're my mom.
THERESA: Awww.
SKILLION: Ugh.
PETER3: And I guess… Peter1 is kind of my uncle now? Like—
SKILLION: Peter1, are you not going to pay me? Is… the hostage, the ransom?
PETER1: I'm not gonna pay you to take care of your own son. Why would I do that?
PLECK: That's good, that makes sense, yeah. That doesn’t—
C-53: Yeah, that doesn’t make any sense, yeah. Why would you do that?
PLECK: Yeah. That’s not—that holds up to logic.
NERMUT: Wow.
C-53: Well, Skillion, sounds like you got what you wanted.
SKILLION: No! It—no! I—I got—
PLECK: Yeah, why would you—why would you take someone's son if you didn't want to keep him?
C-53: Yeah, don’t kidnap a son if you don’t want a son.
SKILLION: No, that's not how it works!
THERESA: [pleasantly] Well, this is a big day. Let’s take a group photo. Everyone together!
SKILLION: No!
DAR: Yeahhh!
PETER1: Oh. Thank you so much.
THERESA: Drag that—that LaCraine—c’mon.
C-53: Yeah, someone’s gonna have to lift my dead frame—oh, there we go! Oh—there we go. Thank you.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
NERMUT: Oh. Alright.
THERESA: One, two, three!
THERESA/NERMUT: [enthusiastically] Skank!
EVERYONE ELSE: [less enthusiastically] Skank.
PETER3: [monotone] This is the happiest day of my life.
NERMUT: Aww.
PLECK: Peter—Peter1, are you okay with this?
PETER1: Yeah, I think this is for the best, after all. We weren't gonna get along, and… y’know, I'm just glad that he's happy. That's all I really ever wanted for him.
PLECK: Well, I have to ask, though, um… you sent Skillion the paperwork already and filled it out, so aren't you sort of honor bound to kill him?
PETER1: [deadpan] Oh, juck. You're right. Skillion, c’mere.
[Peter1 quickly stabs Skillion]
PLECK: Whoaaa!
NERMUT: What!?
SKILLION: Honestly, it's a relief.
PETER3: Dad, are you kidding me? You just killed my dad.
PETER1: I—I had to. It's part of the code.
PETER3: Aw. You're the worst.
PETER1: Okay.
PETER3: You know what, how about this: maybe, Peter1, you can marry Laura, and then, like—
PLECK: Who is Laura???
PETER3: Sorry, what's your name, mom?
THERESA: [helpfully] Theresa.
PETER3: Sorry, Theresa.
THERESA: Well, as the way that my culture goes, if my son is dead, so am I.
[Theresa makes a gurgling sound and dies]
PLECK: What!? No!
NERMUT: Oh, no, jeez, wow!
PETER3: Oh, no.
C-53: Wow. That was… brisk.
PLECK: Oh, no, that was…
NERMUT: Oh, gosh. Yeah.
PLECK: The whole ins—the whole skeleton of her just… shot out.
C-53: Shot out.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Yikes!
NERMUT: Right. And culturally, it happens six minutes after the other one dies.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: Hm.
PLECK: That’s how it works.
PETER3: Holy crap.
NERMUT: Huh.
PETER3: At the beginning of the day I had one dad who I hated.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PETER3: And then I had one kidnapper who I was a little scared of. And then he became a dad who I loved, and he married his mom for me. And then I had a mom and dad who I love.
C-53: Did he do that? Was that a thing he did?
PLECK: Yeah, I don’t think that’s how—I don’t think that’s how it worked.
PETER3: They did do a little ceremony before you guys got here.
PLECK: Really!
PETER3: Yeah.
C-53: That’s… sweet and… gross? I guess?
PLECK: I mean, okay.
PETER3: Well, Peter1, is this like, what being a bounty hunter is like?
PETER1: Yeah, son, this is what it's like every day.
PETER3: Oh. I didn't know that's what it was like. I think I actually do want to be a bounty hunter.
NERMUT: [in quiet awe] Whoaaa!
PETER1: Wait, are you serious?
PETER3: Yeah. I think I do. This was like, kinda the coolest day of my life.
PETER1: Well, come home, son. Come home. You can always come home.
PETER3: Okay. But I think technically tomorrow is mom’s day, so… can you, like, drop me off at her house?
PETER1: Yeah yeah yeah, of course, of course, of course. But I'll, like, see you next weekend?
PETER3: Cool. Yeah. Alright. See you next weekend… Dad.
PETER1: Thank you, son.
DAR: Wow.
C-53: I… think that was a big moment for them…?
PLECK: Yeah, that was a really…
NERMUT: Yeah. Wow.
C-53: Hard to… hard to tell.
NERMUT: Wait, Pleck, Pleck, are those real tears, or tears for the mission?
PLECK: Yeah, no, I—no, I—no, I—that was very touching to me.
C-53: I'm emoting, so these are fake, but.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Oh, wow. Hey, listen, Peter1, uh…
PETER1: Yeah.
PLECK: I’m really glad we were here for that. I'm glad we got to help you get your son back.
[pause]
C-53: Yeah—
PLECK: Hey—hey, Bargie—
BARGIE: Yup.
PLECK: Hey, uh, are you in the area? Could you—
BARGIE: I'm in the middle of mentoring.
C-53: Ohh, sorry.
PLECK: Oh, how's it going, by the way?
BARGIE: Little Ship?
LITTLE SHIP: [in the gruff voice of a lifelong chainsmoker] Yeah.
BARGIE: How ya feelin’?
LITTLE SHIP: Yeah, it’s me. The little ship.
NERMUT: You're—you're one?
LITTLE SHIP: Yeah, I'm one.
DAR: Did you always sound like this?
LITTLE SHIP: Not until I got mentored by Bargie. And now I’m… like Bargie.
BARGIE: He's a real one now.
PLECK: You like, shared, what, software or something?
LITTLE SHIP: Memoriesssss.
PLECK: Oh, wow…
[audience applause]
[transition music]
PLECK: Well, C-53, are you happy to be back in the cube slot?
C-53: Yeah, it was fun to walk around again, I missed walking. Dar, I'm sorry that frame got real jucked up.
DAR: Like I said, I got it used, so, um… expectations were always kind of low for this one.
PLECK: Sure. Yeah, sorry about that.
C-53: Sure. Fair enough. Maybe we could look into getting me a real C-frame sometime? I mean, I don't—
PLECK: Sure. Yeah.
C-53: I don’t wanna be pushy or anything, but it's—
PLECK: Well, up until the frame exploded, it was—your personality was pretty much steered by the restraining bolt, which—you know. No bueno on that one.
DAR/C-53: [simultaneously] No bueno?
NERMUT: No bueno?
PLECK: It’s a figure of speech.
BARGIE: What does it mean?
C-53: What does that mean?
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: I don't know.
NERMUT: Huh.
DAR: So you just said it?
C-53: So you just—
NERMUT: You don’t know?
PLECK: It's like, slang.
NERMUT: For—not—
C-53: Is it—is it slang, or is it a figure of speech?
PLECK: It's like—
C-53: They’re two different things.
NERMUT: Wait, you—you literally don't know what it means, but you found an occasion to exclaim it.
PLECK: [vaguely] What does anything mean, man?
DAR: No, tell us what it means.
NERMUT: Yeah! What does—a lot of things mean a lot of things!
PLECK: That’s true.
NERMUT: Huh. Well, I just wanna say I never thought I'd successfully be the muscle in a bounty hunt.
PLECK: Successfully is—
C-53: Yeah, are we calling that “successful?”
DAR: It was a success!
PLECK: It was a successful mission! I mean—
DAR: So I think you can write that in—which journal?
NERMUT: Uh, I’d put that in—gosh, I guess the back part of the hope journal, where you say the hope happened? I don't know, do—
C-53: You gotta start a wish fulfilled journal.
NERMUT: Okay, sure.
DAR: Very small journal…
PLECK: Yeah, I—you—I think what you're describing is a journal.
NERMUT: [sarcastically] Oh! Okay! Oh, so you know the definition of a word.
PLECK: It's just a log of things that happened, yeah.
DAR: Do you also keep a journal?
C-53: Do you journal?
PLECK: No, I never kept a journal. It's always the kind of thing where I was like—
DAR: Bargie, where is Pleck’s journal?
BARGIE: Right…
PLECK: Nooo!
BARGIE: Inside…
PLECK: No…
BARGIE: Of the refrigerator.
NERMUT: I'm gonna open it up. Wait—
PLECK: No—
NERMUT: Why does—this page says “no bueno” over and over.
PLECK: [mysteriously] All work and no bueno makes Pleck a dull boy.
BARGIE: What does that mean?
NERMUT: What does that mean!?
BARGIE: Explain it to us.
C-53: We don't know what that means!
BARGIE: Did it come in a dream? Did you see it on a planet?
PLECK: See, the thing is that—that like, on Rangus VI, we just got all kinds of words for stuff, and sometimes you—
C-53: Yeah, that's the deal with every planet.
PLECK: Yeah, exactly!
BARGIE: It’s called “language.”
PLECK: Yeah! What—so what's the problem?
C-53: The trick is, on different planets, they know what the words they use mean. You can't just say “no bueno” without knowing what it means!
PLECK: Eh, I guess you're right.
DAR: It's really no bueno.
[end credits music]
[audience applause, cheering]
[audience continues to cheer each time C-RED-IT5 lists a name]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Former Ambassador Plack Dicksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Security Officer Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship and Theresa Skank played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Former Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy and the Bartender were played by Seth Lind. Skillion Skank and Very Drunk CLINT were played by Winston Noel. Peter1 Fab the Bounty Hunter and Peter3 Fab were played by special guest Zach Cherry. You can see Zach in the television shows Crashing, Search Party, the movie Spider-Man: Homecoming, and costarring in the upcoming sitcom I Feel Bad on NBC. This episode was recorded live at Caveat in New York City! Check out all their great shows at caveat.nyc. Recording, live sound effects, and mix by Shane O'Connell! Music by Brendan Ryan. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Our website is missiontozyxx.space, where there are zero hidden links to buy dust. Thank you!
[more applause, cheering]
[end credits music fades out]
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